Am I trapped?

[troubledchef]

So let me first say that, while this will be something of a long post, I dont think I can cover everything in one post. I have been reading these posts off and on for a couple months. I am 35 and my wife is 33. We have been married for almost 9 years and together for something like 15. We have two daughters, twins aged 3. Our marriage has been on the rocks to varying degrees, and of late it may have finally hit the wall.

I guess I'll start at the beginning. I had some resservations about getting married - but what guy doesnt I guess. I never felt that head over heels feeling for her nor did we ever really connect sexually- flashes at times but i think we had different drives and desires. I felt not to get married for sexual reasons or for a lack of true "head over heels" feeling was selfish. My wife is a good person and I always felt that she would be loving and nuturing to both me and to our children when we had them. I thought the love would grow and the sex would get better. And in some respects both did. I was nervous on entering the marriage and even had a little fling with someone I worked with as well as a one night stand while I was engaged. She never found out about either. Once we got married I remained completely faithful and never cheated on her with anyone, well anyone in person, but more on that later.

So we got married and soon after moved to Boston where we knew no one and had no jobs. It was a struggle initially but we did well eventually both finding careers here. This move- the struggle and knowing no one really brought us closer together. When our careers started to take off a bit and the financial aspect got better, things were really going well. We were happy and close and had a really good marriage. We bought a home and eventually had children.

This is when things began to go awry. It should be noted that my wife suffers from an anxiety disorder. This is something that never really affected me personally. I saw shades of it here and there, but it was something that she dealt with privately for the most part and really wasnt debilitating in any way. Once our girls were born however, it became a serious issue. Anyone who has had twins or other multiples can attest what a challenge and strain it can be on any person or marriage. We had premature twins who required around the clock feedings as well as all the other care required of two infants. We had no family in town and no close friends who we could burden with such responsibilty. So we took it all on ourselves. It was areally hard first year...little to no sleep and we both worked full time jobs. I am a chef so I keep odd hours as well as long hours. This has been something of a contention with my wife always since she didnt get her friday and saturday nights with me, but it allowed me to take on a lot of responsibilities with the kids as well as see them more than many other dads. But once they were born, my wife's anxiety issues really came out. The girls became the source of her anxiety. For the first year we were basically prisoners in our home because the thought of taking them out and what might happen if they were both cryoing or whatever was too much for her. I was forced to really take the lead on all childcare issues. If the girls needed medicine I had to give it to them because she couldnt do it because they screamed or wailed etc. My daughter had reflux which made it hard for her to take a bottle. I had to feed her because my wife couldnt do it. Sometimes I wondered what would happen if I wasnt there? Who would care for these girls properly? I didnt go home to see family for fear of leaving them alone with her -not for their safety necessarily but that she would just be a basket case. Meanwhile she took regular business trips for work and all the day to day care fell on me. So this was a source of resentment for me. This was after all one reason I married her- i thought she would be a good and nurturing mmother. I NEVER expected her to do everything..I just wanted more of a partner.

Around this time we became more distant and resentful. Each tallying up who did what etc. Financial strain began to set in again. The cost of a nanny etc far exceeded what we paid in a mortgage. We eventually sold our home and rented, which was hard for both of us, but we did it for financial reasons I didnt mention this but throughout the marriage I was somewhat active online. i looked at porn of course as most guys do as well as chatted with others online had cyber sex etc. This is something that I viewed as sort of iteractive pornography. Probably not exactly the right thing to do as a married man, but also I had no intention of going beyond it. i also used to look at the Craigslist personals and even posted one or two. This was simply a voyeuristic thrill and again I had no real intention of meeting a strnger from craigslist. However she found out about it and was obviously upset. We had already been in MC and we continued to go through it. (Even now 2 years later). After this though she was not the same person. She already sensed that I viewed her as a disapointment as a mother now with the craigslist posting, a disapointment as a wife.

Things went on for almost 2 years until this past ocotober things really took a turn. (She now tells me she went throught the motions which I guess I did to as well). My online "life" continued. No more craigslist, but still chat with others online. I met a woman (not really met) and we talked at length. Of course it began as a sexual thing online but progressed to something more. We became close friends. Meanwhile my wife went on a business trip and became involved with a coworker- one who had been friends with her for years, platonic until then. Though I always knew he wanted more with her. But I always thought my wife would never stray. This is the one core belief I had about her. Her dad was involved in an affair that destroyed her family and landed her, her mom, and sister in therapy for years to come. It probably even contributed to her anxiety disorder. But regardless, she was involved with this man in Vegas on a business trip. According to her they just kissed, but I know she was in his hotel room until the next morning. This relationship continued for a few months. I knew something was up because she was distant, very cold to me, secretive etc. I finally checked her email and found several from him. each had declared their love for each other, and I believe from reading the emails they hadnt had sex yet, though they had plans to do it the very day AFTER i had discovered them. I confronted her at like 2:30 in the morning and averted it. I later discovered she had some things smuggled out of the bedroom - some sextoys etc. Hidden so she could get them on the way out and go use them with this man. I found they had called each other constantly texted went out to lunch all the time etc. I beleive they didnt have sex as in intercourse but were definately going to. A true emotional affair. All the while I have my online friend who lives in New York. Far enough away that we hadnt met, but talked every night. Had begun to text during the day etc. We have beeen talking on the phone a lot now, and I believe there are definate mutual feelings.

As this happened I had tremendous conflicting emotions...anger, betrayal, and guilt of course. I was pretty close to doing the same thing, though my escalation coincided with her EA, i am definately no angel. She continues to blame her EA on my craigslist posting and my work- she "needs a husband" (what am i?) i am resentful of her constantly nagging about my work since even on our shared days off she runs errands etc and leaves me with the kids. I think she wants me there to take care of the kids so she can get some personal time. If it wasnt the job, she would complain about something else. It is just a symbol of things for her. And she knows I have guilt about it, how I always try to compensate in other areas cause I dont have as much time at home as I'd like. We worked on this and went through a brief couple weeks where things were ok. I think we both were trying. But at a certain point I couldnt get over it. I cant have sex with her and not think of her with him She cant get over the reasons why she strayed. I feel like she isnt the woman I wanted or expected and she feels like I am never here and all I care about is my work. I think we have both checked out honestly and probably had a couple years ago. Going through the motions for the kids and for the fear of being single parents, though since we work opposite schedules and she travels, we are kind of single parent roomates in one house.

So this is the dillemma. I feel the marriage is over. Beyond saving. We dont hate each other, in fact we have love for each other as people and parents etc. We just want things the other cannot give. We have grown apart I think. She was 19 and I was 21 when we met. And for the most part we have been together since then. Obviously things are much different. For a while we grew together but now we are growing apart. i think the best thing would be to end it and start fresh with our lives. I truly believe that she thinks this too. Sh e is the one that always brings up ending the marriage in our discussions/fights. I think she just wants me to pull th trigger. But I also think we both have a real fear of what happens after. Her with her anxiety fears dealing with the children without help (though her mother is an hour away and would definately support her financially as well as other ways). My issue is more complex. I am not from here. I ahve a very large family in another city that I would love to be able to raise my children in. If we divorce, I am essentially stuck here on my own for a long time. I have no family members to help me as she does. There are of course financial concerns. Then the most important thing- my kids. they are only 3 and I wonder how this would affect them. So I feel that I am trapped in a marriage that isnt working. Some reasons are valid and some just represent my own fears. The fear of "failing" and how that would look to others...and having to explain to my kids in a few years why. So I am asking for advice, words of encouragement and of course the inevitable critiques. I have no one I can talk to about this really. Please help...

[ShatteredReality]

Ok, first off, you will hear plenty of people telling you to get your financials in order and bail. They will tell you to find a place nearby and rebuild a life. Or they'll tell you to move back home after all the legalities are settled and have the kids do visitations with one or the other parent. It's not always that easy, though, and you don't know how your wife would react to you trying to move the girls long distance from her. With her anxiety she may be ok with having them on a visitation basis - a week here or there sort of thing - but her guilt as a mother may not allow her the luxury.

 

I am an optimist, however, and I don't see this as the end all be all. You have made some serious mistakes - errors in judgement....I am sure there are stronger words others would use - and you'll hear from them too. But she's made some mistakes too, for sure. First off, your cybersex - that's a little beyond just looking at porn. She was hurt over those things for a reason - if something was lacking in the relationship sexually - was she aware of it? Often times communication is the biggest problem in this sort of thing...but none of that matters if you don't want the marriage to work. You say you've checked out...do you want to save your marriage or not? If you do it is not impossible...if you don't then you need to start making your plans now. The holding pattern in between isn't fair to your girls either.

 

Also...you cheated on her before you married her - you will really hear it from some folks on that - but not me. Instead I'll say this - you did something that typically is more difficult the first time you do it, after that it's easier to do. So even if you waited years to do it, having never confessed it to her, having kept it hidden all this time and successfully moved past it on your own, it's much easier to fall into that again. As you have done. Cybersex is a form of cheating. The CL ads...they certainly put you at risk...almost like you were just waiting to be put in that position that you couldn't back out of.

 

You went through the motions of being a husband and you are a father - notice the difference. You've always gone through the motions of being a husband, done what you felt you were supposed to do when you were supposed to - but not really being in it. You need to decide if you are capable of being a husband the way that you are a father...in this marriage. If not, she will always sense that.

 

Her EA? It's not wise to ever feel like a person couldn't cheat. Even yourself. Anybody can cheat. If you get yourself good and emotionally vulnerable and then put yourself in a bad situation the worst can always happen. Maybe you'll be strong enough to walk away...but you have to take that chance to really honestly know if you are, and so many people fail that it's not a very good idea to even put yourself there. So...you cheated...she cheated...can you rebuild from here? Do you want to? Don't take this other woman into account, please. Best option for you right now is to cut her off, at least until you make a decision one way or the other. She will cloud your judgement...her grass looks greener than the lawn you're standing in...If she's truly a friend to you she will be ok with you disappearing for awhile. Also - did your wife cut off the other guy? If not then her judgement will be clouded as well. I read somewhere that it takes two years for a relationship to level out after an affair. That doesn't even begin until the OM and OW are out of the picture...because the emotional attachment to them is very strong and will always knock you back a few steps.

 

A divorce will be very difficult on your children. So will having two parents stay together who don't love one another...so you have to pick a path and begin to go down it. You probably should ask your wife what she wants...ask her when you're not fighting if she really wants a divorce, if she wants to see what life is like apart...when she's not in the moment and angry she may feel differently.

 

Doubt I was much help here...but I hope some of it made sense!