JulieAnna Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 I'm fixing to file for divorce. I've only been married 3-4 months. Recently got my husband to go to church counseling but it didn't help much. I'm tired of his relentless badgering and insults. Before we got married everything was 50/50. We were friends - we got along great and had so much fun together. I didn't want to get married as quickly as we did but caved in to pressure from both our families and my husband's pressure. Nevertheless we got married. Now I'm so unhappy - he intentionally starts arguments or if he gets mad he will give me the silent treatment. I hate that and think it's childish. We're supposed to communicate but the communication ends when he gets angry and he punishes me by not talking to me - this will go on for hours or days. He's put me down continually for minor things and tells me I'm a bad wife. We've only been married 3 months and I'm trying to adjust to that along with my son. It's been difficult for both of us. My husband is high strung with a hostile temper. I never saw this before we got married - he was so eager to please and happy. Now he's just an ass - bashing me about everything. I can't be myself - he wants me to conform to being his "wife". I'm going to file for divorce but sheez, I'm so embarrassed for getting married when I wasn't ready and for giving up on this marriage after only 3-4 months. But I've tried to talk to him and work things out. His solution is that it will be his way or no way at all. Bascially I don't have a chance. I have to do what he wants when he wants it or he starts a war. I think past issues with his exwife (who left him for another man) and his mother (who abandoned him at age 13) are to blame. He's got alot of anger and is taking it all out on me. Unfortunately he's ruining our marriage because of it. I feel it's become verbally and mentally abusive - the things he says to me hurt me and belittle me. Nothing I do or say seems to interest him - he makes me feel stupid or unimportant. How did I get into this situation. I want out and know I need to leave but I just feel so sad and alone right now. He hasn't talked to me since Friday night. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Do what you feel is right, if you feel that you should leave then do it. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Spot on. From what I've read you are indeed being verbally and mentally abused. Nothing to be embarrassed about here. You did go to counseling, so it's not like you didn't try to fix things. What you don't want is your son (you didn't say how old he is, or if this creep is his father) picking up the habit of treating others this way down the line. Look to the future - a better one for yourself and your son. Link to post Share on other sites
Sundaymorning Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 but how long did you date before marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Her son is not necessarily her husbands son Link to post Share on other sites
Sundaymorning Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Originally posted by Darkangelism Her son is not necessarily her husbands son where did this come from? This fact that you state is true. but how did you come to this idea, i see no prompting Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 From the thread someone else started re: separation. The reference here in this one says "my son". Yet the other thread the originator here made a reference in reply to "his son". Now methinks I'm confused. Popeye reached for his spinach - I'll just pick up the coffee mug. Link to post Share on other sites
JulieAnna Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 We both have sons from previous marriages. Mine is 11 - his is 12. This was part of the problem too. Link to post Share on other sites
JulieAnna Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Oh and I forgot to answer the question about how long we dated before we got married - we dated 7 months. Link to post Share on other sites
swtbonita Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 I don't think 7 months is a long enough time to get to know everything about a person.. Also if you feel pressured and didn't feel ready why would you even consider marrying him.. And now you haven't been together for a year in total and you are getting a divorce. me and my bf have been together for 2 and 1/2 years and we have never given each other the silent treatment, we have never yelled at each other and we have never belittled each other.. We always talk to each other about how we feel.. Personally i think 3 to 4 months marriage is very short and i would give it another try.. i would try to communicate and tell him that you are unhappy and you are thinking the only way out is a divorce if nothing changes.. but if he doesn't act more considerate to your feelings then you should get a divorce because then he obviously doesn't care about your feelings.. Also belittling is verbal abuse and before you lose yourself and your self esteem you have to stand up to him and tell him what you want from him and if he can't give it to you then leave him.. Link to post Share on other sites
JulieAnna Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Yes 7 months is not enough time to truly get to know someone. He knew I didn't want to get married but both our families just thought this was the greatest thing and even my dad pushed me to go thru with it. I didn't stand my ground - I did what others wanted me to do. Then suddenly I'm supposed to be this wife and perform my wifely duties. I just couldn't do it because I couldn't trust my husband enough to uproot me and my son's life to move in with him and his son. Lots of factors involved that made it a scary situation. So I tried to talk things out and ask that I needed to feel more trust and security from him - I wanted him to show more concern for me and my sons feelings. He got mad - stayed mad and became hostile and pissed as the days passed. That pushed me further away and made me even more reluctant to move in with him because he was showing behavior that scared me. So I never moved in - he became relentless and obsessed with me moving in calling me names and insulting me for being a bad wife, etc. All the while I'm trying to protect myself and my son and do what was best - not make a huge mistake. We got along fine before we got married. He was respectful and kind. But after we got married and I didn't move in right away he became evil and mean. Nothing mattered to him other than I wasn't living in his house as his wife. I embarrassed him in front of his sisters and mother and neighbors because I don't live there. I told him all I wanted was some time to adjust and for him to make me and my son feel a little more welcome and secure about giving up our life and moving in to his house. His son was mean to my son until we came to blows about that. Both me and my son never felt comfortable moving in with them due to the way they treated us. (Long story in itself). We got married Jan. 2. and I'd give anything for things to be different and to work out but he's too angry. He's already cancelled my cell phone and taken me off his insurance (health and dental). He's vengeful - because I won't do what he wants "he'll show me!". Link to post Share on other sites
overseas2004 Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 I think I would be pissed too if I got married and my husband did not want to move in with me. From your post you indicate that is when he got angry when you refused to move in. You claim it takes time to take up your wifely duites? I don't agree. You either go into a marriage ready to be a wife or you don't. From what I see you weren't and you did not end up doing what you were supposed to do. And in the end he is pissed and I don't blame him. I think that three months is not enough of chance to give someone. But in retrospect I don't think you are willing to give him a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
BSchuller Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 I believe you have made a hugh mistake, you realize this and you should end it. That is my opinion. I am in my second marriage and trust me, they do not change, it does not "get better" - get out while you still have your dignity and your son is not too attached. It sounds like your husband is very self-centered and controlling. Cancelling your insurance, cell phone, etc., that is no way for a husband to treat his wife. I say move on, life is short and who cares what other people think. Link to post Share on other sites
roseguest Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Hi there I just accidentally stumbled on this website while looking for a definition of the word "mysoginist" while writing a post for another message board that I frequent since I left my abusive husband. I went through the same thing. Really charming guy turned monster after marriage. I tried very hard, pushed him to see a marriage counselor ... etc etc ... but in the end he became physically violent and I ran away. I didn't know him very long and quickly got married under pressure. However, I always realized that my estranged husband had emotional problems. I just didn't realize what they were until I was married. He has a personality disorder ... most likely borderline personality disorder. I was feeling like such an idiot for my impulsive marriage and for all the problems that followed until I started reading other people's stories and discovered this is actually a fairly common phenomenon. Maybe your husband has some serious issues that he has been hiding from you? Maybe he has a personality disorder? As my friends have all said since my disaster -- men and women both -- any guy who would insult, belittle and finally hit his wife is mentally ill. No other explanation. Check out the resources on line. The website I have been visiting is http://www.bpdcentral.com Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
roseguest Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 By the way, I won't take overseas2004 criticism too seriously. He is obviously ignoring your comments about your husband's verbal abuse. I also wonder about the "long story" you mention. Be careful of physical and emotional abuse. I used to think I was "superwoman" and could take anything and anyone. My crazy estranged husband taught me different. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 There's only one important thought in this whole story - that this marriage is NO GOOD for you or your son and you want out of it. I was actually hoping you had already made up your mind to that. You didn't want to get married and now that you are, you hate it. I understand you didn't move in. I can tell you that any man I've ever been close to would be hurt and confused by that, but would respond by extra special attentions and trying to woo me over, not by insults and attacks. Think about that for a minute. Your husband wants you to be closer, physically and emotionally, so he attacks you, calls you names, belittles you, cancels your health insurance??? That's like saying you want to train a dog to be more affectionate, so you start hitting it with a stick! (By the way, I imagine that legally he CANNOT take you off his insurance while you are married. Please see a lawyer about this and about the overall divorce.) My advice is the same as it was...do whatever it takes to get out of this marriage. And forget about the embarassment. Sheesh. It's nothing to the pain of having your and your son's lives scarred by this kind of cr*pola. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 OMG!!!!l Are you the same one that posted a month ago about this marriage where you never moved in with the husband????????? No wonder he's mad!!!! You were told then to divorce the guy so why are you still waffling????????????? I can tell you that any man I've ever been close to would be hurt and confused by that, but would respond by extra special attentions and trying to woo me over, not by insults and attacks. Oh come ON!!!! I can't imagine anybody who, having married someone, would not get very upset if his wife refused to live with him - for FOUR MONTHS!!!! This is a bizarre situation at best. JA, why must you keep asking what to do? You clearly don't want to be married so get on with the divorce. Or is this a hoax???? It's just getting altogether too wierd. Link to post Share on other sites
Txsweety27 Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 Don't feel bad my marriage only lasted 1 month! Then I found out a bunch of lies and other stuff that I had to file for divorce exactly 1 month after our divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
JulieAnna Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 First of all who is Moi? Whar on earth are you talking about? I think there are several people on here battling the decision to stay or leave psycho husbands after short-lived marriages. Maybe you are getting us all confused or just maybe we're all so miserable we sound too alike. Don't worry - I have divorce papers in hand and am hitting the courthouse early tomorrow morning. No problem here filing for divorce - just needed to let out some hot air before I did so. Like alot of us on here - we all really know how to solve our own problems - we use these boards to let out emotions and talk to others going thru the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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