Ms. Joolie Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 (edited) How long were you guys apart? What did he do to get you back? Well I would say we were apart for 8 weeks and have just officially gotten back together again this week. However, we were never out of touch, and never went 10 days without being intimate again. (By that I don't mean sex.) He won me back because he really did love me and he was fighting for me. His emails, his phone calls, his conversations with friends were all about how much he loved me, didn’t want to lose me, was ready to marry me, etc. He acknowledged who he had been in the past (a little too uncaring about our future, and not intentional) and said it was a mistake. It was kind of amazing, but I do understand that guys sometimes have those moments. He clearly saw for himself that he loved me and didn't want to lose me and he communicated that to me. He clearly saw that he wanted me in his future, with his name, as his wife, and he communicated that to me. It was a clear choice to him and I listened and accepted. We are planning a trip and he says we will be engaged by then. He's very determined about his choice. So for me, as the chick, I just understand that if THAT isn't you... if it's not CLEAR to you that you want her and are determined to get her... then just let it go and be okay with it. I would have never tried to force my BF into where he's at now, I knew if it wasn't there, it wasn't there. It's really something that you will have to come around to or just move on. Your ex wants the big picture - the marriage, the kids, etc. If that's not you then move on. I wish you the best! Edited March 18, 2011 by Ms. Joolie Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Also, should I send her a message about why I unfriended her? No, she won't care. That's not really what she wants to hear from you. If you love her, you tell her. If you want her, you tell her. She may or may not listen. She may or may not accept. But she's not interested in your breakup reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie76 Posted March 18, 2011 Author Share Posted March 18, 2011 Your ex wants the big picture - the marriage, the kids, etc. But we have spoke about this. I did tell her that I saw a future in us, the whole nine yards. It's seems like your BF was persistent. Did this annoy you at all? Some people say that his behavior will push the ex GF further away. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 But we have spoke about this. I did tell her that I saw a future in us, the whole nine yards. It's seems like your BF was persistent. Did this annoy you at all? Some people say that his behavior will push the ex GF further away. You have to be honest with your feelings about her and your relationship intentions at this point, if you choose. If not you may have regrets. I listened to my boyfriend. That counted a whole bunch of points for him. Again, she may or may not listen to you, but I wouldn't leave any loose ends. Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Ms Joolie, Your story If I remember correctly is different to Ollie's one. I am all for expressing your feelings to the person, but he has done that already and at the moment she is boxing him into a position where she wants him there while she faffs around with her life. I am pleased it has worked out for you. Ollie, removing her as a friend will make you feel poo, anything regarding this situation will feel rubbish because you are in a state of limbo. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Ms Joolie, Your story If I remember correctly is different to Ollie's one. I am all for expressing your feelings to the person, but he has done that already and at the moment she is boxing him into a position where she wants him there while she faffs around with her life. I am pleased it has worked out for you. You are right. I understand now that Ollie has already expressed himself to her and she has not been encouraging. I'm thinking she either is no longer listening, no longer accepting, or Ollie has not fully expressed himself. Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Yeah I think it is always fair to fully express yourself, but at the same time there has to be a line otherwise you're grinding yourself further and further into a no hope pit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie76 Posted March 18, 2011 Author Share Posted March 18, 2011 Your story If I remember correctly is different to Ollie's one. I am all for expressing your feelings to the person, but he has done that already and at the moment she is boxing him into a position where she wants him there while she faffs around with her life. I am pleased it has worked out for you. Ollie, removing her as a friend will make you feel poo, anything regarding this situation will feel rubbish because you are in a state of limbo Yeah, I did say all those things to her in our last meet. Also, I probably would have kept being persistent but I know there is another guy involved. She says it's on "friends" terms. She met this guy a couple days after our break up and has been texting (hanging out maybe?) and I really don't want to be the sucker ex BF following her around like a puppy. I don't know. She is the type that likes to be chased. She watches too much romantic comedies! Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 To me, you've done it all and as long as she knows you are still an option, then she will keep you there at her beck and call. You have to shock her by pulling away, it will hurt like hell and will require big inner strength. BUT at some point you have to put you, your mental and physical health first and dragging the limbo on and on will make you ill. You only have to read some of the repeaters on here to see what state it can leave you in!! Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Also someone who responds only to serious wooing shows signs of dumping you again the minute 'real life' sets back in and that again in the long run will destroy your esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Yeah I think it is always fair to fully express yourself, but at the same time there has to be a line otherwise you're grinding yourself further and further into a no hope pit. My primary stand is always in looking at what is going to make the relationship work, what is going to win the woman. That is almost always where I come from in these kinds of threads. Of course at some point you have to realize when something is not working. It's more powerful for the OP to come to distinguish that for himself. Ollie, when you are ready to quit, be sure you communicate that to her. Then give up and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 I'm totally with you, we are reading off the same page generally, but I always come from the angle of both sides. Yes it is up to the pursuer to know when they're done, but on the other hand you can't think clearly when in the grip of overwhelming emotion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie76 Posted March 19, 2011 Author Share Posted March 19, 2011 Ollie, when you are ready to quit, be sure you communicate that to her. Then give up and move on. To be honest, I dont think I'm ready to quit yet. 4.5 years of a relationship is alot to just walk away from. A couple of weeks ago I was an emotional wreck and wasn't thinking straight. Now, I pretty much got my sh*t together and my head on straight. I'm at the point where I feel that where ever our relationship goes, I'll be okay with it. However, I'm leaning more towards reconciliation and the next steps I make have to be strategic. I feel I will have only one shot at getting her back. Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 Originally I told you to bombard her with flowers and stuff, but you haven't done that have you? If I were you I would devise a plan for the next couple of weeks, give it your best shot but THEN go the opposite and withdraw completely - at least then you'll know you tried both extremes. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 The 180 is the only chance you have buddy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie76 Posted March 19, 2011 Author Share Posted March 19, 2011 The 180 is the only chance you have buddy. Meaning what? Go to the extreme by continuously expressing my feeling to her then pull away? Originally I told you to bombard her with flowers and stuff, but you haven't done that have you? If I were you I would devise a plan for the next couple of weeks, give it your best shot but THEN go the opposite and withdraw completely - at least then you'll know you tried both extremes. I did, but only once on VDay. Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 It doesn't have to be anything expensive but you should for a full week send her a thoughful gift or flowers every day - i witnessed this with a girl at work and in the end it broke her down. But then if she is still not interested you'll know and yes turn the other way and see if she comes after you. But you have to truly be realising it may be done and over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie76 Posted March 20, 2011 Author Share Posted March 20, 2011 Wow! I guess un-friending on FB really made an impact on her. As soon as she took notice she called me. She started blowing up my phone and I ignored her first five calls but answered it on the 6th. I could tell she was crying during our conversation but anyhow, there were some more revelations. The real reason for the B/U was because i did not bring her close to my family and because of that fact, she felt that I did not love her enough. She thought that I was embarrassed or that she wasn't good enough to bring her around my family. I have to admit, I didn't bring her around too often but that's only because I DID NOT HANG OUT with my family too often. LOL. She did hint at that she may want to get back together. She said something like "the hurt needs to go away" then "take baby steps back into our relationship". But who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie76 Posted March 20, 2011 Author Share Posted March 20, 2011 Okay, so a lot has happened during the late night/early morning hours. Basically, she was blowing up my phone while I was at a bar with some friends. I did not answer none of her calls so she left me a voice mail. I listened to the voice mail but I could not understand a word she was saying because she was crying BIG TIME. All I could understand was "I know you don't love anymore but" then the sobbing started. She kept calling and I finally picked up. She is hurting! We spoke a little, just enough for me to know she wasn't in any danger then I said goodbye and hung up. She called me again, I picked up, we spoke for a bit and I can tell she's having regrets. She's definitely confused. She is now feeling the effects of the break up and me not in her life. Now, she wants me to come visit her new apartment TONIGHT! Any advice on how to handle this situation while avoiding the friend-zone? Link to post Share on other sites
Thatguyintx Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Any advice on how to handle this situation while avoiding the friend-zone? I think you need to define very clearly what you are looking for from her. And then stick to your guns if she can't deliver it. Hoping for the best for you! (Nice to hear some good news!) Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Ollie, you have her just where you want her and you are back in charge now. Tell her you get back together and make a go of things, or you split up, no half hearted s h i t - she either loves you or doesn't and has had time to figure that out by now. GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND. X Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie76 Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 The key to all of this Ollie is to do the opposite to what you feel like doing, so now you have to defriend her completely and start pulling away from her. Nothing will make her want you more. I think this is what did it. The unfriending oddly made her flip the switch. Thanks Depplover! i have to hand it to you, you really know your sh*t. I'll post an update tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I think this is what did it. The unfriending oddly made her flip the switch. Thanks Depplover! i have to hand it to you, you really know your sh*t. I'll post an update tomorrow. Yeah I know my sh*t Ollie because I have been many types of woman, done all the classic 'female' behaviours before I sorted my life out. I have a lot of respect for men aswell as women so don't mind giving the inside scoop. Just BE COOL to her, no wrong moves during this crucial time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie76 Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 So, I accepted her invite and paid her a little visit. We watched a movie, had pizza and had a pretty good conversation. I told her what I wanted from her (no friend zone) and stood firm. Weird things did happen however. Haha... 1) She said that she is pretty much soul searching. She wants to figure out what exactly she wants. (?) 2) She somehow knows I've been dating and asked me if I slept with the new girl yet. I wouldn't answer and she began to tear up. I hugged her and asked her to stop crying, she did. 3) She says she still loves me (yes, in that way and not in a friend way) but is still confused whether she still wants to be with me. 4) We began kissing somehow (?) but she stopped after a while because she said it might lead to sex and she wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. This whole thing is getting confusing for me! I don't know what to do now. She text me this morning telling me I left my sweater which means I have to go pick it up soon. Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Yourmade a wrong move by accepting the invitation and walking straight back towards her. I am not telling you any of this for a laugh Ollie, I am telling you because my gut screams that pulling away from her will be just what she needs to 'decide'. Take a leap of faith because doing it the current way is getting you nowhere. Link to post Share on other sites
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