Someone I'm really into.

[Mrlonelyone]

My biggest dating problem is that I don't find many people I'm into. It's hard because it makes it just that much worse when the rare person I even give a second look isn't into me.

 

I know their are plenty of fish in the sea....but to me most of them are simply unapetizing.

 

At least as far as any long term potential is concerned I'm just not seeing it.

 

Has anyone else ever dealt with this?

[runner]

yep, i know how you feel.

 

adding to that tho, it's funny how i just don't really think about someone, someone who i've known for a few months; and then one day i interact with her, and ...holy crap she's hot.

[Movingthrough]

I understand what you are saying. I find myself not really in the mood for "BS" anymore so im very picky. A lot of people tell me you have to comprimise and my standards are too high. There is a fine line between too high and looking for what you want.

 

I think though just like anything, something will come along and it will work. We always sit here and think nothing will happen, then it does.

[Mrlonelyone]

I don't know about that.

 

I was having a chat with my cousin who's been married for 10 years. He said all kinds of stuff about their being someone for everyone. The more I look at it the more I think that's BS.

 

Some of us are just so singularly unique that no one can really relate to us on a human level. Not to the extent that is needed for an intimate relationship. There are drawbacks to being what I am and doing what I do.

 

It's no wonder that the wizards of our fairy tales always live alone. For what am I but the modern equivalent?

[westrock]

Some of us are just so singularly unique that no one can really relate to us on a human level. Not to the extent that is needed for an intimate relationship. There are drawbacks to being what I am and doing what I do.

 

You need to expand your idea of what is needed to relate to someone else for an intimate relationship.

 

Everyone is singularly unique in their own way, but no one is so unique that they can't relate to at least some other people at the level needed for a relationship.

[Mrlonelyone]

Westrock.

 

It's like my therapist told me last week after I described the way people treat me. I am a curiosity to them...not a person.

 

I am someone who works with forces unseen and powers beyond the reckoning of most. If you want atoms split, lasers built, or universal mysteries probed...i'm your man. Without exaggeration that's what I do.

 

No matter how I say it to people ... I can see their demeanor change when I do. I might as well be a priest or something.

[westrock]

You're a "curiosity to them...not a person" only because you're making it that way. There's a lot of people who would be fascinated in learning about what you do, but, if you talk about the nuances of smashing atoms and lasers all day long and can't discuss more simpler day to day topics or show interest in what others are doing, then no one will be able to relate to you and you will not be able to relate to others.

 

Everyone has it in them to talk about non-esoteric day to day stuff. Did you watch the Academy Awards? Tried out any new restaurants in town? Following what's going on in Egypt and Libya? What's happening in your local town? Any concerts coming up? Any books you're reading? What's happening with local politics in your area? My point is that there's an endless number of topics you can become interested in that others also would have an interest in discussing.

 

Sounds like you're using the uniqueness of your talents as a way of avoiding interacting with people. At the end of the day, you're just like any other guy. But, a guy who splits atoms can still have hobbies too and show interest in others. Take up golf, go to the symphony, volunteer at the food bank, join the squash team at the local gym. Those activities may sound mundane compared to smashing atoms, but that's how you relate and get others to relate to you.

[Mrlonelyone]

No I actually avoid talking about what I do all day long... at least with people who are not themselves scientist.

 

What hurts me socially is the assumption that I will talk about what I do all the time.

 

So whatever your response only proves my point. You don't know me but you assume all I ever talk about is science.

[spiderowl]

Intelligence can be isolating, but then again there are those intelligent people who seem very sociable and always seem to have friends and dates. I guess you're a physicist and there aren't many of them, small pockets here and there. I know what you mean, it is harder to find someone special if you think beyond the superficial. Showing an interest in others helps, but you need to find friends who are more on your wavelength. Maths is a universal language but so is music. I find music brings people together more and creates an understanding. If you like music, then maybe seek out musicians instead of other scientists or social groups. Musicians know about unseen things and are surprisingly subversive in their thinking.

[Mrlonelyone]

Spider thanks for the suggestions however I have tried all of that. I go out of my way to socialize with people who are not scientist.

[westrock]

No I actually avoid talking about what I do all day long... at least with people who are not themselves scientist.

 

What hurts me socially is the assumption that I will talk about what I do all the time.

 

So whatever your response only proves my point. You don't know me but you assume all I ever talk about is science.

 

 

Mrlonelyone,

 

Sorry if i sounded harsh.. that wasn't my intent.

 

What do you mean by the bolded part?

[Mrlonelyone]

@westrock.

 

Google the term "Draw a scientist test".

 

The DAST is a psychological test which has been used to examine the image of scientist in school children. Children as young as kindergarten have very particular ideas about scientist. The image they come up with is.

 

White

bearded

male

"mad"

unattractive

old

etc.

 

Other professions that have been subjected to the test don't get the same treatment.

 

People have certain ideas about scientist ingrained in their heads before they even reach highschool.

 

The same test has been administered to adults.... the results are not much better.

 

My point is that to some people if I honestly tell them what I do for a living. Even if I just say I am a scientist and leave it at that. Never saying another word. All that imagery floods in and that becomes me.

 

Finding someone who I am interested in.

Finding someone who will take me and I am and not a stereotype of a scienitst, bisexual, or African / multiracial American... and is romatically interested none the less. Is really really hard.

 

I have very few filters about who I will be interested in. I don't even care what gender they are...as long as I find them attractive physically or mentally. I am as open and outgoing as can be. Yet all I find are judgemental pricks.

[runner]

perhaps you should steer clear of the word "scientist" and instead just say, "i work at such and such doing this and that". and if they don't probe into it then change the subject.

[spiderowl]

I don't think it's easy to really find a connection with someone. If my experience is anything to go by, I can connect with others in small ways, on certain subjects, maybe sharing an interest in something, but the differences are usually too obvious for it to become more than a brief discussion socially. I think one has to wait until you find that person where there are multiple links. It's rare and takes time. Also, I find that if I talk to people, just briefly, while out socialising, then the next time I see them, they are friendly, then next time, they are warmer and things either get better or worse over a period of time. An instant connection is very rare; a bond is something that grows over time.

[Mrlonelyone]

perhaps you should steer clear of the word "scientist" and instead just say, "i work at such and such doing this and that". and if they don't probe into it then change the subject.

 

Can you suggest what I should say for "this and that"?

 

This = I apply the fundamental laws of physics.

 

That = To the big bang and formation of matter, space-time, and everything that exist.

 

 

There's really no way around it without insulting the persons intelligence.

 

@Spider

 

I have no trouble with the everyday casual interactions.... I have plenty of acquaintances... I relate well to my collegues and coworkers as such.

 

What I want is to relate to someone human to human. Someone who's not a blood relative to look at me and not see what I do..but who I am.

[NoMagicBullet]

Mrlonelyone, I relate to what you're saying, because my educational background is also in physics, although I didn't end up in research or academia. Ended up doing other lab work, and then studying more chemistry. End result is even more stuff about myself that I avoid discussing with the average person, because of the prejudices about scientists you described. I dread the question, "What do you do for a living?"

 

It also sucks because as a woman, very few men want to be with a woman that they perceive as smarter than they are. I don't consider myself smarter than the people I meet (rarely are differences in intelligence that obvious), but again, it's about how I'm perceived. I, too, can talk to a wide variety of people on many different topics, but it's like I always have to hide or downplay part of myself in social situations.

 

That's the part that kills me -- I feel like I can't really be myself, because as soon as they find out, they forget about the person they were talking to and getting to know and have decided which "box" I belong in based only on that bit of information. A scientist is not all that I am, but they stop seeing the rest of me as soon as I mention it.

 

Sometimes I think if I looked like Angelina Jolie and dressed like a hooker, my intelligence and education would be forgiven by the opposite sex -- or at least it would have gone unnoticed, since they'd be busy staring at my boobs.

[Mrlonelyone]

That's the part that kills me -- I feel like I can't really be myself, because as soon as they find out, they forget about the person they were talking to and getting to know and have decided which "box" I belong in based only on that bit of information. A scientist is not all that I am, but they stop seeing the rest of me as soon as I mention it.

 

I know that's one of the huge social downsides to being interested in science. More generally I know a number of people who were as children identified as gifted who in the name of fitting in fried their brains on drugs and ruined their lives.

 

Scientist are the wizards and witches of the modern world. We deal in forces and phenomena that to the average person are only a little less mysterious than magic.

 

Sometimes I think if I looked like Angelina Jolie and dressed like a hooker, my intelligence and education would be forgiven by the opposite sex -- or at least it would have gone unnoticed, since they'd be busy staring at my boobs.

 

I don't think it would. In fact I know it wouldn't.

 

I actually lived a part of my life as a non-op transsexual woman. I looked very good, passed in all situations for female and even did various kinds of modeling. As soon as I mentioned being educated in Physics...I became a character off the "big bang theory" show.

 

I would say I have had more averse reactions to being into science than I ever had to revealing that I was a tranny! It's just that bad.

[AirbenderAang]

More so than most, you are a unique cookie. Yet that does not mean you can't have relationships with other people.

 

It sounds like revealing your occupations is a social stumbling block. I suggest that whenever you reveal your occupation, you quickly steer the conversation past it. You can try, "Enough about me what about you?"

 

Or, yea "I got this cool job where I build lazers and stuff. Do you want to see my special lazer?" Then you mischeviously look them straight in the eye.

 

I think you get the picture. Try different approaches steering the conversation and social interaction past it.

[spiderowl]

I think you're making more of a thing of it than it is. If you see it as a big deal, then others will pick that up from you. For the most part, I find people I socialise with don't care what I do. They are more interested in chatting generally and getting on with whatever we were doing - playing and listening to music or whatever. If you see yourself as special and different, then people will pick up on that and be uneasy with you, but otherwise as long as you pitch in with the rest of them, they probably won't care.

 

So what if you deal with magical, mysterious forces? All they will care about is how decent a human being you are and whether you will have a laugh and a joke with them or listen to their troubles. I don't know what most of my social acquaintances do, apart from a very general idea. It doesn't matter. If they treat me badly or in a condescending way, that matters!

[Eeyore79]

If someone asks what I do, I generally say "science-y type stuff" and change the subject. I don't tell them exactly what I do, the title of my PhD thesis, etc. If pushed I will say I work at the university, but that's about it. Telling people what you do is never a good idea if you're significantly smarter than them; it mostly only serves to push them away.

[Mrlonelyone]

If someone asks what I do, I generally say "science-y type stuff" and change the subject. I don't tell them exactly what I do, the title of my PhD thesis, etc. If pushed I will say I work at the university, but that's about it. Telling people what you do is never a good idea if you're significantly smarter than them; it mostly only serves to push them away.

 

That's what I do too. The trouble is when my relationships get deeper than casual the same old problem comes up.

 

I am in search of someone I can really deeply connect to. While I don't harp on what I do or tell my life story at the first meeting... or the second...or the third. As we get to know each other these things come out.

 

If I know someone for six months or a year and consider them a friend we will probably talk about our lives, our jobs, etc.

[Eeyore79]

You really need to date another professional, well educated person who won't be freaked out by your intelligence. Not necessarily someone with a PhD, but maybe someone in a professional job who has at least an undergrad or maybe a masters degree. I'm good at science but I absolutely suck at anything artistic - my partner is in an artistic profession so I guess he can still feel superior to me in some ways

[Mrlonelyone]

You really need to date another professional, well educated person who won't be freaked out by your intelligence. Not necessarily someone with a PhD, but maybe someone in a professional job who has at least an undergrad or maybe a masters degree. I'm good at science but I absolutely suck at anything artistic - my partner is in an artistic profession so I guess he can still feel superior to me in some ways

 

I surely try to do that. Well let me put it this way.... when I am interested in someone...and they turn out to be a professional I a more interested.

 

Thanks for your words of advice. I guess it's just going to be a bit harder for me to find that real connection I seek.

[NoMagicBullet]

Scientist are the wizards and witches of the modern world. We deal in forces and phenomena that to the average person are only a little less mysterious than magic.

 

If only we were as popular as Harry Potter!

 

I don't think it would. In fact I know it wouldn't.

 

I actually lived a part of my life as a non-op transsexual woman. I looked very good, passed in all situations for female and even did various kinds of modeling. As soon as I mentioned being educated in Physics...I became a character off the "big bang theory" show.

 

I would say I have had more averse reactions to being into science than I ever had to revealing that I was a tranny! It's just that bad.

 

Wow! That says A LOT. Well, if I ever win the lottery, I won't start believing that plastic surgery will improve my love life. Would you say it's being a male physicist than a female physicist? I sometimes think that despite the social progress of the last century, women who don't work in typically "nurturing" fields like teaching, nursing, etc, tend to get passed by, as if they don't have those qualities that many men look for in a partner.

 

 

I think you're making more of a thing of it than it is.

 

Um, no. I really don't think so. Just from what Mrlonelyone has told us of his experiences, I think it's pretty clear that once you drop the P-bomb ("physics"), attitudes change. I could add some of my own experiences here, but I don't want to totally hijack his thread.

 

All they will care about is how decent a human being you are and whether you will have a laugh and a joke with them or listen to their troubles.

 

I wish I had some evidence that this was true for romantic relationships and not just platonic ones. Works great with friends, colleagues and acquaintances, though. My unfortunate conclusion is that it's just better to avoid any mention of work for as long as possible, but since talking about work is often a topic of small talk, it's hard to avoid.

 

I tried online dating through Science Connection several years ago and at that time, there weren't a lot of people in it and no one really close to where I lived. But Science Connection might be better now, Mrlonelyone, and you might have better results than I in finding a professional match -- or at least someone who's okay with your profession from the start.

[Mrlonelyone]

Would you say it's being a male physicist than a female physicist?

 

I guess the word you left out was "easier". I would say no. Physicist are known to eachother through our writings which are genderless dry and technical. So you don't really see a persons sex, you see their ideas which just are.

 

As for love life wise the problem is pretty much the same. Allot of men and women think that a scientist will be so into their work that they won't be a good partner. Women fear that about a science guy as much as men do about a science woman.

 

once you drop the P-bomb ("physics"), attitudes change.

 

So true because even though if I use the word "physics" and people don't know quite what it is they have a sense of what it has done. The A-bomb the H-bomb ... nuclear physics... is known to the average person.

 

The good applications of that knowledge...to medicine... physicist don't get credit for.

 

I tried online dating through Science Connection several years ago and at that time, there weren't a lot of people in it and no one really close to where I lived.

 

That's still pretty much the same.

 

I am coming to the realization that I may just have to accept and be ok with being single forever. It's not a sad thought but disapointing to think of how certain experiences of life won't happen for me, and how many wonderful things I will do and have no one to share them with.

 

Who am I kidding that thought brings tears to my eyes. I just don't have the power to change it short of totally changing who I am into someone I am not.

 

We are not the first in our profession to deal with this.

 

"If we evolved a race of Isaac Newtons, that would not be progress. For the price Newton had to pay for being a supreme intellect was that he was incapable of friendship, love, fatherhood, and many other desirable things. As a man he was a failure; as a monster he was superb."--Aldous Huxley

 

I am not lonely because I am alone. I am surrounded by millions of people not one of whom have a connection to me.