Still strugling

[willowthewisp]

Hi all,

 

Well it's been almost two years since my ex of 20 years jilted me right after we booked our wedding. Since then I have heard he has moved a women in and proposed to her, within less than 7 months of knowing her. I am unsure if this is even true due to the way I heard it, long story!

 

Anyway, this last two weeks I have been doing 9 postgrad exams and on wednesday I became very unwell. I ended up in the emergency room as my GP (doctor) thought I may be having a heart attack, family history and I had crushing pains in my left arm. Thankfully it was a nasty stomach virus, apparently sometimes they mimic cardic spasms.

 

The whole time I was lying there being violetly sick, shaking and wondering if I was having heart attcak at such a young age I was thinking, "I'm 35 years old, look what my ex did to me! All this stress and upset, me killing myself to be able to support myself after he made me homeless, now he's marrying her, what was so wrong with me to reject me after 20 years and to marry her in less than a year?"

 

Since then I sat my last two exams, which didn't go to well given how unwell I have been. But one thing that is really bothering me is how upset I am again at what the ex did and has done since. I've had IC and been told that I self-blame due to emotionl abuse as a child (which continues into the present), but here I am again, beating myself up! Wondering what was so wrong with me that he could and would reject me after all those years, not good enough to marry, but this new one is.

 

Just don't want to go on. I'm very grateful that I am still here and that I had not had a heart attack, but I don't think I can stand to go the rest of my life constantly dealing with these emotions.

[worldgonewrong]

willowthewisp:

 

You are a beautiful, intelligent person.

 

You need to cut the man loose who did not see that in you.

Once you're free from him, mentally, you can flower and bloom.

 

I repeat - you are a beautiful, intelligent person with a great soul.

35 is young, young, young!

The world is waiting for you, NOW!

[tobydog1]

Oh Willow,

I am so sorry to hear you have been ill, all this stress, upset and heartbreak takes its toll on our health.

 

I suppose we will wonder and question the reasons why for ever.

You have done so well to get back to studying, I am sure you will have done fine!

 

As wgw says, you are young and intelligent and will meet someone else when it is time for you. As I am sure I will tho I am considerably older than you!

 

Take care and get plenty of rest to get you well again

Dx

Pm me whenever you want!

[Duckduckgoose]

You can't blame yourself for his actions, you did not force him to leave (unless you held him at gunpoint yikes) you did not make him do all those things. He did them of his own will.

 

I have trouble with beating myself up too, like if I had just tried harder things would have worked. Its futile because I know what I was doing the best and the rotten part was on HIS end not mine. I am going to try my damnedest to do better in the future by picking a man that knows what he wants and can handle a strong willed and assertive woman.

 

You have a lot to give to a man Willow, just get yourself well and then you will be in the best position to deliver when, yes that was a WHEN... when he comes around.

[allenmj]

You are only responsible for your own actions. Please do not punish yourself for what he did. Seems to me like it's his loss.

 

I have a feeling you'll be great, just give it some time

[willowthewisp]

Thank you all for your replies, it means a lot to have some support, I finsihed IC a while ago and I can't talk about this to my friends or family because after two years everyone is sick of hearing it.

 

You can't blame yourself for his actions, you did not force him to leave (unless you held him at gunpoint yikes) you did not make him do all those things. He did them of his own will.

 

I have trouble with beating myself up too, like if I had just tried harder things would have worked. Its futile because I know what I was doing the best and the rotten part was on HIS end not mine. I am going to try my damnedest to do better in the future by picking a man that knows what he wants and can handle a strong willed and assertive woman.

 

You have a lot to give to a man Willow, just get yourself well and then you will be in the best position to deliver when, yes that was a WHEN... when he comes around.

 

Duck, I know what you mean and I agree but I didn't want him to leave and I had no opportunity of trying harder because he didn't tell me anything was wrong. He said after he left that he had kept his unhappiness hidden for a really long time and had just been hoping things got better with time. He said that is what he had been thinking since he proposed and why it took him so long to break up. We were engaged 8 years so for all that time he says he was doing me a favour and hoping things would get better and that time would bring us closer together but it didn't.

 

His reason for breaking up with me was that I was too opinionated and he wanted to go out more with friends. To me they seem very easy things to solve, if I had known. But he said he wanted someone more easy going who he could see when he felt like it. I guess he found her. That is what hurts so much, he didn't think I was worth marrying in all those years, nearly 20 years yet this women is perfect. He said he couldn't be in a relationship that wasn't perfect, I guess he found one. Meanwhile I am single, the dating pool is awful and I don't think I will ever find anyone now. I'm not even going to get to have children now because he left me at this age, i probably have 5 years tops and I haven't met anyone yet.

 

You are only responsible for your own actions. Please do not punish yourself for what he did. Seems to me like it's his loss.

 

I have a feeling you'll be great, just give it some time

 

Thanks allenmj, I guess the reason I feel so upset is because he said he left me because of my actions, that I wasn't good enough for him and he had just been putting up with me for years because he brushes his feelings aside.

 

My IC says all these things he said are just excuses and he has committment phobia, that this women is a rebound a way to avoid dealing with what he has done but I don't know, sometimes I think that is logical and other times I sit and blame myself and take his words on board, that I really was just a dreadful human being and he put up with me doing me a favour for years and years.

[Steadfast]

...or you could be happily married to the world's sexiest, most successful, loving, doting man, have a beautiful house full of adorable children, perfect health, a wonderful career...then have a bus run you over unexpectedly. Dead. Who's better off? You or her?

 

He doesn't love you willow. Maybe he never did, who knows. You can't control him and maybe that's what is really bothering you. My ex doesn't love me willow, but she's around ALL THE TIME. Wanting, asking, needing. Taking. Putting out for others. I'd respect her more if she just let me be so I can go about my business.

 

She doesn't love me. She screwed me over. Big time. I don't care anymore! I get it and because I love me (and I do...I mean, someone has to right? Besides my kids?) I have moved on and despite my problems, continue to seek happiness. I've found some too.

 

When my ex jumped on another guy for her sexual pleasure I was 49, overweight and completely wrecked. 35? Good lord! What? A good pal of mine just gave birth to her first child and she's 46. Both are in perfect health. She once said there was no one on earth to replace her ex. No one. Now? She gets on her knees and thanks God he left. Her man is loving, cool and devoted to her. She no beauty queen either, but she's a great person. She's unselfish, smart, deep and so easy to talk with. Damn, he's a lucky guy. Both are blessed.

 

But it could all end tomorrow. as it could for any of us.

 

Come on girl, stop using this guy as an excuse to get on with your life. Stop taking anything you don't like, pretty yourself up, dream big and stop the self-molestation. Love yourself willow, and if you don't feel lovable than do it for others. That'll fix the problem. Forgive him, let it go and make it good. I did it, others have too. It's there is you want it. Do you?

[willowthewisp]

...or you could be happily married to the world's sexiest, most successful, loving, doting man, have a beautiful house full of adorable children, perfect health, a wonderful career...then have a bus run you over unexpectedly. Dead. Who's better off? You or her?

 

He doesn't love you willow. Maybe he never did, who knows. You can't control him and maybe that's what is really bothering you. My ex doesn't love me willow, but she's around ALL THE TIME. Wanting, asking, needing. Taking. Putting out for others. I'd respect her more if she just let me be so I can go about my business.

 

She doesn't love me. She screwed me over. Big time. I don't care anymore! I get it and because I love me (and I do...I mean, someone has to right? Besides my kids?) I have moved on and despite my problems, continue to seek happiness. I've found some too.

 

When my ex jumped on another guy for her sexual pleasure I was 49, overweight and completely wrecked. 35? Good lord! What? A good pal of mine just gave birth to her first child and she's 46. Both are in perfect health. She once said there was no one on earth to replace her ex. No one. Now? She gets on her knees and thanks God he left. Her man is loving, cool and devoted to her. She no beauty queen either, but she's a great person. She's unselfish, smart, deep and so easy to talk with. Damn, he's a lucky guy. Both are blessed.

 

But it could all end tomorrow. as it could for any of us.

 

Come on girl, stop using this guy as an excuse to get on with your life. Stop taking anything you don't like, pretty yourself up, dream big and stop the self-molestation. Love yourself willow, and if you don't feel lovable than do it for others. That'll fix the problem. Forgive him, let it go and make it good. I did it, others have too. It's there is you want it. Do you?

 

I'm so hurt by this post I can't even find the words.....

[Yasuandio]

Willow,

 

Here are the painful facts:

 

You have been living a pseudo-married life with man for 20 years without the benefit of marriage, nor the opportunity to start a family.

 

For the last eight years you have lived with illusion that this man would marry you. (Here, want you to ask yourself, how did "engagement" get on the table? I bet you finially got fed up, right? If not, what has prevented the tow of you from marrying?)

 

After this length of time in a comitted relationship, I believe your sympoms may be kin to those of a married woman who's husband has left her for another woman. It may be useful for you to look at that dynamic of infidelity in material such as "Marriage Builders.". Because, although, you're technically not married, you may be able to employ some of the stratigies in a like situaion.

 

I guess I'm an optomist. Whatever, you need to doll yourself up and be seen, because, you, young lady are unmarried and free as the wind!

[willowthewisp]

Willow,

 

Here are the painful facts:

 

You have been living a pseudo-married life with man for 20 years without the benefit of marriage, nor the opportunity to start a family.

 

For the last eight years you have lived with illusion that this man would marry you. (Here, want you to ask yourself, how did "engagement" get on the table? I bet you finially got fed up, right? If not, what has prevented the tow of you from marrying?)

 

After this length of time in a comitted relationship, I believe your sympoms may be kin to those of a married woman who's husband has left her for another woman. It may be useful for you to look at that dynamic of infidelity in material such as "Marriage Builders.". Because, although, you're technically not married, you may be able to employ some of the stratigies in a like situaion.

 

I guess I'm an optomist. Whatever, you need to doll yourself up and be seen, because, you, young lady are unmarried and free as the wind!

 

Hi Yasuandio

 

Thank you for your reply. That's exactly what my relationship was, he even told me he thought of me as his wife we just hadn't had the ceremony. Why? Because everytime it was brought up he would come up with an excuse, work, moving house and so on. Having gone over in IC I can now see that if he couldn't come up with an excuse he would deliberately start a fight or throw a tantrum to get out of it. As i was with him such a long time, I trusted his excuses and did not realise the he was deliberately starting fights to put it off, that may sound stupid but when when you are with someone from age 15 you just don't think they would do something so decietful. You are correct he proposed i think because we had discussed marriage a lot and also his family and mine were asking a lot about when we were going to get married. He then put it off again and again.

 

To my knowledge, he was not cheating on me and has got together with this women after he left, however my IC did suggest that it was very quick and so perhaps infedility was a possibility, but to be honest he was home a lot in the last 6 months of our relationship, i don't think he had the opportunity to cheat and also some comments he made about other women not finding him attractive lead me to think not.

[Yasuandio]

Willow,

 

Here is the scenerio or context I am proposing. A focal point so the most appropriate stratigies can be applies in your situation.

 

OK. This is a guy that didn't want to get hitched to you for whatever reason. Of course, you needed to tell him a long time ago, sh-t or get off the pot. That said it's too late.

 

It is quite possible, due to the length of time you've been together, that he has quite more than he thinks invested in your relationship. But Willow, he may be ready to move on to new pastures, I'm sorry, you have to factor that in at least 50%.

 

I was not suggesting that he was cheating on you.

 

Instead, I want you to spin your relationship into essenially what it really has been, that is if you've been living together like man and wife (you did mention he felt like you were his wife). Can you give me a little more detail on the living arrangment, and length thereto? Also, do you own anything together? Did you co-mingle your money? Did you ever do your taxes together?

 

Did he just leave the premises, without any arrangement on how his portion of yhe expenses are to be covered? Instead of feeling words, list some facts if you feel comfortable.

 

Then tell us, only if you want to, if you at this moment, with history as it stands, have any relationship with this fellow that you desire, what would that be?

[Steadfast]

I'm so hurt by this post I can't even find the words.....

 

If you're hurt by what I've written, then you are addicted to pain. You have bigger issues. I can't say for sure because I'm not in your head, but you seem to suggest (even by not responding) that your pain is more painful. Your situation is more difficult. Willow, it isn't. I'm not saying this because I desire to be always right and never wrong, but because it's true.

 

This board is full of heartbroken shipwrecks swimming to the shore. Yeah, the water is cold and it can be lonely, but you have to keep swimming. Floating out in the water and complaining won't get you to safety.

 

If a love-struck boob like me can make it, then a young, attractive, intelligent 35-yo post grad student like yourself can (yes, can...as in you certainly can) get past this and back into the sunshine of life.

 

I'm not retracting one single word I wrote. It was directed to you out of care, concern, friendship and personal experience. That said, I'm done for now unless you'd like me to elaborate somehow. Feel free to ask-

[willowthewisp]

If you're hurt by what I've written, then you are addicted to pain. You have bigger issues. I can't say for sure because I'm not in your head, but you seem to suggest (even by not responding) that your pain is more painful. Your situation is more difficult. Willow, it isn't. I'm not saying this because I desire to be always right and never wrong, but because it's true.

 

This board is full of heartbroken shipwrecks swimming to the shore. Yeah, the water is cold and it can be lonely, but you have to keep swimming. Floating out in the water and complaining won't get you to safety.

 

If a love-struck boob like me can make it, then a young, attractive, intelligent 35-yo post grad student like yourself can (yes, can...as in you certainly can) get past this and back into the sunshine of life.

 

I'm not retracting one single word I wrote. It was directed to you out of care, concern, friendship and personal experience. That said, I'm done for now unless you'd like me to elaborate somehow. Feel free to ask-

 

Your post read to me as you were totally invalidating my feelings, telling me I should be grateful I'm not dead and have no right to feel what I am feeling. You then called me controling, telling me that was my real problem. Then you invalidated my feelings about being robbed of the chance of having children, without getting all the facts, I have a health problem which means having children after 40 would be too risky.

 

You then continued on to tell me that he never loved me, implying that I was used for 20 years, that I should think myself lucky and to just "pretty myself up" and that I need to try and dream big.

 

I have been trying, if you knew what I had achieved in the last two years you would not have said that to me. Now you attack me further by saying I am addicted to pain and I think my problems are bigger than anyone elses on this board. How dare you!

[Yasuandio]

Willow,

 

Please forgive me! I mis-read the post, and somehow got to thinking it was a current situation. I am so sorry. My short term memory is totally fried. Please accept my apologies!

 

PS Sometimes people can be harsher than necessary. It is bacause they themselves are in pain.

Edited February 25, 2011 by Yasuandio

[willowthewisp]

Willow,

 

Please forgive me! I mis-read the post, and somehow got to thinking it was a current situation. I am so sorry. My short term memory is totally fried. Please accept my apologies!

 

No worries Yasuandio. In answer to your questions anyway we lived together 10 years, we were on our third jointly owned property and had joint bank accounts etc. All the legals were dealt with by a legal seperation a year and half ago. My IC told me that if my ex had been unhappy and ready to move on there would have been problems evident in the relationship, we have been over it all with a fine tooth comb in many sessions and I did not miss any red flags, except his inability to commit. IC seems to thimk this new women is a rebound/avoidance and well he hasn't married her yet, lets face it, he was engaged to me 8 years!

[Yasuandio]

If that was the case Willow, why were you not technically married through Commonlaw?

 

(excuse me that I'm totally dumb about this)

 

Also, if you please, the last sentence of my post, of course, only if you are comfortable.

[Yasuandio]

Your post read to me as you were totally invalidating my feelings, telling me I should be grateful I'm not dead and have no right to feel what I am feeling. You then called me controling, telling me that was my real problem. Then you invalidated my feelings about being robbed of the chance of having children, without getting all the facts, I have a health problem which means having children after 40 would be too risky.

 

You then continued on to tell me that he never loved me, implying that I was used for 20 years, that I should think myself lucky and to just "pretty myself up" and that I need to try and dream big.

 

I have been trying, if you knew what I had achieved in the last two years you would not have said that to me. Now you attack me further by saying I am addicted to pain and I think my problems are bigger than anyone elses on this board. How dare you!

 

Willow,

 

Go back and look at Steadfast's first thread on LS. It will really enlighten you. Look how much he has changed! Rather than taking it personally, or being defendive, look through his pain/resentment, and search for the wisdom he is offering. It is there.

[Steadfast]

How dare you!

 

Indeed.

 

Rather than bore you and everyone else trying to defend and explain, I'll just say read it again. If you care not to, then take the time to remember that bad things happen to good people and life isn't always fair. What do we do then, in response? Life is like a cake; it's only as good as the ingredients we put into it.

 

You assume much, but comprehend considerably less. That's yours willow, as it pertains to what I wrote anyway. This board is for communicating and I read every post you write here. Ask me why and I'll tell you.

 

And yes; I said pretty yourself up. Not to superficially attract some a-hole but to celebrate your beauty, both inside and out. Do it for you. I'll say it again because it bears repeating; love yourself. Forgive him. Live!

[willowthewisp]

Yasuandio,

 

There is no such thing as common law husband and wife in the UK, it is a myth.

 

The last line of your post? I don't really understand what you are asking me? I am guessing you want to know if I would want a relationship with him after everything he has done?

 

My answer to that is yes, I still want to marry him and have his children, I have loved him since I was 15 years old and despite trying to stop loving him as he has given me no choice, I have been unable to, I guess that is what happens when someone truely and unconditionally loves someone else. It's a shame more people aren't capable of it because then perhaps there would be far less divorces and much less pain.

[worlybear]

HeyWillow-really sorry that you're hurting.

It sounds like you've suffered a bit of a set-back and I can understand how low that makes you feel.

I don't understand these setbacks either- (I get them too)they just seem to hit when you're exhausted and physically vulnerable through illness and stress and damn its very difficult to climb out of that hole!

But..... each day is a new day.

Try and focus on something positive each day even if you feel you are drowning in a sea of despair.

It could be something as small as a flowering snowdrop, that is surviving in a tiny patch of soil, despite all the odds.

But its there and its surviving and its growing- despite its struggle and circumstances.

Look how far you have come! Really!

You have pulled yourself up and embraced life again on more than one occasion and you will do again, this time.

First, focus on getting yourself physically well. Eat and exercise properly. Do things that you enjoy doing- even if its just re-watching an old movie.

When thoughts of your ex threaten to upset your equilibrium, meet your feelings head on and write it all down.

Its a great way of coping. Once you've finished writing, move on and do something else you like doing.

I'm not going to pretend that its easy to overcome blows to your self esteem that you have suffered, 'cos you and I both know its very difficult. But its not impossible.

You will never be the same Willow you were with your ex but you are evolving and changing all the time and in the not so distant future you will be a "different" Willow again ,from the sad place you find yourself in now, as you adapt and change to your personal circumstances.

Sorry if this sounds like a load of psycho-babble as that's not my intention.

Some people are capable of great love and caring and some people, quite frankly are s****!

I think you know which category that your ex(and mine!)fall into!

But he's no longer in your world.

When you feel better (and you will!)- pick yourself up and continue re-building again!

Many hugs:bunny::bunny:

[Yasuandio]

Indeed.

 

Rather than bore you and everyone else trying to defend and explain, I'll just say read it again. If you care not to, then take the time to remember that bad things happen to good people and life isn't always fair. What do we do then, in response? Life is like a cake; it's only as good as the ingredients we put into it.

 

You assume much, but comprehend considerably less. That's yours willow, as it pertains to what I wrote anyway. This board is for communicating and I read every post you write here. Ask me why and I'll tell you.

 

And yes; I said pretty yourself up. Not to superficially attract some a-hole but to celebrate your beauty, both inside and out. Do it for you. I'll say it again because it bears repeating; love yourself. Forgive him. Live!

 

Christ, Steadfast.....Your anger and resentment caused my iPhone lock up! Why don't you have a look at your first post and then perhaps reconsider the amount of venom your spewing at Willow? A little reflection time doesn't hurt anyone, does it?

[trippi1432]

Willow - It's so very hard when someone we love doesn't love us back, or seems not to...it's hurtful, but yes, you can still love them and may love them forever whether it works out or not. That is unconditional as well as a part of them stays with you in your heart. But it doesn't stop you from living and finding happiness or allowing you to love someone else in the same manner again.

 

I love my children unconditionally, in that, they never have questioned whether I love them or not, even when they do something that I don't agree with...even when they are angry with me or I them...they never fear losing my love for them...nor do I fear losing theirs.

 

To love someone unconditionally, you have to start with loving yourself....it's about respecting yourself and it's about not putting up with bad treatment just for the sake of loving a person or for fear of losing whatever you think they are showing you to be love. It's also not about defining your self worth based solely on that person, but knowing yourself that you are good enough for them and they for you.

 

You can still love him unconditionally and perhaps one day your paths will cross again and it will different the next time...because you do love him and always will. But because he doesn't love you back...right now...does not mean that your life has to stop, that your life is on hold. To do so only builds resentment which is not unconditional love.

 

My mother and step-father are a prime example of unconditional love. They knew each other in high school....my step-father loved my mother for decades even though she went on to marry my real father. He went on to marry someone else too and built his life, but a part of his heart never stopped loving my mother. Their paths crossed again over 20 years later and they have been married now for 17 years...but neither of them stopped finding their happiness before they found each other again.

 

Unconditional love is not black and white....sometimes it's about knowing what is best for someone else or best for you and letting go in love because you do love them....that's unconditional love.

[willowthewisp]

it doesn't stop you from living and finding happiness or allowing you to love someone else in the same manner again.

 

But because he doesn't love you back....

 

IC told me he does love me he has issues and is in denial, until that denial lifts I will never get an apology. Our relationship was not bad trippi, we didn't fight, we we were loving, caring, a few days befor he left he told me how much he loved me and how I made him feel safe and secure just by lying next to him at night. Does that sound like someone who was unhappy? Does that sound like someone who does not love me? He has run away, terrified of marriage because his parents fought, violently, constantly all through his childhood. He told me the day before he left about a way that he used to cope with their fights, he asked me never to tell anyone and I won't, it's too personal, too painful for him.

 

It does stop me from living, from loving someone else for one simple reason....NO ONE WANTS ME! NO ONE. I'm not good enough for anyone, there is no one to date. Why is it that people keep saying to me, go out and live, find some happiness, fins someone else??????????/ Tell me how then because I'm ****** if I know! There literally are no men that are interested in me. I go out, I go to bars, I go to sprots clubs, I talk to guys on trains FFS, NO ONE WANTS ME! I'm destined to die alone, i laid in the hospital ALONE. Don't you get it, I am sick of trying, I'm done, what is the ******* point in living a life of all consuming pain, lonliness and misery, there is nothing to breathe for.

 

He's going to marry her to prove something to himself, he's going to marry a women who is only with him for his money and desperate to have children because he cannot admit his problem to himself. Meanwhile, nothing is getting any better for me. It's getting worse. Two years I have been trying, two years, nothing is improving, I can't get work when I leave uni, I can't even get an interview and I will be homeless again in June. I suffer emotional abuse daily in my living environment. I have been striving, I have worked my ****** a** off for the last two years to try and better my life, to try and get over this, to try and move on, to find some happiness and NOTHING is working. I can't do it anymore.

Edited February 26, 2011 by willowthewisp

[willowthewisp]

Just ignore me, I'm not worth anyones effort, it's never going to get better, I've tried I really have.

[Steadfast]

First of all...Yasuandio; stop trying to fix me. You're reading it all wrong. This thread isn't about me but for what it's worth, I'm not angry or resentful. I'm not spewing anything. Perhaps my approach is misunderstood.

 

Willow please know, how I understand life and people is based on actions, not words. You did the right thing by getting IC, but even the best counselor cannot read minds. Personally, I think it's a reach that he say that your former SO still loves you. And while it's true that experience can teach us much about human nature, the 'proof of the pudding' always lies in what a person actually does, a opposed to what they say.

 

Just ponder that. OK? Almost in every case, a person in love will desire to be with the person they are in love with. Overly simplistic, but true.

 

And while on the subject of love, allow me to toss out there that it is entirely possible that this man does not truly know how to love...because it is entirely possible that he does not love himself. That is why I said, perhaps he never did. You are taking responsibility for his actions and limitations, and because only he can decide for him this cycle is an endless one for you; no resolution possible. The only person willow can control and decide for is willow. These are control issues willow, and issues, even when carried out with the best of intentions, are still issues. In that regard all share. I begged and pleaded for my ex to stop doing wrong. I tried in every way possible to make her understand, but it was a fight I could not win.

 

As for the rest, I can only advise. And while words on your screen can help somewhat, they are a poor substitute to a caring, loving friend to lean on. My support group may have grown tired of lifting me up, but if they did they never showed it. You need someone near you, a face to face person to share and deal with this. I hope you can find this person, or group.

 

I have some ideas on that, if you're interested. Nothing earth-shattering, but ideas nonetheless. Let me know and I'll share more.