Still strugling

[willowthewisp]

OK I give up. I've done all the things suggested, I've done internet dating, I tried going out and NOT looking for someone, I've even given up on finding someone and guess what? The cliche expression of "you'll meet him when you least expect it" didn't happen...shocker!

I give up. I resign myself to a life alone. No one wants me, fine.

 

Steadfast I will add you to my contacts so you can see what I look like.

[Steadfast]

You are NOT invisible, you just really know what you are looking for which may be why the few nice men you meet are incompatible. I feel the last thing you are looking for is to "wake up" a year down the road with someone who cannot even put a label on the relationship much less a ring on your finger. (Using the term "wake up" as a mental awakening)

 

Whoever that lucky man is, he'll be slipping that ring onto the finger of a lovely bride. One that's intelligent, articulate and expressive.

 

I understand your feelings willow. They are yours to keep or release. But I'll say in a way of encouragement that you might thank your lucky stars someday for the wait. He IS out there willow, and he wants you as much as you want him. Here's hoping the wait is short and fulfilling.

[willowthewisp]

Whoever that lucky man is, he'll be slipping that ring onto the finger of a lovely bride. One that's intelligent, articulate and expressive.

 

I understand your feelings willow. They are yours to keep or release. But I'll say in a way of encouragement that you might thank your lucky stars someday for the wait. He IS out there willow, and he wants you as much as you want him. Here's hoping the wait is short and fulfilling.

 

Thanks for the compliments Steadfast, appreciated, I also guess you saw my pictures and I now know what the problem is.

[Steadfast]

Thanks for the compliments Steadfast, appreciated, I also guess you saw my pictures and I now know what the problem is.

 

Unknown by me willow, but I don't have to know. If I'm allowed a guess, it's probably nothing more than a lack of patience. Easier said by me than endured by you, but we all have our crosses to bear. Hang in, chin up-

[willowthewisp]

I'm resigned to being alone, I have no choice.

[2.50 a gallon]

Willow

 

Standing back from a distance, I can see that the winds of love are doing you a favor and waiting for the right time. You are not ready

 

I know that it is hard to read. I have been your friend for more than a year now, so I understand why you want to get out of where you presently are.

 

For now you are too anxious, you can't wait for it to happen. You would do or give anything to make it happen. In short you are willing to mold your life into what ever of how you think that he would want you.

 

Sadly, the odds are pretty good, that the relationship would end up just like the last one you are trying to get over.

 

Aren't your finals for your schooling coming up in a couple of months?

 

Next step is for you to get out on you own, and discover what the real willow is really like.

 

One step at a time

 

Your friend Gallon

[willowthewisp]

Willow

 

Standing back from a distance, I can see that the winds of love are doing you a favor and waiting for the right time. You are not ready

 

I know that it is hard to read. I have been your friend for more than a year now, so I understand why you want to get out of where you presently are.

 

For now you are too anxious, you can't wait for it to happen. You would do or give anything to make it happen. In short you are willing to mold your life into what ever of how you think that he would want you.

 

Sadly, the odds are pretty good, that the relationship would end up just like the last one you are trying to get over.

 

Aren't your finals for your schooling coming up in a couple of months?

 

Next step is for you to get out on you own, and discover what the real willow is really like.

 

One step at a time

 

Your friend Gallon

 

That's completely unfair and not true. As I have said many times, if I were willing to be with anyone or to be anything for anyone I would still be seeing the ex BF, as it is he has now asked me out 3 times, I dated him, now this time I have said no. Same with the guy I met online I was dating, he wasn't right for me, so I said goodbye, what's more we are really good friends now and text and hang out and do things together as friends. That was possible because according to him "you treated me with honesty, openess and integrity and always told me where you were at".

 

I am more than ready to find a life partner Gallon and what is more the last realtionship did not end because of me, my ex has serious issues which he refuses to address. I am not going to keep accepting blame where there is none, I treated my ex with love and care, that is why it lasted nearly 20 years.

 

Yes I have my finals in 3 weeks.

[tojaz]

I'm resigned to being alone, I have no choice.

 

Of course you have a choice Willow, its just not happening quite as quick as you'd prefer. Its frustrating I'm sure, but by no means a life sentence...... unless you choose it to be.

 

Write now your in a tough spot, busy with classes and not in an area teaming with eligible bachelors or the kind you'd rather not meet. This is a temporary condition though Willow. You are entering on a new life, a new career, and you never know where that may take you. or who it will bring into your life.

 

TOJAZ

[robf1971]

For now you are too anxious, you can't wait for it to happen. You would do or give anything to make it happen. In short you are willing to mold your life into what ever of how you think that he would want you.

 

 

Yeah I was out the other weekend with friends, there were quite a lot of single women in their 30's round the table also. It was terrifying, the way they were talking to each was like they were desperate for the right man. Nothing, I repeat Nothing turns a man off more than that.

[willowthewisp]

Yeah I was out the other weekend with friends, there were quite a lot of single women in their 30's round the table also. It was terrifying, the way they were talking to each was like they were desperate for the right man. Nothing, I repeat Nothing turns a man off more than that.

 

Well as I said I am not desperate, just a bit fed up that I don't seem to meet any men my age.

 

Have you asked yourself why these friends seemed desperate? Perhaps it's because they are sick to death of dealing with losers, time wasters, users, committment phobic children? Perhaps what you were hearing was these women saying how they are fed up of there not being any decent men about, worthy of their care, rather than being desperate I think that shows that they aren't desperate, they aren't putting up with anything.

 

Oh and one more thing, if a guy is stupid enough to pass me by then he really is missing out on something special because I am worth having and HE would be lucky to have me, not the other way around.

[robf1971]

Well as I said I am not desperate, just a bit fed up that I don't seem to meet any men my age.

 

Have you asked yourself why these friends seemed desperate? Perhaps it's because they are sick to death of dealing with losers, time wasters, users, committment phobic children? Perhaps what you were hearing was these women saying how they are fed up of there not being any decent men about, worthy of their care, rather than being desperate I think that shows that they aren't desperate, they aren't putting up with anything.

 

Oh and one more thing, if a guy is stupid enough to pass me by then he really is missing out on something special because I am worth having and HE would be lucky to have me, not the other way around.

 

Actually I'm just saying a woman putting out a confident "I'm not really out to meet anyone vibe" is much more attractive.

[robf1971]

committment phobic

 

Sadly, many men in this age group have been so burnt in relationships this comes with the territory at our age. I mean just read through these forums and it's easy to see why so many guys are reluctant to get into relationships.

[trippi1432]

Well as I said I am not desperate, just a bit fed up that I don't seem to meet any men my age.

 

Have you asked yourself why these friends seemed desperate? Perhaps it's because they are sick to death of dealing with losers, time wasters, users, committment phobic children? Perhaps what you were hearing was these women saying how they are fed up of there not being any decent men about, worthy of their care, rather than being desperate I think that shows that they aren't desperate, they aren't putting up with anything.

 

Oh and one more thing, if a guy is stupid enough to pass me by then he really is missing out on something special because I am worth having and HE would be lucky to have me, not the other way around.

 

Very well said sweetie!! Loving that and very true. :bunny:

 

Actually I'm just saying a woman putting out a confident "I'm not really out to meet anyone vibe" is much more attractive.

 

That really is music to a man's ears...typically because it resonates that you may be the type of girl just looking for a good time....later, when you think the relationship has merit, they will throw that in your face as they run out the door.

 

Sadly, many men in this age group have been so burnt in relationships this comes with the territory at our age. I mean just read through these forums and it's easy to see why so many guys are reluctant to get into relationships.

 

This is very true..and what is on the dating market as well...I see it in my friends who are divorced and dating too...like this person for a while, first bad patch comes along, back to the market to try again....keeping their options open in case the next guy/gal is a better catch.

[willowthewisp]

Very well said sweetie!! Loving that and very true. :bunny:

 

 

 

That really is music to a man's ears...typically because it resonates that you may be the type of girl just looking for a good time....later, when you think the relationship has merit, they will throw that in your face as they run out the door.

 

 

 

This is very true..and what is on the dating market as well...I see it in my friends who are divorced and dating too...like this person for a while, first bad patch comes along, back to the market to try again....keeping their options open in case the next guy/gal is a better catch.

 

Then they really shouldn't be dating! Everyone here has been hurt Rob, it's why we are all here, male and female, but if you have not dealt with the issues caused by the hurt, fear of getting close to someone for fear of hurt, then those people shouldn't be dating IMO. Being scared to get into another another relationship for fear of being hurt is living a half life and letting the person who betrayed you win. It's giving them power over you, it's changing who you once were and what made you different from the walk aways and the cheaters in the first place and brings you down to their level because it makes you selfish in that you want love but you aren't willing to work for it, not willing to get close and share true intimacy. That's not a life.

 

Plus, going to be harsh here, but we all have s*** to deal with in life, so if you know you have a fear, maybe even full blown CP as hard as it is it shouldn't be used as an excuse for bad behaviour towards others feelings and well, grow a pair and get some therapy. (Not you personally Rob, I know you were talking in general). We all had to deal with the c*** our ex's did to us before we were ready to date, I've had IC and some of it was hard, very hard, so should they.

 

So I'm off out in a few hours, what's the advice then? Act aloof? Ignore any men, approach men? WHAT? LOL Grrrrrrrrrr

Edited May 13, 2011 by willowthewisp

[trippi1432]

Then they really shouldn't be dating! Everyone here has been hurt Rob, it's why we are all here, male and female, but if you have not dealt with the issues caused by the hurt, fear of getting close to someone for fear of hurt, then those people shouldn't be dating IMO. Being scared to get into another another relationship for fear of being hurt is living a half life and letting the person who betrayed you win. It's giving them power over you, it's changing who you once were and what made you different from the walk aways and the cheaters in the first place and brings you down to their level because it makes you selfish in that you want love but you aren't willing to work for it, not willing to get close and share true intimacy. That's not a life.

 

Plus, going to be harsh here, but we all have s*** to deal with in life, so if you know you have a fear, maybe even full blown CP as hard as it is it shouldn't be used as an excuse for bad behaviour towards others feelings and well, grow a pair and get some therapy. (Not you personally Rob, I know you were talking in general). We all had to deal with the c*** our ex's did to us before we were ready to date, I've had IC and some of it was hard, very hard, so should they.

 

So I'm off out in a few hours, what's the advice then? Act aloof? Ignore any men, approach men? WHAT? LOL Grrrrrrrrrr

 

Just be yourself...a few posts back, I stated be true to yourself. There is a lot in that statement. Smile, be open, be friendly and pleasant...you don't have to be a sex kitten (heck, men just like to look at those and only the ones you don't want noticing you approach those types of women). Just be confident and be who you are.

[Olivia1966]

I have my finals in 3 weeks.

 

Good luck! Let us know how they turn out.

[tojaz]

Willow, I know I hit the board to late for our night out, but listen to Trippi. Just be yourself, you can't be that if your asking how to act, how to look, what to do etc. Very much the advice that has been given here all along. If your trying too hard then they aren't seeing the real you!!!

 

TOJAZ

[willowthewisp]

Well, I was myself, always am when I go out but I'm just trying to figure out why guys aren't attracted to me.

 

I have a question for the guys here on the board and I would really appreciate honest answers, it's anonoymous so no one need know! LOL

 

OK so the question is, what is it that a guy wants in a women? Secondly what is it a guy wants in a women for a relationship? As I realise the first question and the second question may have two different answers, that's my hunch anyway but I want to see if my oberservations and theory pans out.

 

Thirdly, do guys like being treated badly? Serious question, only I have observed that men seem like to high maintaince women who have no morals, are cheats and treat them mean. They also seem to like women who are a bit "ditzy", bit girly and silly. Is it a protect them kind of thing? Do you feel threatened by an independent, strong, sensible, level headed and educated women or something?

 

The reason I ask is men always say they want an intelligent and independent women yet the evidence points to the contrary.

 

Last night I was out with a friend who has just broken up with her boyfriend of just a few weeks. He is trying to get her back and judging from the end of night has suceeded. What I observed though was rather interesting, the women concerned is what I would call "high maintaince", constantly complaining to him, asking him to do unreasonable things, like bring the car round when it's parked two feet away because she's cold, expecting him to pay for everything, even though they aren't together and are not on a date, etc etc.

 

The way she speaks to him, like dirt, I would NEVER speak to someone that way. He lapped it up. She even said to me in the bathroom, "I love playing guys, it's so easy" all the while she is texting another guy she is meeting today, who is in a relationship and they have a child and who she has been banging.

 

She is your typical big b**bed, blone, heavy make up, girly girl. So my question, is it just sex that you men are interested in and only sex, are you willing to put up with any kind of treatment for a women who looks like a Barbie doll?

 

Deadly serious here.

[just_some_guy]

Some guys like that. Just like some girls like "bad boy" guys who take money from their purses, sit around the house getting high while she works and then drinking all night with his buddies, messing around, getting in fights and so on.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't put up with the treatment you just detailed.

 

I just want a woman who doesn't do crazy self destructive things, shares some common goals with me, that I feel "equally yoked" with, knows we are all individually responsible for our own happiness, that I feel loves, appreciates and respects me and has a compatible level of sex drive and desires.

[willowthewisp]

Thanks JSG, would anyone else like to wade in here? I am being serious, I look around at what men seem to be attracted to and wonder why? These boards alone show it as well, men wanting to take back cheaters, women who have had emotional affairs, physical affairs with men half their age.

 

Advice on this would be gratefully appreciated as I am seriously starting to wonder if I am totally unattractive to men in general.

[just_some_guy]

 

Advice on this would be gratefully appreciated as I am seriously starting to wonder if I am totally unattractive to men in general.

 

I doubt it, but I too, have wondered about why I seem to be a beacon for dysfunctional women. The common denominator, was me. While I wanted a healthy relationship with a happy, healthy woman, the signals I was unconsciously sending were saying something else.

 

It is that latter part that I've been working on, with a lot of difficult work on me, with the help of a very good therapist. You know they're good when they make you uncomfortable instead of feeling better. Growth hurts, no way around it.

[Steadfast]

I've been chewing on this since you posted it willow, but the answer to your question is as wide and varied as people involved. There's a reason stacks of books are written about the subject. One size does not fit all.

 

Generally (important; this is a very general observation) men are looking for the best looking woman they feel they can realistically attract. If fate intervenes to attract a woman they feel is above their usual standard, men will put up with an amazing about of crap to maintain the relationship. Who sets the standard? Other men; friends or family. What's the attraction, besides the heady promise of sex with a beautiful woman? A boost to their self-esteem and an increased station in life. A polished professional comes off way more successfully with a prized piece of eye-candy on his arm. It is an indicator of his confidence and attraction. It's usually all about them.

 

Women (hotties) of course, know all this. And twist it to their advantage.

 

And if an advantage can be gained by trading up, it's done with very little forethought. The feelings of the other never really mattered. Switch the sexes, it's all the same and apply all the variances to this theme. In 100% of the cases where promises are broken, the 'feelings' of the leaver win.

 

Older men, ones that have went through the divorce wars, are often very damaged goods. No matter how beautiful, most men will eventually want to turn their wife into mommy #2; making themselves another child. When the marriage fails men feel like they've lost their mother and wife; a huge double whammy. Used to build their self-esteem, many wives become the anchor for the husband's life and when she's gone (or worse, with another) a whole slew of emotions come into play. The instinct, if all is lost, is to get with another ASAP. Restore confidence. Make her jealous.

 

Yep. Like women, men understandably get hung up. It can last for years...maybe their whole lives. But love can be confused with need. It goes without saying that relationships built on false love -need or self-centered desires- will not last when the stormy waters rise. And they will, everyone faces them. These same things strengthen true love.

 

Like women, there are men who, for lack of a better description, have their sh*t together. They are strong, not easily swayed and have a deep love and sense of devotion for those they care for. Entrance into this circle isn't easy; it must be earned...proven, over the course of dating. They share, rather than demand. They listen, rather than control. Once in, you're in for life. No one will take them away from you. If your circle is the same as his, the two together form a bond that simply can't be broken.

 

Men like this seek the same willow. Shallowness and evil need not apply.

 

It sounds like a cliche' but it really is what's on the inside...which is a good thing for people like me! But let's not dismiss physical looks or fitness either. For many (not all) care to the outside represents what's going on inside. But it isn't flaunted, displayed or sold. It isn't a trap. It's a home.

 

What's inside will shine through. It's easier to see if it you have it yourself.

[willowthewisp]

I'm sick Full of head cold, I feel like poo. It's times like this I miss having a partner...notice I did not say my ex, that's because I don't want him, just someone who loves me and who is deserving of my love.

[Tiberius]

Hi all,

 

Well it's been almost two years since my ex of 20 years jilted me right after we booked our wedding. Since then I have heard he has moved a women in and proposed to her, within less than 7 months of knowing her. I am unsure if this is even true due to the way I heard it, long story!

 

 

 

The whole time I was lying there being violetly sick, shaking and wondering if I was having heart attcak at such a young age I was thinking, "I'm 35 years old, look what my ex did to me! All this stress and upset, me killing myself to be able to support myself after he made me homeless, now he's marrying her, what was so wrong with me to reject me after 20 years and to marry her in less than a year?"

 

 

Are your parents divorced or still married?

[robf1971]

Thanks JSG, would anyone else like to wade in here? I am being serious, I look around at what men seem to be attracted to and wonder why? These boards alone show it as well, men wanting to take back cheaters, women who have had emotional affairs, physical affairs with men half their age.

 

Advice on this would be gratefully appreciated as I am seriously starting to wonder if I am totally unattractive to men in general.

 

Trust me, it's a vibe a woman gives off. For example, going back to when I was out the other weekend there were a number of good looking ladies in their 30's. Now I'm not in the market for anyone but it was scary. They were like man eaters ready to pounce. There was one lady there who was intelligent, who didn't brag about her career (despite the fact she was the most successful of the lot of them)

 

She was the only one just talking, interested in what others had to say, quite honestly the only one I'd have considered dating if that's where I was in my life. My advice to you is stop being so anxious to meet anyone, people can spot it a mile off. Ohh and never, ever, ever chat about your ex or complain to anyone (I'm sure you don't anyway) if your in male company.