Tough Love, let them sit in jail... ?

[magda]

A family member has a drug problem, gets arrested a lot. She's finally gotten a felony charge and no one is bailing her out. She still owes people money from other times. She has never before spent more than a day or so in jail, but she has been arrested many times. I think this might be the time she serves a bit of time.

 

I was searching for "what is jail like" and found this forum 'prison talk'. Family members are all talking about how sad they are, how much money they send, how often they visit and call. I wanted to post there, but I got the feeling they would all tell me I was a horrible person for turning my back on my "incarcerated loved one".

 

I feel like, "maybe you're in the right place." She calls me through her lawyer and bail bonds guy stressing out about how horrible it is. Well, no kidding. I feel like the real her is under the control of meth so it's not really her that is stressing out, it's not really her that is going around hanging with losers and drug dealers, it's her on meth. Why should I feel guilty about turning my back on the meth version of her.

 

She's not a bad person, it's just that she's addicted to meth. She wants me to sign the bail thing, saying it's my financial responsibility if she doesn't show up at court. Why would I do that? How can I even vouch for someone addicted to meth? Prison doesn't seem like the right place for her, but I've tried to get her treatment before and she always found some reason, usually financial, for not being able to go. If she had a job to keep maybe I'd be more sympathetic.

 

I have feelings bundled up in this, I need some perspective. I get very stressed every time she is arrested, I sound very cold, I do care, but I can only take so much. I'm coming off very cold, colder than I really am. In a little while I will drive 15 miles and knock on her crackhead landclords door to try to pick up her tax return. I am not completely turning my back I'm just not signing anything or throwing money at her.

 

Any thoughts at all, any experiences, anything this makes you feel like saying is welcome. I guess I just wanted to talk and have someone listen, not looking for particular type of response...

[lavidaloca]

Magda...it's very hard to watch someone you care about suffer. But she didn't learn the consequences of her actions the first several times she was arrested, right? Time for her to face the music. If she sits in jail long enough, maybe she'll get enough of a distaste for it that she won't want to go back.

 

I know how hard this is, trust me. You feel like you're being mean for not helping them out. No way would I sign off on anyone's bond, though. That's a financial risk I wouldn't be willing to assume. It's one thing if you could trust the person completely, but if you can't...well...it's not on you to get them out of jail.

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It's very hard, I know.

[Brinas]

Magda...it's very hard to watch someone you care about suffer. But she didn't learn the consequences of her actions the first several times she was arrested, right? Time for her to face the music. If she sits in jail long enough, maybe she'll get enough of a distaste for it that she won't want to go back.

 

I know how hard this is, trust me. You feel like you're being mean for not helping them out. No way would I sign off on anyone's bond, though. That's a financial risk I wouldn't be willing to assume. It's one thing if you could trust the person completely, but if you can't...well...it's not on you to get them out of jail.

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It's very hard, I know.

 

TOTALLY agree.

 

Your guilt about not helping out a loved one is confounding the situation. You already made good points not help, but made it sound like the reasons TO help. Eventually, luck runs out and her free rides have ended. It's time to pay the piper. I've dealt with this first hand and know what's its like.

Stick to your guns, and keep a stiff upper lip, my friend.

 

~S