flume Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Here is a brief of what happened. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=265508 A brief history: 1. Cheated on the ex with another. 2. ex never came to know about it and left me for totally different reasons. 3. Now I am in a relationship with whom I cheated. 4. Even she never came to know I was double timing on her. 5. Now I miss my ex crazy, confessed this to the present girl (with whom I cheated on her) Not the cheating part but the having feelings for someone else part. She is still ready to work on the relationship. But I am dying inside missing my ex. She has moved on and is in another relationship but I am going crazy for her. I am not able to eat sleep and facing a lot of flak at work. The guilt combined with the longing has made me go crazy. I am smoking a lot and strangely whenever I call my ex pleading her to come back and after she refuses I have a strange habit. I just throw up. I don't know what to do and I need help. Link to post Share on other sites
Rose T Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Hi flume. I know I saw your story in another thread and suggested you posted here, but perhaps you could explain how your relationship with your ex broke up (who dumped who) and what were the reasons she eventually distanced herself from you? Link to post Share on other sites
Cee Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Having read your last thread and seeing that you are begging your first girlfriend to come back, I think you cheated as a pre-emptive strike to bail out of your relationship. You might have seen the first break up coming and were afraid to be alone so you hooked up with the other woman. A lot of people jump from relationship to relationship and never have insight as to why they are unhappy. Since you can't get your first girlfriend back, you are forced to face your feelings and grow. And your second girlfriend wants you around despite the fact that you love someone else. She is either in deep denial or you were too casual when you told her you weren't over your ex. I think you are at a cross roads. You are at a place where you can go through your pain and grow as a person. If you sit in the pain, you can experience the true cycle of love and loss. Then you can get maturity and wisdom, which will help you in your future relationships. You will likely need help from your support network. Break ups are painful. Or you can refuse to deal with the pain and bury your feelings with alcohol, drugs, other women, workaholism, etc. If you do that you will teach yourself to run from your feelings and you will never be able to properly love again and end up with a huge problem on your hands. I think you are doing perfectly fine. You won't die from break up loss even though you wish you would. Hang in there. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and things will eventually get better. As for your second girlfriend, the one you don't love and cannot love because it's too soon... I have no advice to give except this thing is doomed and you know it and deep in her denying and clinging heart, she knows it too. Link to post Share on other sites
PowerOfOne Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 You cheated on her. She deserves better then that. Especially since you have kept it from her all this time. Sorry to be harsh flume but I can't stand a cheater. Notch this one up to a lesson in how to be a better person and be that better person for the next girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flume Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 Due to work we got posted in differnt cities.. With the distance things started falling apart..I got into depression (completely different reasons, not important) and over there my present girlfriend (Let me call her V) helped me out.. I started to like her and things started blossoming.. During breaks I used to take once in 3 months I used to go back home where my ex (Calling her G) used to be there.. We tried to work things but slowly we began drifting, over time I developed a soft corner for V.. Past June me and G formally broke up.. I changed my job things started to improve in my life and that's when the insolent f*ck in me woke up.. In all my selfishness the girl who pulled me out of the 2 toughest years of my life I wanna leave her (who is even ready to let me take a break) and go to G who ripped my heart out when she said she moved on,, P.S.: I am suffering enough so anyone who thinks how low I can get listen to this: --> For some strange reason I throw up after almost every meal. --> I am now the lowest performers at work (I was never the best but at least I was average Joe a while ago) --> I can't sleep properly and when I sleep I sleep for 10 hrs at least --> From 1 cigarette I am now a pack a day --> Haven't gone gymming for past 2 weeks.. and so much more So in short I am going crazy.. I am sorry for what I did but now I need help Do u thnk I shud tell V abt d 2 timing?? Link to post Share on other sites
PowerOfOne Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 I don't doubt you're doing it tough buddy. But first and foremost you have at accept what has happened. Forgive and make a promise to yourself that you will never do it again. Focus on that. If you think that you can appease your guilt by letting her know what happened then I say go for it. I'm sure that's an AA step somewhere. That might be exactly what you need to do to let go of the past and focus on what you have with V. First and foremost you have to identify what these feelings actually are. Is it guilt? Is it that you think a future with G would have been better for you then V and you're having a hard time letting that go? There are innumerable number of feelings that you could have right now but you won't know how to tackle them until you identify what they are. Be honest with yourself. I know that will be hard, you're going to have to accept some truths about yourself that people generally avoid doing. This V chick sounds like she's very patient and understanding. I wouldn't throw that away if i was you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flume Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 Shall I confess to either of them.. Knowing about G I can't predict her reaction in all honesty but shall I confess to V (She would be heart broken).. The thing is with G I had my first real relationship.. The bigger problem matters of the heart you don't know what happens next.. Any solution to throwing up thing.. It is really bugging me.. It feels like Macbeth when Lady Macbeth keeps on washing her hands.. I think I keep on throwing up to get rid of the guilt.. What should be my nest step: G has moved on but I love her (She is already in a relationship) I have asked V for a break and she wants to think about it I still love G P.S. Does anyone think I am going crazy or is this normal? Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Flume, in my opinion - no one is going to want you until you free yourself from all ties and find yourself. It will not be until you can be happy with yourself/by yourself - that you will find appreciation for, and attraction from others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flume Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 Should I confess to V or not? At the risk of crushing her permanently Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 You're not going crazy, you're just eaten up with guilt and grief. Grief ate me up when my ex left (together nearly 20 years) and for 6 or 7 months I felt I was going insane, I didn't know how to handle the constant horrible emotions. I talked to my friends as much as possible and saw a r/ship counsellor which helped. I came though it intact (mostly ). I'm much stronger than I was and am also with someone else now after thinking I'd never love again. Please don't beg to your ex, it does no good, she will have less respect for you. Hang in there, things will become clearer in time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flume Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 Please don't beg to your ex, it does no good, she will have less respect for you. Hang in there, things will become clearer in time. So do you I got no feelings for the ex and its just guilt? Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Can you see your doctor about the throwing up? I have stress related stomach problems and take daily tablets from the doctor for it, they're anti-emetics and help your gut work more efficiently (Domperidone/Motillium). Or you could try relaxing before eating, either deep breathing or yoga Just eat small amounts. Shall I confess to either of them.. Knowing about G I can't predict her reaction in all honesty but shall I confess to V (She would be heart broken).. The thing is with G I had my first real relationship.. The bigger problem matters of the heart you don't know what happens next.. Any solution to throwing up thing.. It is really bugging me.. It feels like Macbeth when Lady Macbeth keeps on washing her hands.. I think I keep on throwing up to get rid of the guilt.. What should be my nest step: G has moved on but I love her (She is already in a relationship) I have asked V for a break and she wants to think about it I still love G P.S. Does anyone think I am going crazy or is this normal? Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 No, it sounds like you have feelings for G still, why did she leave you? Don't stay with V just cos she helped you through a difficult 2 years, if that's what you're doing, or out of fear of being alone, my ex said I saved his life, he was badly depressed for a long time and I helped him through it, but he didn't owe me anything, I chose to be there for him. But pleading with an ex to take you back blows your pride and respect out the window, it's unlikely to work. So do you I got no feelings for the ex and its just guilt? Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 I see no reason to tell your ex, in general honesty is good and for the best, but she is an ex who has moved on and is not part of your life now, what would be the point in telling her now, why do you want to tell her? Sometimes it is kinder to leave people in ignorant bliss about the past if the truth will only harm/hurt and do no good. If you were still with her I would say tell her though as she'd have the right to know what her partner has been up to, and to choose whether to stay with you, but you're not her partner anymore, so leave her in peace. Just make sure you become a better person for knowing the damage cheating can do and learn from it, you clearly regret it, so just be sure to learn from your mistakes You sound like a good hearted person who bitterly regrets doing wrong. Only stay with G if you are in love with her, but it sounds like you're not if you have feelings for your ex, don't be with her for any other reason as that is patronising to her, it's not good for either of you. Well done for confessing to her. Can you see a future with her? I know you miss your ex as she was your first I think, you said you miss the magic, but other r/ships can be magical too, I thought I'd be with no-one special again when my ex left, but I am. Should I confess to V or not? At the risk of crushing her permanently Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 I see no reason to tell your ex, in general honesty is good and for the best, but she is an ex who has moved on and is not part of your life now, what would be the point in telling her now, why do you want to tell her? Sometimes it is kinder to leave people in ignorant bliss about the past if the truth will only harm/hurt and do no good. If you were still with her I would say tell her though as she'd have the right to know what her partner has been up to, and to choose whether to stay with you, but you're not her partner anymore, so leave her in peace. Just make sure you become a better person for knowing the damage cheating can do and learn from it, you clearly regret it, so just be sure to learn from your mistakes You sound like a good hearted person who bitterly regrets doing wrong. Only stay with V if you are in love with her, but it sounds like you're not if you have feelings for your ex, don't be with her for any other reason as that is patronising to her, it's not good for either of you. Well done for confessing to her. Can you see a future with her? I know you miss your ex as she was your first I think, you said you miss the magic, but other r/ships can be magical too, I thought I'd be with no-one special again when my ex left, but I am. End note; I'm confused, I thought you'd confessed to V (your current gf), you said you had in your other thread, but not confessed to your G (your ex)? Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 I meant only stay with *V* if you're in love with her, stupid thing wouldn't let me edit it Link to post Share on other sites
Author flume Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 dats rite wat i said dere, I had confessed about having feelings for someone else, but not 2 timing. I confessed about 2 timing just a while back had to do it on call, she is on an official business-leisure trip. I should not have confessed like this on call but I could muster only this much courage. I couldn't have faced her saying all that in person so i when she said work is over I did it. Her reaction: I need time to react to this, so I will have to talk to you later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flume Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 dats rite wat i said dere, I had confessed about having feelings for someone else, but not 2 timing. I confessed about 2 timing just a while back had to do it on call, she is on an official business-leisure trip. I should not have confessed like this on call but I could muster only this much courage. I couldn't have faced her saying all that in person so i when she said work is over I did it. Her reaction: I need time to react to this, so I will have to talk to you later. I don't know why people say confessing is therapeutic. I don't feel even the slightest difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flume Posted February 26, 2011 Author Share Posted February 26, 2011 any advice anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author flume Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 seems like there are bigger problems in the world dese days.. Can I get some advice??? I would really appreciate Link to post Share on other sites
Shatter3d Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Ok my opinion...break up with V immediately, no breaks, just break up. You cannot be with someone if you love someone else. It's not fair on her if you love another. Set her free. Now about G... Well if she is with someone else, just let her be for now and let that relationship (whatever that may be) take its natural course. I know this is harsh, but you need to be on your OWN for a while.. Yes, that means you will be lonely, sad, depressed etc etc but you need to do this for yourself. If your relationship with G was REAL love, then perhaps in the future this may be, but accept the reality it is for now, and that is... G is with someone else, you do not love V, and YOU need to be on your own for a good while. The rest will fall into place, hope this helps.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flume Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 Ok my opinion...break up with V immediately, no breaks, just break up. You cannot be with someone if you love someone else. It's not fair on her if you love another. Set her free. Now about G... Well if she is with someone else, just let her be for now and let that relationship (whatever that may be) take its natural course. I know this is harsh, but you need to be on your OWN for a while.. Yes, that means you will be lonely, sad, depressed etc etc but you need to do this for yourself. If your relationship with G was REAL love, then perhaps in the future this may be, but accept the reality it is for now, and that is... G is with someone else, you do not love V, and YOU need to be on your own for a good while. The rest will fall into place, hope this helps.. And what if nothing else happens,G does not come back. Shall I be prepared for that eventuality or shall I remain in hope. (I know this is a dumb question but I want to be prepared mentally now) Link to post Share on other sites
Author flume Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) I have already pleaded and lost face (maybe dignity too) in front of my ex. Everything that is advised not to do.But she says she has moved on. Would meeting her be a good idea. She and I are on same flight for a 2.5 hour journey. Both of us are heading to the same place so we decided to take the same flight. Should I go ahead. Should I take it as a last chance to get her back. Or should I reschedule. Honestly, I am having second thoughts of trying to be back (The way she was indifferent has shattered me but I keep on thinking of her.) This is really perplexing. How things could have been different. Edited March 2, 2011 by flume Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 You've had loads of advice, but you're doing the opposite of the advice being given if you're thinking of getting the same flight as her. I agree totally with Shatter3d's advice, you won't get any better advice than that. seems like there are bigger problems in the world dese days.. Can I get some advice??? I would really appreciate Link to post Share on other sites
Author flume Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 But isn't it the last chance to get back with her?? Considering she lives at a commute of 4-5 hrs. and her reluctance to meet me otherwise. I am afraid this may be the last chance I get to be back and after that it will be most likely over. Agreed, it may lead to loss of face, dignity etc. etc. but may be I can find solace in the fact that I tried. Link to post Share on other sites
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