I need a womanly opinion on this:

[from ND]

Ok, heres the situation. 20 days ago, I left my girlfriend. We had been together for 9 months and lived together for 7. The night before I left her, she was over at a party. the owner of the house was a guy and he tried to fight me, she did not interveine and laughed about it. I went home to our apartment, she did not come home until 10 am, the nxt day with love bites on her neck. She said she got them from a girl. I acted on my intuition, and decided to leave the relationship, as we both had stated early in the beginning, if either of us were unfaithful it was over. So without telling her,(i told her i was going to get coffee) I hopped a train from North Dakota to Seattle. I knew leaving her without an official ending, would hurt her, and it did. Apparently the night I left, she ran into some drugs and used. because of that she violated her probation and got sent away to a mandatory rehab/correction facility. She callled our cel phone # to tell me this as I had been checking the messages, and I called her back. we talked somewhat civil, and agreed to stay in touch. Now, the day I got here I wrote her a letter stating I knew of the cheating, and that was why I left, she got the letter and had since left verbally abusive messages on the phone stating that everything was my fault, mentioning NOTHING about the infidelity. I responded by saying I forgave her and we could work through this, knowing she was getting sent awy. She responded to that with "stay out of her life, so I responded with stay out of my life. last weekend, I telephoned a mutual friend of ours back there to let her know my whereabouts and out of curiosity. Sunday night, my ex left a message saying once again to stay out of her life, and that she forgot about me, which i found odd, since SHE had been the one making all the calls, I had not called her but 1 time since i got here. so ......basically I am confused. I nedd some feedback, she is now locked up, I wrote her a letter which I think she may have received and told her, I dont care about the cheating, I dont want details and tha I pray for her along with expresing my feelings telling her I loved her. I am the one who left, I wonder what she is thinking . do you think I will hear from her.? why the total non upbringing of the cheating on her end? this woman said she loved me on a daily basis, we were together every day for the past 9 months, and though I left her, I can't believe she too is not hurting, she says she doesnt think about me anymore, ? I think about her alot, it has been hard., what do you think?

[sportsloving]

Owww You do not want my opinion. Let her go, live life, be happy. And by all means, do not contact her again~

 

Best wishes

[meanon]

I think you were right to be suspicious, maybe to leave. But you were wrong to just hop on a train, assume you knew exactly what had happened (you don't) and refuse to discuss it with her in any way. You felt strongly enough to end it without consultation and now (again in isolation) you have decided it's all OK and you want her back.

 

It sounds to me like she is very hurt, so much so that she has messed up her life because of it, but she blames you for it and so she is expressing the hurt as anger. She's also finally decided she'd be better off without you.

 

I hope you manage to work this out, after the degree of damage you've inflicted on each other the prognosis does not look good. Maybe it's time to move on. You've forgiven her, now try and make amends for what you did. Offer support but accept it's over.

[mbbbh]

You probably won't like this answer, but let her go. You both agreed it would be over if one of you cheated - she cheated. Why wouldn't she do it again? I know it hurts now, but I promise it will get better......

mbbbh

[bittersweet]

When a person uses drugs (especially when its a relapse) they love to blame their other half. You didn't make her get into the mess she ran into. You didn't make her come home with bites on her neck. Instead of her taking responsibilty for her mistakes, she's trying to throw the blame on you.

 

Don't let her put the guilt on you. Don't let her blame you for her being away. Her actions are not valid under any circumsatnces and its not fair to you if she makes it like YOU decide what she does next. What did she expect you to do- suck it all up for HER best interest?

 

See what happens. You both need to talk about the real problem... the night that started all this.

[Tony T]

Maybe she's hurting, maybe she isn't. Either way, it makes no difference. She owns her feelings and you are a free man. Move on!!!

[Arabess]

YOU didn't cause the bad situation, she caused it. As long as you remain in the equation, she will continue to think it is YOUR actions which has caused all this....rather than coming to the realization, while standing all alone, that SHE has to responsibility for her own actions. There is a price to pay when we make stupid decisions.

 

Drugs

Cheating

Jail

..........not your most sought after qualities.

 

I don't think you would be doing her any favors by not forcing her to realize she can't disregard the people in her life by doing what she wants to do and then everything goes back to normal. It's in the struggle that she will begin to realize there is more to be lost...than gained.....when all the rules are broken.

[from ND]

wow! Thanks, I appreciate all of your feedbacks....

 

sportsloving mbbbh and tony.......Yeah, Moving on looks pretty good, when I think about that night and wonder how many other things that may have happened I do not know about...TRUST is a #1 priority for me in any relationship, so looking at things on a reconciliation term, Trust has been severely broken, I feel that she should be the one appologizing, not me, she has yet to do this, so I feel as though she either, does not regret her actions, in which case I cant be with someone who has zero conscience.

 

Meanon....when I read your post, I looked at it from her angle, that helps me to look at my part in all of this and say "ok I was engaged in a relationship with a recovering addict, my actions, could have promted her to feel like resorting to drugs once again would take away her emotional pain...I see your point, however, whats done is done, I did not hold a gun to her head when she made the choice to do what she did.

 

Bittersweet and Arabess, I also agree with what you guys said too....let her hang and wait it out maybe she will realize in time, that she made a mistake and there are consequences, I feel that if I take her back at all, or so soon, let alone me being the one to initiate reconciliation, she will view it as weakness on my part and the chance for infidelity becomes possible once more since it was forgiven. I guess I am trying to separate feelings of loss and grief, of the relationship from, common sense and my self esteem, that I stuck to the agreement we made 9 months ago, saying that if I cheated on her she had full authority to terminate the relationship, now that she has, I get the blame game.

[befuddled11]

I'm not sure if this is intentional on your part, but with regards to "this situation", your previous posts have consistently left out very relevant, pertinent facts....that show people the "real picture."

 

Again, you're asking for advice but leaving out some real doozies:

 

1) this is a girl who you found out was MARRIED at the time you began seeing each other.

 

2) if that wasn't enough, her husband was in PRISON (for God knows what, you've never said, despite being asked).

 

3) she tried to keep you on several occasions, by pulling the "I think I'm pregnant" routine.

 

4) she moved in with you after a VERY short while of knowing you (while married, of course..in fact, isn't she STILL married to her prize of a husband who's in the klink?)

 

5) you found a letter (or letters) she'd written to her CONVICT HUSBAND, telling her that she thought about him every night.........of course while being in a so-called relationship with you.

 

6) she MUGGED YOU for your Tax Refund money.....by your own admittance. She stood there and pushed and shoved you, until she got your wallet.......and you came to find that she took almost all of it. You had to go snooping through her stuff to try and find your wallet (and whatever amount of money might have remained), while she was in the bathtub.

 

7) You did something so drastic and extreme as hopping a train and going across country to the West Coast.....leaving ALL of your possessions behind, because you couldn't handle being with her abuse of you, her lies, her having stole your money right from under your nose.

 

8) you admitted that she's bit you, kicked you, punched you and BEATEN you.....that she's a mean b*tch when she's drinking...and frankly, now we come to find out that she's on PROBATION (wow, what a quality woman) and was sent away to a Mandatory Rehab/Correction Facility.

 

DING DING DING. And you want this scuzzbucket back? What on earth for?

 

I said it last time and I'll say it again.....get yourself some professional help.......because no stable/balanced man would give a passing thought to a lying, abusive, manipulative, probation-breaking, MARRIED-TO-A-CONVICT loser like this.

 

Now if you're really using this place as a substitute for the professional help you need, that's your prerogative...but for goodness sake, at least give ALL of the facts so that when people give you their opinion, it's an informed one.

 

Here's one of your past posts that gives the "real scoop" on your dame:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=34885

 

Don't continue to be her CHUMP.

[sportsloving]

Dang BeFuddled11... I didn't even make the connection. He also gave someone advice on the No Contact rule while at the same time asking if "we" thought it was ok to write her letters...

 

ND. You asked advice before and we gave it to you. We were straight with you, asked why you wanted to be with someone who would rob you, abuse you, cheat on you, lie to you, and the list goes on. Apparently our answers or advice wasn't good enough to satisify (although I am betting you just didn't want to hear it at the time). So you are again trying.

 

If you decide to stay with her, that is your choice. Your life. And this lady isn't going to change... not for you and not for herself. You are allowing her to pull your strings, and you are allowing her to continue to hurt you. Time and time again she has proved that she is damaging to you.

 

It appears to me that you just want someone to validate it is ok for you to be with her. If you can handle all of the things she has done and will do again, and are willing to put yourself on the line... go right ahead. No one can stop you but yourself.

 

I can't imagine not liking yourself enough to even think that her behavior is normal or a part of love. Letting go of someone is a hard step... but you have to love yourself enough to realize that no one should go through all you have in the name of "love".

 

I just wish you luck~ I think you are really going to need it.