Sometimes he goes Psycho!

[Diana]

Hi all.

 

I am 23 and my boyfriend is 32. There is a good side to him and a bad side. The good side is that he treats me better than anyone else ever has. I know that he has no desire to cheat on me, which is one thing that I'm glad I don't have to worry about. He also does everything for me. He pays for everything; even when I insist on paying, he doesn't want me too. He opens every door for me,( including my car door.), carries everything for me so that I don't "hurt myself", warms up my car in the winter so that I don't have to go outside in the cold, and everything else that you could think of.

 

I know that he's absolutely crazy for me and I do love him too, but there's some things that just aren't right. He has got to have the worst temper that I've ever seen. He gets jealous over stupid little things, and when we argue, I'm not allowed to hang up the phone on him, or if I'm with him, I'm not allowed to leave. If I do either of these things he goes nuts. And if I don't do these things, the argument goes on for about 3 hours. He will keep me up to 4am, or whenever, until he's convinced that everything is alright. And I have never won a fight with him....he will not stop until he's made me admit what he wants to hear...even if I don't believe what I'm admitting.

 

And if I hang up the phone on him, he'll drive to my house like a mad man, and if it comes down to it, he'll wake up the whole neighborhood until I talk to him.

 

If I'm at his place and I try to leave, he physically won't let me. He gets so angry that he throws things and punches and kicks things. He's never hit me, but he's grabbed me and pulled me away from the door when I've tried to leave.

 

He also wants to spend every spare minute of the day with me and if he's not with me he want's to know who I was with , what we did, and what we talked about. I don't see my friends anymore because he wants to see me all of the time, and if I don't, than he gets offended.

 

It seems like he's only happy when I'm not hanging out with anyone but him; then he's super nice.

 

This doesn't seem right to me at all but I feel like I'm so far into this that I don't know what's right and wrong anymore. I really need advice.

 

I'm pretty sure that his temper comes from the fact that he was beat up by his father when he was little, and he also saw his mother get beat up too. I always think about that when he's losing his temper and I feel that it's his "excuse". I need to know if I should stay in or get out. Is he crazy about me or just crazy?

[billy the kid]

Hi Diana. I can tell 2 things from your post...1)you love him.. 2) he loves you.... so with a little counseling you could have the problem beat.. just remember that it is hard to treat an old dog new tricks... then again it depends on the treats... good luck... a former dog trainer

Hi all. I am 23 and my boyfriend is 32. There is a good side to him and a bad side. The good side is that he treats me better than anyone else ever has. I know that he has no desire to cheat on me, which is one thing that I'm glad I don't have to worry about. He also does everything for me. He pays for everything; even when I insist on paying, he doesn't want me too. He opens every door for me,( including my car door.), carries everything for me so that I don't "hurt myself", warms up my car in the winter so that I don't have to go outside in the cold, and everything else that you could think of. I know that he's absolutely crazy for me and I do love him too, but there's some things that just aren't right. He has got to have the worst temper that I've ever seen. He gets jealous over stupid little things, and when we argue, I'm not allowed to hang up the phone on him, or if I'm with him, I'm not allowed to leave. If I do either of these things he goes nuts. And if I don't do these things, the argument goes on for about 3 hours. He will keep me up to 4am, or whenever, until he's convinced that everything is alright. And I have never won a fight with him....he will not stop until he's made me admit what he wants to hear...even if I don't believe what I'm admitting. And if I hang up the phone on him, he'll drive to my house like a mad man, and if it comes down to it, he'll wake up the whole neighborhood until I talk to him. If I'm at his place and I try to leave, he physically won't let me. He gets so angry that he throws things and punches and kicks things. He's never hit me, but he's grabbed me and pulled me away from the door when I've tried to leave.

 

He also wants to spend every spare minute of the day with me and if he's not with me he want's to know who I was with , what we did, and what we talked about. I don't see my friends anymore because he wants to see me all of the time, and if I don't, than he gets offended. It seems like he's only happy when I'm not hanging out with anyone but him; then he's super nice. This doesn't seem right to me at all but I feel like I'm so far into this that I don't know what's right and wrong anymore. I really need advice. I'm pretty sure that his temper comes from the fact that he was beat up by his father when he was little, and he also saw his mother get beat up too. I always think about that when he's losing his temper and I feel that it's his "excuse". I need to know if I should stay in or get out. Is he crazy about me or just crazy?

[Tony T]

Every time I tell somebody to dump their mate, I get chewed out by all kinds of people here on the forum. But you really don't even need to go anywhere with a chump with a hot temper from a highly dysfunctional family.

 

If there were insurance companies that insured relationships, not even Lloyds of London would touch this one. Don't take my word for it. Go read some books on anger management, adult children of dysfunctional families, co-dependency, etc. You get involved with this guy and you are a loser before you leave the starting gate.

 

And why should you wait around for him to go through the years of therapy he will need to deal with this? Because, first, he doesn't realize he has a problem so he probably isn't willing to begin the healing process yet. I mean it's not like we don't have control of ourselves. No matter where we came from or who beat the crap out of us and our moms when we were little, as adults we decide if we want to get pissed about things or make the best of things.

 

I hope you will take a good look at this guy and see just how much of a committment you are making if you continue your involvement with him. A if you stay around, be prepared for some pretty rocky times.

 

If he allows you, it would be nice to talk to him about getting help for his temper. In the long run, he will live longer, his blood pressure will go down, he will have more friends, his relationships will be more stable and he can use the energy he uses to get angry for more useful and creative purposes.

[Jodie]

Hi Diana - you seem really confused, and I do understand. Your man is a power freak, and has a deep need to be in control. The fact that he is nice when all is going his way, and yet a "psycho" when things don't is testament to that. You say in your post that you don't know what is right or wrong anymore, but I really think that deep down you do. This guy has you right where he wants you - under his control. By throwing tantrums at every little thing you do he scares you into submission.

 

You also ask if he is crazy about you or just crazy. He probably does love you, and yet has such issues that he either believes that his behaviour is okay, or is in complete denial. Either way, you are opening yourself up to a life full of violence. In abusive relationships, there is a distinct pattern of behaviour, and whilst at the moment he is only punching in doors, one day it will probably be you. The safer he feels with you, the more likely that will be. By tolerating his behaviour, you are effectively say that it is okay, and IT IS NOT.

 

You need to make some really serious decisions about your life. By staying with this guy you ARE inviting violence into your life.

 

Find someone who is in control of themselves, and knows that love does NOT equal fear or violence.

[Rockygirl]

Listen up diana,

 

this is NOT love!!! A man (or woman) who LOVES you does not try and dominate you, control you, scare you into submission during an argument!! That is NOT love, that is object obssession!!!!!! And, if he DOESN'T WILLINGLY, of HIS OWN ACCORD, go to counselling for ANGER management, it's only a matter of time until things get worse. Why would he change his behavior now???? He has no reason too.

 

YOu know, I've also read that people who lash out like this usually hate themself when they do it, but know how to do it differently. you must INSIST he find a therapist or something to help him thru his emotional work. This isn't just a suggestion to you, it's a commitment you need from him to make sure this relationship can continue. This type of abuse is just as deadly as physical abuse cuz it's SO easy to ignore, make excuses for, etc.

 

Please, take care of your self. Turning the other cheek, or a blind eye will not stop abuse!!!

Hi Diana. I can tell 2 things from your post...1)you love him.. 2) he loves you.... so with a little counseling you could have the problem beat.. just remember that it is hard to treat an old dog new tricks... then again it depends on the treats... good luck... a former dog trainer

[Diana]

Hi Jodie,

 

I appreciate the advice that you and the others have given me. You are right...he does have me right where he wants me. I'm starting to get freaked out! I'm taking a course at a private college and he usually comes and meets me for coffee after I get off school, and then he goes to work. Well, today I told him that I was going to stay late to catch up on some things, but it turns out that I didn't need to stay, plus I got out early, so I went out for coffee with a girlfriend. I never called him, but I didn't feel that I had to since I wasn't going to meet up with him anyway. I later dropped my friend off at work ( which is where I work also) and found out that my boyfriend had been seen driving through and checking out the parking lot to see if I was there. He had obviously checked to see if my car was in the school parking lot, and when it wasn't there, he came to see if I was at work. I know that he was checking up on me to see if I was lying or not. And when I do explain my story to him, he's going to get upset that I didn't call him when I got off early.

 

Was it rude of me not to call him? I feel like I have to explain every little thing to him and it's driving me crazy!!!

Hi Diana - you seem really confused, and I do understand. Your man is a power freak, and has a deep need to be in control. The fact that he is nice when all is going his way, and yet a "psycho" when things don't is testament to that. You say in your post that you don't know what is right or wrong anymore, but I really think that deep down you do. This guy has you right where he wants you - under his control. By throwing tantrums at every little thing you do he scares you into submission. You also ask if he is crazy about you or just crazy. He probably does love you, and yet has such issues that he either believes that his behaviour is okay, or is in complete denial. Either way, you are opening yourself up to a life full of violence. In abusive relationships, there is a distinct pattern of behaviour, and whilst at the moment he is only punching in doors, one day it will probably be you. The safer he feels with you, the more likely that will be. By tolerating his behaviour, you are effectively say that it is okay, and IT IS NOT. You need to make some really serious decisions about your life. By staying with this guy you ARE inviting violence into your life. Find someone who is in control of themselves, and knows that love does NOT equal fear or violence.

 

[billy the kid]

Well I didn't know you went through this kind of stuff on a regular basis, I thought it was a once in a while thing, that is why I said a little counseling "might" help... but from your last post I would say you need some help.. can you move back home, with a friend, anyone else... if not start looking. talk to campus security and let them know what's going on....your local police also, you don't have to press charges just inform them of your situation... sorry I was wrong before.

Hi Jodie, I appreciate the advice that you and the others have given me. You are right...he does have me right where he wants me. I'm starting to get freaked out! I'm taking a course at a private college and he usually comes and meets me for coffee after I get off school, and then he goes to work. Well, today I told him that I was going to stay late to catch up on some things, but it turns out that I didn't need to stay, plus I got out early, so I went out for coffee with a girlfriend. I never called him, but I didn't feel that I had to since I wasn't going to meet up with him anyway. I later dropped my friend off at work ( which is where I work also) and found out that my boyfriend had been seen driving through and checking out the parking lot to see if I was there. He had obviously checked to see if my car was in the school parking lot, and when it wasn't there, he came to see if I was at work. I know that he was checking up on me to see if I was lying or not. And when I do explain my story to him, he's going to get upset that I didn't call him when I got off early. Was it rude of me not to call him? I feel like I have to explain every little thing to him and it's driving me crazy!!!