I don't know how to be single again.

[fetish]

If you've read my last 2 threads, me and my finace (now ex) just broke up 2 weeks ago. We've been together for the last 8 years. We got to the point where we were eachother's best friend. I got to be in to work so much, that i didn't even try to meet other friends, and any spare time i had, I'd spend it with her. We went everywhere together: movies, clubs, parks, beach, museums, malls, etc.

 

We broke up about 2 weeks ago. During the relationship ,like any man, there were times when i'd wish i was single so i could go out and party, meet diffferent girls, and what not. Now that i'm single again, I feel terrible for ever even thought that. It's like everywhere i go, I'm haunted by memories of her because we have memories of almost every square inch of the city. I don't know how to approach women anymore, and now i have no guy friends to hang out with, I find myself going places alone. It's almost like I'm a fish out of water without her.

 

I don't plan on trying to get her back because we broke up because i stepped up to her about her gambling problem. She's the type of person who doesn't like to be advised on what to do but she doesn't have a problem advising me on what she wants. It just led to crazy fights. But still i miss her like crazy and am trying to move on. Does anyone know how to meet friends and single people? Being out of the dating game for so long, i'm out of my element now.

[Rose T]

Hi Fetish, i hear ya! I broke up with my ex of five years almost three months ago, and I live in a foreign country, so no family over here, and I didn't really have many friends left after the long relationship. I'm a girl so some of my suggestions might be a bit different for you but I'm sure you can use your imagination lol!! This is what I've been doing...

1. Find a friend, any friend...

I had ONE person I could call after the break-up, a former flat mate Danny, who luckily for me was very cool and quite laid back about the fact that I just popped up again and asked him if I could hang out. He took me out to meet his friends even though we hadn't spoken in three years and for the first few weeks after the break-up, his circle was an absolute life saver. But I soon realised that I couldn't get by with just one friend plus his mates lol and so I started my next plan...

 

2. Get a wing man / woman

In my city there are expat events, some of them are pretty sad, I have to say, but I stuck it out, went to a few different things, and 2 months after the break-up finally met a really cool girl at one of them (I'm female by the way!) ... she turned out to be the wing woman that I needed! Now you'll have to feel out the best place to find a wing man, maybe in a bar or at the gym, I guess you'll have some good ideas! It was another important piece of the puzzle anyway - finding someone of the same sex who is single and enjoys going out to potentially meet people. It also meant I didn't have to call Danny and his mates literally every night and tag along with them - if you find a wing man / woman you can shape your nights out and come up with your own suggestions. It's been fun.

 

3. Broaden your horizons

Lots of people will tell you to take up hobbies and I think it's a brilliant idea, although I haven't had the energy to go there yet... One thing I do do, is go to the first nights of art exhibitions, there are a lot in my city and I'm actually learning a bit about art as well as mingling with a different but interesting crowd. In the spring I might tackle a new hobby or night class...

 

4. Open up your dating pool

A bit like number three, I realised that there are so many places you can meet new people, you have to kind of be out there. I've been going to church, this was a bit of a random one for me but I'm actually meeting friends of both sexes there and it feels like a nice supportive environment after my nasty break-up. I've actually given my phone number out there more times than in bars lol!! More friendships than anything but it's all welcome!

 

5. Use work

While getting into a relationship with a colleague might be a bad idea, if you don't have many friends in that city, you can still use your colleagues to find dates. I have a good friend at work who seems to be making it her mission to introduce me to her friends outside the office. Nothing yet but you never know!

 

6. Be more extrovert, enjoy being with people and SLOW down

I've stopped rushing because I don't have to get home to see my guy in the evenings.. It's been wierd but one of the best things I came up with. When my mechanic was fixing my Vespa the other evening and was running late, instead of saying I'd come back later, I got us both a coffee, sat down in his workshop and found out his life story while he mended my bike. At the hairdressers or in the deli, I stop and chat to people I know. Same thing in my condominium, at work, even in the street. Be nice to EVERYONE. Sounds crazy and of course you don't have to be a total doormat, but just get into the habit of being pleasant around people and asking them about their lives. I'm sure you do that anyway, I didn't when I was in a relationship!! I just ran from one situation to the next living in this little bubble and thankfully that's all changing now.

 

Anyway, I'm not dating again but my world has really opened up and I have a (short) list of new friends and many more acquaintances in my neighbourhood. Sounds like a really small thing but 12 weeks ago I didn't have any of this and it's really helped the transition to being single again. Finally, if you're like me, you might be hating your apartment at the moment for what it represents - well try and enjoy having your own space and treating it as you want. Eventually you'll want to invite people over but in the interim it's actually nice living selfishly. YOu don't have to go out every night - I realised that when I could be happy staying in again, appreciating my own space, that was also a big step to healing.

[willowthewisp]

Hi, I was quite lucky in a way because when my ex of nearly 20 years left I moved back home with family and I still had school friends living here who had been friends throughout my 20 year relationship. I also went back to uni and so made a lot of new friends quickly.

 

However, there are other ways. Are you in the UK or the US? If you are in the US I've heard good things about meetup.com, local groups, photography clubs, sports clubs, reading groups etc that might be one way.

 

How about taking a night class? I also like Roses' church idea if that is your thing?

 

Again I'm a women, so maybe it is a bit different for men?

 

What about joining a sports club/team, footy or hockey or something, a few beers after, bit of male bonding?

 

As for dating, well when you are ready there are dating sites, but wait until you feel ready because there are a lot of time wasters and there can be a lot of rejection which would not be easy to handle when you are vulnerable, not easy to handle at the best of times but definately not when you are going through this emotional rollarcoaster.

[BelieveInUs]

The three websites that I would recommend are:

 

www.OKCupid.com

 

www.Match.com

 

www.Meetup.com

 

These three websites should help boost up your single life again. I am 41 and I am going to be 42 this May 16, 2011. I am in the same boat you are in. Hang in there. If you believe in Hope and Love, then you will have no problem a new Love. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. Take care.

 

Sincerely,

 

 

 

BelieveInUs

 

One of the Man

[fetish]

thanks guys for being there for me during my pain. Those are some great links. It's just i kind of have all kinds of things going on in my head like: It'll be a while before i find someone who i'd consider marrying again, I'll never start a family, I'm getting older and don't even have one kid yet. I'm 30 years old btw.

 

Maybe i'm worrying about all the wrong things, it's just we were together for a long time and she left her imprint in my life. Right now, i don't see myself with anyone else. I hope this is temporary because the thought kind of brings a sickness to my stomach. Plus she keeps sending me breadcrumbs text messages. It's hard to get her out of my mind.

[roman_pavluchenko]

man i know exactly how you feel. I went to a party yesterday and a party the day before with the intentions of metting new women/hooking up. First party, all i could think about was what she was doing (was meant to go to a party where she was but figured that would be bad) Second party, was at a house i had been to before with her, where we sat on a bean-bag for 4 hours just talking, it destroyed my mind

[fetish]

She texted me and said she was getting some mail. She came by when i wasn't home and got some mail and a few more of her clothes and shoes. She doens't really have much left but a bed, TV, and some paperwork. I guess i didn't realize she didn't really have much to begin with.

 

Why am i still in pain? It's been 16 days since our b/u and i still miss her. Even though she was a problem and i know the b/u was necessary, i'm still hurting. I just can't picture myself with anyone else right now and it makes me sick to my stomach. Everytime i go N/C, she sends me a breadcrumb text and my dumbutt falls for them everytime and will respond like a day or 2 later.

 

What's wrong with me? I feel like i'm going crazy! I can't focus. I have a job interview this week and really don't want to blow it behind this.

Edited February 28, 2011 by fetish

[Rose T]

16 days is early days, I'm afraid. you're still in the eye of the storm Fetish, I'm sorry, but you're still going to have to ride out some big waves...

 

I do know how you feel - I felt like I was brain-damaged for the first six weeks after the break-up, so many emotions, desire to get back together, the attempt at moving forward, no contact, loads of contact, wanting anything to take away the pain, not believing what was happening, hating, loving, despairing. Cycling through all the stages of grief and back again, sometimes all in one day. Try and take things one step at a time; your job interview is an important focus. Be kind to yourself as well and be prepared to write off the first month emotionally, just get through it. Healing is a slow process but you will get there.

[fetish]

16 days is early days, I'm afraid. you're still in the eye of the storm Fetish, I'm sorry, but you're still going to have to ride out some big waves...

 

I do know how you feel - I felt like I was brain-damaged for the first six weeks after the break-up, so many emotions, desire to get back together, the attempt at moving forward, no contact, loads of contact, wanting anything to take away the pain, not believing what was happening, hating, loving, despairing. Cycling through all the stages of grief and back again, sometimes all in one day. Try and take things one step at a time; your job interview is an important focus. Be kind to yourself as well and be prepared to write off the first month emotionally, just get through it. Healing is a slow process but you will get there.

 

Thanks RoseT. So you're saying there's more painful days to come? I would've hoped by 6 weeks after the b/u, it would be easier. But i guess i'm finding that after almost 3 weeks, it still hurts, probably worse than week 1. I thought the roughest part would be the first 2 weeks!

[Rose T]

Well, I came out of a 5 year relationship at the start of December and lost the whole of the month really to feeling awful. Everyone needs different amounts of time, but it's ok to feel lousy for a month or so I would say, particularly after a long relationship. January I was still pretty raw but February's been better. I'm all over the place with this no contact stuff though... hope you do better than I do. I'm aiming to start dating again after four months. Just a random target I've set myself. See how it goes.

[curiousnycgirl]

My break up, after being together 6 years, was September 14th - and I only went to my first party last week. I cried for the better part of the first 4 months as I began to get my life back together. My family were being total jerk offs, my friends were long gone as they had their own lives and/or didn't like my ex and had left me high and dry years ago when I stayed with him.

 

While I was crying I did not even realize that I was also building a new life with new friends. It only took one simple decision to make that happen, I returned to some of the things that were important to me before I met my ex and even years before that to help get my head centered. Through these activities I began meeting people that had commone interests - not for dating, but as friends. They are my new support system.

 

Is there something that you feel might help you heal, that you haven't done in a long time? Do you go to a church? Do you enjoy theater? The symphony, ballet? WWF? Hike, bike, jog, motorcross?

 

Whatever it is - join a group where there is a participatory element that will allow you to get to know others and them to know you. Stop focussing on dating and just focus on you and your interests.

 

Yes it's been 16 days, Hooray for you you've made it this far - WOOHOO, but it is still early days. You've got a bit of a road ahead of you. How long that road will be is different for everyone - but we will be here for you if you need us.

 

Best of luck to you.

[fetish]

Thanks curousnycgiirl,

 

I probably will be needing you guys because i hate this pain. I know its something everyone goes through but women must be some strong spiecies. They go through this alot and get through it.

 

Men tend to not get involved emotionally and usually end up hurting the woman who has invested feelings. In my case, I started off protecting my feelings from her and she was such a good friend and helped me bring out my emotion. When i began to show compassion, she even still was a good friend for years but later, she slowly started slipping. She started complaining about everything that i didn't do perfect: drive a certain way, make enough $, have sex often enough, just anything. Then she started going to gamerooms and casinos and losing $. She got mad when I'd say something about it. I finally gave her an ultimatum and told her unlless she put a limit/ control on her gambling, we are not going to work out. We mutually agreed to break up because it was obvious she wasn't trying to control her urges and continue to sink us both in the hole. I was always having to pick up the pieces. She's an addict, simple and plain.

 

Now alot of women get hurt by the men they love when they cheat on them. I'm going through this much pain and there really appears that there wasn't any cheating involved. I'm not ruling it out as a possibility but she gave no indication of someone else, she was just focused on the casino/gameroom. One night, i even went to the gameroom to see if she was there and her car was indeed parked there. After about 1pm, she and her gambling girlfriend came out.

 

I can only imagine how broken i would be if it were another man involved.

[curiousnycgirl]

Hey Fetish -

 

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you - the site was down this am, then I actually had to go to meetings in person, so I was not on line. I tried to PM you, but you don't appear to have that option yet - dude you need to post more!!!!

 

Yes the hurting stinks more than words can describe - doesn't really matter the cause, gambling, cheating - the very fact that something got between you and the one you love is just so awful.

 

But now is the time for you to concentrate on YOU. Yes she did you wrong, and you need to keep reminding yourself of that so you remain strong in your resolve that she is NOT the one for you. You deserve better than that. You deserve a woman who will appreciate you for all the many wonderful things you do and give - not berate you for the perceived short comings. We all deserve that!

 

So tell me - what have you done for you today?! And hey PM me if you can!!!

[fetish]

hey curiousnycgirl, thank you again for your support. You're right, i do need to post more.

 

I'm trying to move on but she keeps coming by and slowly moving more of her things out of the apartment and the emptiness of the apartment stings to my heart. We had a video collection and I saw she had cleared out all the videos she bought. I found a box in the living room that she left with her things in it and I found about 15 DVDs that I know i bought. I took them out and hid them under the couch so she wouldnt find them when she came back for it.

 

I texted her the other night and asked if she wanted to have one final talk. I needed some closure and to talk about her leaving the key to the apartment car note, other things. She called me and we talked for a little while. She said she moved out becasue the night before when we got into the argument, i was talking like i was going to move out. She said that there was a chance we could've rekindled the relationship but since i had gone N/C and not replying to her texts, she decided that i wasn't trying and let the b/u go on a long time. She said she had plans on taking me out to dinner the week after we broke up ( the week of valentines day). She also mentioned that she still wants to have a relationship and still even have sex. She asked me if i had met anyone and i told her i'm not ready to move on right now after an 8 year long relationship. She said the same. She mentioned she went to the club a couple of times but got into comparing other guys to me saying they don't measure up. She also mentioned she got her bonus check and that's what she was planning on using for our wedding. She said she's only gone to the gameroom once since our breakup and still said she doesn't have a gambling problem.

 

I didn't feel like chasing after her and begging her, especially when she moved out so abruptly and didn't even acknowledge how she disrespected me about my talks about her gambling. I did my begging the last few months when i was begging her and telling how i thought her habit was coming in between us. She never wanted to listen to me and continued taking me for granted and doing what she wanted to do. My take is, just because she hasn't gone gambling as much, that still doesn't mean that she doesn't have a gambling problem. I can count the number of times she'd overdraft her account, not save, take $ out of our joint account to go gambling with over the last couple of years. Just the problem wasn't to the point where we lost everythng doesn't mean she didn't have a problem. She's in debt to her eyeballs in student loans and things and never tried to save. We bought a Dave Ramsey CD on how to manage money and she showed no interest in it. I was always the one asking her when we were going to start listening to it. I got so tired of asking her, i just had started listening to it by myself.

 

Even though she severly hurt me and disrespected me, I still love her. Yes, I still love an addict and didn't tell her to go to hell. I'm not hoping for us to get back together because i know it wouldn't be long before she starts the same behavior and we'll be fighting about the same old thing again. She never wanted to be told what to do but she wouldn't have a problem telling me what to do. In any relationship, each person has to have some control over the other person. She told me what her limits were and i expected the same.

 

She wants to go out this weekend and hang out but that might be a detriment to my healing process. I'm still considering it though to remind her what she walked away from.

 

Sorry for the long post.

Edited March 2, 2011 by fetish

[fetish]

Well my ex finsihed moving out her things out of the apartment. Each time she took things out, my heart felt emptier and lonlier than the apartment. She called me the other day and said she still thinks we can have a relationship, but needs space right now to deal with her depression and things like that. I told her even if we did do that, it will never be the same relationship it once was because i'm more careful with my heart. I can't conitinue to go on these emotional roller coasters. One minute she's happy with me but as soon as we have a disagreement, all hell breaks lose and she'll thow a temper tandrum and walk out. It seems like she might be bi-polar. Her mom was diagnosed bipolar/schzo and i think she might have it too. I can't have someone walking in and out of my life everytime they get mad.

 

She wants to take me out this weekend and also mentioned she wants to have sex, I'm actually feeling it too because its been a month (2 weeks before our b/u. Part of me wants to do it because u still love her but i might be putting myself in a bad situation. I'm telling myself not to get emotions invovlved and keep her @ a distance.

 

Deep down inside, I wish we could have a relationship. On the other hand, she has too many issues: can't manage $, gambling, emotional drama, depression, temper tandrums, indecisiveness, and no boundaries. She always runs from problems or blows them off rather than trying to solve them, which led to our recent b/u. The good note is we always had fun together when we got along: vacations/ day trips, and more.

 

But for those reasons above, i no longer see us getting married and i see this b/u as a sign from God. Even if i take her back, she might behave for a little while, but she will eventually get back to flip flopping and taking me for granted again.

 

I'm @ a battle between my mind and my heart. My mind is telling me not to assoc w/ her on any level. She did me wrong once, she'll do it again and i'll be played like a yo-yo at her fingertips. But my heart is having trouble telling me no and wants some contact, just @ a distance.

 

I'm so confused.

[fetish]

Forgot to add:

 

 

When she was talking about we could still have a relationship, i even told her in that conversation that she may even want to try seeing other people. She said she doesn't want to try that and asked me why i was suggesting that, and if i was wanting to see other people. I told her, i'm taking this time to heal and work on myself and not interested in dating anyone else.

 

Anybody have any insight or thoughts to these last posts?

[fetish]

can anyone help me with this? any help would be appreciated

 

before this thread sinks down to the botom again?

[Rose T]

But for those reasons above, i no longer see us getting married and i see this b/u as a sign from God. Even if i take her back, she might behave for a little while, but she will eventually get back to flip flopping and taking me for granted again.

 

I'm @ a battle between my mind and my heart. My mind is telling me not to assoc w/ her on any level. She did me wrong once, she'll do it again and i'll be played like a yo-yo at her fingertips. But my heart is having trouble telling me no and wants some contact, just @ a distance.

 

I'm so confused.

 

 

Fetish. You're not going crazy. I know how much this hurts, I really do. Your ex has lied about the gambling before and even if she says she's not really going or won't go in the future, who knows what the truth is. Addicts lie. You weighed this up over a long period of time and you came to the right decision. You have to believe this, even in your darkest days.

 

You really tried, you know. I'm so sorry that today is the day she finished leaving the apartment, I truly know how awful that day feels but it is also the first day of the rest of your life. You did your best and you know, as you say above, that you can't go back, you can't marry this person. That's the bottom line. All the rest, I'm afraid, is heartache and healing.

 

You are going to keep wanting that contact for a while but since your relationship is over, any further contact, sex, meet-ups, will give you a moment's euphoria followed by another trough. If you do need to reach out and talk to her, don't beat yourself up about it, but be aware that it will interrupt the healing process.

 

You're also right not to date at the moment, give yourself time to get to know yourself, feel that space and channel all the energy you've been focussing outwards on your ex back on yourself. I think it's normal that she doesn't want to really date as well - I guess that exchange was about you both hurting, her worrying you might be moving onto someone else. I'm so sorry fetish, I feel your pain. Hang in there.

[fetish]

thanks alot RoseT, your words mean more to me than you know.

 

I don't get it, not bragging or anything, I'm actually a nice looking guy. 6" 2, slim. I consider myself pretty confident ususally but right now, my confidence is 0. It's almost like i was relying on her for it?

[Graceful]

I don't get it, not bragging or anything, I'm actually a nice looking guy. 6" 2, slim. I consider myself pretty confident ususally but right now, my confidence is 0. It's almost like i was relying on her for it?

Fetish,

It's not so much that you were relying on her for confidence, as much as you were consumed by her gambling problem, and it sounds like over time, less and less attention was being paid to your needs.

 

When you live with an addict of any kind (and gambling is an addiction), the other person is known as an enabler, you said so yourself, that you finally stood up to her, and she didn't like it. Most addicts do not like to be told what to do because there is deep seeded guilt, confusion, and helplessness to stop the addiction. In your final act of defiance to her, you broke off with her. That was a very strong and necessary move on your part, but it has put her in the uncomfortable position, once and for all, to confront her problem.

 

Will she confront it? It doesn't sound like it. Not yet. Therefore, you cannot, absolutely positively cannot, go back with her, see her, or allow her to try to manipulate you back. It will and can never work, you cannot live your life in dysfunction like that, and the only way she will get help is to get it on her own.

 

You lost yourself in the relationship b/c it revolved around her. It always does with an addict of any kind. So along with all the normal reasons you are in pain after a breakup and have to get used to being single, you are confronted with the fact that you lost yourself for a number of years, and have to find yourself again. This can only be accomplished if you keep NC and stay resolved with your decision. How desperate you must have been in the final analysis to know that you could not make the mistake of marrying her. Don't let the pain you're in cause you to make the mistake of letting her back into your life. That will just cause you more pain, and you'll have to keep starting over, and over, and over again. You've had 8 years to see her true colors, I think that should be enough.

 

No booty calls, please. That's just raunchy, don't cheapen what you had by having meaningless sex that will make you feel even worse, and cause you more pain. It's only been a short time for you. It took 8 years to get into this situation, it's going to take more than a few weeks to work your way out of it. Be patient with yourself. Hang in there. Take care.

[fetish]

thanks graceful. I may be a little slow but before the b/u, i never really thought to call her an addict. I will give her credit, she did try for a little while most of 2010 and sometimes would go 2 or 3 months w/out going to the casino, but that was only because we live in Houston TX where casinos are not permitted, and the nearest casino is in towns of Louisiana about 2 or 3 hours away.

 

As soon as her former college buddy, aka, former roomate told her about the underworld gamerooms that exist around town, it was over for me. I had already lost. She got to the point where she would stay out late after getting off work and not seeing me all day and go to the gamerooms for about an hour 1/2 to 2 hours everynight after she got off work, then would come home when i was getting ready to go to sleep or already asleep.

 

She called me this past monday and we talked. That was the 1st time she said she still would like to have a relationship.She told me that she only went to the casino once since our b/u 3 weeks ago, but what does that mean? Just because you don't go for a few weeks at a time doesn't mean you're not an addict right? She seems to have a hard time saying no to people and anytime her gambling buddy says jump she jumps. She has no boundaries and i think that's going to be her downfall. Me as her former fiance should not have had to compete with her gambling buddy or her gambling addiction alltogether. I guess she just can't help it. Her moving out was a way of showing me how fine she can do w/out me but how long will that last? She got a 1 bdr apt in the same complex as her gambling buddy. She's never been able to do anything on her own.

 

I guess this is a sign from god but it still hurts like hell. There was a time in our 8 years together when i was all that mattered to her, not gambling or her gambling buddy.

[Graceful]

Fetish,

Watching someone cave in to gambling must be a very upsetting experience, but it is an addiction, and the habits, behavior, and the way it affects the person and the person's loved one, is the exact same thing as with alcohol, drugs, you name it, it's an addiction that is insidious in the way it infiltrates the addicts' entire life and lifestyle.

 

You are right. The gambling is her focus. So she hangs with people who "approve" and "enable" her habit. She can't be friends with anyone that doesn't support her habit, just like a drug. So her "friend" has her caught up in this web of addictive behavior. She couldn't get to the casino, so the casino came to her, via the friend.

 

thanks graceful. I may be a little slow but before the b/u, i never really thought to call her an addict. I will give her credit, she did try for a little while most of 2010 and sometimes would go 2 or 3 months w/out going to the casino, but that was only because we live in Houston TX where casinos are not permitted, and the nearest casino is in towns of Louisiana about 2 or 3 hours away.

See what I mean. There is an organization called "Gamblers Anonymous" it works on the same principles as AA, that's how much of an addiction it is and that is how much support someone needs to kick it when it gets into this level. Gambling can ruin lives, it destroys people over time, once it gets out of control.

 

As soon as her former college buddy, aka, former roomate told her about the underworld gamerooms that exist around town, it was over for me. I had already lost. She got to the point where she would stay out late after getting off work and not seeing me all day and go to the gamerooms for about an hour 1/2 to 2 hours everynight after she got off work, then would come home when i was getting ready to go to sleep or already asleep.

See, you are already seeing how her actions were destructive to your relationship, out of control and how she put the gambling first. This is exactly the behavior gamblers exhibit, see how it's like drinking and drugs?

 

She called me this past monday and we talked. That was the 1st time she said she still would like to have a relationship.She told me that she only went to the casino once since our b/u 3 weeks ago, but what does that mean? Just because you don't go for a few weeks at a time doesn't mean you're not an addict right?

OMG, please, it means nothing. Sad to even think that she thinks it does, but that is a sign of addiction. She thinks just because she didn't go, she's okay. It means nothing if she is not in therapy, getting support and ADMITTING she has a PROBLEM. She isn't doing any of that. This is typical "I'm okay, see>" behavior because she is in denial. You know if you got back with her what would happen, don't you? And even if she "cut bacK" that's not enough!! She has to STOP. It's not an acceptable lifestyle, it is destructive on every level, you can't even consider it. Cold turkey.

 

She seems to have a hard time saying no to people and anytime her gambling buddy says jump she jumps. She has no boundaries and i think that's going to be her downfall. Me as her former fiance should not have had to compete with her gambling buddy or her gambling addiction alltogether. I guess she just can't help it.

All of this is textbook, right out of your own mouth. All of it. If you read up on addictive habits, you will see all of this.

 

Her moving out was a way of showing me how fine she can do w/out me but how long will that last? She got a 1 bdr apt in the same complex as her gambling buddy. She's never been able to do anything on her own.

This, too. And see who she moved close to? Her enabler. The buddy must be thrilled she moved close by, only further justifying the gambling lifestyle. This is what they do. They have to stick together in order to stay in denial and feel okay.

 

Of course it must hurt on all levels for you. Who wants to see someone they love(d) go down this path? Who wants to see someone throw their life away and put themselves in danger like this? That's very painful for you, I know, but if she does not take action to quit this habit, you have to see her as poison to you and just let go. And hope that eventually she will quit and get help. Until that happens, any type of relationship with her is unacceptable. Check Gamblers Anonymous on the web and see what it says. And maybe get some support for yourself. This is a very sad ending to your relationship, but you cannot, I repeat, you cannot take her back on any level, use her for a booty call or even see her. Do not go down that path, it will only make matters worse for you, and in the meantime, ride out the pain. Come here for support and know you are doing the right thing. So sorry, I really am. Take care.

[fetish]

Well, i went ahead and met up with her on Saturday. She took me to the movies and the first thing she said was that she misssed me. I told her i missed her too but she moved out, so things would be different. After the movie, she said she wanted to go to NYC to celebrate my b-day next month. She maintained and said she still wants a relationship. I told her that i didn't want to be hurt again. She said she understood. Later, she explained she moved out because she needed her own space to do some growing up. I suggested again she may want to see other people. She said she doesn't want to see other people and is not wanting to start over and invest feelings in someone else after she invested in me for 8 years. She said she just wants to start over with me and make Saturday our date night. BUT SHE MOVED HER STUFF OUT? SHE COULDNT TAKE THE HEAT WHEN I CONFRONTED HER OF HER SELFISH WAYS. So she wants to call all the shots on this whole thing! She told me she went shopping for furniture that day, so it's almost like she's trying to prove to me how well she's doing on her own.

 

When we talk about what led to the b/u, she still is failing to acknowledge the gambling and says i could have come at her different. But everytime i tried to come @ her civilized, she'd either shut down or blow up. She still throws things in my face about me not being a protector or showing enough concern in crisis situations, all to deflect the attention off her.

 

Anyway, she showed up looking really good and then she parked her car and went back to my place. Rosy T and Graceful, i know, i did something you both advised against. She asked me if i wanted to have sex. Well, i gave it to her hard. I was just wanting her to remember that part of it all and get the upper hand again. Plus, it had been a long time (since 2 weeks before the b/u, we were both horny!) We ended up having an okay night, but the next morning, i asked for my key back. She gave it to me. She then asked for her car keys back. I told her i'd give them to her later. My name is still cosigned to that car and I'm going to need a copy of that key unless she defaults.

 

I told myself not to harbor any feelings on this date. She's wanting a relationship and to still hang out. She said she wants to go to a romantic place we used to go to when we were together, just 25 miles outside of the city next weekend. This morning, she said that since she's been the one calling me, i would have to call her to go hang out. Now she's making this a power game. She said she's not going to call me anymore and wants me to initiate contact for this next outing.

 

The girl is gaming a little and wants me to chase after her. Just like she wanted me to chase after her as she was moving out. That's her way of validating that i still care about her. She told me earlier this week that she may have stayed if i tried harder by asking her to stay. I don't think i'll be calling her and i'm going to have to take it one day @ a time and go NC. She's a control freak and because of her, the relationship (or any contact we have) is at this point. I don't think i should chase after her when she gave up and moved out because she couldn't deal with the issues.

 

Any thoughts. Does it sound like her asking for the car key back was in retaliation of me asking for the house key back? Should i go into strict N/C? I wonder how it would be if i stopped making myself available, just like how i was doing at the beginnning of this break up.

Edited March 7, 2011 by fetish

[fetish]

??? Anyone ???

[curiousnycgirl]

fetish you know what the answer is -- if she doesn't see she has a problem, how on earth can she possibly fix it? The truth is you cannot possibly contemplate getting back together with this woman until she has several months of gamblers anonymous or equivelant type of program behind her.

 

Unless she has shown a true and honest acknowledgement of her problem and a willingness to fix it, then you cannot afford to tie your life to hers. Just keep asking yourself the following. very simple question - is this the example you would want in front of your children every day?

 

I'm sorry I know how much it hurts, I truly do. Keep focusing on you - because you are worth way more than she is at the moment.

 

Best, CNYCG