wmrjw82 Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 It's sweet though - such anxiety at least means that men care a lot about their relationships. Yea, but i suffer from codependency. Meaning I put the needs of my SO over my own to a fault. So it kinda sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 He's pissed. Normal people move on and forgive. Normal people heal then move on, and they don't have to forgive in order to move on either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 Normal people heal then move on, and they don't have to forgive in order to move on either. I wish forgiveness for you. Anger will only hurt you. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightinMadrid Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 (edited) I have no idea what that last word means, but I love it What is the bootcamp? Will it make us bada$$ like Depp? hehe it means hoot & damn,didnt know if LS would block the word damn,.. maybe not Distant,I agree with lemonade,its not right to be that pissed with someone that you have to cut and ignore that person for months bc you had an argument,especially one that really doesnt merit that kind of silent treatment. Take heart girl,if this is the way people handled conflict,the next person will most likely suffer the same fate. Edited February 27, 2011 by MidnightinMadrid Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 hehe it means hoot & damn,didnt know if LS would block the word damn,.. maybe not Distant,I agree with lemonade,its not right to be that pissed with someone that you have to cut and ignore that person for months bc you had an argument,especially one that really doesnt merit that kind of silent treatment. Take heart girl,if this is the way people handled conflict,the next person will most likely suffer the same fate. I totally agree with this. God help the next girl that dates this guy! He'll probably do exactly the same thing to her aswell. I remember Lemonade that our breakups were very similar. I also received The Silent Treatment aswell, from day1. Your exes immaturity speaks volumes in itself! I haven't seen my ex since we brokeup. But it makes me wonder what would happen if it does happen. My ex would probably do the same thing. They blame everything on us, to make themselves feel better about being complete jerks! I hope you stay in NC Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 I wish forgiveness for you. Anger will only hurt you. It's not about anger. It's about healing and learning to leave others alone to live their life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 It's not about anger. It's about healing and learning to leave others alone to live their life. Are you angry that someone is not leaving you alone? Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Don't try and reason with someone that is being hostile to you and knows f u c k all about your background and story. Occasionally bitter posters take it out on others - this is one of them examples. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 Depp - Yeah I knew he was a "baby troll," hence the rhetorical question. Thanks for keeping your head up. You are fabulosity my sistah. For the record - I will SO be leaving my ex "alone," particularly since the last memory I have is of him jumping up and down looking PO'd and generally hilarious. I'm still loving that I was cool and calm and he flipped and made an a** of himself. Poor. Thing. I feel so sorry for him. (not) I promised him 60 days No Contact, he's going to be pretty surprised when he doesn't hear from me for the rest of his life. That's where I am right now - and it's a good place. The confrontation did me some good in the long run, although it sent me to drunken lala land for about 24 hours. Link to post Share on other sites
wmrjw82 Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I think this is a misconception that just feeds male anxiety about being the "breadwinner" or fighting for "success" however they measure it. I've never, and I know a lot of other women who have never felt they needed financial "security" from a man. Women have jobs. As long as the man actually HAS a job, that's the big thing. Men put too much pressure on themselves because they think women need to feel secure. It's sweet though - such anxiety at least means that men care a lot about their relationships. Since this was on topic of what we have been discussing I thought I would bring out a prime example of what a poster just recently posted here. I'm not picking on her at all but I just thought it was funny that one of her main reasons of breaking up was financial. ------------------------------ "I'm confused, I have known this man for 3 years, and we have dated off and on, and we were thinking about marriage and kids, but when i took the time to leave town to visit my family I got to thinking about our relationship. I know he loves me, But I'm starting to question myself. He's made some bad mistakes in the past regarding our relationship, and the thought of marriage and kids worries me that what if he does it again or something else. I am also feeling like if we were to be married, it wouldn't be the partnership I want. I need someone who can bring just as much to the table, as equals. He might have asked me to marry him, but I feel he's no where near ready to start thinking about making a family. Financially. And he's proven to me that he easily gives up too fast. While I do love him as a person, I feel that continuing this relationship knowing these things would forever burden me and I would not be happy. Am I making the right decision? " Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Well I can't speak for all women, but if a woman's sole ambition in life is to find a man that can provide for her so she can have children, that's a shame. I certainly don't want to insult the OP, but if one considers such things over depth of emotion, it seems a bit wrong to me. Of course, my "theory" doesn't hold in all circumstances, but my friend and I thought it certainly applied in the context of our own lives. I wanted to post here today because I feel like I might actually be close to being over my ex! The jumping up and down bit really did it for me. All this silent treatment was really just his way of expressing how PO'd he was at me for (I guess) "forcing" him to break up with me - I don't know. Anyway, he seemed so selfish and immature, blaming the whole thing on me when he was the one who dumped me quite cruelly. And I've been so worried about getting the power back and all that - here I am 5 months out and I honestly think I'd be happy if we never spoke again. I promised him 60 days NC, but he's getting forever NC. I really want him to look around in two months and wonder where I am. I will be long gone. It's nice to feel like I'm getting somewhere - getting past this and regaining my life. I remember times when I thought that would NEVER happen. I've been pretty stuck on finding closure for so long. I found closure - and it's the image of him throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of starbucks. He doesn't deserve the time of day from me. For anybody out there in the first month or two, it does get better, I promise. Link to post Share on other sites
Movingthrough Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 For the record - I will SO be leaving my ex "alone," particularly since the last memory I have is of him jumping up and down looking PO'd and generally hilarious. I'm still loving that I was cool and calm and he flipped and made an a** of himself. Poor. Thing. I feel so sorry for him. Its funny because i also feel the same way. Its like i just want that "proof" that she has hurt over me, its hard to admit, but sometimes when i have a hard day and actually sit down and ask what i would want out of all this, its not to get back together. Its to have her call, text, whatever and just say "i made a mistake and i miss you everyday.." etc etc. I kind of think its weird that i think like that, and she actually did that before, but for some reason thats what i find myself thinking. If i had a situation like you had it really would have made me feel better (just like you are saying). I did have my ex bad mouth me when she found out i was hanging out with another girl (which was proof) but i feel like if you were to get any "closure", it would be the antics he pulled right there.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Yeah, I think the hardest part of being the dumpee is the feeling that you were totally in love and they just one day decided to turn their back on you and walk away like you had never met, like you don't exist anymore, and you never (and don't) mean a thing to them. That's where all the impossible helplessness comes from that makes us hurt so much. We want to know they are hurting too - that it's tough for them - that they loved us at one time. I actually think breakups where both people at least express a little of that hurt before going NC are probably the easier ones. I read somewhere - maybe here - idk - that you can't rewind time, and if you want to, think about it, in the context of your whole entire life - would you go back to that person having learned what you know now? Not in a million years. I didn't go through 5 months of hell to go right back to Mr. whiny baby just because the sex was so good I thought it was some kind of "magical love." The world is bigger. Link to post Share on other sites
Tybalt Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Hi... I'm new here but I've read some of your posts OP, and I can see you have gone through quite a process! One thing that resonated with me about this particular post is how some of the clarity about the other person's self centeredness and immaturity can really show after a breakup. In my situation, which I posted yesterday, my ex and I were reconnecting and (I thought) working toward reconciliation - we at least had agreed that we would not be intimate with anyone else while with each other - when he decided to stop being intimate with me and take a "platonic" friendship with a very long-ago ex back to the intimate level. And of course, I had to extract this after the fact rather than his volunteering this important information. I'm in my mid thirties and he is 20 years older, yet he couldn't seem to grasp why I would need no contact to get over this. He literally attempted to argue and dissuade me from it. Really, his reaction highlighted the reason we'd originally broken it off in the first place... I felt he did not respect my needs, did not hear them, whatever. Of course, he wanted to stay friends and even invited me to a concert right after the revelation that he had been, and would now be intimate with the other woman! Er, give me a sec... No! Since then he's emailed me frequently to tell me how much he misses me and thinks of me every moment, all while sleeping with the other woman who he will "never love." He also expresses how sad and miserable and tortured he is in his life right now. Um, ok, I'd like to say, but YOU basically called it quits and closed the door on ME. Now I'm supposed to feel sorry for you? In a way I do, that he has so little clarity or ability to see past his own nose. He didn't email me today, which was something of a break. Knowing he doesn't listen, however, I am certain that is not the end of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Yeah, these dumpers think they can have their cake and eat it too. I think all these points show that they are hurting too - and very often making stupid decisions that they regret later. It just goes to show that you shouldn't take rejection personally. Their rejection of us is all about THEM. And it's insane how many dumpers will twist things around and make it our fault. I actually asked my ex during our very brief convo - "well, what about what YOU did" and he says "I didn't do anything." Oh, yes, you are perfect and it's all my fault. Oh. My. Sounds like a real winner Tybalt. Once a cheater always a cheater. Stay NC. I think it's good we learn what these people are like before we waste anymore time on them. NEXT. Link to post Share on other sites
Tybalt Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 I'm with you on that! Intellectually I know blame is pointless. It didn't work out. I'd like a modicum of respect but it's up to me to enforce that. He needs to understand that his decision is irrevocable. It isn't fair for me or for his new girlfriend for him to try to retain my emotional support now after all that has happened, and I told him this. I feel bad for my "replacement" if she's really into him and he is telling me he is in love with me and never will be in love with her. Whether it is true or not, I wouldn't want to be seeing someone who was saying things like that to someone else. The way I see it, when the right relationship comes along it won't be so much turmoil and agony, for either of us. I do wish him well. I just don't want to be a part of his process. I think that's fair! Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightinMadrid Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Are you angry that someone is not leaving you alone? Maybe Distant should leave us alone! Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 I wouldn't be fooled. He used a diversion tactic as he didn't want to talk about anything. Typical narcissist 'look what you've done to me'??? It's your fault the relationship didn't work out. FFS... Typical. I've encountered that narcissistic crap lately, and if they are doing that behaviour in their 20's they are still the same or worse in their 40's. Try being in a relationship with someone who won't communicate every time you do something that annoys them or pisses them off. Fun. You live your life walking on eggshells, hoping not to make a mis step Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Typical. I've encountered that narcissistic crap lately, and if they are doing that behaviour in their 20's they are still the same or worse in their 40's. Try being in a relationship with someone who won't communicate every time you do something that annoys them or pisses them off. Fun. You live your life walking on eggshells, hoping not to make a mis step Lol - he's 36 and getting worse for sure. I honestly don't think anyone with less compassion than I have (and there are a lot of people with less - I was born to "mother" people - it's messed up) won't put up with him for more than a week, tops. He's going to have a long, lonely life. Maybe he can console himself with his new facial hair. Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Since this was on topic of what we have been discussing I thought I would bring out a prime example of what a poster just recently posted here. I'm not picking on her at all but I just thought it was funny that one of her main reasons of breaking up was financial. ------------------------------ "I'm confused, I have known this man for 3 years, and we have dated off and on, and we were thinking about marriage and kids, but when i took the time to leave town to visit my family I got to thinking about our relationship. I know he loves me, But I'm starting to question myself. He's made some bad mistakes in the past regarding our relationship, and the thought of marriage and kids worries me that what if he does it again or something else. I am also feeling like if we were to be married, it wouldn't be the partnership I want. I need someone who can bring just as much to the table, as equals. He might have asked me to marry him, but I feel he's no where near ready to start thinking about making a family. Financially. And he's proven to me that he easily gives up too fast. While I do love him as a person, I feel that continuing this relationship knowing these things would forever burden me and I would not be happy. Am I making the right decision? " Why on earth would you think that is funny? I think that is very smart. Who wants a freeloader that can't support himself, or one who is such a big baby himself he could never help with a family, (only in the making of it?) I've worked with single moms, or ladies who are unfortunately stuck with a loser of a husband - one who is not mature enough to go & find ANY job and do it, to put food on the table and a roof over, and it is no picnic. So YES a man's financial responsibility is very important. And his ability to stick around during a rough patch... I know one lady whose husband left after she gave birth to a special needs child. What a loser that guy is. Of course a woman's financial responsibility is important too... working, contributing, etc, at least the way I see it. So yes financial is a big thing, and marriage IS a partnership. Link to post Share on other sites
spackle Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Typical. I've encountered that narcissistic crap lately, and if they are doing that behaviour in their 20's they are still the same or worse in their 40's. Try being in a relationship with someone who won't communicate every time you do something that annoys them or pisses them off. Fun. You live your life walking on eggshells, hoping not to make a mis step I tried playing nice for a while, keeping things 'fun' while biting my tongue but you know what, screw that if you're doing something that pisses me off I'm going to speak up because that's who I really am. If you don't like it you know where the door is. Link to post Share on other sites
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