ConfusedGuy23 Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 Ok I'll give you the short story here. Basically 4 months ago i ended a long term relationship with my ex gf (4 and a half years). We had never broken up before that. The reason was because i was getting freaked out by the thoughts of commitment, moving in together, getting married etc. The thought of asking her to marry me did take place, but i freaked out and pulled away emotionally and basically justified it to myself the relationship wasnt working. When in actual fact, apart from my commitment fears and inability to communicate them the relationship was a loving one with no other problems. hence i hastily made the decision to break up with her. So we kept in contact for the first 2 and a half to 3 months of the breakup, i knew she had a new/rebound guy and she is still with him for all i know. After I had a massive sit down and chat (where i explained everything about the commitment etc) with her to ask for her back, she decided she needed time and space away even though she said she still loves me very much. So that brings us to now. We havent spoke or texted or anything for a month and a bit. So my question is, is no contact right thing to do from this point on? In terms of getting her back which is the end goal. I do really still love her and made a very silly mistake, i know that. Should I try and somehow test the waters and see how she is doing? is the situation different because I am the dumper? Should i be knocking the doors down and trying to win her back? On one hand no contact will obviously heal me and MAYBE make her miss me. But i know the more likely scenario is she will just move on and forget me. Thoughts on what I should be doing? I know most people on here advocate NC. But i feel like she needs to know im serious with my intentions here. Keep in mind if she wanted me back I would no doubt commit to her in the future. I would marry her tomorrow if she wanted that haha. And im not just saying that either. Thanks in advance for the advice people. Link to post Share on other sites
Anna86 Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 Hey, so do you really think you love this woman? Or is it the relationship you miss? Do you think it's because maybe she has a new man that you are becoming jealous? Think about this. If you decide with all your heart and soul then yes, you need to go for it!!! If my boyfriend broke up with me I think its up to him to try win me back. This is why I think you have to make contact with her. Maybe she is waiting for you to call the shots. I know I would be. Have you tried sending her a letter or email explaining how much you love her? I think you really need to show her how much you care about her. You hurt her a lot I would imagine so you have to get her to trust you again. Try asking her out for a coffee and explain your feelings to her. Tell her you made a stupid mistake because you were scared. Tell her you will give her time to make up her mind. If my ex wanted me back he would have to really prove how much he loves ,e and needs me before I give him a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
tommy.is.my.name Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 ^^^ I disagree with the above post. The op recognizes a mistake he made, is trying to make amends, and is willing to go out on a limb. I say he should make his intentions clear.everyone has doubts about commitment, or most people do. It's human nature. People react differently. He bailed. That sucks. Yet, it would be a disservice to love itself, if he didn't attempt to to follow his heart and reconcile their relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
poorguy Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 Disagree but she's moved on with someone else, regardless if it's just a rebound. Not right for him to just break in and say he's back. Let her heal. I agree with with the above poster 100%. You made yor desicion so for now stick with it and deal with it. I made the same descion and later regretted it and she had a new guy a few week later and they are still together and living together as far as I know. I decided to leave her be and let her live her life with him and find her own happiness. With that being said though usaually (not trying to give false hope) when they go from one relationship directlly to a new one is traditionally when you have your best shot of them wanting to come back down the road. After the newness wears off a bit they beging comparing the new guy to you and believe me nobody is perfect and he certainly isn't exempt from that. With all that though there is one thing that you must have done in order for that to possibly happen-Which is keeping your mouth shut and going away and improving you and living your life and being happy. This same thing has happened in 2 of my 3 LTR'S. So if history repeats itslef and we all know it does my in about 3 to 6 months my last one will be back around lol. Then it will be descion time lol Link to post Share on other sites
Rose T Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 After I had a massive sit down and chat (where i explained everything about the commitment etc) with her to ask for her back, she decided she needed time and space away even though she said she still loves me very much. So that brings us to now. We havent spoke or texted or anything for a month and a bit. Well, until I read this part I was all for you sitting her down and having one final chat... but it sounds like you already tried that. Honestly, I think you've done all you can for now. Anna86 also has a very good point - I have been out with commitment-shy guys in the past and I would humbly suggest that your ex looks good now because she's with someone else, so you have a "chase" on your hands again. I hope you take this comment in the spirit in which it's intended, but are you sure it's not a question of ego now that another man is in the way? If she came back and said "I'm totally yours, forever," mightn't that actually freak you out a little further down the line? Just a question and no offense intended. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGuy23 Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 Thanks for the input guys, I can see why you would raise the point of that she has a new guy so i want to 'chase' her now. But im being completely honest when i say that doesnt even factor in things at all, im not jealous at all. I have definitely thought really hard about it and I have contemplated why i want her back. Its not because im jealous, its not because im lonely ( i have been getting out and having fun with friends all the time), its not because i miss her. Its 100% because i love her, I always have, and I always will. If she said to me "im yours forever" I would be the happiest man in the world. I have grown so much through this process and I realise why i was scared of commitment. Do i tell her this? Let it slide and wait for her to become single again, if and when that is? So hard because i dont want to breach the space that she has asked for, but at the same time i want her to see that i have changed and want her and only her for the rest of my life. I know that sounds dramatic but that's how i feel. She is one of those types where she loves romance and grand gestures so much. I think she is waiting for me to do something to prove myself, im just so unsure at the moment of when i shoulod be trying to win her back. When she is OVER the pain i caused her, (but that may be too late) or now because im pretty sure she still loves me despite the heartbreak. I feel like I have to take a chance sometime soon, otherwise if i leave it for too long she will just become indifferent to me. Im thinking of writing her a letter and explaining this all. So confused still. Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 You need to be sending her flowers, chocolates, letters telling her why she's amazing and state you will commit to marriage as she is the only woman for you - do it consistently for a couple of weeks. Then you need to back off and give her space etc and let her come to you. DO NOT give her space before trying your hardest with these romantic gestures because you will just be allowing her to fall into the arms of the new guy more and more. You need to give her food for thought and serious temptation to give you another shot. Link to post Share on other sites
Faruiza Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Confused guy, I am with Depplover and I think we might be best qualified because we are girls. YES, show her you love her!!!! Definitely. She doesn't want space even if she has said so. It's the equivalent of someone going off in tears and pretending they want to be alone. A girl wants someone to go after them and show you care! Otherwise, yes, she may think you don't care and think badly of you and go off you, which you don't want. Girls know the answer on this one, trust us Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGuy23 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 Thanks for the input ladies. Hopefully you are still around and can give me advice on what im going to do. Depp the ex and i havent had any contact in 5 and a bit weeks. She did ask for space though so I have been trying to be mindful of that. So your point of NOT giving her space and trying my hardest to win her back, you think that NC period will negatively affect my situation? Ok so what Im doing is I have written a heartfelt note explaining why i backed away and had fears with commitment and that I no longer have fears of progressing the relationship. It also explains how I have been communicating this with family and friends etc., as I was a terrible communicator when we were dating. I also remind her that I do lover her, i miss her all the time. I have added a cd/slideshow with pictures from our recent 6 month euro holiday. These pics scroll through while songs that explain how i feel play over the top. An example is "lifehouse - whatever it takes". Great song. When the pictures roll through I have added little notes that either say either how crazy i am about her, how sorry I am for my mistakes, or simply commenting on the pic and reminding her of the good times. I plan to drop this over at her place sometime within the next week when i know nobody will be home. What do ya think i should do? Just leave it and say nothing, no text, no call and wait for her to contact (in this case if i heard nothing back i would text her a few days later to make sure she actually got it). Or should i let her know immediately after i dropped it off that i left something for her? Unsure on this point. So thats my thoughts on trying to get back into her life and 'win her back' so to speak. Do you think its enough? Should i do more after that? What would you think if the person that dumped you did this? keeping in mind we did not have a spiteful breakup. Thankyou for reading this and any advice given by anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Hello again. I think after you've dropped it off, then text her to say something like 'i've dropped you off a special present and look forward to hearing from you when you're ready' - that way you are reinforcing it's 'special' and not putting any pressure on her with the 'when you're ready'. The right language is key. She may text back and enquire as to what it is etc, so say something like 'it says everything I never could' and then leave it at that for her to discover herself. I definately think within the week afterwards you have to follow up with a lovely flower bouquet delivered to her work saying something like 'to a very special lady/girl/woman - thinking of you, (then your name). Then sit back and see what she does and we'll review again!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGuy23 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 Thanks depp, appreciate the advice. One worry I have is that it may come off needy and push her towards her new guy. You reckon there is a chance this may happen? I mean she started seeing im only 6 weeks or so after a 4 and a half year relationship with me and it does seem she either likes him/or is using him to get over me. But i need to do something, sitting back and waiting for her i do not think is going to work. Out of sight out of mind so to speak. I will not give up on this one, she is too special. I think i will follow your advice and drop it off and then text her something along the lines of what you said. Do you think attaching it with a letter explaining further my progress with commitment issues and how I have become a much better communicator now? I have also mentioned how these issues clouded my judgment in the break up period and led me to make a rash decision. Or should i just leave the cd/slideshow with a simple little note. Something along the lines of "i miss you, im ready when you are" Thanks for the advice it helps heaps as Im clueless when it comes to the female mind Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Hmm... I say give both of ya'll 6 months of NC to heal since it will take at least that long to decide if you love and miss HER specifically or just being in a relationship with someone. If after 6 months you are not feeling any better, have not met someone else, etc then pursue her again. She is also with someone else now. It may fizzle with him in that 6 months NC period. It doesn't seem right to pursue her with this other guy in the picture. 6 months NC and then check the waters again if you are still interested. Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Thanks depp, appreciate the advice. One worry I have is that it may come off needy and push her towards her new guy. You reckon there is a chance this may happen? I mean she started seeing im only 6 weeks or so after a 4 and a half year relationship with me and it does seem she either likes him/or is using him to get over me. But i need to do something, sitting back and waiting for her i do not think is going to work. Out of sight out of mind so to speak. I will not give up on this one, she is too special. I think i will follow your advice and drop it off and then text her something along the lines of what you said. Do you think attaching it with a letter explaining further my progress with commitment issues and how I have become a much better communicator now? I have also mentioned how these issues clouded my judgment in the break up period and led me to make a rash decision. Or should i just leave the cd/slideshow with a simple little note. Something along the lines of "i miss you, im ready when you are" Thanks for the advice it helps heaps as Im clueless when it comes to the female mind If I recall the reason you wanted to go in now was firstly you wanted to know you'd tried before going into no contact; then secondly you didn't want her falling for the other guy thinking you didn't care? The simple note is fine. Ultimately it's your call, there are pro's and con's to EVERYTHING in life and you will keep getting difference opinions. Do whatever your heart suggests, i'd take a day off the LS boards and when you wake the morning after that day off, sit on your bed and listen to your instinct. Then proceed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGuy23 Posted March 5, 2011 Author Share Posted March 5, 2011 Well i bit the bullet and dropped it off. just then. I feel quite uneasy at the moment. Its like I have put my whole heart on the line, and I'm just waiting for it to be stomped on. Not sure how to play it from here. I guess i'll just stay quiet and wait for some kind of response. I think the best thing is to expect the worst. My stomach is tied into knots now!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGuy23 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 Update: Sent a text to the ex after i dropped it off. Heard back from her and she said she was out and wouldn't be back for a few hours and she hoped it wouldn't get ruined and she wasnt sure what to say at this point. I just texted back saying 'thats ok it shouldnt get ruined and that she didnt have to say anything at the moment. Just be happy and well and get back to me when you are ready. This was 2 days ago. Haven't contacted her and vice versa. I know she probably would have watched it by now. Best option is to just be quiet and not say anything for awhile, Yes? Also its her birthday coming up in a week, too soon to wish her a happy birthday? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGuy23 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 Still nothing, guess it was not the right thing to do. I wasn't expecting her to come rushing back of course, but i did kind of expect some form of communication to let me know she got it.... Missing her a great deal. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Illiandra Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Give her some time, she prob wont respond right away. You did break up with her and you guys did have some nc for5 weeks.... she is probably thinking about alot of things. It is best to leave people alone for some time and let them think, miss you. no one says 6months of NC is the golden rule but for any real changes to occur 1- 2 months is enough space to make anyone miss someone. with or without dating other people Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGuy23 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 Thanks Illiandra, Yeah giving time is the hardest part definitely. But i had a great night tonight catching up with some old mates, so that got my mind off it for awhile. I didnt quite get the last part of what you said there. What your saying is i should lean toward giving it 6 months of no contact rather than 1-2 months? Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Sorry to hear that, man... at least you had your answer, you should take this experience as the last time you let your ex hurt you, even if she did it unconsciously maybe... People will say you shouldn't lose hope, but in my opinion you must not expect anything from her, ever and sooner than later you will find yourself free of all this pain... Link to post Share on other sites
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