Trishi Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 (edited) Okay, this requires a little backstory... I am currently 21 years old, have only had 1 partner previously a year ago, that only lasted like 3 weeks. I am currently in a quite severe depression, and have difficulty communication with anyone in reallife I am not close friends with. This means I pretty much shut down whenever a "stranger" talks to me, and this even includes schoolmates... I am, however, slightly lucky to have a few long time friends. These few people, I can speak with freely. I have no issues being around them at all. I have a few of male and female friends, but the gender haven't mattered so far. We are close friends, and have never been anything else. We hang out, joke around, play MMORPGs, and we are typically very honest with each other. Then this happened... We had one of our regular movie-nights, where we bring 2-3 movies, which we then spend half the night watching, before we split up and go home. This time, we were at my place, and everything went as normal. One of my friends, a guy I'll call Jack here, stayed a bit longer. I am truthfully confused at what happened next, because suddenly, he were groping me, undressing me, and... yeah, you get the picture I assume... We had sex. He were very forceful, and in my confusion, I wasn't able to resist. Psysically, it didn't feel bad. Actually, it might even have been good. But the way it happened was just so... surreal. I am absolutely clueless as to what I should do? When we "finished", he simple dressed up and left, just like that. There were no alcohol involved, so why he suddenly decided to take me like that, I can't even begin to guess... ...I'm afraid. I don't know what is going on. I have never heard of him having any feelings towards me, and I haven't had any either, especially not in my current state of depression. He never uttered a word during the act, and left without a word as well. We didn't kiss, but he did use protection, so I think he must have put at least some thought into it... As far as I know, he haven't had a girlfriend in the last 2 years, so I can hardly be a replacement for someone. I don't know what to do or think... This happened 2 days ago, and I haven't spoken with any of them since that day. I just haven't been able to concentrate on anything since, pretty much sitting on my bed, wasting any freetime I have on nothing... I have no one to talk to, no parents I dare contact with a matter like this, and I don't get any psycological threatment at the moment... Any ideas of what to do/assume would be greatly appreaciated... Is he trying to tell me he wants me as more than a friend, or...? EDIT: Something that may or may not be relevant, is that he is 28 years old... Significantly older than me. I have also been quite sexually active until about 5 months ago, when I got hit by a depression (Family issues...). Thanks in advance... Edited February 25, 2011 by Trishi Link to post Share on other sites
cocoa Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Wow, that doesn't seem like a nice thing to do for him at all. I was actually looking to see if this is the appropriate section to post here because something similar happened to me (except I was aware and helped things forward). I'm also quite a few years older than you, and the guy is slightly older than me but similar age to Jack. In any case I was also extremely confused after and wondered if he was interested in being something more than friends at all. Then I suppose I pushed way too hard in the next few weeks he's completely backed off now. He wouldn't see me and talking got weird too. So it really sucks I felt I lost the person I could talk to about anything. Hope we'll recover sometime at least. Coming from that, my advice would be, stay put, let him sort out what he wants. Forget about it if you can, ignore him, don't treat him nicer than you have before, until he comes clean about what he wants from you. If he doesn't, he's not worth it and let it go. If he ever tries to do similar thing again, STOP him. Hope it makes some sense and helps in some ways. Link to post Share on other sites
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Author Trishi Posted February 26, 2011 Author Share Posted February 26, 2011 Even today, my wrists are still a bit sore after it happened.... Not sure what to do or think right now... I am not sure if this is the right section to place this either, but it was the one that seemed the most correct... I am not sure I understand what you are saying... I should just try to pretend nothing happened? And not push questions, act differently, anything...? The only thing I'm afraid of is, that if he tries again, and I still can't stop him... I didn't explain how he is, but Jack is almost 2 metres tall, and have a very visible six-pack. The guy might enjoy games, but he works as a metalworker, and goes to the nearby gym twice a week. He can lift me off the ground with what looks like no effort at all... I'm not certain how I could stop someone like that... I guess I'll try "no", and hope he respects that... even if that seems like a very vague hope... Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Welcome ... your posting style sounds very familiar, have you been around here before? It sounds like you were raped. Did you try to resist, or did you go along with it? The guy does not sound like a "friend" of yours. Are you afraid of him? Why did you mention the gym, and his size? Do you think he is going to "take" you against your will again? If you were raped, you need to report it to the police. Evidently you're very young and inexperienced, though on another thread you say you've had five partners, and in this one you say you've had one before "Jack." In either case, this does not sound like a very healthy "friendship" at the very least. Link to post Share on other sites
cocoa Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Trish, yes I'm suggesting you not do anything right now. Reason is I think you are confused and overwhelmed right now. You need a safe distance from this guy to figure out how YOU feel about it and what YOU want, then go from there. Mme. Chaucer suggests you were raped. I almost added (unless you want to charge him with rape) to my previous comment when I left it as well. Are you prepared to press charges against him? My guess is not because you considered him a friend before and are still confused about what happened and how you feel about him + what happened. Am I guessing in the right ballpark? So figure out first how you feel about it and whether you want to report it as a rape to police. I understand what you are saying about "Jack". When he can easily overpower you physically and is physically coming on to you, yet you are uncertain of his intentions, it is very anxiety producing to think of stopping him. How about not let yourself be alone with him again while you still have this concern? If you want to discuss with him, do so where you feel safe and won't subject yourself to him physically - privately with other friends around, quiet public places, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Go and see the school counselor/psychologist on Monday. Tell them that it is extreemly urgent and you need to talk to somebody. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trishi Posted February 26, 2011 Author Share Posted February 26, 2011 Sorry for the strange wording... I've had 5 boyfriends in total, and as stated in the first post as well, I've been active for a few years until about 5 months ago. But the previous partner I had, was 1 year ago, so I hadn't been involved with anyone seriously for a while.. I am not experienced by a long shot, but I'm not exactly new to those kinds of things... I haven't been around here before though... Just signed up a few days ago. I tried resisting, but... It's a hard feeling to describe... He is strong. Very strong.. He lifted me from the ground, and held me against a wall, first thing when he took me... I couldn't move the arms he held me by at all... I also told him to stop a few times, but... From some of my past experiences, "stop" is hardly a word most people will heed in moments like that... Even if my tone were as strong as I could possibly muster in this situation. And about pressing charges... I'm not certain. I've thought about it the last couple of days, but I can't even make myself ask the rest of my friends... I don't want to cause any problems in our group, since we are all quite close friends. I don't want to think about what might happen if they knew... The foremost issue I have, is... why? I can't think of any kind of motive to do something like that... And the way it happened even made me double check the condom he left in the recycle bin to confirm it did happen, and wasn't just some kind of nightmare... And even worse, I can't understand why it felt good... I truly don't... I can't believe I could enjoy something like that, and even being completly honest, I can't say I liked the way it happened even 1 bit... Yet I felt myself react to him... it just feels wrong... I'll try asking Monday morning at school... I know the therapist there, so that's not a problem, thankfully... I've never understood why some people let their parents violate them, either through sexual acts, or beatings, without doing something... I understand them now. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 I don't think some things are as straightfoward as others might think. You are probably confused here because he was a friend and because you found your body reacting positively towards him. This doesn't mean you consented or that he should have done that and continued when you said stop. This was not consensual sex because you told him no. He held you up and you couldn't stop him. He meant for you not to have any way of resisting him. I think the fact that he didn't speak to you during or after actually says a lot in itself. He was treating you like a non-human who had no opinion to listen to. He may even have done this before to someone else. I would imagine that his behaviour totally took you by surprise and because it came from a friend was very confusing. It would be like my pet cat suddenly biting me on the ankle - I'd wonder what the hell was going on and would find it hard to believe he was actually biting me. I can see why you feel in a lonely place about this. Are you worried your friends might not believe you? If I'm honest, I have no idea how they'd react as they will be shocked at the prospect that one of them could have done this. You may also be feeling guilt and anxiety. Guilt that your body responded - because, after all, he was someone you felt fond of so it's no wonder you were confused - and anxiety over what will happen if you talk. You might feel that you would be betraying him. But think about what if he does this to someone else, someone he barely knows? Do you feel that it can't be rape because he knows you? Should he be allowed to get away with this and be free to spring the same 'surprise' on another, vulnerable female friend? All in all, this is a heck of a lot for you to cope with alone and you shouldn't have to. I also feel that you should speak to a counsellor. This isn't something you should have to deal with alone. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 You would be perfectly within your rights to press charges as this guy did rape you, whether you define him as a friend or not. I think you need to speak to a rape counsellor though, someone who can honestly advise you on what might happen if you do press charges and whether you have any chance of proviing it. The decision as to whether to press charges is likely to depend on: chances of success, proof, whether you feel you can cope. You haven't done anything wrong, but you've been taken completely by surprise by this guy who has taken advantage of his strength and your vulnerability. It is not a fair situation and I feel for you. I hope that they throw the book at him, if you do press charges. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trishi Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 I... think things have been resolved now... Yesterday, Jack mailed me a picture of a movie and a pack of condoms, with the text that he'd come over later.... I panicked, and called the cops before even answering the mail... I haven't been doing anything these past days, so the recycle bin, he used to throw out the spent condom, was still there... The police took him to the station, but I haven't been called in yet... I feel horrible about this... He looked so confused too when he got to my place, and was arrested by the police, like he had no idea what was going on... About my friends, I finally spoke with one of the guys.. Apparently, Jack have tried something similar with one of the girls in our group before, but something happened that prevented him from succeding (I wasn't told what) The 3 of them that knew had agreed to keep it from the rest, for the same reason I didn't want to tell them... I don't know what's going to happen now, but at least I have been told I shouldn't worry about going to court. At least the police said the case is more solid than a rock, so a personal testemony shouldn't be required, especially because of my current mental state, or something... They have a spent condom in my apartment, and the mail he send me were more than sufficient proof, apparently... Right now, I'm waiting for an ambulance to take me to the hospital, as they find it dangerous to let me go unmonitored. So I just wanted to tell you how glad I am you guys helped answer some of my questions... I am very grateful for your help... Thank you... Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Calling the cops was the right thing to do. Be proud that you were level headed enough to do that. By the time you read this you may already be in the hospital getting the help you need. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 (edited) Glad you called the cops, that guy is really awful and was clearly looking for a second opportunity to abuse you. It's good that your friends told you what happened to someone else. At least you won't feel quite so alone now. I hope things go well for you at the hospital and you are cared for properly. I'm sure the friend who was attacked, like you, will be so relieved to find she wasn't the only one and that her fear has been validated too. Take care of yourself and, if you can, let us know how you get on. I want to know if you're OK. Edited March 1, 2011 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
cocoa Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Hope you feel safer now. Take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Lionblade Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Sorry for the strange wording... I've had 5 boyfriends in total, and as stated in the first post as well, I've been active for a few years until about 5 months ago. But the previous partner I had, was 1 year ago, so I hadn't been involved with anyone seriously for a while.. I am not experienced by a long shot, but I'm not exactly new to those kinds of things... I haven't been around here before though... Just signed up a few days ago. I tried resisting, but... It's a hard feeling to describe... He is strong. Very strong.. He lifted me from the ground, and held me against a wall, first thing when he took me... I couldn't move the arms he held me by at all... I also told him to stop a few times, but... From some of my past experiences, "stop" is hardly a word most people will heed in moments like that... Even if my tone were as strong as I could possibly muster in this situation. And about pressing charges... I'm not certain. I've thought about it the last couple of days, but I can't even make myself ask the rest of my friends... I don't want to cause any problems in our group, since we are all quite close friends. I don't want to think about what might happen if they knew... The foremost issue I have, is... why? I can't think of any kind of motive to do something like that... And the way it happened even made me double check the condom he left in the recycle bin to confirm it did happen, and wasn't just some kind of nightmare... And even worse, I can't understand why it felt good... I truly don't... I can't believe I could enjoy something like that, and even being completly honest, I can't say I liked the way it happened even 1 bit... Yet I felt myself react to him... it just feels wrong... I'll try asking Monday morning at school... I know the therapist there, so that's not a problem, thankfully... I've never understood why some people let their parents violate them, either through sexual acts, or beatings, without doing something... I understand them now. Did he clearly hear you stay stop? Or did you just mumbled it? Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Did he clearly hear you stay stop? Or did you just mumbled it? Why is that even relevant? It's obvious that she didn't have any choice in the matter. Link to post Share on other sites
indija Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 wow, this sounds a lot like something that happened to me a couple of months ago...going through it felt weird, but reading about it (and the comments afterward) now make me feel even weirder, sad, whatever...obviously, i've been avoiding the guy and am feeling the loss of what i thought was my friend AND the confusion as to what exactly happened...luckily it didn't escalate to what yours did. i sure hope you're feeling better about it and know that it's not on you at all... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trishi Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 I feel a bit better right now. He have been given a... uh, restriction? To be 15 metres close to me, or something like that. My friends pretty much got pissed at him big-time :/ He got charged for 2 things somehow, actually. Not only for rape, but for attempted rape at my other friend he attempted this with as well. Not sure how they managed that, but... either way, it seems my friends are rather disappointed he only got to pay a fine(I think it's called?) and the restriction (Yeah, sorry, I have no idea what those terms are in English >_>) I think he confessed or something like that. According to a friend, Jack said he did take me against my word, but he thought I didn't mean "no" like in "I don't want this to happen", but thought I said it to encourage him... I was mildly scary to hear my friend say that - I've never heard her that angry before, but then again, if he did actually say that... I'm at a loss for words. And glad to know he isn't allowed to come anywhere near me again. Either way, I'm pulling through. Thank heaven I have a bunch of friends like these... And Indija, while I was really fearing how this would turn out, I have to say - I feel far better than I did, even before this happened. I was certain this would break our group of friends, but it did the opposite. We are closer than ever. It might just have been the circumstances, but I don't regret calling the police at all... I wouldn't hesitate to suggest calling for assistance immediately to anyone who was put in the same position. If it was a misunderstanding, and you can work it out, I guess that's great, but having the police intervene and help things along, will almost certainly make things go smoother. And also, thanks for the support you gave me in here. I'm very thankful for it. You are awesome Loveshack ^^ Link to post Share on other sites
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