overcoming an undiagnosed manic-depressive-possibly bipolar mother who is abusive

[Kate]

does anyone have experience with a mother who, from the day they were born, can never ever remember her being happy? i do. i remember this one time when i was 8 where there was a whole day she didn't complain...that is historic and i can't believe i remember that. it is sad. she raised us in a depressed, negative, unstable and insecure environment. my dad FINALLY saved his life and moved out when i was 16. i'm now 25. my dad is my only reason i am somewhat healthy and successful/driven, value myself, etc. but my relationship with my mother has caused so many problems for me. my dad always says that you can't blame anyone but yourself for your actions, but i think that is also his way of not feeling guilty for who he married. whenever i have tough times in a relationship, i think about my mother for some reason. the lack of support, lack of stability, lack of love....it hurts so much and creates these little voids. sometimes i don't know why i attempt a certain relationship. on the outside, it feels healthy and normal...but as soon as i start getting into it, i feel just the way i did when i was a child: abandoned, let down, insecure, second-best.

 

does anyone have any advice or coping skill suggestions for this? i just moved back in with my mother after school and living abroad for 7 years...because i am looking for a job and can't afford to live alone. i don't know if it is living here that is ruining my current and NEW relationship or if it is from the past...help!

[Arabess]

Maybe you should consider moving in with a friend or your Dad.

[Kate]

unfortunately all of my friends are either living too far away in terms of what is practical for me to get my job/finances together, and my Dad lives with his new wife of 5 years who I frankly don't care for. in some ways, it would be more stressful, just not in the ways i mentioned about my mom...but my main concern is not moving out, i will DEFINITELY do so within the next 2 months as i will be working, and my mom is selling the house -- so there is not even an option to stay with her. my concern is, how can i stay healthy after moving away again? even when away from her in the past during my relationships, etc., my mental health was still affected. it has actually almost helped me being here back home, because i take her as a joke now, almost a block of space that doesn't exist. now that i am not reacting to her, it is good....but the pain is still embedded in me.

[idea]

A therapist once told my husband (in regard to his Dad): Learn how NOT to be.

[Kate]

i have learned a great deal from that statement, thank you. however it's not enough and i need to keep on learning!

[Arabess]

If it's financially possible, probably seeing a therapist and getting some meds to keep you calm would be the best thing to do. Not just for NOW while you are living with her, but to face all the security issues for the chance of a healthy relationship down the road.

 

Plus, we DO pick up the habits of our mothers. I have found myself yelling at one of my children, then realizing I sound just like my Mom over something equally as stupid. I have advised my children to yell back "Grandma Alert" when I do that. HAHA!

 

The point is, this thing can haunt and screw up your whole future family life. Get some help because you owe it to yourself.

[Kate]

thanks a lot. as SOON as is possible, i know i need to talk to someone who specializes in my problem areas. when I was doing so about a year ago, just after 2 sessions i felt amazingly solid again. sadly enough, i think part of it was because the therapist was a woman and she represented a mother figure to me...but that's ok as long as i was learning. i have the ability to understand EVERYTIHNG intellectually...but just not emotionally. that's where the real work comes in. if you knew me, and also knew my past, you wouldn't believe i function as well as i do. but sometimes, as is evident here, it's not good enough. these problems ONLY come out when I get into a relationship, and that is a real problem.

[Cariel]

Been there.

 

For now, spend as little time at home as you can manage. When you have no choice but to be there and be subjected to your mother's illness and abuses, do whatever you need to do to detach yourself from it emotionally. IT'S NOT PERSONAL! She can't help it, but unless she's willing to realize she is ill and seek the professional help she needs to get well she isn't going to change. Your going along with her or attempting to "help" her in other ways is a form of enabling.

 

Get out as soon as you can. Best of luck to you.

[Kate]

yes, i think basically just LIVING with a person like that is enabling!! after almost 23 years, my younger sister, who was ALWAYS her only ally and manipulation, is finally moving out -- and for the 1st time ever is openly admitting she can't stand our mother. she sees all that she has done, including ruining our sibling relationship for a long time. i know she and i will be fine now, which is all I have EVER wanted. when my mother finally lives alone, she will really see what it feels like to be empty. all of these years we have been subjected to her "illness" and irrational state and anger and frustration toward me for no reason at all. by the way, when i was living down south just a year ago, my mother came to visit me and had a stroke while i was with her -- at 47! we are not going to be suprised if/when another one comes. that is what a wreck she is and hardly anyone who doesn't know her very well can tell. i can't wait to move out and feel like i have a life again-- personally and romantically!

[faux]

Firstly, the term "manic depressive" is no longer the proper term you want to use. "Manic depression" is, in fact, Bipolar disorder. This can be likened to how there is no longer "nymphomania", as it is now "sexual addiction." Additionally, it does not appear from your description that your mother is Bipolar, at all. It seems that she is suffering from chronic depression. If she were Bipolar she would have exhibited symptoms of Mania or Hypomania.

 

I suggest relocating to an environment where you are surrounded by people who make you feel comfortable.

 

I also noticed that you refer to your mother as being mentally ill, although you state that she is not diagnosed. I believe it is wrong to accuse others of suffering from mental illness, and actually illegal in certain circumstances under United States Law. If your mother is not diagnosed do not assume that she is "ill".

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by faux

Firstly, the term "manic depressive" is no longer the proper term you want to use. "Manic depression" is, in fact, Bipolar disorder. This can be likened to how there is no longer "nymphomania", as it is now "sexual addiction." Additionally, it does not appear from your description that your mother is Bipolar, at all. It seems that she is suffering from chronic depression. If she were Bipolar she would have exhibited symptoms of Mania or Hypomania.

 

I suggest relocating to an environment where you are surrounded by people who make you feel comfortable.

 

I also noticed that you refer to your mother as being mentally ill, although you state that she is not diagnosed. I believe it is wrong to accuse others of suffering from mental illness, and actually illegal in certain circumstances under United States Law. If your mother is not diagnosed do not assume that she is "ill".

Great post, Faux. I have had experience with Bipolar and what Faux says is correct. And if, in fact, your mother is mentally ill, is there a way that the family can get together and convince her to see a psychiatrist? You would be surprised at the good medicines out there today that can help such illnesses. Please talk to her about it.

[Kate]

thanks.