He cant let go of my past

[KLIP]

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Hi, i'm a 23 year old girl. I lost my virginity at 19, to my then boyfriend. That relationship ended extremely bitterly a year later.

 

Now, i am in love with a 25 year old guy. He is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with.When we met, i told him immediately, that i wasnt a virgin, that i had been involved before. He said, that it was okay. He was one, except that he had been intimate to a moderate level with his past girlfriend at 19 too. but he said that it was okay, that i wasnt one. It didnt matter.

 

Since then we too have been in a physical relationship. With me not being a virgin, and him being one. Today he is extremely bitter about my past. That there was someone there before him. He is going extremely weak. He cries to think that the intimacy we share is not new to me. I dont know how to help. He loves me more than anyone has. I cant change anything. What do i do?

 

He yearns to know what it wouldve been like if it had been us together for the first time. And he asks me to describe it, just to know, did i show the same love the same way to my old boyfriend the way i show him? He says that i will never know what it feels like for a guy that the woman he loves has been with another man.

 

Through all of this, we love each other. We crave each other, and know that we will spend the rest of our lives together, even if we have to bear this sadness forever.

 

Please, i want to know. Are we alone? Is there anybody else who has gone through this? And, what do i do? I love him. He is brilliant at hiswork. But he is losing interest in it. He is breaking down. The comfort i try to give him, just doesnt help enough, and we've begun to get bitter in our words to each other. Except that at the end of it, we are so sorry about it, and run back to each other.

 

What do i do! Please help

[dyermaker]

1. Do not describe your past.

 

2. Tell him to snap the hell out of it, or he'll lose you.

 

 

Primarily, it's vital to the survival of your relationship that you DON'T facilitate his delusion that knowledge is a sedative. Don't tell him about what it felt like, don't tell him that it was great, don't tell him that it was awful. I have read threads where people ASK about the past, and the answers never satisfy them. By answering his invasive questions, you're promoting an unhealthy behavior.

 

Secondly, he needs to realize that he's NOT a victim. Tell him to snap out of it, and make it LUCID to him that HIS BEHAVIOR IS DESTROYING YOUR INTIMACY.

 

Bob, (substitute with his name)

 

When we met, I made it clear to you that I am not a virgin. I have had sex with another guy, and I have had a relationship with another guy. That is a part of my life, if I could erase it from time, I wouldn't, as it's an experience that made me in to the person I was today.

 

Now I'm at a different stage of my life. I've met a wonderful guy, Bob that's you, and I am truly in love. But your preoccupation with my past is hurting me, and it's hurting us. Do you trust me enough to let me handle my own life, and my own choices? Bob, I choose you.

 

Bob, again, I love you, but I can't be in a relationship with you if you're going to continue to obsess over my past. No more questions, no more tears, no more projecting--This behavior is ruining our relationship, and you cannot continue, you're hurting yourself, withdrawing emotionally, and severing the connection that I once enjoyed with you.

 

Take me as I am, not as I once was.

[SoleMate]

Many people go through this grief, but perhaps not many take it to the level where their life is getting ruined. He seems to be saying that the intimacy you share is "nothing new" to you, since you are not a virgin. This is a hurtful over-emphasis on the physical side of sex. Penile thrusting in the vagina is one thing; that sublime feeling of spiritual melding is another. He needs counselling to help him snap out of this obsession.

 

Unless he really wants to ruin the love of his life over this. I believe he has a high degree of control, and your job is to encourage him to exercise it.

[priscilla]

I agree, he needs professional help especially if this is affecting other aspects of his life and more importantly, you. He has some sort of fear of something that may have happened in his past. It would be good to figure this out and learn how to deal with it.

[average guy]

I agree with everyone that your bf definatly needs to see a therapist, but I'm going to be the devl's advocate here and say something you might not want to hear - he may be subconciously (sp?) trying to get out of your relationship. He may feel cheated of not having had many sexual experinces (espiallcy because you have had more [all of two!

 

Anyway, it's just a thought to keep in the back of your mind, but hopefully it's not true...

 

Best of luck for you and him

 

Cheers,

 

A.G.

[KLIP]

i have held out describing it to him for very long. I try to avoid it. I know that it will make it all the more graphic for him. But i cannot evade his questions much longer.

And you're right, the answers never satisfy him.

He feels that it is perverse of him to ask these questions. But when he is working or doing something, he gets a flash. It worsens the situation, cos he knows this guy. We are all from the same university and we were three years his junior. So he knows his face, and he can see it.

 

That guy i went out with was not so nice. There are rumours that he spread our story around. From the corner of the world i come, a physical relationship before marraige is sacrilege. Im sure it feels like hell, when you have this feeling that someone's saying "Hey, BOB's wife lost her virginity to me."

 

He hates that he has to think about these things. He knows that he must stop, just doesnt know how to control it.

 

He feels that he has missed out on something in life, and that it is going to stick like a thorn in his side forever. He has faced a lot of challenges in life. From losing his father at a very early age, to challenges in his professsional career inspite of his good work. Its very hard im sure to face failure here too. Its a challenge in his life, that he is finding himself to weak to face.

 

He is sorry that he is going back on his word that he was okay with it. He doesnt want this to come in the way of our life. He doesnt want it to come back to him 20 years later either. He loves me for what i am. The hate and the hurt isnt for me. He curses himself. He implores me, to ask him about his intimacy. But i dont, i just cant, I dont find the need to.

 

We've talked about seeing a counsellor. We might soon. Its just that this is something so private, that we want to be between just the two of us.

 

PLease guys explain to me, what it really feels like for you'll to be doing it to a woman for the first time?

 

My first time wasnt so special. And so i wonder...

[saintfrancis]

Once a long time ago, I sat and talked with a guy friend of mine, with whom I had never been intimate, about men wanting their girlfriends/wives to be virgins. This is a GUY talking, mind you, and he said "That's not someone wanting a human being. That's just someone wanting a prize."

 

I agree. Are you his human girlfriend, or are you supposed to be his trophy that he puts on the mantle? I would NEVER put up with that. But that's just my $.02.

[KLIP]

Thanks all of you'll for responses, especially dyermaker. It's extremely comforting to be able to share this with you'll.

 

I think my boyfriend and i have exhausted all explanations and all arguments to this. And we are just living with this. Cos we know we cant live without each other.

 

Saintfrancis, its not what you're saying. Not in his case.

 

Ask your friend again. That if he were a virgin holding it out for the girl he loved, but when they found each other, it turns out, that she didnt wait for him. How will he face the situation when he every time they make love, he gets that nervous feeling, that someone else has touched her, the way that he is doing now.

 

I think it is very tough.

 

Earlier i thought, that i wasnt sorry about what i had done. It was my decision and i wasnt going to give explanantions and justifications for it. But, now, when i am with the one person who knows every inch of me, there is that nagging feeling, that someone else knows it too. And that the experience hadnt been memorable for me. How different would my cynicism have been towards "the first time" had it been with my "husband" ?

[priscilla]

Don't be sorry for what you have done. Many people have multiple partners by the time they are your age. You just don't dwell upon them when your with someone new. Both of you need to let it go and move forward, quit looking at the past and look towards building your future together. Why are you guys wasting time with this? Tell him to get over it. And, this is his problem, not yours and he needs to get help.

[dyermaker]

I don't feel bad for him, he's manipulating you. You shouldn't be distraught over HIS issues.

 

He needs to knock this crap off, tell him what I told you--that should be the END of the story. If this is beyond his control, he needs counseling. If this isn't beyond his control, he needs to grow up.

 

He's had failures in his life, we all have--but if he views not taking your virginity as a failure, he's objectifying your anatomy, rather than appreciating your humanity. You DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. Read some of my other posts to people, I usually advise people to work on themselves instead of complaining about their partners, but this is a case where you've done nothing wrong except put up with his crap.

 

We've talked about seeing a counsellor. We might soon. Its just that this is something so private, that we want to be between just the two of us.

That would only work if you COULD handle it between the two of you, but he's threatening your relationship with his insecurity. He needs counseling, although my intuition tells me he could just stop, if it weren't for the attention he gets for it--but I could be way off base, in which case he needs help.