having a break

[Kerrie]

A couple of days ago I posted a message which focused on the emotional and financial problems caused by the mother of a child my boyfriend fathered when lied to (see nightmare ex) by a woman who has exposed him, his family and now me to an incredibly trashy world made up of people who just take, take take with no regard for how their selfishness may affect others.

 

As wrong as it is, I've allowed the situaiton to get out of control emotionally within me to the stage where I think I need a break to work out if I can take it on long term. After all, even though the child is not a result of even two people dating, the fact he has stuck around and been a weekend daddy as well as over compensate financially means he might as well have been married. I guess whether or not the childs mother lied to him is not the focus here and at least he has done the honourable thing.I would respect him less if he bolted like the other two dads have (she's lied to three men so far but only my guy stuck around so we take the other kids out too).

 

I feel terrible because my guy is incredible (too incredible really and jumps when this ex one night stand who has lied to three men so far to conceive children and stay on welfare needs bills paid etc..) and we really had something special for a long time. The whole situation has just worn me out and now I don't even feel that I have it in me to be the future step mum, netherlone the girlfriend of daddy hre and now.

 

Here is where I am sure I will get a few strong comments, and I am not coming from this intellectually but emotionally. I don't resent the child (that would be plain mean) but I've lost interest with the outings big time and find myself wishing her mum would move back overseas and that this could all be forgotten. It won't happen which is probably good because the intellectual side of me is disgusted that I could be so selfish.

 

Should I insist on this break for his sake as much as mine?

 

Is it really mean to sometimes wish the whole thing had never happened as there is a life involved here?

 

Based on the initial conception, and the fact that there never was a relationship so the child does not know what it is like to have mum and dad in the normal sense, are his obligations any different to those of a man who may have been married for years and had children in a relationship? (I suspect the response will be no!).

 

how do children from ex liaisons affect children of the new family, netherlone the wife of the poor bastard who has paid a fortune financially and emotionally?

 

Maybe I am just plain selfish and should get out of the situaiton for the childs sake. I have a feeling that is the closest to hate I've ever felt and it is directed toward this trashy selfish woman. Maybe my man needs to be with someone who can accept this (he says it took him six years to accept it and not let the resentment rule him and that I am expecting too much or myself.)

 

Any advice is appreciated. I think of what I would have said before experiencing this so please try and put yourselves in these shoes, although if I deserve a kick up the arse then don't hold back!

 

Thanks,

 

Kerrie

[Tony T]

I personally think your feelings are justified in every way.

 

I am assuming you have talked to your boyfriend and he has stated that he is committed to this child, to a lesser extent the other two children, and to the entire situation for a long period of time. I am also assuming there have been DNA tests to absolutely determine that he is the father of this one child since this woman apparently has many one night stands and there are probably many men who could be the father.

 

If your guy has stated to you that his financial and personal relationship with this child will not change...hense the contact with the mum will not change either...I think you will be driven to insanity if you don't leave the situation.

 

Unless there is some way you can personally make peace with the fact that this kid and mum will always be draining of money, time and emotion to your guy, you have no choice but to get out of the situation.

 

If you marry this man, you will be stuck in this whole drama for years to come. Work to resolve it or move on. I don't see a need to take a break from all this, unless it is a permanent one. I hope somehow you can work this out because your guy sounds very nice...but if you can't, you will always resent this situation no matter how nice the parties are. It is not selfishness on your part. I think your guy is going way overboard with his time and money myself. And that is a bit disrepsectful to you.

[Kerrie]

I personally think your feelings are justified in every way. I am assuming you have talked to your boyfriend and he has stated that he is committed to this child, to a lesser extent the other two children, and to the entire situation for a long period of time. I am also assuming there have been DNA tests to absolutely determine that he is the father of this one child since this woman apparently has many one night stands and there are probably many men who could be the father. If your guy has stated to you that his financial and personal relationship with this child will not change...hense the contact with the mum will not change either...I think you will be driven to insanity if you don't leave the situation.

 

Unless there is some way you can personally make peace with the fact that this kid and mum will always be draining of money, time and emotion to your guy, you have no choice but to get out of the situation. If you marry this man, you will be stuck in this whole drama for years to come. Work to resolve it or move on. I don't see a need to take a break from all this, unless it is a permanent one. I hope somehow you can work this out because your guy sounds very nice...but if you can't, you will always resent this situation no matter how nice the parties are. It is not selfishness on your part. I think your guy is going way overboard with his time and money myself. And that is a bit disrepsectful to you.

Thanks again Tony. You do give great advice, I suspect you've seen/felt a lot in your life to be so insightful and such a help to so many strangers. And no Tony, he has not had DNA tested as the girl does look a little like him. He has not so much said that he will not cut back contact and financial support, just that he resents the whole situation and even after seven years he doesn't get the warm fuzzy feeling dad's are meant to when visit day comes around. Then again, he hasn't said he will cut back on anything either, just that it is a ridiculous amount of money and not a day has gone past where he has not regretted ever meeting this woman in the first place. I feel bad pushing that bit.

 

Anyway, I've brought up the break and he is shattered. He says that he barely gets by dealing with this situation but he settled on accepting that he will never accept it, so he at least can understand where I am coming from. He also says that as bad as he feels for feeling this way, he has tolerated being a father, is still not comfortable with it - never enjoyed it - and that his feelings for me, the future we should be able to have and the real family he hopes we will have mean more to him than anything in the world. I think it shows so much more about him that he puts himself through the weekend kiddy stuff and financial draining when he naturally resents the whole thing.

 

I feel bad for him because since we've been honest with eachother as to how this is affecting each of us, it turns out that he still has a lot of resentment to Tracey (the one night stand who lied on purpose!) as he is the one who has suffered the most out of the two of them, whilst she has done nothing but prosper, scamming two more men on the way who, because they bolted, don't pay a cent. However, she does then qualify for more money from the government so at least her main goal is served.

 

It also turns out that, like most 21 year olds who were "tricked" into this situation, he has never been able to "relish" the time with any of the children, and feels whenever he visits that he is forced back into a nightmare he wished he could have long forgotten. As we both know, that isn't a real option as there is a little life involved here. I certainly would never say "that situation or me!". That just is not an option.

 

To put in context the affect on Tony (my guy), nobody in his current life - boss, workmates, even the counsellour he sees for work issues! - knows about the daughter. He is so embarressed of how trashy tracey is, his aunt and uncle waited at the local park when they first met the daughter. He was too embarressed for them to meet Tracey. Lucky too because she wound up moaning about needing more money! Sad she is such trash that he has to "hide" her, and consequently his daughters roots.

 

He says he is feeling the pressure of two lives but although he doesn't feel guilty as such, he feels it is his legal/moral obligation to visit and pay as much/often as he does. It just seems everyone is making compromises and changes to their lives to ease the reality for the daughter, except the woman who quite frankly should have gone to a sperm bank rather than tricking some poor kid (he was a kid when it happened) into fathering and being bled emotionally and financially for the rest of his life.

 

My question to the guys is - and please relly put yourself in the shoes not with the knowledge you know now, but as a yong 21 yr old: How would a one night stand with an aquaintance who, as you went to put the condom on told you that she was using contraceptive, and calls months later saying she is pregnant, affect you? Keep in mind he pays up to $150 a week every week in maintanence.(see nightmare ex around Aug 12th??? and thinking of break Aug 14th).

 

My question to the women: How would it affect you if you were me and you loved this guy but, due to all of this nightmare stuff, you and your guy couldn't afford to have kids, or if you did you would be suffering more financial hardship than this woman? Not too mention the huge amount of time and emotional energy that needs to be donated to this situation by two very busy people.

 

My question to everyone: Really, really think here. If you were tricked into this situation, would you feel that you morally and financially owed so much to this household? Would you resent the financial and emotional hardship placed on you? If visits were cut back, would that be wrong? obviously the natural reaction for most guys is to bolt, as that is exactly what the other two men she lied to have done. Do you think he owes exactly what is owed to a child who is the result of two people who were at least dating and were irresponsible?

 

I just wish I didn't love him so much. It would all be so easy then!

 

Thanks again,

 

Kerrie

[devon]

ya know i really really admire you, i could learn alot from someone like you, why? because if it had been me i would of left along time ago. in the past i have never been able to be with a guy who was still involved with his ex-via the kids, even if he hated her and she hated him. i always felt jealous and insecure and thought that they may get back together and didn't want to be reminded of the life they use to share. i know that that is a far cry from what your guy went through but still i do admire you. also, for taking on the responsibility of his child and the other two as well, that takes a big heart and it sure sounds like you have one. i don't blame you tho for the financial drain and the burden the others have had on both of you, there is probably alot of resentment towards them, but i'm sure neither of you show it, which is also admirable. he must be quite a guy to take the others with so they don't feel left out, that to me, is a true caring, kind person, even if his heart isn't in it. honestly i don't think either tho that he should pay her a cent, nada, nothing, not one red dime, why? because the 150. a week that he pays her for child support is suppose to go for rent, bill, food, clothes, school supplies, etc. if she think so little of the kids to not even care that they have their basic needs met then maybe they should be taken away from her. maybe someone should call child protection services and report her and they would get involved and maybe that would scare her alittle, or even report her to the welfare or housing program. something should be done tho for the sake of the kids growing up in that environment. does she love them? does she treat them good? does she show them love and attention and affection? i hope so if nothing else, but it dont' sound like it. if that is the only problem with you and your guy, i'd give it serious consideration before leaving him, he really sounds like a gem, how'd you feel if you had ended up with someone like the guys that ran and don't pay for the child? what a dog he/they are, chicken schmidt bastards, that what i think of guy who don't pay for their own kids, but your guy pays for his and the other, that is someone really unique that can do that. regardless of the resentment and anger he must feel, he still does it. he should not feel guilty tho if he quit taking the other two, but i think he should keep seeing his own daughter, and tell the ho as of sept. 1st i will no longer be able to help you with extras, i will give you child support as i have been doing, but i can and will no longer help with any extras, you are on your own, and then make him stick to it, make an agreement or something with each other so that will help him be stronger to resist her pushing him for money. i wish you so much luck and happiness, really i do, GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS, DEVON

Thanks again Tony. You do give great advice, I suspect you've seen/felt a lot in your life to be so insightful and such a help to so many strangers. And no Tony, he has not had DNA tested as the girl does look a little like him. He has not so much said that he will not cut back contact and financial support, just that he resents the whole situation and even after seven years he doesn't get the warm fuzzy feeling dad's are meant to when visit day comes around. Then again, he hasn't said he will cut back on anything either, just that it is a ridiculous amount of money and not a day has gone past where he has not regretted ever meeting this woman in the first place. I feel bad pushing that bit. Anyway, I've brought up the break and he is shattered. He says that he barely gets by dealing with this situation but he settled on accepting that he will never accept it, so he at least can understand where I am coming from. He also says that as bad as he feels for feeling this way, he has tolerated being a father, is still not comfortable with it - never enjoyed it - and that his feelings for me, the future we should be able to have and the real family he hopes we will have mean more to him than anything in the world. I think it shows so much more about him that he puts himself through the weekend kiddy stuff and financial draining when he naturally resents the whole thing. I feel bad for him because since we've been honest with eachother as to how this is affecting each of us, it turns out that he still has a lot of resentment to Tracey (the one night stand who lied on purpose!) as he is the one who has suffered the most out of the two of them, whilst she has done nothing but prosper, scamming two more men on the way who, because they bolted, don't pay a cent. However, she does then qualify for more money from the government so at least her main goal is served. It also turns out that, like most 21 year olds who were "tricked" into this situation, he has never been able to "relish" the time with any of the children, and feels whenever he visits that he is forced back into a nightmare he wished he could have long forgotten. As we both know, that isn't a real option as there is a little life involved here. I certainly would never say "that situation or me!". That just is not an option. To put in context the affect on Tony (my guy), nobody in his current life - boss, workmates, even the counsellour he sees for work issues! - knows about the daughter. He is so embarressed of how trashy tracey is, his aunt and uncle waited at the local park when they first met the daughter. He was too embarressed for them to meet Tracey. Lucky too because she wound up moaning about needing more money! Sad she is such trash that he has to "hide" her, and consequently his daughters roots. He says he is feeling the pressure of two lives but although he doesn't feel guilty as such, he feels it is his legal/moral obligation to visit and pay as much/often as he does. It just seems everyone is making compromises and changes to their lives to ease the reality for the daughter, except the woman who quite frankly should have gone to a sperm bank rather than tricking some poor kid (he was a kid when it happened) into fathering and being bled emotionally and financially for the rest of his life. My question to the guys is - and please relly put yourself in the shoes not with the knowledge you know now, but as a yong 21 yr old: How would a one night stand with an aquaintance who, as you went to put the condom on told you that she was using contraceptive, and calls months later saying she is pregnant, affect you? Keep in mind he pays up to $150 a week every week in maintanence.(see nightmare ex around Aug 12th??? and thinking of break Aug 14th). My question to the women: How would it affect you if you were me and you loved this guy but, due to all of this nightmare stuff, you and your guy couldn't afford to have kids, or if you did you would be suffering more financial hardship than this woman? Not too mention the huge amount of time and emotional energy that needs to be donated to this situation by two very busy people.

 

My question to everyone: Really, really think here. If you were tricked into this situation, would you feel that you morally and financially owed so much to this household? Would you resent the financial and emotional hardship placed on you? If visits were cut back, would that be wrong? obviously the natural reaction for most guys is to bolt, as that is exactly what the other two men she lied to have done. Do you think he owes exactly what is owed to a child who is the result of two people who were at least dating and were irresponsible? I just wish I didn't love him so much. It would all be so easy then! Thanks again, Kerrie

[Taressa]

You wrote:

How would a one night stand with an aquaintance who, as you went to put the condom on told you that she was using contraceptive, and calls months later saying she is pregnant, affect you?

I hate to defend anyone so trampy but it is possible she was on contraceptive and got pregnant... ask any ob/gyn and he'll recite the odds... the odds are rather slim but it's a possibility.

 

You wrote:

My question to the women: How would it affect you if you were me and you loved this guy but, due to all of this nightmare stuff, you and your guy couldn't afford to have kids, or if you did you would be suffering more financial hardship than this woman? Not too mention the huge amount of time and emotional energy that needs to be donated to this situation by two very busy people.

Despite a woman's lack of class and despite your personal financial goals, your husband owes the child support if its his child. Period. As far as your financial situation, you need to accept the fact that he will be paying big $$ every month OR you need to make the decision to get of the relationship. It's never going to be an enjoyable situation; decide if it's one you can accept and make peace with.

 

As for the time he devotes to the child and her mother, you are completely right in envying that time... it is disrespectful of the special bond you have with him. Talk with him about how you feel and what behavior you would feel appropriate with the ex-girlfriend and child. Set limits on what you will and will not accept and then let the boyfriend bear the weight of the consequences. His response will show you the importance he places on you.

 

My hope is that you can open the communication with your boyfriend gently. He may be doing what he has been taught is right. He's certainly caught in an awful situation and may need your help to climb out.

 

Good luck, Kerrie.

 

Time, strength, and patience.