Meeting Ex-Girlfriend for Lunch this Weekend. Needed

[Ms. Joolie]

The real reason for the B/U was because i did not bring her close to my family and because of that fact, she felt that I did not love her enough. She thought that I was embarrassed or that she wasn't good enough to bring her around my family. I have to admit, I didn't bring her around too often but that's only because I DID NOT HANG OUT with my family too often. LOL.

 

Awww... I'm guessing she really beat herself up about it. Thoughts about you being embarrassed about her, or she wasn't good enough can really get the better hand.

 

Nice to see she's giving in. If you still want to be with her, be very accepting and loving with her. Give her the reassurance she needs and she won't be confused anymore.

 

If you love her, be sure to express that love to her. Don't stifle yourself and play games with her. Be honest in your communication about your feelings and what you want now. That is the only way she can make her best choice.

[Ollie76]

Yourmade a wrong move by accepting the invitation and walking straight back towards her.

 

You are ABSOLUTELY right! I guess her crying and repeated invites got the best of me.

 

 

If you love her, be sure to express that love to her. Don't stifle yourself and play games with her. Be honest in your communication about your feelings and what you want now. That is the only way she can make her best choice.

 

She said she wanted to call me later today to talk about something (not sure what about) but if the mood is right will tell her.

 

 

Do any of you know the reasoning about why she asked about my dating? I thought that was odd.

[lemonlegs]

You are ABSOLUTELY right! I guess her crying and repeated invites got the best of me.

 

 

 

 

She said she wanted to call me later today to talk about something (not sure what about) but if the mood is right will tell her.

 

 

Do any of you know the reasoning about why she asked about my dating? I thought that was odd.

 

I know that you're probably wanting a response for Depplover or Joolie, as they seem to be your mentor through all of this. Lol!

 

She obviously was curious because the thought of you with another girl turns her stomach. That's natural of course. Especially when she asked about the sex. It shows she still cares deeply for you.

[lemonlegs]

Also, Ollie, about your girlfriend being concerned about you not bringing her around your family:

 

Most girls would be hurt by this. In fact, anybody in a serious relationship would be. My ex boyfriend NEVER brought me around. In the time we dated, I never had a solid conversation with either of his parents, meanwhile my parents LOVED him (because he was a manipulator). He NEVER invited me over for dinners, even when his older siblings and their girlfriends/boyfriends came. It never occurred to me until after I found out that he was cheating how big of an insult that was to me. I also see the contrast now with my new boyfriend and his family. His parents are AWESOME, they always invite me out for dinner for birthday's, etc. I usually have dinner with them every Sunday. My parents don't go OUT to eat much, but the offers reciprocated frequently from my family as well.

 

Not to say that you did it purposefully, but all's I'm saying that is if she felt that you just didn't feel it necessary, I can very well understand why she'd be very upset about it.

 

Just reiterate that you don't spend much time with your family and that you would love nothing more than for her to become close with them and be apart of it.

[Ollie76]

Honestly, I did not do it purposely and now that I think about, that's a big screw up on my part. I'm going to go all out, guns blazing in expressing myself to her. I'm not going to beg, I'm just going to tell her how I honestly feel and want.

[lemonlegs]

That's what you need to do. There's nothing unattractive about being completely honest with someone about how you feel and what you want, romantically speaking.

 

By the sounds of what's happened as of recent, I think you have a good shot. As for her telling your mutual friend that she was 'happy' and it was the 'best decision she ever made', I think that was a facade. Of course everyone wants to assure themselves and those around them that hurting someone else was justified and made everything better. Clearly not the case here. If it was, she would not contact you at all, and she would not leave you voicemails of her crying.

 

She obviously believed something, and now that you're going out of your way to prove how much you love her, maybe she realizes that she was mistaken about your intentions and feelings.

[Ms. Joolie]

Do any of you know the reasoning about why she asked about my dating? I thought that was odd.

 

She's curious and wants to know. That's pretty human.

 

But I'm also going to guess that she was looking to see if you slept with someone aka had those feelings for someone else. She really assumed the worse with what she heard and started crying. She does strike me as someone who's rather hard on herself.

 

Women are so emotional and so receptive aka reactive. You have to be responsible for what you say and how we hear things, but especially with women I think. If you were dating someone you can tell her it was obviously because she broke things off. It had nothing to do with how your feelings for her changed. Or however you want to put that. The thing is she wants those feelings to be for her.

 

It shouldn't be a big deal unless you did have sex with someone. Then you won't be able to hide it.

[Chi townD]

okay, wires got crossed big time here with the NC. I suggest that you let her know right now. Do or die. You are in it for the long haul, you will be comitted 100% to the relationship. You will do whatever it takes to make it work. If she states that she can't do the same then start a dark NC. You need to re-establish the boundries.

[depplover_1980]

Hi Ollie,

 

I believe in the theory, that yes, you need to tell her how you feel. However I believe you have already expressed yourself to her in a precise and intimate manner. If you continue to bow to her every emotional whim, she will continue to manipulate (not necessarily intentionally) this to her advantage - she needs to get a grip for herself as well as the relationship.

 

Let's look at a fact. She was NOT interested and was playing you like a violin until you defriended her, therefore the reverse tactic has proved to be a success over the previous efforts to get closer which were unsuccessful and pushed her further to 'I don't know what I want' AKA 'no mans land'!!

 

My instinct tells me that if you keep holding her hand and telling her it will 'all be ok' you are not only pondering to her, you are telling her that this level of uncertainty is acceptable. I predict that if you got back together on this basis, she would be dumping you again in 6-8 week still 'not sure' and why? Because she was never given the space to 'realise' what she wanted in the first place.

 

So I would with finality communicate to her in the written format (so you can remain concise and without that awful blubbing), that you love her but you deserve to be fully appreciated and outline any mistakes you may have made and be willing to work on and express any of your own concerns (now would be the time). Tell her that you cannot and will not remain just friends, as it is detrimental to you as an individual and then you absolutely have to go into NC until you hear exactly what you want to hear from her.

[Ollie76]

 

So I would with finality communicate to her in the written format (so you can remain concise and without that awful blubbing), that you love her but you deserve to be fully appreciated and outline any mistakes you may have made and be willing to work on and express any of your own concerns (now would be the time). Tell her that you cannot and will not remain just friends, as it is detrimental to you as an individual and then you absolutely have to go into NC until you hear exactly what you want to hear from her.

 

This is exactly what I did except it was over the phone when she called me about a half hour ago.

 

But before I spoke, she had something to say. She said some deep stuff which came out of nowhere. She said that she needed to learn to love herself and that she really needed to find out if she can be on her own, hence the new apartment (she was living with her parents), without anyone she can use as a crutch. She said it is basically a challenge that she deeply feels she needs to do, a mental challenge also.

 

She also said she still loved me and still has very strong feelings for me.

 

After she was done, I went all out with expressing my feelings and needs. There was no begging and I made sure I sounded sincere. I told her about the NC and that the only way I would respond to her contact would be if she wanted to talk about reconciliation if I was still available. She was really stunned, I guess reality hit her when I said this because she could tell I was dead serious.

 

So, has anybody experienced these so called "challenges" she spoke of? I'm curious as to how one can all of sudden want to test themselves. Also, I really don't understand the whole "I need to learn to love myself" attitude. Can someone clear the smoke for me?

[depplover_1980]

Yes Ollie, it is a very common thing for people in long term relationships to crave. The person feels suffocated, thinks the grass is greener etc - I believe your ex but I think she is leaving some bits out to not hurt you, she may have plans to try other guys and to see if she's still 'got it'.

 

I am very pleased with what you have just done. I honestly predict if you stick to your guns, get through this tough time of NC with willpower that she will be back. If she is asking for space and you truly love her, then it is what you must give to her. There is no other way around it now, the cards have been laid.

[Ollie76]

I believe your ex but I think she is leaving some bits out to not hurt you, she may have plans to try other guys and to see if she's still 'got it'.

 

Well, she said she doesn't want to date at the moment. It's all about finding herself, but you may be right.

 

I honestly predict if you stick to your guns, get through this tough time of NC with willpower that she will be back.

 

Time will tell. As of right now, I've killed all hope of us, even for the future. She thinks otherwise, because she insists that she will contact me in the future (friends maybe? who knows?).

[Ms. Joolie]

So, has anybody experienced these so called "challenges" she spoke of? I'm curious as to how one can all of sudden want to test themselves. Also, I really don't understand the whole "I need to learn to love myself" attitude. Can someone clear the smoke for me?

 

There's a whole world behind that for a young woman. She is really on that journey at this time in her life, and she was very brave and honest in admitting something so personal to you.

 

What she doesn't get yet is that you can actually be on that journey with her.

[depplover_1980]

ARGH I just wrote a reply and got timed out.

 

Anyway I was saying something along the lines of you can't really trust too much of what she is saying right now, as she has clearly changed to the person you thought you knew well. I concur with what Ms Joolie said about her not realising you can be in on the ride : people evolve and the relationships that survive coincidely evolve too. BUT she has to realise this of her own free will and choice.

 

Take things as over from your personal standpoint however, as you cannot be left in limbo. Take time out for yourself, to discover who Ollie is and what he wants/needs out of life. Stay busy and surrounded by the positive people that you have in your life.

[Ollie76]

I believe your ex but I think she is leaving some bits out to not hurt you, she may have plans to try other guys and to see if she's still 'got it'.

 

I agree, but it's too bad that we have to go through this. Her biggest fear is being alone and she said that she wanted to conquer that fear. She wants to feel that she can DO things totally on her own without any support. So, dumping me is a start, I guess.

 

Anyway I was saying something along the lines of you can't really trust too much of what she is saying right now, as she has clearly changed to the person you thought you knew well. I concur with what Ms Joolie said about her not realising you can be in on the ride : people evolve and the relationships that survive coincidely evolve too. BUT she has to realise this of her own free will and choice.

 

Take things as over from your personal standpoint however, as you cannot be left in limbo. Take time out for yourself, to discover who Ollie is and what he wants/needs out of life. Stay busy and surrounded by the positive people that you have in your life. Today 3:45 PM

 

Yeah, I guess I need to hit the dating scene for a while (which is crazy here in LA). It's rare to find a good woman here because I'm sure you've heard stories about LA women. My ex was a rare find as far as her personal qualities, with the exception of her recent issues. During our relationship she was everything a man could ask for which is why I find it hard to let go.

[depplover_1980]

I would just give yourself a couple of weeks to accept it all at this stage, it is over - rushing into dating is not the answer. Take time out with yourself and seek out friends you've not hung with in a while.

 

Dating now will only mean you draw comparisons to her all the time, though some casual sex might not do you any harm. Sometimes physical pleasure is a much needed distraction.

[Ollie76]

Depplover, I think you're right. My heart is not in it to date yet.

 

UPDATE:

 

My ex just contacted via text me letting me know that she found a whole bunch of my stuff (legal documents, clothes, passport, etc.) while unpacking and wants me to go pick them up.

 

Soon after that, her assistant called me asking what I did to her because my ex is a mess at work. Crying in her office, slacking off, etc. Now, she is well aware of our situation but just assumes I had said something to her this morning because she knew she had contacted me.

 

I have not responded yet but will, because I need my stuff especially the passport. So, this friggin' means I habe to see her again. I guess I'll be okay with it since I don't feel too bad about all of this.

[JasonRules]

Ollie,

My situation is somewhat similar to yours. My girlfriend and I started out great, then at 7 months she started getting distant, confused, telling me she had emotional baggage etc. There were some misunderstandings as well. She broke things off in January and even though I was fighting for the relationship during the break-up I maintained strict NC for 2 weeks and she eventually contacted me back. We went out on a date that lasted 5 hours and again for V-Day which was nice. I thought things were moving along the right direction, but I went on holiday with my buddies which I had planned when we were broken up and she also went on holiday to see some friends. During the holiday she became distant again and was saying some of the same things your ex is saying.

 

Mind you this "in limbo" situation was going on since December, but a few weeks ago I reached my limit because I was tired of the hot/cold and ups and downs. I just wanted this torment to be over, so when I arrived from holiday I wrote her a hand-written letter the very next day and dropped it off. In it, I wrote about our relationship, the ups and downs, the feelings, misunderstandings, what I want in life, and what I feel for her. And then went NC.

 

She came back to my place about 2 weeks ago because I was bed ridden and brought me some medication and soup, but that was the last time I saw or spoke to her. I have gone into strict NC since then and I do not plan on contacting her at all. Her birthday is next week and I will not contact her to wish her a happy birthday.

 

You have to make them realize that you are serious and that you will not accept the unacceptable. I lay down my terms and left. There is nothing else we can do. I have begun dating again as well and let me tell you. It feels great to be wanted and have women tell you that you are handsome, good looking, a great catch etc etc.

 

Why waste your time begging, pleading, and crying for someone to "wake up" and "see" your worth? Some people will never be able to see it ever. So just let her go. If she ever comes back and you still have feelings for her, then great. If not, I'm sure you've learned a valuable lesson from all of this.

[Ollie76]

Yeah man, I totally understand what your saying about having to let her go. But, it's hard for both of us because we've been together for almost 5 years. It's easier for me I guess because I have a much stronger mentality than her. She dumped me and is an EMOTIONAL WRECK! It's like, I know that deep down inside she still wants to be with me but she feels the need to go through some personal issues alone.

 

It's not looking good for her. This whole thing affected her life in a negative way (well except for her new apt). Her performance at work and school took a downward spiral. Last time we spoke, she said she failed her last exam and is studying less. Very unlike her. I wish her the best and wish I could be there to support her but she chose to go through it alone.

[depplover_1980]

The assistant needs to butt out, she has no right calling you back and sticking her nose in - I would politely remind her of that if it happens again. Just get your stuff asap and get out of there. If she is choosing to have a meltdown, she has made it very clear she wants to do it alone! Some people sure are odd.

[Phateless]

Yourmade a wrong move by accepting the invitation and walking straight back towards her. I am not telling you any of this for a laugh Ollie, I am telling you because my gut screams that pulling away from her will be just what she needs to 'decide'. Take a leap of faith because doing it the current way is getting you nowhere.

 

That was a leash-tug and you failed the test, Ollie. Now she knows that she has you at her beck and call and she doesn't have to feel insecure about you "moving on" because whenever she calls you you will come right back.

 

Make sense?

 

If it's over you can't be so available to her. What you should have done when she calls is tell her "sorry I have plans tonight but we can hang out tomorrow" (or whenever YOU are available.)

[Ollie76]

Phateless,

 

Man I wish you could have heard the voice mail she left. Anybody in they're right mind would have responded to that sh*t regardless. I don't think I lost my dignity because of the way I responded. I still laid down the ground terms. She was all over me, but I refused to take it further. I left her hungry for more because she's still trying to get me back to her place.

 

She knows for a fact that I have other options. She heard stories of how other girls are trying to pursue me. It's just a matter of how I can get her for good and not string me along.

[Ollie76]

The assistant needs to butt out, she has no right calling you back and sticking her nose in - I would politely remind her of that if it happens again. Just get your stuff asap and get out of there. If she is choosing to have a meltdown, she has made it very clear she wants to do it alone! Some people sure are odd.

 

I pretty much cursed her out and ask her to mind her own business. LOL

 

My ex said she had no role in her assistant calling me. EFF them both. LOL

 

I'm glad she's having a meltdown.

[Chi townD]

or....she could have had the assistant call you to fish for information. She knows that other girls are talking to you. She might have thought that you would be more forthcoming about your feelings about the situation to the assistant rather than her.

 

Or maybe she IS having a meltdown. Finding the paperwork and knowing that you have to pick it up symbolizes the finality of your relationship. After you pick it up, she has nothing of you left.

 

Just some thoughts.....

[depplover_1980]

Well that is a thought Chi, but I would be surprised if someone used an assitant in a professional environment to find out something so private!

 

Either way, you're right about the stuff. Ollie, as soon as that is done you can finally break free and she can finally be given this 'space' she so desires and all...