Ex Boyfriend...am I jealous? Or just want to help?

[wishfullthinker]

My ex boyfriend and I have been broken up for 4 months. I am planning on moving back to his state and hopfully reconsile. However, in the midst of his anger...as I did the break up. He has met someone. I know he doesn't really involve his feelings becuz she is a stripper and her name says it all...think about the Disney movie w/ Thumper...yes, it starts with a B and ends with an I. They meet at 3 am to do thier "thing"...I nkow he is upset, depressed and just needs someone there becuz he is lonely...and becuz he has told me. This girl has a boyfriend in jail and a small child. I don't know if I'm jealous....or just concerned he is destroying himself. I know he needs his space, and we are thinking about moving intogether as roommates. I dont know if that is such a great idea, but I love him and his children and he is going through a tuff financial part in his life. I want to help him. We still talk on a daily basis. He mentions he could be still in love, but at the same time he is numb all over. He is a hurt guy as his wife left him two years ago, then we started dating and moved in immediately. I left becuz I was unhappy and he was unhappy. I just want to help him. I'm taking on his stress and its overcoming. He has turned to drugs. As much as I love him, I want to help him, he has so much to offer someone its sickening. He just can't find it. I know the answer to my entire question is let him do his thing. I just can't sit back and watch him hurt himself. Finding these woman who he treats as sex objects.

 

What do I do?

[bittersweet]

First of all, let me say, you will NOT be able to help him if he's struggling with an addiction. Also, the last person he should be hanging around with is a stripper because its very easy for him to get caught up in drugs in places like that. I'm not assuming anything or stereotyping; I personally have a few friends who dance and I hear all kinds of stories.

 

I was with my b/f 6 years and he is a recovering addict. I found out 3 weeks ago that he was cheating on me with a stripper for 3 months. He says b/c he has more to offer a girl like her even though he had no feelings for her. He says it made him feel more comfortable with the issues in his life instead of dealing with them around me who pushes him to be confident.

 

We're trying to work out things- he says its over with her but of course I went through his stuff (all the sudden he lets me). I found poems this girl wrote about using drugs and wanting to die- basically things he needs to stay away from. I was worried he may have used with her but he says he hasn't.

 

My point is- you need to ask him what he wants and you have to understand that if he's using, there is very little you can do. I stayed with my b/f the entire time he used (never touched the s*** myself) and it was the roughest ride you could ever imagine. I was completely co-dependant of him and I realize that now. By sticking around and thinking you can help, you'll only continue to support a nasty habit.

 

I'm sure he has no interest in this other girl- It sounds like he's just going through a really tough time and making a lot of bad decisions along the way. Make him aware of that and tell him you are there if he is willing to change. Otherwise, if he wants to live in the fast lane, you won't stick around to watch him destroy his life and character.

[wishfullthinker2004]

I know, me being there for him...I don't know...I still love him, and we are TRYING to see what can become of us. I just can't sit back and watch him destroy himself, however, he needs to learn on his own that he can be a happy man.

 

I plan on moving back to his state. I try every day to write him "self help" emails and talk to him the way a friends should. He said last night, he is still in his "F*** Everything" mode and will be. He is upset w/ all these "greedy F******, present company excluded" meaning me. I was there for him when he was this way before, and he got out of the rut. I just know he can do it again.

[wishfullthinker2004]

I have told him I'm there for him. And he greatly appreciates it. He always says, thank you and I love that you are my friend, I'm sorry I cannot offer youmore right now. What he needs is a friends who will not back down and keep helping him through the tough times. I bet I'm being stupid, but...I will be constantly thinking about him...my friends think I'm crazy for movign back to his state and beign there...BUT I LOVE the that state..."the sunshine state" and just becuz of him, doesn't mean I can't move to where ever I want...right? My family is also concerned. I'm so confused. I don't have the expectations that we may get back together when I'm there. At least I will be closer and I love his 2 boys more than anything. I want to be ther for them as well.

[mommy78]

Let me first ask you, what were you both unhappy about. Normally when couples are in an unhappy relationship, then break up , then want to be together "again", the past is still within the relationship. Especially if its right away. If the two you want to get back together, my advice is to let go of the past and start fresh. But honestly, its seriously hard to let go of the past. I dont know exactly what the problem was between the two of you but to want to get back with someone who has been a stripper and turned his problems over to drugs is pretty risky. Especially choosing to live with someone who takes drugs.

 

He needs to seek help and counseling before getting together. I highly advise you to think twice before getting into a situation like this. It may get messy. My aunt has a husband as a drug user and it got so bad that she had to "sneak" out to leave him. She was stuck in this "problem" for several years. I'm sure this guy has a good heart but to turn his problems to drugs is a serious issue.

 

I dont think you are being jealous at all, you seem very concerned. But just remember, you have your own life to tend to, not just his. Please dont revolve your life around him. Dont take his problems into your hands. He is a grown man that can get counseling.

[bittersweet]

When you move back home and start to be in his life more, you have to be very careful of being sucked into his "f*** everything" state of mind. You can't help him the way you wish you could. Please trust me on that. I went through a extremely difficult time when my b/f was using and I was trying to help. I became his "mother". He had nothing and I provided him with everything. It made me feel very special and needed but the truth is- I was making things much worse.

 

How serious is his situation? What is he using and how long?

The best way you can help him is to provide him with resources like clinics and meeting lists. You cannot become just a crutch because he will drain the life out of you. I was very lucky to see the guy I was with recover and it has been 2 years since he got clean. It wasn't easy and it has to be something he wants.

 

What does he tell you about what he's feeling?

[wishfullthinker2004]

He hasn't been using long, and its not everyday...maybe three weekends in a row, then skips one, and then another weekend. I'm just concerned, becuz now he has gotten himself all caught up in this stripper who doesn't even like him, he tells her that, I have to be careful around you, I may fall for you and you may hurt me. She then gets off the phone and needs to take a shower. She has a boyfriend in jail whom she admits to him she still loves and a small child. he jumped from his marriage to me, to her...he destroys himself. She was a rebound. He admits he wants to be loved and to love. He is grasping at anyone. I hurt him, how do I make him see that I was clouded with my own negativity? We weren't happy becuz we were both depressed. I was coming off of Paxil..and he was just stressed out with everything. I nkow there is nothing I can do, but pray and hope he finds the strength to make it. I send him everyday a page from Iyanla Vanzant...'Until Today'....she has everything from day to day...Everyday I write the email in the subject line.."March 30" or whatever day it is, and then the email is what she wants you to keep in mind for that day. Its kinda strange, cuz the past few days have been right on the nose for him and I. Fate? I dont know.

[Guest]

I don't want to bring you down but it may be that this affair is more serious than you think it is. Strippers do have relationships - they fall in love and people fall in love with them. I have a ex who fell in love with a stripper in NY and has been with her for years now. Sure, it's brought him problems but mostly to do with people's perceptions of the relationship, not with her.

 

She has a colourful past, sure, but they're committed to each other. Being with her has brought him into contact with drugs but he's an adult and what can you say? If you've any kind of insecurities about your own body or any kind of feelings for your ex, knowing they're with someone who's paid for being sexy can be really painful. It''s screwed up our friendship, to be honest. My best advice is to withdraw from the situation if you can. And if you're still in love with him - don't room with him. It'll mke you both very miserable.