JaneyAmazed Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Hopefully most of you know my story. I'm having trouble now getting my H to go to MC. He says we should wait a few months and I think we should go now. We're making a lot of changes in our marriage so that finally our marriage is our number one priority. I understand why he doesn't want to go. He says that he thinks I don't trust him enough so I think a counselor can tell us how to have a good marriage better than he can. That's not why. I told him I think a counselor could help us relate to each other better and know what steps to take to heal from what has happened. I don't want him to think I don't trust him. I just don't want our marriage to be the way it was before I had the affair. I think since I'm the one who cheated on him, I should listen to him and not go to MC now but it still worries me. Should I just stick with IC for a while? He said he would go to MC now for me, but he doesn't think he needs it and would solely be doing for me. That makes me feel like I'd be forcing him to go against his will. Since I'm the one who betrayed him, I just don't feel right making any demands of him even if it's something I think would help us. I tried to make him see that I only want to do whatever it takes to strengthen our marriage. We got into an argument last night and he and I just can't understand each other sometimes. I think a couselor would help us see each other's views and needs better, but he thinks we can do that by ourselves. Not to mention, I just had an affair and the emotions are still raw and we are both still hurting badly. What should I do? I do trust that he is making our marriage priority, but I still think he doesn't realize the impact the affair will have on us the next year or so. I think the right counselor could give us some insight and help us get through this. He thinks that I should trust him enough to get through it without a conselor. Does that make sense? I told him I don't want to force him to do anything. I told him if we're not making a decision together, I don't want to do it dragging him along against his will. Should I drag him along? Will he resent me for it? I think that deep down he doesn't want someone else to tell him what he should do. He has little faith in MC. All I want is to save my marriage. I don't know what to do now. I haven't nagged him about MC at all. I asked him about it a month ago and he said he'd go for me. I didn't bring up again until yesterday to give him time to deal with everything. I purposely waited to bring it up so I wouldn't be a nag. He seems even more against it now than a month ago. I'm just fighting for my marriage, but I don't want to push him away. What am I doing wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
ladychesterton Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 I haven't experienced this personally, but it seems that when an affair occurs, both spouses need to examine themselves. Just because you did something wrong doesn't mean you have no rights or your feelings don't need to be considered. At this point, if you really want to stand up for your marriage, then tell him how you feel. Tell him why it's important to you. You can possibly leave the decision up to him, but be clear about what that decision means for you. Personally, if my spouse told me outright that a certain decision would leave them feeling distraught, hopeless, etc., I'd have a hard time going with that decision--but that's just me. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 What am I doing wrong? I don't think you're doing anything 'wrong'. Your H seems to be taking a view of MC as something that (for me at least) it isn't - going to MC isn't about having trust in your partner (or not), it's about drawing on an additional resource to help address relationship issues. I don't know if he's saying this because he actually believes that this is how it works, or whether he is using it as an 'excuse' because he simply isn't up for going. In any case, if one part isn't motivated for MC, then chances of it being beneficial drops significantly. I guess you'll just have to work through it with other means for the time being, and maybe suggest it again at some appropriate point in the future. I haven't posted in your threads but have read them - good luck with moving forward and I hope it works out for the two of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 I told him yesterday I'd like to go to IC by myself for a while and all of the sudden he changed and said we should go to MC together. I think he's afraid I'm going to be influenced by someone when he's not around. I understand the insecurity. He is so afraid of someone blaming him for what I did or that I will listen to a therapist and not him. I try to ease his mind about that but I can't pretend to know how he thinks or how wounded he is. I just want him to feel like he is in control, and that I think we need counseling to help us, not to minimize his role. My wish would be to go by myself for a while because I feel like I really need it. I tend to overanalyze everything and end up being more confused than ever. Then he could come with me later if he's up to it. I'm trying to be sensitive to his needs but fight for my marriage at the same time. It's a tough place to be in. He did feel better when I told him all I want is us to have a good marriage and I'm willing to do what it takes. Building up his self-confidence is on priority list too. That's another reason it's hard to argue with him about what I think we should do. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Individual counseling is usually the way to implement things into the right direction. You both deserve the right to air your sides privately so when you get into Marriage counseling you have the tools to communicate effectively. I admire the fact that you are willing to go the extra mile to rekindle the marriage vows and take positive actions. AN objective third party who has heard it all before can shed light on the dynamics and strengths you will need to overcome past concerns. As my counselor said, sometimes even a well made car needs a tune up Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 He doesn't want to go because he knows the MC will somehow come up with some "conclusion" that it was his fault for cheating. Can't blame the man for refusing to go. There are other ways though...... Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 He doesn't want to go because he knows the MC will somehow come up with some "conclusion" that it was his fault for cheating. Can't blame the man for refusing to go. There are other ways though...... Exactly what I was thinking, in some sorts! BTW, I have a feeling that her hubby's not hit the "anger" stage yet! But he will, and all HELL will break loose, he'll be cursing her a blue streak! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 Exactly what I was thinking, in some sorts! BTW, I have a feeling that her hubby's not hit the "anger" stage yet! But he will, and all HELL will break loose, he'll be cursing her a blue streak! He has been angry, but not all the time. I think that's healthy. I just think what he really needs is IC and someone to talk to besides me. He thinks that I analyze him too much (guilty ) and that he knows himself and doesn't need anyone to tell him what to do. He has been more understanding today. I was willing to do what he wants and he's willing to do what it takes for us to move forward. I admire him so much. I'm proud of both us right now, to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 He doesn't want to go because he knows the MC will somehow come up with some "conclusion" that it was his fault for cheating. Can't blame the man for refusing to go. There are other ways though...... That's what I'm trying to tell him isn't the case. I want us to be able to relate to each other better and understand how to move forward. I can't blame him for refusing to go, but I just told him if he hates it and it's not working for us, we don't have to go back or we can find a new counselor. I said in my last post, I really think we both need IC more than MC right now. He has a lot of issues I haven't mentioned here on LS. He had to deal with more in his life before he turned 30 than most people do in a lifetime. He's been married twice before me and has child he never sees. I met him when he was separated, and he divorced two months before we got engaged. I was too naive at the time to realize he needed more time to heal from his previous relationships. Things carry over, and he's the type to not deal with them other than just "close that chapter" and move on. That's why he wants to "close the chapter" on my affair and move on, but this time, because he loves me so much, the emotions are impossible to ignore. He's realizing he has to live with doubts of my faithfulness and visions of me with another man. He's doing better than most husband would do given this situation, but it does scare me because I see his anger once in a while, but I've seen it for years. It surfaces when we get in arguments and then it goes away for a while. No matter what, I'm going to love this man. I know his heart. I know he's worth fighting for. If he decides one day he can't live with what I've done, I'll be heartbroken, but that will be his choice. I told him he always has that choice. I can only hope for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 Individual counseling is usually the way to implement things into the right direction. You both deserve the right to air your sides privately so when you get into Marriage counseling you have the tools to communicate effectively. I admire the fact that you are willing to go the extra mile to rekindle the marriage vows and take positive actions. AN objective third party who has heard it all before can shed light on the dynamics and strengths you will need to overcome past concerns. As my counselor said, sometimes even a well made car needs a tune up This is what I told my H! I told him we are doing the right things and our marriage is getting stronger, but we could still benefit from extra help and insight. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Since he has issues apparently unrelated to your M, suggest that he get counseling for that while you attend IC. FWIW, our psychologist firmly put the 'responsibility' for my EA in my court. He was very consistent about that. My exW had her issues, and our M had its issues, but the EA was my issue and mine alone. A good MC knows how to separate out the issues and encourage the parties to take responsibility and 'own' them. Re-iterating, my advice is for separate IC at this time. Do a month of weekly sessions, then schedule one MC session to interview with the counselor. I'd suggest a psychologist who specializes in recovering marriages from infidelity. See how it goes. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneyAmazed Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 He's been married twice before me and has child he never sees. I met him when he was separated, and he divorced two months before we got engaged. He's realizing he has to live with doubts of my faithfulness and visions of me with another man. :eek::o:o Yep, I'm his third wife! It's a long story. We've been through a lot! His other marriages were quick, like one year a piece when he was young. We've made it 11 years. No one else cheated on him though. His visions of me with xOM are normal...for now. I think I worded that wrong in my post. I don't mean he has to live with doubts and visions of me forever! He said he really doesn't doubt my faithfulness, but he said his mind goes there...as to be expected. He said if he really doubted me he wouldn't be with me now. I think my post was worded wrong. sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 An endearing friend of mine said: I don't doubt my husband after his indiscretion, I am now filled with facts that he is capable of it. I don't doubt that he is loving, for he loved another. I don't doubt that he is dedicated for he dedicated much time to that relations. I don't doubt his faithfullness for he was faithful to another.What I do doubt is that this makes for a good foundation to recover from.... Is your foundation still there? Ask him as well...it may be the precursor for recovering from this matter.... Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Yep, I'm his third wife! It's a long story. We've been through a lot! His other marriages were quick, like one year a piece when he was young. We've made it 11 years. No one else cheated on him though. His visions of me with xOM are normal...for now. I think I worded that wrong in my post. I don't mean he has to live with doubts and visions of me forever! He said he really doesn't doubt my faithfulness, but he said his mind goes there...as to be expected. He said if he really doubted me he wouldn't be with me now. I think my post was worded wrong. sorry And to think, you put those thoughts there! Those thoughts will be with him for the rest of his life! That's something you're going to have to live with for the rest of your life! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneyAmazed Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 And to think, you put those thoughts there! Those thoughts will be with him for the rest of his life! That's something you're going to have to live with for the rest of your life! I don't have to live with it the rest of my life. Sure, I'll think about it but I don't condemn myself anymore. No good in beating myself up anymore. I have a lot of faith in my H and me. We are making serious changes and it's changing our lives. If I continue to feel guilty and ashamed, we won't move forward. I have one life to live and it won't be dedicated to regrets. We are both dedicated to building a happier marriage than we had before. Better communication and making sacrifices now that we weren't willing to make before are helping us more that I ever imagined. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneyAmazed Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 An endearing friend of mine said: I don't doubt my husband after his indiscretion, I am now filled with facts that he is capable of it. I don't doubt that he is loving, for he loved another. I don't doubt that he is dedicated for he dedicated much time to that relations. I don't doubt his faithfullness for he was faithful to another.What I do doubt is that this makes for a good foundation to recover from.... Is your foundation still there? Ask him as well...it may be the precursor for recovering from this matter.... The foundation is definitely there. He knows I love him. What I learned from all this is I want to be with my H more than anyone in world. I know he is the love of my life. I was so screwed up last year. My head is on straight now and I'm appreciating everything I have. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 The foundation is definitely there. He knows I love him. What I learned from all this is I want to be with my H more than anyone in world. I know he is the love of my life. I was so screwed up last year. My head is on straight now and I'm appreciating everything I have. Janey, I and my FWS went to MC, but it was too soon for ME! I was not ready. I was still sorting out my feelings regarding his affair and could not do MC. I could not focus on my marriage until I had come to terms about his affair. All of which is normal. I waited another 6 months before I attended MC. But I did go to IC, and so did he. And that helped us both a lot! When we got to MC, I and he too, were in a much better place and were more than ready to be there. Maybe that is what your husband needs to do to. And no therapist will ever blame anyone for anything! But in MC, the marriage is the client, and as there is no perfect marriage, both partners can be challenged on different issues to improve the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Also be aware MC is NOT a silver bullet, it isn't for everyone. My wife and I are currently attending, and it is the second kick at the can for MC. I personally hold little if any stock in it. I think it is a crock of ___. It has not been helping (well except for putting a deck on our therapists house). Link to post Share on other sites
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