Still strugling

[trippi1432]

Good steps Willow - apartment hunting....granted perhaps not the best real estate due to what you can afford, but it's still a positive step to your independence and freedom from your home life. It's not easy starting over, and yes, it is not fair....but years from now you will look back and see just how far ahead of the curve you are having that education under your belt. Seems like there is always a struggle in our lives, but those are the things that eventually define our character later in life.

 

Everything else will eventually work itself out when you keep making those strides to take back control of your life.

[willowthewisp]

Really need to get this out, sorry that I only ever seem to post negatives, here goes...

 

My ex is/was so full of s***.

 

All I wanted was a family and home life. Now I can't even find a friend who is free to go out on the weekend.

 

I am so sick of my life, it f****** sucks.

[tojaz]

Really need to get this out, sorry that I only ever seem to post negatives, here goes...

 

My ex is/was so full of s***.

That is not negative at all, facts are facts!

 

All I wanted was a family and home life. Now I can't even find a friend who is free to go out on the weekend.

 

I am so sick of my life, it f****** sucks.

 

It will not be like that forever Willow. You are taking great strides to better your life, and that will be paid back to you.

 

TOJAZ

[willowthewisp]

So today I went out by myself, to a local market and then sat by the river at a wine bar and eat lunch alone.

 

Great life huh. If this is how it is going to be, I really don't see the point in carrying on.

[2.50 a gallon]

You did great Willow, all except the last part.

 

What I am trying to say is to detach and teach yourself to do things by yourself. Learn to take these special times, such as the wine by the river and enjoy them

 

I repeat, I have seen your photos and you are in the top 10 percent when it comes to looks. Give the guys a chance to start coming around. It might not be over night but it will happen, once you learn to relax and enjoy life.

 

Willow in my younger days I was short and skinny. Truth is at 21 I still looked like a 13 year old. (True story, when My XW and I went out to a disco, one of our first dates, I was 32 years old and they carded me, she was still a couple of months shy of being legal to drink and they did not card her).

 

In short I looked like a wimp. I was in a fraternity in college, and attended some great parties. When the girls arrived you could see their eyes traveling up looking at my brothers. I so badly wanted to make a sign and hold it up saying hey I am down here.

 

I had to do something to get their attention. So I learned to dance. I, mean I really learned how to dance. Even the black sisters asked me to dance.

 

That was step number one. Also, I remembered the "Glad Game", from the Disney movie "Polluanna" and began practicing it. I looked around and saw all of the advantages that was in my life. First I lived in America, free to think and do what I wanted. And upon looking around I realized what a great gift of life that I had. I saw older people, and lots of not so pretty and people. I saw people, my age and younger in wheel chairs. They began to cure polio about the time I turned 10. A kid (friend) down the street was stricken with it just about the time they announced the first vacines.

 

I told myself, hey I am alive, I am young, I can dance, I can run, I can climb trees, I can climb mountains, etc. So I am short and look like a wimp, that is better than living in a wheel chair, that is better than, . . . ., that is better than . . ."

 

Think positive.

 

I had to teach myself to think positive, and in so doing learned how to be confident. Many women find confidence in a man to be appealing and sexy. So in a way God gave me a gift when the city built the side walks to close to my buns.

 

You are still young, you are beautiful, you are about to start a new life, in truth, the world is your oyster, teach yourself to enjoy it

[tojaz]

So today I went out by myself, to a local market and then sat by the river at a wine bar and eat lunch alone.

 

Great life huh. If this is how it is going to be, I really don't see the point in carrying on.

 

Actually Willow, that sounds quite lovely. Something I would and have done as a treat for myself on occasion. But your not going to enjoy such things if your focused on what you feel is missing.

 

My weekend.. Set the alarm and walk up early so I can sip a cup of coffee while it is still quiet out. Then grab my camera and drive to the lake shore in just enough time that I can watch the sunrise from the pier. Alone. Sure it would have been nice to share that with someone, but why rob myself of that just because I was flying solo? Its still a great sight, a nice memory and a photo that hangs in my house to remind me.

 

Its living in the moment Willow, not the future, and not the past. Just making the decision to enjoy your day, shopping, sitting by the river and enjoying a bottle of wine and a nice lunch and taking a moment to not let the stresses of life creep in and spoil it.

 

Plus.... Sure there are many single guys like me, who would enjoy a nice lunch by the river, only to see a pretty like minded girl sitting alone doing the same...... I know what I would do in that situation.

 

TOJAZ

[willowthewisp]

Giving out the wrong impression clearly.

 

Relaity - sat outside by river, no wine because had to come home later and do a ton of school work (plus at £5 a glass, I couldn't afford it anyway), feel like I am getting sick as well, so school work taking even longer than normal. It was a functional lunch or a plate of fries (because that is all I could afford on the menu, a side order) and a cup of tea. I sat and watched families, friends, couples all having a great time. I was the ONLY single person there. I looked like a sad, pathetic loser sitting on her own with no company. No single guys Tojaz and even if there had of been, well, they wouldn't approach me would they, after all I was told uncatigorically just the other week that I am ugly and old.

[trippi1432]

I am ugly and old.

 

I deny someone's BS and abusive nature and insert a reality....you are NOT ugly and old....the person who told you that walks in their own fear of it truly being their own reality.

 

Yes, that was verbally abusive to tell you that Willow and emotionally manipulative to have you believe it as well. Soon, you will be away from that...you get closer to that goal everyday. Think of it like the NC advice you gave a new poster....one day at a time...hour by hour....to being free from someone who would say those hurtful things to you.

 

{{{ Hugs }}}

[willowthewisp]

I deny someone's BS and abusive nature and insert a reality....you are NOT ugly and old....the person who told you that walks in their own fear of it truly being their own reality.

 

Yes, that was verbally abusive to tell you that Willow and emotionally manipulative to have you believe it as well. Soon, you will be away from that...you get closer to that goal everyday. Think of it like the NC advice you gave a new poster....one day at a time...hour by hour....to being free from someone who would say those hurtful things to you.

 

{{{ Hugs }}}

 

It wasn't the family member who said it, it was two guys I know in school.

[trippi1432]

At law school?? I don't know if you mentioned it before, but why would they say something so immature (other than the fact that they probably were being immature)?

[willowthewisp]

At law school?? I don't know if you mentioned it before, but why would they say something so immature (other than the fact that they probably were being immature)?

 

Hey Trippi,

 

Yes at law school, one is 24 years old and the other is 36 years old. Why they said it I don't know, but I was told I would never find anyone because I am old and unattractive, not fit and firm anymore and that they get so peed off when single women in there 30s come on to them in bars because frankly they have no interest in women that age, not when they can have the young 20's hotties instead. Basically they said that no guy would ever look at me.

 

It was difficult to hear and understand this because I am a size 6, tall, brunette and whilst not the most beautiful in the face, I didn't think I was that bad, guess I was wrong.

[trippi1432]

Willow - So, these two immature, opinionated tw*ts tell you what their own selfish and callous attitudes are towards women in general....and used you as a means to emotionally hurt you due to their crudeness...and you are going to take that to heart? I see people like that for who they are and know that they will only find happiness in the shallowness of life. Mediocre at best for them, honestly, I would offer them my sympathies and laugh at the fact that one day, when they are old, fat and bald...they will be wondering why no one wants to be with them...probably due to a lifetime of mistreatment of women.

 

There is NOTHING wrong with you. Even 2.5 Gallon has told you this and has seen what you look like. Those guys are not looking at women for anything long term, marriage or anything of the sort...they just want to hit what they can and move on the next woman. Not even solid relationship material.

 

When the right person comes along, they won't have an attitude like that about women...and I guarantee you, in 20 years, the attitudes of those two guys will have changed else they will find themselves alone and paying through the nose in child and spousal support for each marriage they have due to their shallowness. (At least that is what I would have spat back at them...lol. I'm sooooo bad!) :o

[willowthewisp]

Willow - So, these two immature, opinionated tw*ts tell you what their own selfish and callous attitudes are towards women in general....and used you as a means to emotionally hurt you due to their crudeness...and you are going to take that to heart? I see people like that for who they are and know that they will only find happiness in the shallowness of life. Mediocre at best for them, honestly, I would offer them my sympathies and laugh at the fact that one day, when they are old, fat and bald...they will be wondering why no one wants to be with them...probably due to a lifetime of mistreatment of women.

 

There is NOTHING wrong with you. Even 2.5 Gallon has told you this and has seen what you look like. Those guys are not looking at women for anything long term, marriage or anything of the sort...they just want to hit what they can and move on the next woman. Not even solid relationship material.

 

When the right person comes along, they won't have an attitude like that about women...and I guarantee you, in 20 years, the attitudes of those two guys will have changed else they will find themselves alone and paying through the nose in child and spousal support for each marriage they have due to their shallowness. (At least that is what I would have spat back at them...lol. I'm sooooo bad!) :o

 

I guess, but it kind of explains why no one ever approaches me, why I never meet anyone my age. The only times I ever get asked for my number are young college kids, except the ex BF I went out with recently, but he liked me years ago, so was bound to like me now if that makes sense?

 

I dunno, the 36 year old is fat now! lol. Urgh, I don't know Trippi, maybe it's different in the US, like yesterday when Tojaz and Gallon said about going out on my own and meeting people, perhaps in the US people do appraoch each other in the grocery store, the book store or coffee shops, here in the UK that NEVER happens. Even if I smile at a guy, even if I strike up a conversation in the queue at the coffee bar, nothing comes of it. Maybe it is just not done here? That is why I keep asking on here for tips on how to meet someone my age. It appears to be impossible, other than in a nightclub or on a dating site, both attracting the wrong kind of men just looking to get laid in my expereince so far.

[trippi1432]

Well, how to meet a man your age...that's a hard one to answer I guess. I met my last exH via mutual friends because I had the same problem as you in my late 20's...couldn't meet anyone viable...and well, we see how that worked out. I was unapproachable in my late 20's...my very good male friend that I hung out with during that time told me that it was because I was too confident...I scared men away and they were afraid to approach me.

 

I know it's hard to find someone when you are looking so hard...I think that is the key to it. I think that it is universal...not just in the US.....I wish I could offer more advice in the dating area...but I have no clue right now...lol. Sorry. To be honest, in my life time, I have never really dated.

[habs53]

I guess, but it kind of explains why no one ever approaches me, why I never meet anyone my age. The only times I ever get asked for my number are young college kids, except the ex BF I went out with recently, but he liked me years ago, so was bound to like me now if that makes sense?

 

I dunno, the 36 year old is fat now! lol. Urgh, I don't know Trippi, maybe it's different in the US, like yesterday when Tojaz and Gallon said about going out on my own and meeting people, perhaps in the US people do appraoch each other in the grocery store, the book store or coffee shops, here in the UK that NEVER happens. Even if I smile at a guy, even if I strike up a conversation in the queue at the coffee bar, nothing comes of it. Maybe it is just not done here? That is why I keep asking on here for tips on how to meet someone my age. It appears to be impossible, other than in a nightclub or on a dating site, both attracting the wrong kind of men just looking to get laid in my expereince so far.

 

This is an interesting topic. A friend of mine and i were just discussing this a few days ago. She is a female and has been separated for a few years now and wants a new relationship.

She tells me that no men her age wants her or maybe just for sex. Only younger guys seem interested and she feels thats definitely just for sex and she is not interested in a younger guy anyways.

 

I think this is a common trend in many places. She is looking for me for answers to her problem and is getting mad at men in general for her being in this situation. She actually gets mad at me sometimes.

 

I myself am in my mid 40s. Its not that we do not like woman our age, we just find more attraction to younger woman. I dont mean like teens or anything, i mean maybe 10 years age difference or something. It is the way we are hard wired. I actually had to research this because i was a bit ashamed for feeling this way. Now i accept it.

 

Im sure that there is some men out there that wants someone there age. People fall in love all the time.

[2.50 a gallon]

Willow

 

I have lots of scattered thoughts.

 

Yes I will admit that I am not privy to the ways of UK males, but if your possible king Charles (scary thought) is an example, emigrate. In short, what do they know about good looking women, I mean look at what he passed up on, in favor of.

 

In my previous post I basically said, take your time, learn to enjoy life, be happy with yourself and let it happen.

 

Happy people are attractive, unhappy, brooding people with a chip on their shoulder are not. Devil may care, want to enjoy what life will bring me are attractive. Desperate clingy people are not. People who are open to experiencing new things, foods, music, events, are attractive. People who are not open to change and new experiences are only attractive to people who have similar views.

 

Love At First Sight (LOFS) does happen, but it is rare that both partners experience it simultaneously, and when it does, it hardly ever leads to a LTR. Even a dating relationship takes time to build.

[willowthewisp]

This is an interesting topic. A friend of mine and i were just discussing this a few days ago. She is a female and has been separated for a few years now and wants a new relationship.

She tells me that no men her age wants her or maybe just for sex. Only younger guys seem interested and she feels thats definitely just for sex and she is not interested in a younger guy anyways.

 

I think this is a common trend in many places. She is looking for me for answers to her problem and is getting mad at men in general for her being in this situation. She actually gets mad at me sometimes.

 

I myself am in my mid 40s. Its not that we do not like woman our age, we just find more attraction to younger woman. I dont mean like teens or anything, i mean maybe 10 years age difference or something. It is the way we are hard wired. I actually had to research this because i was a bit ashamed for feeling this way. Now i accept it.

 

Im sure that there is some men out there that wants someone there age. People fall in love all the time.

 

Great, so my ex of 20 years from highschool dumps me, without ever having married me, with no children at the age of 33, meanwhile he goes off with younger OW and I did nothing to deserve it. Now I am left, him having had the best years of my life, with no chance of ever having a family because he used me up and spit me out like trash, and men my age don't want me because they are hard wired to fancy younger women.

 

F***** excellent.

 

Gallon, i'm not desperate or brooding I would just like to have a chance at a family before it's too late. I did not deserve to be used the way I was by my ex and to be left at my age, meaning very little possibility of having children now. Remember, he did not marry me, I did not deserve to be used for 20 years by a committment phobic man to throw me away like I am worthless and to not even care that he may have taken away my chance to have children of my own and all because he wanted me, selfishlessly, so he used me and when it came time to marry me, when the FEAR kicked in, he threw me on the street.

 

Now I am mad.

 

EDIT message for anyone out there who has been waiting more than 3 years for a commitment, I don't mean a proposal, I had one of those from him, I mean actually committing, down the ailse, LEAVE HIM NOW HE WILL NEVER CHANGE AND YOU ARE WASTING YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT DESERVE YOU, take it from someone who had been there, do not kid yourself that all is well, he would not lie to you, he would not treat you like that, he will and he is.

Edited April 10, 2011 by willowthewisp

[worlybear]

Hey Willow, How are you feeling now?

i live in the UK too and I agree it is really difficult to meet people socially.

I don't know if I am allowed to name websites but if you want to pm me,there is a good one and I have met some decent people from them- I am not in a relationship (not ready now-probably not ever!) but I am friends with some nice guys and go out for meals, cinema and walks.

It's actually quite refreshing just to meet new people!

Re children- not being funny but have you considered supporting (as in taking out,helping with hwk etc, a child from a needy family?)

Apologies if I am way off line here!

Take care:bunny::bunny:

[2.50 a gallon]

Willow

 

"Desparate and brooding", sorry if you took it personally, as it was not meant to be. What I was trying to say, is that no matter how attractive a person is, there are personality traits that are most unattractive. People that are happy and upbeat are far more attractive than those who are not.

 

Before I hung out my "No Vacancy" on my heart I had about 30 years of dating.

 

This is a man's point of view, but might give you some insight as to how I met the ladies that I dated.

 

I met them at bars, discos, work, parties, through friends, at parks, and while out shopping.

 

Even though I truly am an introvert, I taught myself how to be an extrovert. I developed this attitude of just talking to women whom I had not been introduced to. I am always friendly to the cash register clerks, just small talk, and over time, even though we might never know each other names, we have a little bit of a common back ground. And the payoff two several fold. I lost some of my shyness, I built up an aura of confidence, I built up an aura of being happy.

 

I also began to talking to my fellow shoppers, such as at a grocery store, I would ask a lady how to cook something that she had in her basket. Soemtime to really learn, and sometimes I already knew but it gave us a little something in common. It was a shot gun approach.

 

But over the years, there were numerous times that I again met them at the store, or a park or a bar. And we already had something in common to talk about, "I want to thank you as the brussel sprouts were great"

It was at that time that names and sometimes numbers would be exhanged.

 

The first thing I learned to do was to become associate and later friends.

 

Example, I met my current GF one night on the way home from work when I stopped in a convience store to pick up a cold drink. I was attracted to her from the start, but did not push for a date. After that I stopped by her store quite often, and always found away to get her to laugh. It took time but we slowly became friends. Time from first meeting to first date, two years.

 

I met my ex-fiance at a sporting goods store. At first I pushed for a date and it failed, so I backed off, we became associates, and friendly enough to finally go fishing. Time from first meeting to first date, 10 weeks to 3 months.

 

The gal previous to my ex-fiance, was a nurse. Shortly after I moved out on my own, a couple of newly graduated nurses moved into my apartment complex, they liked to party, I liked to party, and even though we later moved to other apartments, the friend ship endured, and one day they told me about their new head nurse they wanted me to meet at their party that weekend.

 

Over the years I had several one night stands, but most of these died within a date or two, simply because we did not become friends first.

[trippi1432]

Actually Gallon....you hit on something there....Willow - do you consider yourself more an introvert or an extrovert?

[2.50 a gallon]

The best place to meet members of the opposite sex, was my apartment.

 

During my dating days I always chose to live in apartments.

 

When preparing to move to a new apartment, I was always chosey. It had to have a pool, by stopping by on a summer Saturday or Sunday afternoon I could get a read on what my possible new neighbors were like. Nobody outside and around the pool. Forget it.

 

I also was able to select apartments that had a volley ball court. Pool and volley ball and I met lots of ladies.

 

I also learned to forego living on the second or third floor, yes the view was better, but living on the ground floor left me room to have a Weber Bar-B-Q kettle just outside my door. And I met a lot of friends by simply Bar-B-Qing. Also I always had at the minium of a 6-pack cooling in the fridge, along with some wine, and always a couple of bottles of cheap champagne.

 

That and I had a decent stereo with a wide variety of music to chose from while the door was open and I was cooking outside

 

Again I was always friendly

 

I met my XW and my last long term GF prior to my present GF at the pool of my apartment.

 

One other thing, relationships started at the apartment complex, generally advanced faster, instead of months and years, quite often it was just a week or two.

 

Another thought, I also got out of the stereo type all guy things, by learning how to cook gourmet meals, dance, and when space like on my pation was available, I found a space or two to plant some flowers in pots.

 

Counter to that, I have found that women, who stretch into a man's world such as being interested in sports, such as football, baseball, and racing to be that much more attractive. Again it is the friend ship thing.

 

Last but not least SEX.

 

Sex by the third date, or it never happened. This was not a guy thing, as I can recall there were a couple of times, that I really wanted to take it slow, and there never was a fourth date. It was they who backed off, as they wanted a more assertive man. I leaned by lesson.

[trippi1432]

Sheesh....sent you a PM Willow.

[tojaz]

Great, so my ex of 20 years from highschool dumps me, without ever having married me, with no children at the age of 33, meanwhile he goes off with younger OW and I did nothing to deserve it. Now I am left, him having had the best years of my life, with no chance of ever having a family because he used me up and spit me out like trash, and men my age don't want me because they are hard wired to fancy younger women.

 

F***** excellent.

 

Gallon, i'm not desperate or brooding I would just like to have a chance at a family before it's too late. I did not deserve to be used the way I was by my ex and to be left at my age, meaning very little possibility of having children now. Remember, he did not marry me, I did not deserve to be used for 20 years by a committment phobic man to throw me away like I am worthless and to not even care that he may have taken away my chance to have children of my own and all because he wanted me, selfishlessly, so he used me and when it came time to marry me, when the FEAR kicked in, he threw me on the street.

 

Willow, you are absolutely right, YOU DID NOT DESERVE THIS! I'm glad you see that. Sooooooo? What now?

 

Put it in perspective Willow, he didn't dump you, he set you free! I know it doesn't seem like that right now, but heres a commitment phobic selfish user of a man, and now hes someone elses problem! Let him give that to the first thing that came along, you deserve better and in time you will find it.

 

As for looking Willow, it has been my experience that you find the people that will truly mean something to you when you aren't looking for them. The flip side of that is, that when you are looking, that brings out a lot of the wrong people. They are the ones that are looking too, but many times not for the same reasons. Trust me on this Willow, I tried the dating sites and went out looking and each one was either looking for a free drink, a free meal, or a cheap thrill. I've met a couple really nice ones too, and they have never been where i was expecting to find someone, or even looking for someone. Somehow that makes it easier, and those are the ones that will always stand out in my mind. Theres a reason most of the great love stories start in the unlikeliest of places! Heck me and my ex started off when I was in a car accident!!!!!

 

That was kind of what my post earlier was about. Your lunch by the river? It has a lot to do with what you take from the experience. You can focus that there are no single men there, or that you couldn't afford what you'd like to eat, or the fact that you were alone. Or you could enjoy what you had. Having lunch on a nice day in what I would imagine was a scenic spot. That part is up to you, but where your description made it sound like a miserable lunch, all I saw was a missed opportunity for a much needed break, a chance to just slow down and shy away from the stresses of home, work, school, dating, and the rest. If Gunny were here he would call that "rubbing some sunshine on your face" YOU NEED THAT!

 

TOJAZ

[2.50 a gallon]

Willow

 

Perhaps part of your problem is that you keep living in your past.

 

Instead begin to concentrate on the a great future awaiting you just over the horizon. Possibly as early as this summer.

 

You are a very attractive woman. But the problem is that no matter how attractive you are physically, you keep letting the dark days of yesterday cloud over all of your tomorrows. This can be a major turn off.

 

I can recall a date that I had on St. Patrick's day many years ago. It was our first date, we had met the previous week, she was Irish, (Strike 1, as the Ex was Irish), she was gorgeous and a great dancer.

 

It was a party atmosphere, but before our first mug of green beek had been served she began to tell me how badly her Ex had treated her. And it went down from there.

 

As it turned out we had a lot of common interests, and who knows where it might have led. But it died that night. Just listening to her, reminded me of things that had gone wrong between my Ex and I. Things that I had put aside and began to forget in my moving on in life.

 

Think about it, when you finally meet a new interesting guy, do you want to begin think about things that you can share in the future. Like walks along the beach, or finally having that special someone to hold when that special song is played.

 

Or do you want a guy whose total attention is on the past and the things that his evil wife did to him?

 

Which would you chose?

[willowthewisp]

Oh I see, so it's my fault I can't find a man now is it? It's all my fault because I must be walking around miserable and focusing on the past. I'm not stupid, of course I do not focus on the past, I don't even mention him, EVER.

 

The problem is Gallon, there are NO MEN! Why do people on this site find it so hard to understand? Is the US full of single men in their 30's or something? Where I am the place is full of teenage mums, unemployed and men who like to brawl in bars. Getting the picture? Unemployment and drug use here is one of the worst areas of the UK. We are in the top 5% of the country for families living below the poverty line.

 

Want to know what happens when I get chatting to a guy? I'm told I am too posh for them! Too educated. Personally, I don't judge people on what they do, the last guy I dated was a tradesman, unfortunately I am not afforded the same respect. Unless I am a single mother who has 3 screaming kids and little to no education, the guys round here aren't interested in me.

 

So what exactly am I supposed to do? You tell me I am creating my own misery, that I am turning men off. I am telling you I am not. I am trying, REALLY trying to move forward with my life but no matter what I do, no matter how much I try to enjoy myself and look forward, I never get anywhere. Why? Because there is no where to get. It's pointless, useless, hopeless. There simply aren't any guys my age. Then when I have tried and tried and tried to be positive and that is not rewarded, nothing changes, that is when I get to remembering how good I had it before, that is when I get upset and come on here and post, but to the outside world I present a happy front, pretend I am OK because quite simply, as here, what is the point of telling people how unhappy I am when there is nothing they can do?

 

No one can help me, because they can't magic up a future that does not exisit in reality. In fact, it is a waste of time me coming here to talk about it anymore because no one here can magic up a better future for me or even give me a pointer on where I am going wrong, because I am not doing anything wrong. Like I said to Tojaz, you're very lucky it worked for you, I am doing ALL the same things and nothing is improving for me.

 

It's never going to get better and I am so tired.....