WaW avoids divorce...

[Grr]

Not posted my story as it seems to be the same as most regarding walk away wives.. ie typical "ILYB" and "dont like what you turned into" type statements, I am not without fault and giving her due, upon reflection, I too didnt like "what id turned into".

I had become totally ignorant and prognastic about married life and all its responsibilities and turned my attention to "addictive" video games (im happy to report that ive given all that up since walk away). I had become very grumpy to the kids and the wife etc.

This is probably the straw that broke the camels back so to speak, it probably would have been fine but i was doing it instead of looking for job as id been made redundant a year previous, not wanting to pass the buck but i was depressed about it but did nothing about it.

 

Since walkaway ive done all the classic "crying" "pursuing" "begging" and "i love you" stuff, but being internet savvy i trawled and discovered DB and LS. I instantly adopted the "Last resort Techniques" and "180's" but had my backslides also.

 

Most of my problem lately, and i can only put it down to emotional stress is, irrational thinking, or "catostrophising" which causes anger and "backslides".

 

180s are limited as is NC as the daughter still lives here and have yet to go solo on the financial front, sadly this is because we have a joint bank account and as the work im currently doing is so volatile in the amount it pays per week (soon be full time though), and the bills mortgage etc come from the joint account.

 

I have accepted now (hard at first as im very materialistic)that we could probably end up divorced and things would need splitting etc.

 

In fact i have accepted most of the probable outcome but refuse to lie down.. as the title of my thread dictates the few times that the issue of divorce has arisen she seems to come up with a reason to avoid it "it would be costly etc (she knows money is tight), i told her i am very soon removing my name from the joint account as my money wont be going into it.. also "this could be avoided and i just open a solo account" she would say.

 

So, My Dilemma is this, is she feeding crumbs and keeping me on the "back burner" or, and this could be the wise but irrational thinking of is she also being materialistic and wants to file when she is ready.

 

Half of me wants to lawyer up and file, but mixed feelings and experience from reading so many posts on here are holding me back. (I do want to reconcile i might add at this point).

 

I have had the "i want to know if im sure" statements and the "i think it would be best if we move on" comments, all backed up more than once every time i backslid from a 180. but principle 32 of the 180's kicks in here (believe nothing of what you hear and 50% of what you see), I am continuing my 180's and NC will be a total option soon. but rather than both of us struggle, sometimes i just wanna be "cruel to be kind" and get a divorce..

 

Part of me believes and even the Aunt she now resides with has said to me " for whatever reason you went to a dark place and she has given you a huge kick in the nuts", i hang on to this in the hope that it may be just that, but i feel more and more emptiness from her whenever we meet.

 

Met 1998, Married May 2008, Bombshell December 2010.

Edited February 26, 2011 by Grr
new at this!!

[Yasuandio]

Do all the research necessary to find out if there is an OM. IMO I'd do this covertly, if it were me. But sometimes you can see in your spouses face when you ask them a direct question. This method pretty much shows your hand, and if she's lying, she will be watching her back. Making it difficult to get evidence.

 

If she says there is NO OTHER MAN, and she's telling the truth, it could be viewed as a "how could you ever ask that" question situation! Followed by a "what kind of person do you think I am? response. Then you are in the jerk catagory (big baby, paranoid for nothing, possessive, immediatly suspitious and assuming that SHE is doing something wrong!!). Fact is she could say the same thing and be lying.

 

Just find out on your own through cell phone, email, and computer records. If I found something covertly, thru observation, I would want to learn everything about the cheater's lying techniques and methods, while I'm collecting evidence. Hope this helps.

[Grr]

Thanks for a your reply, I have already been in the "jerk" situation and asked outright, I wonder if this is one of the first responses of all 'LBS'?

 

Very active texting and "FB" use before she walked gave me the suspicions too, her FB use is now very limited.

 

She of course denied it so I dropped it like a hot brick for fear of pushing her away, the only cell phone statement i looked at was not very forthcoming as she has always been a very active texter and it had more than one cell number many times if that makes sense. With us being apart now and me not knowing her work schedule (shift work with different days off and start/finishing times) and my own work is fixed for the large part it is very difficult to get any successful snooping done.

 

Without getting the help of somebody else ( cant afford a P.I.) im at a loss as to how to pursue that avenue, Ive also often thought that even with OM in the picture there would be very little I could do about it, but at least it would give me some direction in pursuing divorce or not. Although i would like to blow an affair out of the water if only to save a possible 'other' marriage she may be helping to destroy.

 

I would have to discover for myself first my feelings towards any infidelity there may be as ive been guilty of the same during the early stages of our relationship (long before marriage and never during).

 

I do think im clutching at straws now and all hope is lost, but for the sake of my stepkids whom i love dearly and everything we have built i would like to know that i at least tried to rescue my marriage.

 

Regards

 

Grr