My boyfriends ex-girlfriend is affecting our relationship

[bethbeatrice]

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months now. He is such a wonderful man and I am very in love with him. We rarely have any arguments with the exception of one. Both of us had very serious relationships before we met one another. I was in a relationship for 3 1/2 years and he was in one for 2 1/2. The problem is, his ex-girlfriend will not go away. She lives in another state and rarely sees him in person, but she calls several times a day. I know that she wants him back, or at least she wants someone to fall back on since her relationship with her new boyfriend didn't work out. My boyfriend and I have talked about this situation alot. I want him to stop talking to her but not resent me for it.

 

There have been times when his ex has called 5 times within two hours. It really hurts because I know that when I am not around, he talks to her. She knows all about me. He has even told her that he loves me, but at the same time, she tells him she hates me. She really wants him back. He no longer answers his phone when I am with him. So at least I don't have to listen to them talk. But it hurts that he talks to her at all. He mentions marriage and having children with me in the future. He always says he loves me. I just don't know why he feels the need to talk to her or even allow her to call a million times a day.

 

One other note that may explain my confusion. His ex is really odd. She cheated on him several times. Broke his jaw when she lost trivial persuit and she forbid him from hanging out with one of his closest friends.

 

Please give me some advice. I am really at the edge. Should I make him get rid of her? Why does he value her friendship so much? How can I deal with my feelings? I have never been jelous like this before..... thank you for responding.

 

`Beth

[dyermaker]

When you're in a relationship with a man, you should never force him to give up friends, especially female ones. Nevertheless, this is an exception. Their relationship is inappropriate, and he needs to come to that conclusion. I think it will be difficult to convince him to sever this connection; nonetheless, it's not unreasonable to be dissatisfied with it.

[bethbeatrice]

I agree with you about not asking him to give up friends. I would never do that if it wasnt' this situation. His best friend is a girl and I don't have any problems with her. She is a very fun and wonderful person. Many of his friends are female and I don't mind at all. He is okay with my male friends as well and we all hang out together. I just don't know how to deal with her. It really hurts.

[johan]

He's allowing her to walk all over the new boundaries you have in your relationship. Just like she walked all over the boundaries he failed to enforce when they were together. She probably represents his most shameful failure. He let her walk all over his ego and self-respect. And he can't see that she's still screwing him over. She's manipulating him again. He needs the self-respect that he let her take, and she's offering it so he'll fill her cold little void.

 

This isn't a sign that he doesn't love you enough. But that doesn't make what's going on right. Should you "make" him get rid of her? No, I don't think so. You don't want to be controlling like she was. That doesn't mean you have to hide your pain and confusion. He needs to come to his senses and cut her off all by himself. It's not really something you should have to ask him to do. It won't feel right to you if he just does it to appease you.

 

You say she's "odd"? Interesting way to put it, as if she's just a wacky, jaw-breaking, cheating, controlling, manipulative nut. I've known women just like her, but not quite as bad. I've dated them. Either I turn women into that or I attract them. I can't tell. It isn't something I brag about much.

[dyermaker]

Johan has it nailed, it's a modification of boundaries that I would never be comfortable with in a relationship. Don't suffer through this silently.

[bethbeatrice]

Johan, thank you so much. You have made alot of sense in your post. What he is doing isn't right. I know he loves me. I know he wants us to work. I saw him this morning. As usual, his ex called. He didn't answer and I just sat there. Then she called again about 45 min. later. I know that he cannot control whether or not she dials the phone, but it drives me mad. When the phone rings, gunshots go off in my head. I told him to pick up and tell her that he was with me and that he would talk to her later. He did it, and as you said, it didn't feel right. I wish he would want to tell her to leave him alone without me getting on his back. I find myself wanting to check out his phone history, but I am not a spy or a nosy person. I guess it would be nice to be a fly on the wall though. Thank you again.

[mommy78]

Sounds like his ex is a feisty one. If he has never hurt her (physically or mentally), maybe she was the "controlling" one in there relationship. If she was, it seems as if she's trying to control him still and he's letting her.

 

If your man really respected the way you feel, he wouldnt be talking to any of his ex's. No man should have anything to do with their ex (vice versa) if you are in a new relationship and claim to love him or her. But then again, the two of you have just starting dating and I'm not sure where you come from, but getting married so early in a relationship is pretty shocking from where I come from. I dont believe one can tell if that's the person you'll be spending the rest of your life with if you were only together for 6 months and having your ex involved.

 

Love is unconditional, you should have no other female or male involved. If he respects you, he know's he shouldnt have to talk to his ex. Why does one need to talk to an ex anyway? That's why their an "ex". Unless they have children together? If they do, the conversations should be only about the children. If he doesnt want to be with her then he doesnt need to talk to her. Have you told him that she is affecting your relationship? And if so, why hasnt he done anything to stop talking to her?

[bethbeatrice]

I know having an "ex" seems to mean that you are no longer connected to that person, however, I still talk to almost all of my ex's. I have never had a problem with my boyfriends ex's until now. In fact, I am friends with many of my past boyfriends ex's, as weird as that sounds. As far as marriage is concerned, I do not jump into things. It would be a while before any vows would be made but we do talk about it. I do believe that 6 months is enough time to fall in love. My parents were married after 6 months of dating and they are still together almost 40 years later. Actually, my whole family is that way. Back to his ex, I agree that something has to be done. I hope he will end ties with her. I have made it very clear that there is only so much that I can handle. I do not want to lose him, but I will not be hurt for the rest of my life either. I just want to look for a way to make it work before I cut the ties. He really is worth the effort. Besides his ex, he is near perfect. And no, he does not have any children and neither do I. Thank you for your thoughts!

[VictoriaMaude]

I thought I was the only one who felt the same way all of you who posted a message here do... I have a boyfriend who I have been with for 3 years now and for the last year and a half have tolerated his lies about his relationship that he's having with his ex. There may not be any sex involved, but there has been a lot of strong feelings and words shared between them - I've read their emails to one another - I had to. I felt he gave me no choice because I knew he was contacting her on a regular basis and whenever I confronted him about it he lied to me, instead of telling me the truth. Recently I've confronted him "once and for all" (so-to-speak) since I've been tolerating this for so long now... He admitted to having seen her several times and lied to me about it and emailing and calling her several times and lying to me about it yet he claims that it was all innocent and that he meant no harm to me but he never wanted me to get upset. It hurts more when you're lied to. At least it seems your boyfriend doesn't hide the fact that his ex calls him constantly. I want to trust my boyfriend but I just can't anymore and it's driven me nuts. I've come to the conclusion that the only way to resolve this problem was to confront him and give him the ultamatum - me or her! I am not one to make a boyfriend choose who he can and cannot be in contact with (etc.) but there has to be some place to draw the line. Recently my BFs ex inquired as to whether he still had her photos up on the wall... She knows all about me - he's (apparenlty told her that he loves me) yet she's got the nerve to ask such a question and then request that he email her pictures of himself!!! The whole situation is quote bizarre when you consider that the two of them broke up because there photos of an ex girlfriend on the wall that he refused to take down... Never makes sense does it? I wish you all the best - and hope you do not suffer or get hurt any further. I really liked Johan's message - well said. Life is just too short to play ridiculous games. My boyfriend's ex has completely ruined my relationship with him. Her constant emailing and almost nagging "how are you?" "i miss you..." and the two of them exchanging photos of themselves has just made this relationship WORTHLESS. If he cannot out of his own tell his ex to back off - that he is in a new relationship now then its just not worth it. He doesn't care about you enough and we all know we deserve better!!!

[bethbeatrice]

I am so sorry to know that you were hurt the way I was. My guy isn't lying, well, white ones maybe, but thats it. I was talking to a friend recently and she too is in a similar situation. I think these ex's are trying to play a game. I just don't understand why ex's are so hateful and mean at times. If you really love someone, then you want them to be happy. I have never come inbetween one of my ex's and their new girlfriends. Lets hope the ex's get lives and move on.

[VictoriaMaude]

Let's hope the ex's get lives and move on... CHEERS TO THAT!!! Let's hope... if not then we'll have to be the ones to move on 8-/

[priscilla]

I agree with mommy78 100%. There is no need for ex's, and if he knows how much it hurts you he should end it. I had a very similar situation, we went out a year. I was upset about it every time I knew he talked to her, but he continued the relationship. The thing was I reached a point that I couldn't take it anymore so I did ask him to make a decision. And, his decision was to stay in contact with her. So be carefull if you threaten him, he will resent you, but he needs to respect your feelings. Oh, we also went to a male shrink about this issue for an objective point of view, and the shrink said that he should get rid of her, that it could turn out to be a bad situation. I know, it all just really stinks. Good luck.