Boss and me

[Suzy]

My 31 yr old boss had a minor heart attack. During this period, I covered his duties and visited him often in hospital to keep him updated about work. We kind of get close emotionally and mentally. Unconciously, I was drawn to him and he was attracted to me as he flatters me in front of his colleagues so much so that they think that we are close. I knew about this only recently. But we had not openly declared our feelings. I dare not as I am married, though my marriage lack intimacy, it is comfortable and I am not sure if it is love or lust between my boss and myself. I am 29 yr old.

 

It is difficult to carry on this pretext with my boss. How can I know about his real feelings - by talking it out but it is up to bring up this subject. Furthermore, my boss frequents pubs and loves to drink...slightly alcoholic and he carrys a condom in his wallet...all this makes me think twice about his character. Would he carry on with his habit after he get married? At work, sometimes, I caught him staring at me openly. When talking to me, his eyes move about on my body. Once during a after work drink session, he brushes his groin firmly on my buttocks as I was sitting on a high stool with my back was facing him. Though the pub was dark and noisy, out of the corner of my eye, I know it's him and he knows that I know too.

 

My boss is possessive about me too. He is still single. But I am not impressed with his work attitude as when he gets too drunk and could not be punctual/absent from work, I have to cover his work for him. But he still get promoted because he has good PR skills and connections with the top management. To be true, I feel more aroused by him and thinks about him a lot nowadays. It is affecting my already bland relationship with hubby.

 

Could you kindly advise what can I do about my situation? How can I cope with his advances? I love my career very much.I do not wish to jeopardise my career because I mishandle my feelings. My brains tell me what is right to do but my heart declares otherwise. I do not want to make a wrong move. Thanks for listening and helping me.

[Tony T]

Listen to your brains here. One thing you don't want to do is totally screw up your job standing by having an affair with your alcoholic boss who carries a condom in his wallet so he is always prepared to conquer a fellow drunk.

 

The dude had a heart attack, so obviously he has a diseased heart. People with heart problems who are also prone to excesses of alcohol have a death wish. This guy is not going to live very long if he continues to drink heavilly. And why would you even want to be around something like that anyway?

 

If you have no interest in your marriage and have tried everything in your power to work it out, I suggest you take some action there. Hopefully, there is some hope that you can heal your marriage and make it work. If not, get out.

 

If you decide to get out of your marriage, take some time so you don't make another mistake in the romance department. You don't seem to take time to analyze situations carefully. Go with your brain when it seems appropriate. When your brain says it's a go, then let your heart enter the picture and top things off.

 

Life gives us enough problems to work out on a daily basis without going out of our way to make more. Getting involved with your boss will create problems in your life you have never even dreamed of.

[Suzy]

Dear Tony,

 

Thanks for your prompt response. It is great to know someone cares to give a neutral opinion.

 

I would be working under my boss directly for the next 1.5 yrs at least. I started out wanting to help him as I think it is a waste of him throwing away his intellect potential like that, not knowing that stronger feelings would be stirred in the process. I had played with fire and I was wrong to have led him on initially.The chemistry between us is mysteriously strong.He can read my mind better than my hubby. He is physically and mentally attractive but emotionally draining because of his drinking habit.

 

1) Is it too late to stop?

 

2) Would he think I am playing games/feelings with him?

 

3) What damage control measures can I take now that I have gotten out of my daze?

 

4) Could you advise me how to handle our relationship from now on?

 

5) Would he be unhappy with me if I refuse to go along with his advances?

 

6) What can I do if he gives me a bad performance appraisal if I refuse to response to his advances by using his authority?

 

7) What can I do to make our boss/subordinate working relationship a trusting and supportive one without the love/lust component?

 

8) Can I continue to help him realise that he is alcoholic and that he needs to seek medical help. But he needs to admit that he has this drink problem first. He has a big ego and is very stubborn.

 

9) Can I tell him a white lie : that I had managed to revive my marriage relations after working on it so that he will get the cue to back out.

 

I do cherish him as a mentor.

 

Thanks for your time. Appreciate your help from the bottom of my heart. I am still rational, trying hard though.

Listen to your brains here. One thing you don't want to do is totally screw up your job standing by having an affair with your alcoholic boss who carries a condom in his wallet so he is always prepared to conquer a fellow drunk.

 

The dude had a heart attack, so obviously he has a diseased heart. People with heart problems who are also prone to excesses of alcohol have a death wish. This guy is not going to live very long if he continues to drink heavilly. And why would you even want to be around something like that anyway? If you have no interest in your marriage and have tried everything in your power to work it out, I suggest you take some action there. Hopefully, there is some hope that you can heal your marriage and make it work. If not, get out.

 

If you decide to get out of your marriage, take some time so you don't make another mistake in the romance department. You don't seem to take time to analyze situations carefully. Go with your brain when it seems appropriate. When your brain says it's a go, then let your heart enter the picture and top things off. Life gives us enough problems to work out on a daily basis without going out of our way to make more. Getting involved with your boss will create problems in your life you have never even dreamed of.

[Tony T]

) Is it too late to stop?

 

What do you mean here??? You have the rest of your life to live so you have to stop everything sometime. STOP NOW and cut your losses.

 

2) Would he think I am playing games/feelings with him?

 

No, you need to tell him directly that you have given this a lot of thought and while you are quite fond of him, this is not the direction you want your life to go at this time. Make it clear that you AREN'T PLAYING GAMES!!!

 

3) What damage control measures can I take now that I have gotten out of my daze?

 

You need to realize the mistake you have made, learn from it, and move on. You have learned that actions have consequences. That's why you need to look at things carefully before you act in the future. Stay friendly with him, but no more leading on and no more flirting. Don't worry about damage. Just go from this point forward and make the changes you need to. Remember, you are a married woman. What kind of damage can you cause to another man who knows you are married?

 

4) Could you advise me how to handle our relationship from now on?

 

Keep it 20 percent friendly and 80 percent business. That's what I would advise any person to do in the workplace. What is going on between you and your boss is against Federal labor laws and, frankly, if he retaliates in any way against you because you are pulling away from this affair, he and the company are liable for real and punitive damages for sexual harassment in a court of law. I am not an attorney but I know those to be facts.

 

5) Would he be unhappy with me if I refuse to go along with his advances?

 

You are not in charge of his happiness. You are also not in charge of inflating his ego. Enforce your boundaries. You are at work to earn a living and make money to pay your bills, NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT to fulfill your boss' sexual fantasies.

 

6) What can I do if he gives me a bad performance appraisal if I refuse to response to his advances by using his authority?

 

In that case, let him know in very straightforward language that you know your performance has been exemplary and you feel certain this unsatisfactory evaluation is due to your pulling away from him personally. Let him know that your attorney will be contacting him and the company unless he modifies the performance appraisal to more accurately reflect how well you've actually been doing. You are going to have to begin performing really well at work because if he is a lowlife like I think, he will certainly and stupidly use the job performance evaluation as one means of retaliation. What a jerk!!!

 

7) What can I do to make our boss/subordinate working relationship a trusting and supportive one without the love/lust component?

 

You just need to be friendly and stand firm against any more flirtations and advancements. If he persists, have your attorney write him a letter personally stating that any more of this love/lust stuff in the workplace will be considered as grounds for a lawsuit against him personally and the company. You have got to be STRONG here. Don't do this unless he persists in the behavior. Unfortunately, you encouraged it in the beginning and that was WRONG. But once you have served him notice that the advances are no longer desired or welcome, then he is legally and civilly bound to cease, in my opinion...I am not an attorney.

 

8) Can I continue to help him realise that he is alcoholic and that he needs to seek medical help. But he needs to admit that he has this drink problem first. He has a big ego and is very stubborn.

 

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. You are in NO WAY responsible for this man or any other man's personal life, except your husband's to whatever extent you mutually agreed prior to your marriage. Why do you want to get involved with other people's lives? You were given a life to live to its fullest and you need to concentrate on that. Help others to whatever extent you can when they ASK for it, but don't go out into the world trying to change or help others recover from what you perceive as their problems. Other people's stuff is simply none of your business...and, unless invited to do so, STAY OUT OF THEIR BUSINESS!!! Don't worry about them.

 

9) Can I tell him a white lie : that I had managed to revive my marriage relations after working on it so that he will get the cue to back out.

 

Not only do I think you should tell him that, but I think you should start trying to revive your marriage. You really need some help in getting your thoughts and priorities together. You can complicate the hell out of the only life you will ever get on this planet by carrying on like you have been. Get yourself together and start working on your personal life, your marital status, your emotions, your goals, what you want out of life, etc. Take a week off, go someplace all by yourself, and spend that time just making notes on the changes you need to make to live your own life more fully and happilly...then take YOUR OWN ADVICE!!!

 

I do cherish him as a mentor.

 

YUK!!! this guy is a drunken, perverted bum who could make your life into a nightmare. Please find another mentor. Ask for a transfer to another area of the company. You need to learn new things anyway.

[Suzy]

I want to tell you that your answers are timely and indeed would save me from ruining my life in terms of career and family.

 

To answer your question of why I want to help him get rid of his drinking problem is :

 

1) If he is sober, he can perform better at work. Work would be delegated in time to me so that I can work more efficiently. Instead of work to be done only passed to me at the eleventh hour and I got to rush against tight deadlines like in the past. If my boss do well, I would do well too as we're in the same ship(in my opinion), otherwise people may think that as his subordinate, I am not a good performer.Initially, I argue with him as we had different work ethics and mgt style. I am direct where work is concerned as I feel the pressure to do well and I cannot understand why he is so carefree and often proscrastinate when he is the boss.

 

2) Basically, I tend to pity people who I care for that are in bad shape..worse like in this case, he got potential to shine. I would think that I am fortunate that God had not let me into bad company hence I am not alcoholic like him.

 

I am sober enough to judge what is good for myself hence I should help those who are less fortunate.

 

3) He is rather influential in my organisation. I am concerned about my work performance, hence I strive to do my best in my work. If I can help him, my career would be in place too. I realise that he is afraid that I would discover that he not only drink but drinks heavily. Hence, when I am on duty, he works diligently. But when I am off duty, he is usually not around. Hence, I thought he would listen to me if I persist in helping him to seek medical attention to cure his disease. Alcohol controls the brain. Yet it is the brains that he needs to use to stop drinking. Base on this helpless point, I want to help.He helps me by highlighting to top mgt that I perform my job well though I had to struggle to do his work due to his lack of supervision at times.

 

I would follow your advice regarding the balance between friends/work relationship. Things are not so serious to involve the legal aspect. I cannot get a transfer to other department. By right, I am supposed to transfer to another dept but as I had mentioned he is influential enough to get the top to transfer me to his dept instead. No worries, I think he is sensitive and educated enough to understand my body language. I must be very tactful though not to offend him.

 

Tony, you really can empathize with lost souls like me. It is good that you are firm in your advice as our brains tend to be drugged and intoxicated by love/lust and hence we lose our ability to do what is good for ourselves.

 

You take care too as you are handling toxic people like us so often. I will be strong, same to you. I would not let you down. Your time is well-spent with me. I intend to spend my time working on my marriage and also to contribute back to society by helping the youth in my country through the youth association. Thanks so much again, my parents would be glad to know that I have met a kind soul like you.I do not wish to hurt them, in fact, I married my hubby because my dad approved of him and think that we should get married. He is a nice but boring hubby who is a "Yes" man. I have to learn to appreciate him rather than subject myself to abusive men out there. Cannot be helped what's done cannot be undone, in this case, the problem seems to be too insignificant to justify for a divorce, rite?

 

Wish U good health and life!

[Tony T]

Well, you seem to have enough insight into this situation now to make good, rational decisions for yourself.

 

Your motives for keeping this man sober seem justified, however I pray to God that I will never work at any place where I have to assist my boss with medical, psychological and addiction problems in order to assure my own success.

 

As long as it doesn't take too much out of you, it seems that you are caring for this guy's problems in order to assure you continued success so if it serves that purpose, go for it.

 

As far as pitying people, you will drain every bit of energy in your being if you go through life feeling sorry for every person out there with problems. But if it makes you happy, that's all that counts.