makelemonade1974 Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Saw him at a coffee shop today. Sat down at the table, cool as a cucumber. He instantly freaks. I said "are you okay" and he says "no, leave me alone." I said "you are alone." He said "you know what you did to me, do you have any idea what you did to me?" Apparently I have hurt him. I said "I've apologized." He said "every apology was always trying to manipulate me because you wanted something." I said "no, I'm sorry." Then he jumped up and down a few times and left. It was a scene. Yay. He still loves me, right? Or else he wouldn't be hurting? Funny it's all my fault. Blah blah - no contact for 60 days. That's my goal. That's what he wants he can have it. Don't know why I'm so stubborn. Wish I could stop loving him. Or rewind time - gheesh. Anyway, thought I'd share. I feel amazingly calm. Like I got my fix or something. Gheesh. I'm addicted to him. Absolutely no reason in my stupid little head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 BAD lemonade. BAD BAD. I might be a teensy bit intoxicated. Turned in the second of two PhD exams today - woo hoo! Link to post Share on other sites
Movingthrough Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 I was reading your other post when i saw this. Honestly, im glad you shared, this is the perfect example of what REALLY goes on when NC or the silent treatment is happening. We all think that the other person is so over us, good to go and cool. Usually that isnt the case, like you saw, "what you did to me", he is hurting. I dont know if that makes you feel any better but trust me, when a guy does the silent treatment, he is trying to show you he is pissed, there is no other way to put it. Iam a guy, and i can tell you we feel it more then you girls think. Im reading a couple books right now talking about the male pysch, and we are usually the ones that hurt more when it ends. Dont get me wrong, if the guy is doing the dumping it may not be like that, but that goes for anyone who is the dumper. He does still love you, he is hurting and silent treatment is all he knows what to do. This is the typical two sided thing where he thinks its all you, and you think its all him. Same with me and my ex... Link to post Share on other sites
spackle Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 moving-what are you reading? lemonade-I understand. It's partly a validation thing when you feel you've been treated badly and feel like they never cared. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 I was reading your other post when i saw this. Honestly, im glad you shared, this is the perfect example of what REALLY goes on when NC or the silent treatment is happening. We all think that the other person is so over us, good to go and cool. Usually that isnt the case, like you saw, "what you did to me", he is hurting. I dont know if that makes you feel any better but trust me, when a guy does the silent treatment, he is trying to show you he is pissed, there is no other way to put it. Iam a guy, and i can tell you we feel it more then you girls think. Im reading a couple books right now talking about the male pysch, and we are usually the ones that hurt more when it ends. Dont get me wrong, if the guy is doing the dumping it may not be like that, but that goes for anyone who is the dumper. He does still love you, he is hurting and silent treatment is all he knows what to do. This is the typical two sided thing where he thinks its all you, and you think its all him. Same with me and my ex... Ha! He loves me he loves me I am now going to go get really drunk. Yep. Stupid men need to learn how to communicate (no offense to men posters); Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 I wouldn't be fooled. He used a diversion tactic as he didn't want to talk about anything. Typical narcissist 'look what you've done to me'??? It's your fault the relationship didn't work out. FFS... Link to post Share on other sites
Movingthrough Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Ha! He loves me he loves me I am now going to go get really drunk. Yep. Stupid men need to learn how to communicate (no offense to men posters); I have also dealt with what your feeling, you want to know that they still love you, not get back together, just know that they want you. I still feel that way. If i honestly had a choice right now, i would have her message me saying i cant get my mind off of you etc etc. I wouldnt even answer. Just knowing she feels like that is what i honestly want. BUT... The whole point of being on here and healing in general is to not give two sh*ts what they are doing, or what they are feeling. Its not even being bitter, its just the simple reality that their life is not mine....so who cares? Just remember that knowing he still "loves" you is not really a great goal. Take it from someone who feels the same way... Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 I dont know if that makes you feel any better but trust me, when a guy does the silent treatment, he is trying to show you he is pissed, there is no other way to put it. This is the typical two sided thing where he thinks its all you, and you think its all him. Same with me and my ex... Oh yeah, he is pissed. Jump up and down pissed lol. And he has facial hair now. It looks stupid. How long do men stay pissed for - 5 months? wtf Link to post Share on other sites
Movingthrough Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Oh yeah, he is pissed. Jump up and down pissed lol. And he has facial hair now. It looks stupid. How long do men stay pissed for - 5 months? wtf Im about 7 months into mine and like i posted today, i still feel pissed. Now dont get me wrong, its because of her actions, but your guy seems more like a baby to me. Very immature emotionally. Guys dont deal with emotions very much, so when they get hurt it sticks around a lot longer, plus we are dealing with the great big ego that doesnt make it easier. I find myself feeling very "disrespected" when in reality it doesnt matter. She did bad, so did i, who cares. Us guys need a lot more emotional training then girls do.. Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Im about 7 months into mine and like i posted today, i still feel pissed. Now dont get me wrong, its because of her actions, but your guy seems more like a baby to me. Very immature emotionally. Guys dont deal with emotions very much, so when they get hurt it sticks around a lot longer, plus we are dealing with the great big ego that doesnt make it easier. I find myself feeling very "disrespected" when in reality it doesnt matter. She did bad, so did i, who cares. Us guys need a lot more emotional training then girls do.. Wanna join my bootcamp? Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Wanna join my bootcamp? I volunteer myself! Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Line up line up! Pen you're going to make me do it. Depps is going to write a bootcamp within the week, when I have the creativity!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 Im about 7 months into mine and like i posted today, i still feel pissed. Now dont get me wrong, its because of her actions, but your guy seems more like a baby to me. Very immature emotionally. Guys dont deal with emotions very much, so when they get hurt it sticks around a lot longer, plus we are dealing with the great big ego that doesnt make it easier. I find myself feeling very "disrespected" when in reality it doesnt matter. She did bad, so did i, who cares. Us guys need a lot more emotional training then girls do.. I totally love that you can admit you have a great big ego. This is widely known among women, but I've never heard a guy actually admit it. Awesome. What did she do that made you so pissed? Link to post Share on other sites
wmrjw82 Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 I dont know if that makes you feel any better but trust me, when a guy does the silent treatment, he is trying to show you he is pissed, there is no other way to put it. So wait a minute... is what i'm doing giving my ex the silent treatment or am I just doing NC? She dumped me harshly but then txt me 2 weeks later that she was "praying" for my custody situation. I never replied. Is that the silent treatment or was I just sticking to NC like I thought. I just dont want to give off the vibe to her that i'm pissed... i'd rather her think i'm just above it all and walked away. Hope this makes sense because i'm utterly confused. For those who know my situation please help out..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 26, 2011 Author Share Posted February 26, 2011 When they are the dumper and you are the dumpee, you respond with "No Contact" so you can make it clear that if they do not want you as their gf / bf they are not going to have you at all. If you are the dumper, dumped your ex in a very cruel manner or in the middle of a heated argument, (this is what happened to me) and then proceeded to never give them closure, refuse their emails (even professional ones) or phone calls, ignore them in public, etc. and you work together or see each other a lot for some other reason, then it is the "silent treatment." Very different than no contact. No contact is for the dumpee, "silent treatments" are for evil sadistic dumpers. Link to post Share on other sites
Movingthrough Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 So wait a minute... is what i'm doing giving my ex the silent treatment or am I just doing NC? She dumped me harshly but then txt me 2 weeks later that she was "praying" for my custody situation. I never replied. Is that the silent treatment or was I just sticking to NC like I thought. I just dont want to give off the vibe to her that i'm pissed... i'd rather her think i'm just above it all and walked away. Hope this makes sense because i'm utterly confused. For those who know my situation please help out..... To me the silent treatment is like the OP said where he is actually making physical gestures or movements to be silent. In one of her other posts she said he would look from a distance like he was pouting or something. Basically he is showing he is there, but not talking or doing anything. I can tell you right now that while im no where near his immaturity, if i saw my ex tomm i would not say hi or i hope all is well, because in all honesty i dont care. Its not bitter, i wouldnt intentionally do things like he is but i wouldnt make an effort. NC is basically you are there i am here, and communication is going to get us nowhere. Learn from me, i did every angle you could do, went NC, broke it, stayed NC, was polite, tried meeting up etc - everything you can do and i will tell you that in the long run nothing came of it, which means NC is the way to go. With me though, i look at NC as a means to get over it, not "oh im 60 days NC", to me if you wake up one day and feel over the person, im not saying contact them, but you dont look at it like days anymore, just im good to go now. I totally love that you can admit you have a great big ego. LOL, i didnt mean to say i have a great big ego, but in my "studies" from this break up, i can tell you it plays a big part. Us guys put the girl on a pedastol, we make them out to be almost god like after the break up when in reality we know why we broke up. I think deep down it comes from the thought of "when will we find something again" because guys are not usually easily approached like girls are. Society has always made it where the GUY goes and talks to the GIRL, so we feel like we may never find it again (but we always do). Plus, when they find someone else its like wow someone just swooped in and took her away. As far as my "anger" that still lingers (i dont know if anger is the right word, maybe aggrivation) its mostly over the idea of saying one thing and doing the other. Im really big on someones word, and i dont ever open my mouth unless i think ahead and KNOW i can back it up. My ex went over the top "proving" to me that she would always be there and never leave my side, even when i would tell her those were strong words. She looked at me in my face said "i love you" then broke it off the next day, im sorry but that is a huge deal to me. So overall i think people should think before they speak, obviously, she didnt. At this point, what i just said and the fact that she gave me the whole i need me time speal then moved onto a guy days after me, is what still gets me. Bootcamp? Probably do need that! ha Link to post Share on other sites
IanIan Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 (edited) I totally love that you can admit you have a great big ego. This is widely known among women, but I've never heard a guy actually admit it. Awesome. Women can have big egos and can need practice at handling their emotions too. This is, I think, however not widely known among men or women. Edited February 26, 2011 by IanIan Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 26, 2011 Author Share Posted February 26, 2011 (edited) My friend (a girl) and I often try to figure out male motivations. The conclusion we came to is this: 1) Men are driven by the desire to "be a man," call it ego or whatever, but they are motivated to succeed professionally above all else, to "accomplish" things, to be better than other men, to fight for things and "win," and to protect what is theirs. This doesn't mean they are bad, they just think differently. 2) Women are motivated by relationships - with our children, our friends, our men. We will maneuver in whatever way we think we need to in order to solidify relationships which we feel are beneficial to us and ours (by "ours" I mean family, by "beneficial" I mean satisfying and resulting in contentment). While a lot of women indeed have careers, etc., sometimes the decisions they make in their careers are related to their relationships with others in some way. I know this is a broad-sweeping statement and it certainly doesn't apply in all cases. But this conclusion helped my friend and I make sense of some of our own dealings with men, personally and professionally. I'm not saying women don't want to "win" or that they don't like ego strokes - it's just that these ego strokes and winning are usually related to their relationships. This theory is open to TONS of criticism I'm sure - as is any broad-sweeping generalization. I hope I haven't offended anyone. Edited February 26, 2011 by makelemonade1974 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightinMadrid Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 When they are the dumper and you are the dumpee, you respond with "No Contact" so you can make it clear that if they do not want you as their gf / bf they are not going to have you at all. If you are the dumper, dumped your ex in a very cruel manner or in the middle of a heated argument, (this is what happened to me) and then proceeded to never give them closure, refuse their emails (even professional ones) or phone calls, ignore them in public, etc. and you work together or see each other a lot for some other reason, then it is the "silent treatment." Very different than no contact. No contact is for the dumpee, "silent treatments" are for evil sadistic dumpers. Question,Yep everything you wrote about the Silent treatment is correct on my part. So what happens when the evil callous dumper stops talking to you for five months,after ignoring contact numerous times,that means he's really pissed? Or he just doesnt give a hootendamn I'd like to think he's pissed but still doesnt help if he's ignoring me,just my 3 cents Link to post Share on other sites
wmrjw82 Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 My friend (a girl) and I often try to figure out male motivations. The conclusion we came to is this: 1) Men are driven by the desire to "be a man," call it ego or whatever, but they are motivated to succeed professionally above all else, to "accomplish" things, to be better than other men, to fight for things and "win," and to protect what is theirs. This doesn't mean they are bad, they just think differently. 2) Women are motivated by relationships - with our children, our friends, our men. We will maneuver in whatever way we think we need to in order to solidify relationships which we feel are beneficial to us and ours (by "ours" I mean family, by "beneficial" I mean satisfying and resulting in contentment). While a lot of women indeed have careers, etc., sometimes the decisions they make in their careers are related to their relationships with others in some way. I know this is a broad-sweeping statement and it certainly doesn't apply in all cases. But this conclusion helped my friend and I make sense of some of our own dealings with men, personally and professionally. I'm not saying women don't want to "win" or that they don't like ego strokes - it's just that these ego strokes and winning are usually related to their relationships. This theory is open to TONS of criticism I'm sure - as is any broad-sweeping generalization. I hope I haven't offended anyone. Coming from a man's perspective I would say you are right. But I also think women have a need to feel "secure" from a man. Most of the women I have been with needed that security in the form of finances. I'm not saying that they wanted to be stay at home types, but they wanted to know their man was the provider. Alot of men feel that pressure and thus make it a point to try and be that person for them. Thus that desire is fed from their SO. Guess that's why they say it always takes two. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Coming from a man's perspective I would say you are right. But I also think women have a need to feel "secure" from a man. Most of the women I have been with needed that security in the form of finances. I'm not saying that they wanted to be stay at home types, but they wanted to know their man was the provider. Alot of men feel that pressure and thus make it a point to try and be that person for them. Thus that desire is fed from their SO. Guess that's why they say it always takes two. Well women need to step up to the plate more. Can't have us doing everything. Forget their "need to feel secure". They need to be on their feet working their butts off also. Got us working all day to bring home the money only to find them on their back with someone else. Nope. Unacceptable. In regards to the original subject, original poster, I suggest you give the guy the time and space he needs. Link to post Share on other sites
D78 Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 ...Or he just doesnt give a hootendamn I have no idea what that last word means, but I love it What is the bootcamp? Will it make us bada$$ like Depp? Link to post Share on other sites
justletgox51 Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Hi, Lemonade! I don't understand the concept of 'no contact' and 'silent treatment'. My ex and I go to the same high school (pardon me for being young but we were very much in love for over a year). We were an on and off couple but 2-3 months ago, he called it quits. Many people called him an abuser here on this thread and it's partially my fault for being the dramaqueen. Anyway, I've begged, pleaded, sent hand-written letters, and all that came down to just him blocked and deleted me on FB on my birthday and in weeks laters, I called for a stupid reason (basically asked him if he knows who wrote hater comments on my blog anonymously) and on our last phone call, he made his amends but stung me when he said, "You moved on so fast" and told me in the end about his plans for our one year anniversary, and told me he gave his birthday/Christmas gift for me to someone else. A month later, he told one of my friends that he wanted to be friends again- but never asked personally because "I would run away" whenever I see him. But I don't. Basically, I'm on NC for exactly 2 months now (I didn't even greet him on his birthday) and we go to the same self-directed high school, we see each other every day and no talking. Anyway, sorry for the long post but I guess I just really wanted to know if he's doing a silent treatment or just plain NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 Coming from a man's perspective I would say you are right. But I also think women have a need to feel "secure" from a man. Most of the women I have been with needed that security in the form of finances. I'm not saying that they wanted to be stay at home types, but they wanted to know their man was the provider. Alot of men feel that pressure and thus make it a point to try and be that person for them. Thus that desire is fed from their SO. Guess that's why they say it always takes two. I think this is a misconception that just feeds male anxiety about being the "breadwinner" or fighting for "success" however they measure it. I've never, and I know a lot of other women who have never felt they needed financial "security" from a man. Women have jobs. As long as the man actually HAS a job, that's the big thing. Men put too much pressure on themselves because they think women need to feel secure. It's sweet though - such anxiety at least means that men care a lot about their relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 Question,Yep everything you wrote about the Silent treatment is correct on my part. So what happens when the evil callous dumper stops talking to you for five months,after ignoring contact numerous times,that means he's really pissed? Or he just doesnt give a hootendamn I'd like to think he's pissed but still doesnt help if he's ignoring me,just my 3 cents He's pissed. Normal people move on and forgive. Link to post Share on other sites
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