Someone I'm really into.

[NoMagicBullet]

Somehow I missed "easier" -- sorry my proofreading didn't catch it before posting. Funny, I hadn't thought of P-bomb that way, but you're right. And I'm sorry to hear that it's still the same for Science Connection.

 

I almost think that if we had a second job to talk about first, then maybe later it would be easier to say, "Oh, yeah, I do this science thing, too." But it would still be there. I wish I had some more concrete ideas or solutions, but I'm tapped out. All I do these days is try to keep Newton's skeleton in my closet and try to focus more on non-science related things that I enjoy -- and can enjoy with other people.

 

I am coming to the realization that I may just have to accept and be ok with being single forever. It's not a sad thought but disapointing to think of how certain experiences of life won't happen for me, and how many wonderful things I will do and have no one to share them with.

 

Who am I kidding that thought brings tears to my eyes. I just don't have the power to change it short of totally changing who I am into someone I am not.

 

I know it's no consolation, but I am in exactly the same place.

[spiderowl]

There will be people who have an idea what you mean when you say you are a physicist. There will be others who haven't a clue. I really don't see why being a physicist in itself would be a problem unless you make it one. Obviously, you need to find people you connect with and someone dim isn't going to fit the bill, but a bright person might find it insulting to be told that you do scientific things. In fact, I have had this experience myself when talking to a guy. I asked him what he did and he was vague about 'medical research'. I asked more and he told me - reluctantly I thought. I was interested to hear. I am not an idiot and I work with doctoral and postdoctoral scientists every day. I felt a bit insulted that he didn't want to talk about it, as if he was assuming that I was either too stupid or wouldn't be interested.

 

I do think you're making too much of the science side of it. Yes, a disparity in intelligence makes a huge difference. I completely agree with that. But you have to feel your way and see whether they are genuinely interested in knowing more or not. My ex was a mathematician and physicist. While I knew very little about physics, I was interested to learn. It didn't make either of us any less attracted to each other. Connection works on so many levels, not just intellectual. If you are not feeling the connection, then it may not just be your job but other aspects of you that are feeling alienated from the other person. It is worth trying to identify exactly where you are feeling these gaps. For example, areas in which I have felt a lack of connection with others have been: values, manners, motivation, attitudes to money, impulsivity or lack of it, inhibition or lack of it, selfishness, arrogance, atttudes to animals and cruelty, language ability, leisure pursuits, sensitivity, communication skills, ability to empathise, sexuality, open-mindedness. There are so many ways in which we can click or be incompatible.

[Mrlonelyone]

@nomagicbullet

 

I do have other interest. However in the minds of many once that pbomb has dropped it anhillates everything else about me in their minds.

 

The thing is the way it's a social negative is kinda funny.

 

@Spiderowl

 

While I understand what you are saying the truth is the vast vast majority of people won't react the way you do. Most don't work with phd scientist. Most would not understand our work....we.have tried openly sharing it all our lives. People like you are rare.

 

I don't make a big thing out of my being a scientist in real life at all. I only mention it when people ask what I do for a living. I have tried all kinds of ways to say it.

 

It's not like I say it and folks walk away in disgust.

 

They are either too impressed....want to start asking me questions. If I seem evasive while I answer it is because to give a real technical Answer I would have to teach them all the physics I know.

 

Perhaps "medical research " guy was looking for a simple way to accurately tell you what he did. Not to say your un intelligent but that the years of learning it takes to understand the answer are the difference. Do you get what I'm driving at.

[Mrlonelyone]

I have made a decision to consciously give up at least for a while on trying to form any new relationships. I have been trying for six on 8 months to get back old relationships or forge new ones. Not all romantic. I am just done.

 

Please spare me the "once you stop trying you'll find someone" spiel. Because one that never happens to me....ever... two at this point I am going to reject any one who tries to reach out.

 

I have met with too much negativity, emotional immaturity, phoniness, and double talk to think of unrelated people as anything but a source of strife. I don't need it...I don't want it...to hell with it.

 

Thankyou LS for listening to me. You all have helped in this time of my life. I do really wish I could be telling a happy story. I really do. :_|

 

Edited to add: Just after writing the above I went to another board like this ... associated with e harmony to write a similar message. I instead read someone else's story and tried to tell them not to give up. If I give up then I will be a hypocrite. It's just so hard to keep going some times.

Edited March 7, 2011 by Mrlonelyone

[NoMagicBullet]

spiderowl:

I asked him what he did and he was vague about 'medical research'. I asked more and he told me - reluctantly I thought. I was interested to hear. I am not an idiot and I work with doctoral and postdoctoral scientists every day. I felt a bit insulted that he didn't want to talk about it, as if he was assuming that I was either too stupid or wouldn't be interested.

 

Are you sure he was thinking you were too stupid or uninterested? It could be that he had negative reactions to answers about his work in the past and was simply cautious about telling you too much. (And sometimes people in any profession can go off on a tangent and tell you too much at first.) I don't know how he came across in the conversation, so if he was being condescending, then you have every reason to be offended. Otherwise it may be just him not wanting to talk about it and not about you at all.

 

Mrlonelyone:

I have made a decision to consciously give up at least for a while on trying to form any new relationships.

...

 

Please spare me the "once you stop trying you'll find someone" spiel.

...

 

Edited to add: Just after writing the above I went to another board like this ... associated with e harmony to write a similar message. I instead read someone else's story and tried to tell them not to give up. If I give up then I will be a hypocrite. It's just so hard to keep going some times.

 

Yeah, I hate the "once you stop trying you'll find someone" spiel, too, so you won't hear it from me. Somehow it's a lot easier to encourage others than encourage ourselves. Nothing wrong with not trying for a while and giving yourself a break. If you know you'd try to get to know some fabulous person if presented with a blatant opportunity to do so, then you haven't really given up, and there's no need to feel like a hypocrite. It's when you start pushing good people away that you know you have truly given up.

[Mrlonelyone]

Yeah, I hate the "once you stop trying you'll find someone" spiel, too, so you won't hear it from me. Somehow it's a lot easier to encourage others than encourage ourselves.

 

 

It always comes out of the face of some long time married person...or person in a stable relationship. It's like they forgot how patronizing people in their situation can sound at times.

[Mrlonelyone]

It has been a week since my last entry here. I have been thinking about what I should do.

 

My problem is I really don't know what to look for or where to find it. Would it be wise to restrict my romantic and social interest to a circle of other scientist? Should I try to enlarge my world to include people who aren't scientist? (other than my long time childhood friends and family of course.) If I do where will I meet these people?

 

I could take a class of some kind... but I can't think of anything I want to learn that really interest me right now.

 

I could find a meet up group... the problem with those is I really cannot see just meeting up with a bunch of random people.

 

I could try speed dating but that just seems such a shallow shallow world.

 

The worse part is I have a normal number of friends and a normal amount of social interaction for someone my age and stage in life. The problem is that unless something changes I won't meet anyone for romance.

[Macaw]

I could find a meet up group... the problem with those is I really cannot see just meeting up with a bunch of random people.

 

I could try speed dating but that just seems such a shallow shallow world.

 

I can relate to that, in a way. I too prefer to be very picky than get into a relationship where I won't feel fulfilled.

 

However, some of your arguments are just excuses. And you probably realize that too. You're probably a busy guy, and you value your time too much to waste 100 or more hours meeting people you might never have a connection with, but as you probably have already realized, there isn't a fast or reliable option to pursue at this point - you'll have to take the plunge and invest your time and patience meeting boring new people until you find "the one".

 

I used to be like that too - busy 14+ hours a day and just couldn't be bothered to spend my remaining free time with uninteresting people - the mere thought of it would kill any motivation I had to do it in the first place. But I believe that for busy people like us, a "cut to the chase" approach is the best way of meeting someone in the same walk of life as us, so the best thing right now you can do for yourself is to throw away your prejudices and give those meetups and online dating a shot. And I'm recommending online dating rather than speed dating because you can stay picky rather than go through the awkwardness of making conversation to people you know you won't relate to from the first glance you gave at them.

[Mrlonelyone]

Mccaw thanks for trying.

 

I have given online dating a shot.

 

I have take classes only to meet no one of any interest who was available.

 

I am just sick of trying. I don't want a pep talk but really thanks for trying. I just want to vent then slither back into the shadows and just get used to being emotionally lonely... having family and friends but no SO.

 

Some of us are just too far outside of our societies boxes...the accepted comfort zones...to be easily matched. I just need to get lucky and find someone by accident as I happen stance through my solitary life. Which because men are expected to be aggressive will never happen.

 

I am sick of trying and tired of searching and don't give a flying **** anymore.

 

I just wish I could go to Japan and help them with their nuclear plant. Save the day...take a lethal dose of radiation and then rest.

[missmac]

Ok, no offense - but when I first read this post I thought it was a joke - but after scrolling through all the pages and not finding any trace of "haha just kidding!" I feel bad for you.

 

From all your posts - it seems to me that you think extremely highly of yourself - and while I think confidence is good - you tend to come across more arrogant than self assured.

 

You really cant tell any of us peasant folk what you do for work - because it might be a waste of your hard earned educational designation to use big words to people you assume will have no idea what you're talking about?

 

Clearly you are what I like to call a "unicorn" someone who thinks they are too exquisite to exist. Must be tough realizing that there is no one as amazing as yourself - guess you will either have to settle for the next best thing, or clone yourself - does your lab have a department for that?

 

Good luck!

[Mrlonelyone]

@missmac

 

I don't think I am "so amazing" I think I am too strange to wierd to odd too unusual too freakish to exist. You couldn't be more wrong. I think so little of myself sometimes that I have to take zoloft just to get through.

 

You really cant tell any of us peasant folk what you do for work - because it might be a waste of your hard earned educational designation to use big words to people you assume will have no idea what you're talking about?

 

It would not take words to explain what I do it would take math. Just as an example of a paper I have to read and understand consider this.

 

http://arxiv.org/PS_cache/hep-ph/pdf/0304/0304257v1.pdf

 

Do you understand this math? Be honest.

 

That is what I do. That is a basic and introductory review of cosmic inflationary theory. That is one tiny element, of the science I know and love.

 

The course on General Relativity I took proved so difficult that of an initial 30 graduate students only four lasted to the end...all the rest dropped the course.

 

When it comes to what I do it really is that complicated.

 

I'm so sorry you take that as being arrogant. Perhaps you are the arrogant one for not realizing that what I do takes not only natural talent for math, but years and years of education. Some of it really cannot be explained to a lay person in any meaningful way. God forbid I should have some pride in the one thing in the world I am actually almost uniquely good at.

 

I'm sorry that my pride in that one thing I am good at makes so many people like you mismac so insecure. Yes I really do know that much more cosmology, mathematics, physics, and general natural philosophy than you. About most other things you may well know more than me... I never said otherwise.

Edited March 20, 2011 by Mrlonelyone

[Mrlonelyone]

Here is an interesting article that hints at the conclusion that I may have to reach. It deals with the tendency I have noticed for scientist to date mate and or marry with other scientist.

 

http://thetwobodyproblem.blogspot.com/2010/03/scientist-marry-other-scientists-as.html

 

It's not that we think other people are "peasants" or anything. Like anyone else we want to be understood by our significant others. Often and surely in my case science is a big part of who I am. So I can see why some people do just that.

[TouchedByViolet]

I'm a chemist and have noticed a certain affinity I have toward those who share my type of curiosity and perspective toward the world. I enjoy talking about space/time relationships, whether or not Schrödinger’s cat is alive, and chaos theory but I tend to reserve said conversations for the right audience.

 

Most scientists and engineers I know don't spend all day geeking out to science. Being well rounded increases relationship compatibility. My friends and I have hobbies like sports, music, and art that allow us to socialize and form connections with those not on the same career path. Still, it can be quite difficult to form a relationship.

[Mrlonelyone]

I have such hobbies too. I met one of the people I was interested in lately through such a hobby. Alas she seems to be taken.

 

I don't geek out on science all day by any means. However it is what I do for a living.

 

Nothing I do seems to work.

[Dust]

You remind me of a teenage version of myself in some ways. I used to go around acting like it was hard to be attracted to some one. Then on the rare occasion I admitted to myself I wanted a relationship I would let it devastate me if I was rejected.

 

Why not take some pressure of yourself and look for a more enjoyable mindset for what I fondly refer to as “the hunt.” Learn to enjoy your search for women and the problem is gone.

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You know best what you need to do for motivation. Get motivated.

[Mrlonelyone]

I am not a teenager I'm 30. I have also been in treatment for clinical depression and am not just "feeling sorry for myself."

 

The rest of what you wrote is just as condescending as what I am accused of being. Thanks but no thanks.

[TouchedByViolet]

Sometimes you just have to keep trying. Its ok to feel frustrate and sad at times, it is natural.

[Mrlonelyone]

That's all I want to get violet. Someone to acknowledge that I am still a human being and can have a feeling like that.

[interfuse]

My biggest dating problem is that I don't find many people I'm into. It's hard because it makes it just that much worse when the rare person I even give a second look isn't into me.

 

I know their are plenty of fish in the sea....but to me most of them are simply unapetizing.

 

At least as far as any long term potential is concerned I'm just not seeing it.

 

Has anyone else ever dealt with this?

 

I definitely know how that feels. There are just some people that you just can't click with. Also, could it be that you're expecting too much in the other person and the other person was also expecting too much from you? I ask because I'm starting to notice that that's one of the problems on why I'm having trouble getting along with potential dates.

 

Edit: I saw that you're diagnosed with depression; so am I. I have the tendency to worry and expect too much from guys which makes it hard to enjoy myself and with company. It also makes it difficult when the other person expects too much from you too. That's the reason why me and my ex didn't work out either because he expected too much from me and wanted me to change.

Edited March 29, 2011 by interfuse

[Mrlonelyone]

No I don't have that problem.

 

You see your issue is having X number of bad dates. I haven't had a official formal "date" in ages. In fact most of the sexual relationships I have had developed from friendships, or with coworkers or fellow students. We already knew and liked eachother so "dating" as such wasn't needed. Now I find myself at a phase of life where thats not as doable... it's like in the late 20's mid 30's and beyond... it's not acceptable to date a coworker or if your are still in school a student.

 

Now I am supposed to go up to total strangers who I know nothing of the character of... and want to dine with them or see a movie with them. It feels odd to me.