Me, him and the always " Her". How do I get her out of my life?

[Hope]

I moved half way across the globe 3yrs ago to be with the man I loved. I knew this would not be an easy move as it was a different culture and language I would have to adjust to. Anyway I was ready for the challenge and so I began my journey into my new life! The story is so long that I don’t know how to make it concise enough without missing out the true intensity of it, so bear with me if I seem to drift off meaninglessly. I moved over to a “ readymade life”, I had a job waiting, my new home (his apartment) for ready for me, his parents, his friends and of course “her”(10 yrs older to him, a divorcee, great tragedy in her life and with many other problems…so I would soon discover) I was not to mention any of this as not to upset her, so I was told before hand by my boyfriend. I could do that! Ironically she was the first person I met upon arrival to my new life and had I know then that she would be the root of all my problems to come, I would have ignored her and walked on by (she works at the airport & was one of his silent business partners in his then own firm) and I could not help noticing how there was not a word of welcome or heard so much about you, but only daggers being thrown at me with her eyes. Barely speaking more than a word, she kept checking me up and down (I felt quite uneasy) and escorted me towards my boyfriend and before I could even render my thanks she said a quick word to him and turned around and without even a further glance at me walked off, this of course was his “best friend “.

 

Needless to say I was very curious about her behavior but happy to see my boyfriend ignored it and happily went to my new home in this new strange land! I soon would find out that I could not “ignore” her, as she would be a constant part of our waking moments. Without exaggerating, the first call of the day (around 8am or even earlier sometimes) would be hers and last (around 10 or 11 pm) would be hers; she would literally call my boyfriend 8-10 times a day. I found that bizarre and when I would ask my boyfriend about it he would say ignore it, it was nothing she just wanted to say something, she is just a friend and I should not worry my head over it and concentrate on my job and settling down. Easier said than done. I was enjoying my work and made some good friends in my language school, however this “just a friend” and my boy friend would take me for a hell of ride the next 8 moths. My boyfriend and I really were (and still are) very much in love, however neither of us had previously ever lived with anyone, we had had relationships living independently but never living with someone. So we found there was much to adjust to and to add to this was adjusting to his best friend. On the second day of my arrival she called my boyfriend and started crying on the phone saying how she feels she will be left out now and he would not pay as much attention to her as I had moved in. That was a very open statement from a so-called best friend (are best friends supposed to be so jealous???) My boyfriend found this quite normal and I was left bemused. I spoke to her and said she should not feel that way as my boyfriend’s friends are my friends and she is always welcome in our home!!! (Wrong thing to say!!!) I tried to give her my hand of friendship but she seemed not interested, snubbed me on many occasions and was totally focused on him!

 

Soon things started to escalate, the frequent phone calls, and then emails and sms’s were beginning to get to me. She did not seem interested in seeing me or wanting a friendship but only to get the attention of my boyfriend and the fact that it would bother me what she was doing seemed not to bother her at all. I requested my boyfriend to ask her to tone it down as it "was" bothering me and making me feel uncomfortable. He said I should give her time to adjust to me (what a laugh) and that I should not be over jealous as they are just good friends and nothing more. Anyway nothing stopped and soon this started causing strain on our relationship within weeks of my moving over. In a nutshell there would be constant arguments for the next few months about her and why my boyfriend was not telling her to back off knowing it was stressing our relationship. I soon decided I had had enough and was going out of my mind trying to get it across to him, and wanted to move out He however stopped me (and thereafter on my other occasions, you can see what a sucker I am) by saying how much he loved me and wanted no one else, but he was not willing to give up this “friendship” with her as he did not see her causing any problems only I need to be less jealous. I gave him the ultimate to ask her to back off or I am out. Anyway I have to admit I knew what she was trying to do and I guess in a way I felt if I gave up on our relationship so fast it would mean a clear victory for her and I was not willing to give her that satisfaction at the time at the expense of my relationship. Anyway after a brief pause it was business as usual and I did what I thought I had to do to prove to my boyfriend that I was not jealous but that this woman had more than just a friendly feeling towards him, I did the unforgivable and started to read his private emails and sms from her to prove it. And it became very clear that this woman was not friend but much more. He would cancel plans with me to attend to her, would run around her like a lost puppy, would jump the moment she would call him for something, she really had him wrapped around her fingers and it was driving me insane!!

 

On questioning my boyfriend he kept denying there was anything more and that I should not read too much into it what she writes, she must have been stressed and he did not know why she had written those personal things to him etc (did he really think I was so stupid) and he became angry that I was reading his private emails. I asked him on one occasion frankly that had he slept with her and that if he had he should tell me it was ok. His only reply was am I mad and firm NO. I tried to make him see that she was jealous of me and somehow dependent on him and would never except our relationship but it all fell on deaf ears, I could not believe my boyfriend could be so blind. I understand they had know each other for almost 8-9 years but still you cannot be so blind to the faults of you own friends or? For months the situation continued in the background and then that day finally arrived when I discovered “ the email”.

 

My boyfriend had been away on a 5 week business trip and I having promised I would never read his private emails again, being beside myself to prove him wrong I shamelessly did and I found her email which she had sent to him two days before he was to return (she was always great with her timings), it was a horrible email attacking me and her parents and how he had not bothered to call her but surely he must have called me while he was away and he only comes to her when he needs her to assist him or his parents and how he treats her like dirt etc. etc. and then there it was in black and white…..she wrote “did I dream that you had slept with me that you are treating me this way…” etc…! I can honestly say that I was Relieved (that I was not a crazy jealous over reacting lunatic as my boyfriend had tried to make me out to be) and Sad (that he could not be truthful to me, in spite of saying how much he loved me) having come upon the truth finally. Anyway on his return I calmly gave him the email and he did not get angry that I had read it but the look on his face I will never forget, as if he had lost the biggest thing in his life!!! He looked me in the eye and frightened like a little boy asked me if I would leave him, I said NO, I knew this already but I was disappointed that neither he nor she would have the courage to come out with it. I knew how manipulative she was and being much older than him knew how to get to him in the right spots. He said that he had slept with her and that it meant nothing to him and he then moved on and continued being friends, she had lost her sister and went through a divorce and he just helped her through a tough time. He tried to justify his behavior by saying that he feared losing me and that if I had not discovered the email he would still not have told me the truth in that fear. What a waste of 8mths I thought to myself of torture and pain. We could have spared each other that if only he had been honest. I decided to forgive him provided he ended this with her and made it clear to her how he felt nothing for her and she should therefore move on with her life.

 

However after the letter had been discovered we met for dinner with a mutual friend and she was present, she obviously was beside herself and while we waited for this friend to come down she made a public display in the hotel lobby attacking me and after exchanging a few heated words, I gave her a piece of my mind and she stormed off crying!! I suggested thereafter that we can all meet together and talk it out and my boyfriend do what was right. End it with her. Needless to say she was not interested and she backed off, sent him and me an email saying how my boyfriend should not call her or email her or contact her etc. We did not hear from her for the next 2 yrs even though I had hoped that would be the end of it, I had a slight fear that since my boyfriend did not get to say he wants this thing to stop and she did that, there were chances she might pop up one day and how would my boyfriend react then! My boyfriend had actually spoken to her once on the death of his mom to just inform her, she was not invited to the funeral of course, as I would not have it. The whole 8-month situation of course left a lot of bad taste and bitterness between my boyfriend and me. Whenever we would have a fight about something, inevitably her name would come up, he I guess blamed me for losing his friendship with her and I blamed him for not standing up for me. Still we moved on together.

 

Last week that fear of mine came true, she had called our home but not left a message. My boyfriend ran in to her at the airport (very timely again) and asked her about it and she said that she had recently attended a seminar on human psychology and realized the mistake she made and wanted to apologize to me and maybe we can all meet up for dinner. My boyfriend suggested she not speak to me and he will and then we will revert back to her. I told him no can do. After a week of that meeting I get an email now from her a long one where she bears her soul to me. Saying how she had attended this seminar and needs to get rid of things that are burdening her and she would like to apologize to me. She was in love with my boyfriend and felt rejected that he had chosen me over her and was jealous of my looks and how she admires me the way I came over here and built a life with him and loved his parents etc etc, she knows she rejected my hand of friendship as she saw me as an enemy and she fees ashamed of her behavior etc and she feels sad that her behavior stopped us from being in contact, therefore she would like to apologize and invite me and my boyfriend out for dinner and blah, blah blah.

 

I have been in a bit of fix since receiving this, I showed the letter to my boyfriend and he was quite taken back with it and realized how much he had misjudged her and that he never once believed that she could have been in love with him since they never spoke of love and it was just a brief affair and he thought both put it aside and moved on as friends. Now the thing is that I would like to “let sleeping dogs lie” as I do not think there is any chance of us all being friends, I am willing to forgiver her but I cannot forget, so I will be that generous. However my boyfriend still sees things differently, he says well she is over him now and there is no harm in us all meeting for a beer. I said I am willing to do that provided he now finally puts a stop to it and tells her that it is too late to start something as a threesome and that we should all move on with our lives having forgiven each other. He says he is willing to say that except the no ever meeting part and he wants to leave it open, he does not want to close that door on her, as she was a good friend once!

 

Am I the only once missing the point here, how can he even contemplate to continue anything with her, he says if he sees her behaving the way she did before (calls, emails etc) he will put a stop to it immediately!!!! What do I do, we are again arguing about her, he says he loves me above everything else but I should except that he does not want to bang the door on her face, he will keep minimum contact and I should show some tolerance to it .He says it is not an important matter for him but obviously important enough not to end it completely?? I am so confused, should I just pack up and move out or should I let it start with minimum contact and see how it goes…I am so lost I do not know what to do anymore. He says I should trust him and see how things go with her, I feel that would be such a big mistake as I do not think her feeling for him have changed but she has just found a new way of getting to him!

[optional control]

To get straight to the point, I think that you need a break from the situation. Let him get his emotions in order and you should go away for a little while. He may realize at that point that this "pseudo" friendship that he thinks he has with this chic is not worth losing you over. Maybe that would be the best for both. And, if he and she become closer as friends while you are away, you know to never return to him. Never let anyone treat you as second, as hard as it is, being blinded by love as we all are. Remember that your emotional needs are just as important as his...and you should not always be the one compromising yours to fulfill his.

[meagara]

I agree with you, and feel that if your boyfriend really respects you he will understand. He slept with this women when you where with him, and honestly he should understand your situation. I told my boyfriend if I ever found out he spoke to the woman who almost ruined our relationship ( I know it is just as much his fault as hers) I would leave him and not look back. You need to think where you stand in this relationship, and do you have enough self-respect, I don`t see it as someone winning; if you left him. There is loss for everyone. This is only my suggestion, and probably not the best, but I feel you should think about your own self-respect and I don't think he respects you enough to not care about how you feel about this situation.

[Hope]

Thanks for your advice and I know you are right, that is how I feel inside too, that he just does not respect me enough to put an end to something he claims in not important to him, but is tearing us apart, when will he ever then !

 

Thank you meagara and optional control for your insight, appreciate it !!!

[optional control]

Hey...anytime. I hope everything works out for you! Much luck!!!!!

[Arabess]

I would give him a ultimatum.....SHE or ME.....not BOTH!

 

The worst than will happen is that he will pick her. If he does, you have your answer. It would be better to know NOW than for this thing to go on and on and drive you nuts.

 

If she makes you uncomfortable and you don't like her, you have a right to say you don't want her hanging around. She IS NOT a male buddy....she is a woman after your man. It's HIS responsibility to you to curb the relationship/friendship or whatever it is with her.

 

If he refuses...then why stick around???

 

Sometimes, it's better to have a painful end than a pain with no end.

 

Men are such AssClowns sometimes!!!!

[HiDDeN PiGLeT]

i so totally understand where you're coming from b/c i'm sort of in the same situation. invovling his "best friend" female of course. she keeps running to him for everything. the slut cheated on her b/f with the guy that slapped her around and then she wants to talk to and meet up with my b/f when i'm not around so he can comfort her and tell her what to do. i told him that i would break whatever she touches him with, fingers, hand, arm. whatever, but i'm not going to take this bullshyt anymore. you shouldnt either. honestly, i dont think people like that change. you have EVERY RIGHT to YOUR FEELINGS. dont forget that.

[Hope]

Originally posted by Arabess

I would give him a ultimatum.....SHE or ME.....not BOTH!

 

 

Already done that to which he says there is no choice as he is with me and that's where he wants to be. Ha,ha

 

 

Sometimes, it's better to have a painful end than a pain with no end.

 

 

That's a very thought provoking line...the more I repeat it to myself the more it I kind of feel better about what I might need to do. Thanks a mill

[Hope]

Originally posted by HiDDeN PiGLeT

honestly, i dont think people like that change. you have EVERY RIGHT to YOUR FEELINGS. dont forget that.

 

You are right on that account and NO, I won't forget that, thanks.

 

Appreciate all your advice !!!

[Cariel]

I have been through this as well and dealt with it for about a year until the blasted woman started sending ME emails about being good to him and etc. She was at that point still calling him 2 or 3 times a day and emailing him continously. He couldn't admit that her feelings for him were more than friendship, and since she's a "wounded soul" he felt he had to help her (I swear, the man walks around with a neon sign on his head that says, "sucker"). She was pretty well determined to sink into the deepest pit she could find and take him along for the ride. After he had actually FLOWN TO ANOTHER STATE to "rescue" her from her then-current abusive relationship, I'd had it.

 

I told him it was time to choose...me or her...and as he protested I blocked his number on my cell and home phones and blocked his email as well. I instructed the receptionist at work not to put his calls through (I could tell if he was calling my direct line from the caller ID). I cried for two weeks and then got on with life.

 

A couple of weeks later I received the most vitriolic email I have ever seen from the "best friend" (via my private email, which she must have somehow snuck off his PC), ranting hysterically and accusing me of using some kind of "witchcraft" to turn him against her. I blocked her emails, patted myself on the back for having an unlisted number, and went out to dinner with some friends.

 

Two days later, a mutual friend called and asked if I would meet him for coffee at a local place, telling me that after only a few days without me he had begun to question the best friend's motives and had shortly thereafter decided to end the relationship. (He had been begging her to call since I walked out on him and she had refused until that point.) We did meet for coffee and began rebuilding, as I felt he was sincere. He was.

 

I'm the first to say that he might well have chosen to continue his "friendship" rather than to end it and set things right between us. Had that been the case, I'm sure I would still be missing him to this day but at least - having done what I had to do - I could still hold my head high instead of feeling I'd been played for the fool. Last we heard, she was driving a very nice fellow we both know to the point of homicide or suicide (take your pick, depending on the day).

 

You must do what you feel is right for you, but my gut tells me it's time for you to show your bf his walking papers and prepare to live without him if he won't give up his friend.

 

All luck to you.

[Hope]

I thought I just update you all on my situation.

 

I have done as most of you have also advised given my boyfriend " that ultimatum" to make up his mind, as I will and do not want to have her in my life - period. We need to end this story once and for all. He has made that choice and "agrees we should let the past be and move on not keeping any contact with her". I replied to her email this Sunday (mutually, I showed it to my boyfriend) forgiving her for her mistakes and stating clearly to her that neither my boyfriend nor I want to start any friendship with her again and we would like to keep it as it has been for the past 2 yrs, "no contact " and hope she can accept that and move on with her life.So lets see if she gets the message finally, since it has his stamp of approval on it (so to speak), I am hoping and expecting no reply from her !!!! Keep my fingers crossed !

 

Thank you everyone for your supportive and helpful insight to my situation. I really needed it and hence appreciate it a lot.