Meeting Ex-Girlfriend for Lunch this Weekend. Needed

[Ollie76]

Hello Everyone,

 

So after a 4.5 years relationship my girlfriend dumped me over a small fight that triggered her emotions about our future. She said she doesn't see me taking this relationship in the direction she want us to.

 

There are still some unanswered question such as:

 

1. After 4.5 years, why couldn't we work things out? Why the panic?

 

2. What exactly brought her to make this drastic decision?

 

So, as you can tell, there still isn't any closure for me. I feel that this relationship can be repaired and I think she just panicked and jumped the gun. I want her back!

 

 

It's been 3 1/2 since the break up and we pretty much had NC (we exchanged texts once) throughout this time. So, I finally called her up yesterday and ask her out for lunch this weekend. She accepted and asked why? I replied that I need to know what happened to us after all these years. She thought it was a good idea to meet in person.

 

My question is, I want her back, what is the best way to approach this situation? Should I just be honest and tell her how I feel and attempt to sweep her off her feet? What should I do?

[Phateless]

Hello Everyone,

 

So after a 4.5 years relationship my girlfriend dumped me over a small fight that triggered her emotions about our future. She said she doesn't see me taking this relationship in the direction she want us to.

 

There are still some unanswered question such as:

 

1. After 4.5 years, why couldn't we work things out? Why the panic?

 

2. What exactly brought her to make this drastic decision?

 

So, as you can tell, there still isn't any closure for me. I feel that this relationship can be repaired and I think she just panicked and jumped the gun. I want her back!

 

 

It's been 3 1/2 since the break up and we pretty much had NC (we exchanged texts once) throughout this time. So, I finally called her up yesterday and ask her out for lunch this weekend. She accepted and asked why? I replied that I need to know what happened to us after all these years. She thought it was a good idea to meet in person.

 

My question is, I want her back, what is the best way to approach this situation? Should I just be honest and tell her how I feel and attempt to sweep her off her feet? What should I do?

 

Start by listening.

 

I would put money on the breakup being not JUST about the fight. I'm betting it was the excuse she was looking for and she wanted out anyway.

 

There isn't always a reason for people to break up, sometimes one person just drifts and wants out.

 

I'm sorry. I say you start by listening before you say anything. If you really want to hear her side of the story then you shouldn't say anything that will make her feel uncomfortable or guilty.

 

Keep your mouth shut until she's told you her experience. If you open by telling her your feelings she might lie about her reasons to try to protect you from more emotional pain.

[Ollie76]

Okay, I will definitely listen first. I think the break up was more of her listening to her just-out-of-a-relationship single friends telling her that I broke her heart and to move on. The reason being is that after the fight, we were both upset and full of pride that neither one of us contacted each other to apologize. It was 4 days from the night of the fight to the actual break up. So, I think that during those 4 days her "support group" told her all these negative things about our relationship and it was sign of things to come and to leave me ASAP.

 

So after I listen to her reasons, do I shower her with my true feelings and intentions? I really want her back in my life and I don't want to screw things up even more.

[Phateless]

Okay, I will definitely listen first. I think the break up was more of her listening to her just-out-of-a-relationship single friends telling her that I broke her heart and to move on. The reason being is that after the fight, we were both upset and full of pride that neither one of us contacted each other to apologize. It was 4 days from the night of the fight to the actual break up. So, I think that during those 4 days her "support group" told her all these negative things about our relationship and it was sign of things to come and to leave me ASAP.

 

That makes sense. See, you already have an idea of what happened. Make sure you're ready to hear something totally different. Not saying you're wrong, but just be ready in case what you hear is different than what you thought.

 

So after I listen to her reasons, do I shower her with my true feelings and intentions? I really want her back in my life and I don't want to screw things up even more.

 

Definitely don't dump all the past 3 years of your feelings on her, that will be way too much to handle. Answer questions, talk openly, but DO NOT GUSH! Go slow, bit by bit.

 

I would take this an opportunity to reconnect and hang out with her again. Move forward on positive momentum and build a new relationship with her, don't try to pick up where you left off.

 

The old relationship didn't work so let that go and if you love her build a new one. Make sense?

[Ollie76]

Wow, thanks for the great advice!

 

Do I need to tell her of my intentions of fixing this relationship during this lunch meet? I feel like telling her that she is the love for me, my best friend and all that stuff, then say that we should be able to work this out. We've had 4.5 years of history with no fights (if any they were minor and resolved ASAP) and I know it's more love than a comfort thing on my end.

 

One weird thing is that after the phone call I gave her yesterday she texted me hours later asking for iPhone troubleshooting advice. Weird!! After all the NC and she decides to text me this ish. Did I break the ice or something? I don't know what to think of this. She also told me that it's been a daily struggle for her to stop herself from contacting/texting me this whole time.

 

 

I think she may come with some "rehearsed" dialog for this meeting. Her "support group" is probably coaching her as I type this.

Edited February 25, 2011 by Ollie76

[Phateless]

Wow, thanks for the great advice!

 

I'm glad I can help.

 

Do I need to tell her of my intentions of fixing this relationship during this lunch meet? I feel like telling her that she is the love for me, my best friend and all that stuff, then say that we should be able to work this out. We've had 4.5 years of history with no fights (if any they were minor and resolved ASAP) and I know it's more love than a comfort thing on my end.

 

I would feel it out first. See where she's going before you jump right into that. Like I said, maybe hang out with hew a few times before mentioning it? Again, just feel it out, trust your instincts and DON'T BE IMPATIENT! If it feels right and you're both talking about stuff you can say what's in your heart, but be careful not to dump too much on her at once, especially at the first meet.

 

One weird thing is that after the phone call I gave her yesterday she texted me hours later asking for iPhone troubleshooting advice. Weird!! After all the NC and she decides to text me this ish. Did I break the ice or something? I don't know what to think of this. She also told me that it's been a daily struggle for her to stop herself from contacting/texting me this whole time.

 

Don't be too tempted to overanalyze every little thing, you'll drive yourself insane. Ask me how I know.

 

Maybe you broke the ice, maybe it's a friendly thing, maybe she wanted any excuse to contact you. If she opened with iPhone troubleshooting and transitioned into telling you she's been wanting to contact you forever, I'd say the iPhone was most likely just an excuse to talk to you.

 

Keep in mind that wanting to contact you all that time could be AS A FRIEND, or it could be she wants to get back with you. You don't know yet which is why it's important to let her talk before you dump 3 years of pent-up feelings on her.

 

I think she may come with some "rehearsed" dialog for this meeting. Her "support group" is probably coaching her as I type this.

 

That would be a good thing. I think you'll be glad you're giving her the chance to say her piece before you say yours.

[Ollie76]

Cool, I'm going to follow this advice precisely and hope for the best. I will defintely report the outcome on here.

 

If anyone else wants to add on/give pointers please feel free.

 

Thanks Phateless!

[Ms. Joolie]

The old relationship didn't work so let that go and if you love her build a new one.

 

Please understand, Ollie, that her new one involves marriage and kids. Are you ready to open that discussion, show her how serious you are about her this time, talk about plans?

[Ollie76]

Yeah, I understand that and I'm totally open to that discussion BUT that's only if she takes me back.

[Phateless]

Cool, I'm going to follow this advice precisely and hope for the best. I will defintely report the outcome on here.

 

If anyone else wants to add on/give pointers please feel free.

 

Thanks Phateless!

 

You're welcome, enjoy your lunch with her!

[Ollie76]

So, I had lunch with my ex today. I think we had a good time. I was upbeat, smiled a lot, etc. First of all, I listened to what she had to say, her reasons for the break up, etc. I let her talk and didn't interrupt her at all. These were her reasons:

 

1) After 4.5 years our relationship was not in the same stage she has envisioned it. Also, I never spoke about our future. She said it seemed I was taking this relationship day by day.

 

2) I was always her crutch. I helped her out through all of her challenges and she felt a lack of independence. She wants to know for herself that she can do things on her own. She's 26, and during the month we were apart she finally moved out of her parents house and got an apartment. BIG step for her. (I'm sad that I wasn't a part of this.)

 

That was basically it. There's no 3rd person involved although she mentioned one of her friends introduced her to some guy who she's been texting but she said it seemed more like a friend thing. I don't know, maybe this is a possible rebound for her? Who knows? She told me about her rough nights where she would cry herself to sleep and said there were many. All in all, she's happy about the apartment and felt that was a big accomplishment for her.

 

Now, after I listened to all of this without interrupting, I told her how I felt.

I was completely honest and told her that I loved her and that she is my best friend, etc. and hoped we can work through this. I didn't sound desperate, needy, nor did I beg for her back. I just put it out there. I made it a point to not expect her to give me an answer nor did I ask for one. BUT, she did say she wasn't ready for any type of reconciliation since she's still "trying to figure things out" and I'm okay with this. She also said that it was unfair for her to "keep me on ice".

 

So, I've decided to let her go. As bad as I would like her come back, I feel this is the best thing to do. She mentioned we would speak again but I'm not going to hold my breath. I'm going NC and moving on. What the future holds for her and I, I don't know. Again, I want her back so bad but I got to to do what I got to do.

 

I just want to thank you guys again for all of your help.

[Phateless]

So, I had lunch with my ex today. I think we had a good time. I was upbeat, smiled a lot, etc. First of all, I listened to what she had to say, her reasons for the break up, etc. I let her talk and didn't interrupt her at all. These were her reasons:

 

1) After 4.5 years our relationship was not in the same stage she has envisioned it. Also, I never spoke about our future. She said it seemed I was taking this relationship day by day.

 

2) I was always her crutch. I helped her out through all of her challenges and she felt a lack of independence. She wants to know for herself that she can do things on her own. She's 26, and during the month we were apart she finally moved out of her parents house and got an apartment. BIG step for her. (I'm sad that I wasn't a part of this.)

 

That was basically it. There's no 3rd person involved although she mentioned one of her friends introduced her to some guy who she's been texting but she said it seemed more like a friend thing. I don't know, maybe this is a possible rebound for her? Who knows? She told me about her rough nights where she would cry herself to sleep and said there were many. All in all, she's happy about the apartment and felt that was a big accomplishment for her.

 

Now, after I listened to all of this without interrupting, I told her how I felt.

I was completely honest and told her that I loved her and that she is my best friend, etc. and hoped we can work through this. I didn't sound desperate, needy, nor did I beg for her back. I just put it out there. I made it a point to not expect her to give me an answer nor did I ask for one. BUT, she did say she wasn't ready for any type of reconciliation since she's still "trying to figure things out" and I'm okay with this. She also said that it was unfair for her to "keep me on ice".

 

So, I've decided to let her go. As bad as I would like her come back, I feel this is the best thing to do. She mentioned we would speak again but I'm not going to hold my breath. I'm going NC and moving on. What the future holds for her and I, I don't know. Again, I want her back so bad but I got to to do what I got to do.

 

I just want to thank you guys again for all of your help.

 

Wow, sounds like it went pretty well overall. A couple of notes.

 

Instead of wishing you could have been a part of her moving out, you should have beamed and said "I'm so proud of you!" She specifically mentioned ending your relationship so she could become more independent. Telling her you wanted to be part of a big personal accomplishment kinda makes it sound like you don't get that. Make sense?

 

Her moving out without you marks a major step towards finding the independence she was lacking when she was with you, so that could be a good step toward getting back with you? See? She wants to feel like you can let her be as independent as she needs to be.

 

Telling her you love her and she's your best friend was a good move, but telling her you want to work through this was a little too soon. This was the first meeting in several years so that's a lot of pressure. If you hang out with her a few times it might build towards you guys beginning to date again, but trying to pick up where you left off is too much pressure.

 

If you want her back, give her some space for a couple of weeks and then just hang out with her as friends and don't mention anything. Just move forward and build the flirtatious energy and connection until you find yourself dating again. Make her feel like she wants to be with you rather than trying to "get her back."

 

Make sense? Hang out with her until you end up together. Don't try to convince her to come back with words.

[BelieveInUs]

Hey Ollie76:

 

If you want your ex girlfriend back so badly, why don't you buy her some flowers, candies, and a diamond ring. Feel free to be her b***h anytime. Okay.

 

Sincerely,

 

 

 

BelieveInUs

 

One of the Man

[Ollie76]

Instead of wishing you could have been a part of her moving out, you should have beamed and said "I'm so proud of you!" She specifically mentioned ending your relationship so she could become more independent. Telling her you wanted to be part of a big personal accomplishment kinda makes it sound like you don't get that. Make sense?

 

 

 

"I'm so proud" is exactly what I said. I kept the -me being upset for not being a part of it to myself. LOL

 

This was the first meeting in several years so that's a lot of pressure.

 

It's actually a month after the break up. We've been together for 4 1/2 years. So, right after our break up she moved into her new apt.

 

If you want her back, give her some space for a couple of weeks and then just hang out with her as friends and don't mention anything. Just move forward and build the flirtatious energy and connection until you find yourself dating again. Make her feel like she wants to be with you rather than trying to "get her back."

 

What would you suggest the next meeting be? Dinner, movie?? What's appropriate?

 

What about texting? She actually sent me a text late last night saying

 

"it was nice seeing today. Maybe when I get my furniture you can come by and see my new place."

 

I didn't reply until this afternoon.

[Phateless]

"I'm so proud" is exactly what I said. I kept the -me being upset for not being a part of it to myself. LOL

 

 

 

It's actually a month after the break up. We've been together for 4 1/2 years. So, right after our break up she moved into her new apt.

 

 

What would you suggest the next meeting be? Dinner, movie?? What's appropriate?

 

What about texting? She actually sent me a text late last night saying

 

"it was nice seeing today. Maybe when I get my furniture you can come by and see my new place."

 

I didn't reply until this afternoon.

 

I meant the other day was the first meeting after your breakup.

 

I think you're fine. Just hang out with her and try not to over-analyze. The main thing to keep in mind right now is DO NOT RUSH HER.

 

Otherwise just relax and be you. You guys have history so the natural chemistry will kick in and do its thing.

[Ollie76]

Well, now I hear from a reliable source that she IS texting/communicating EVERYDAY with a new guy. From what I was told, he is totally not her type but who knows?

 

Wow! After 4+ strong years and now this! How can she be thinking of dating so quickly? I've actually been asked by some girl to go out on a date and I went, but I did not feel it, my heart is not in it yet and I don't want to date right now. This is SO not like me. In the past break ups, I walked away and immediately began dating but then again, these were short term relationships.

 

Supposedly this guy she just met is on some "friend" terms so far but we know how men are. We just want to get the panties droppin'.

 

I wonder how this will turn out.

[Phateless]

So it's been 3 1/2 WEEKS since the breakup? Your original post made it sound like it had been 3 1/2 YEARS since the breakup. Might want to edit that.

[Ollie76]

Oops! It was 3 1/2 WEEKS at the time of that post.

 

Ok.....It's been total NC for 8 days and she texts me 2 days in a row. I want to handle this the best way possible. I have not responded yet but this is what she said:

 

(yesterday)

 

HER - "So I heard there is some exciting news going on with you? What's going on?"

 

ME - (no reply, total NC)

 

HER - (half hour later) "Forget it!"

 

 

(today)

 

HER - "If you don't want to talk to me you should just say it. I would never ignore you."

 

ME - (no reply....yet. Should I?)

 

 

Again, I would love for us to be back together but I don't want risk being let down and start NC all over again. I feel like it's a total gamble if I choose to reply or not.

 

Any suggestions?

[heartshaped]

Tell her that it isn't that you don't want to talk to her, but that you feel it's best that the two of you have NC at this point in time because you are still in love with her and want to be with her, but if she doesn't feel the same you need time to move on with your life.

[Phateless]

Oops! It was 3 1/2 WEEKS at the time of that post.

 

Ok.....It's been total NC for 8 days and she texts me 2 days in a row. I want to handle this the best way possible. I have not responded yet but this is what she said:

 

(yesterday)

 

HER - "So I heard there is some exciting news going on with you? What's going on?"

 

ME - (no reply, total NC)

 

HER - (half hour later) "Forget it!"

 

 

(today)

 

HER - "If you don't want to talk to me you should just say it. I would never ignore you."

 

ME - (no reply....yet. Should I?)

 

 

Again, I would love for us to be back together but I don't want risk being let down and start NC all over again. I feel like it's a total gamble if I choose to reply or not.

 

Any suggestions?

 

You have a couple of choices here.

 

1. Go complete NC and try to forget her and move on with your life.

2. Pull back but don't ignore her and try to get her back.

 

If you want to do number 2 you need to somewhat keep in touch with her, but be too busy for her when she tries to contact you. You are NOT ignoring her and you are NOT avoiding her. You are simply busy with other things because she is no longer the highest priority in your life.

 

The goal is for her to miss you and start to chase you again. Basically you want to follow the advice in THIS thread where the guy successfully got the girl who had already rejected him. Treat it as a LJBF. (Let's Just Be Friends)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210965

 

In the beginning of this thread dude was convinced he was dead in the water. Me and a couple other people coaxed and convinced him to back off for a bit and then approach the situation differently. Now they're together.

 

It's a long read but it might help you.

 

For now reply to her and say "Hey! Sorry I missed you, I've been running around and busy with (insert fun thing here. I'm usually swing/salsa dancing, at school, on the motorcycle, etc.). What have you been up to?"

Edited March 9, 2011 by Phateless

[Ollie76]

Okay, so I just replied to her a couple of minutes ago. I replied to her text saying something similar as you advised. I haven't heard back yet.

 

I read the thread you posted and - WOW! that was some slick advice.

 

Hopefully, my situation will have a similar outcome. I was actually going to do full NC until she actually says that she want to work things out. But, I'm going to give your advice a shot. It's a gamble but you need to play to win. Right?

[Ollie76]

She replied. She understood that she was "no longer top priority". Apparently, she wants me to give her all of our pictures together from my hard drive. WTF??

[Bluebelle38]

FFS! talk about acting like a right little madam.

 

Send her the pics.

 

She is just trying to hurt you because you didn't respond in the time frame that she deemed reasonable. She needs to grow up.

[Ollie76]

Yeah, I'm going to give her the pics but she knows there are literally thousands of photos (4 years worth - our vacations, etc) so she is well aware that she needs to bring her laptop/hard drive to my place if she wants to do this.

 

We'll see how this plays out.

[Phateless]

Okay, so I just replied to her a couple of minutes ago. I replied to her text saying something similar as you advised. I haven't heard back yet.

 

I read the thread you posted and - WOW! that was some slick advice.

 

Hopefully, my situation will have a similar outcome. I was actually going to do full NC until she actually says that she want to work things out. But, I'm going to give your advice a shot. It's a gamble but you need to play to win. Right?

 

Did she already say that she wants to work on things? Or are you saying that your goal to stay NC was until she might say that?

 

Remember the advice in that thread is NOT to play games. It's to guide your own behavior to make yourself top priority. This helps you heal, but also helps her realize what you have to offer as a convenient side-effect.

 

IMO there really is no gamble. You're not together now so you might as well take one last shot.

 

Read that entire thread. I know it's long, but it's inspiring.