Signs of attraction or friendship? Out of my league?

[nezbo]

Hey everyone,

I'm currently into this girl in a huge way. On my mind 24/7, fantasizing about a future together and all that jazz.

 

We are giving each other some of the classic 'signs of attraction', and she obviously likes me, but I'm trying to figure out if its in a romantic way or not.

 

Heres the background:

We've worked together for over 2 years and have always got on really well and made each other laugh/smile a lot. We have both been in long term relationships the whole time, until quite recently we broke up with our partners. SHE was engaged to be married in feb, until 3 months ago her fiance cheated on her (Funny plot twist: I designed and printed her wedding invitations for her and was invited to the wedding along with my ex-partner). I was in a 2 year relationship (personality mismatch, needed out for a long time), we broke up 1 month ago... and curiously I am almost completely unaffected by this break up, probably because of my excitement about the developments which I am about to describe.. and additionally life is going really well and fullfilled in all other areas.

 

On the face of things I've always thought of this amazing woman as 'out of my league', but I'm not sure if that is true. We come from quite different backgrounds and scenes, I'm a drummer in a metal band (quite popular), casual pot smoker, social butterfly, arty person, she is a law graduate from a rich family, responsible, sensible, organized, high acheiving, intellectual. I'd say she's a fair bit 'higher class' than me, she is 5 years older than me (25yrs & 30yrs), earns more money, is better educated, but personality wise we get on incredibly, we share the same sense of humor, values, philosophies and ways of thinking on a lot of different issues. I think we are probably about even looks-wise.

 

We've been spending more and more time together since we broke up with our partners. I can tell she genuinely really likes spending time with me, she is always enthusiastic about the prospect, on one occasion she made a choice to leave other (also important) friends and hang out with me instead.

We definitely have a genuine connection. I've always really liked her, thought she was truly lovely, honest and beautiful person, exactly the kind of girl I want to be with, but while we were both in long term relationships I never allowed that thought to develop.

 

There are only a very small number of people she really lets into her life (about 5), and I am most definitley one of them, and I feel like I'm possibly nearing being the favorite. We are very open with one another, sharing quite deep and personal things with a great deal of trust and honesty.

 

I'm seeing a lot of the classic signs of attraction, we light up whenever we are around each other, all smiles, warm and lengthy eye contact. little compliments. She leans in towards me when we are talking, sometimes does cute little nervous things. There is a lot of warmth. Lately we've hung out alone together (drinks, ice cream etc), and at departing time we always seem to end up having a mutual hug. There is nothing sexually suggestive in our interactions, and I'm not sure whether I'd call any of it 'flirting', but consistently being very nice to each other.

 

Since her break-up she has been staying with friends/family and is planning to get a flat in town soon. I'm living with my parents but am also planning to move into town. At work I mentioned that I was looking at flats and she immediately said "we should go flatting together!" which I responded to with equal enthusiasm, so we've been actually looking at flats together, (note: she also made a little joke about sharing the same room) ... I am absolutely thrilled about the possibility of living with her... I'd love to be around her constantly.. I'm getting fuzzies thinking about it now.

 

ANYWAY!...

 

I'm extremely flattered by the fact she wants to live with me, she is a picky/careful/cautious/sensible person, has a number of living options... and she chose me.

 

I kinda feel like I need to talk to her about my feelings before going through with the living together thing, but at the same time perhaps I should just let it develop naturally into whatever it may.

 

In the past I've been the type to jump into things immediately, declare my love, sometimes come on too strong.... I always have this panicky thought "what if she makes a connection with someone else while Im taking my time?", but I've matured a bit and am trying to be more patient.

 

I've been trying not to come on too strong, not asking her out with me or talking to/texting/emailing her nearly as often as I want to. But I've been dropping some subtle hints, but nothing blatant or really flirty.

 

My main question would be.. could these 'signs' possibly just be signs that she likes me a lot as a friend, and not in a romantic way? Should I say how I feel or just let things play out? Of course I really want to tell her (and the whole world) how I feel, but it will really hurt if she doesnt reciprocate.

[allenmj]

By the post you made, its obvious you have a lot of respect for her, which is great.

 

Honestly, I'd print it out and hand it to her. Let the chips fall where they may. You do NOT want to move in with her without clearing the air first. The first time she brings a date home you'll be crushed.

 

Good luck!

[carhill]

OP, welcome to LS.

 

If you have woo, ask her on a date. You appear to have a lot of her on your mind and this can be the beginnings of pedestal building. Nip it in the bud. If you *feel* like taking her in your arms and kissing her, and I trust you know what that feeling is, better to ask her out properly and promptly and, as allenmj mentioned, let the chips fall where they may.

 

You have a 50/50 chance of success.

 

Question: Since you're currently a 'friend', how has her processing of her LTR ending been going? I ask because it's easy to end up being 'used' as a stepping stone to balance and an ultimate new partner (someone else) if the person isn't yet balanced emotionally, e.g 'ready' for a new relationship.

[nezbo]

Thanks for the replies allenmj and carhill

 

After browsing some of the threads I can tell I'm gonna be addicted to this forum, seems like a really good bunch of people

 

@ allenmj

Yeah I do have a huge amount of respect for her, which is why I wonder if shes 'out of my league'

As for your suggestion, I love the idea of laying all my cards on the table openly and honestly, and I've fantasized plenty about doing just that, but I really cant see myself being that bold (without the aid of alcohol at least, and of course thats not a good idea). I'm more the type to make small hints and watch for reciprocation.

 

@ Carhill

I'm not sure about the 'date' thing, I live in New Zealand and there isnt exactly a clear 'dating culture' here (especially in our agegroup). No-one here really uses the term 'dating', its more like 'hanging out' and 'hooking up' until you ask someone to commit to a relationship. How would you interpret the following? On friday I asked her if she would you like to go for a couple of Friday unwind drinks after work (just me and her) she obliged. we ended up spending 3 hours at the pub, with her leaving because she needed dinner.

 

so the next logical step of course would be asking her to go to dinner with me.. and I guess that would qualify as a 'date'?

 

about the LTR ending/stepping stone question. She is doing really well, extremely headstrong and optimistic. She is a very balanced person and has stabilized very quickly. Of course I cant sure that I'm not some kind of stepping stone, but she is such a direct and honest and good-hearted person that I cant imagine her intentionally 'using' or misleading anyone.

[nezbo]

Re: Date

But in saying that, theres nothing to stop me from asking her on a date, she would know what it means, & using the word date would clear up any possible ambiguity about the type of interest I have in her.

 

Edit:

Oh yes, plus another questionable issue is the short amount of time since my 2 year relationship breakup, If I were attempting to start something with her, only weeks after a big breakup could she perhaps think of me as insensitive/heartless/promiscuous? I have actually talked with this girl about my breakup and the fact that I'm coping so surprisingly well with it.

Edited February 27, 2011 by nezbo

[tonyp56]

OK, I could be wrong. But, if she had more than one living arrangement available, and she picked YOU, don't you think that is a big sign that she feels something?

 

Sit her down, tell her how you feel, and like others said, let the chips fall where they may. I bet, you'll be surprised she's feeling the same thing for you. If not, then you'll know whats what and know where to go from here. But first, stop thinking she's out of your league. LOL Love has no boundries except those that we put on ourselves!

 

It can be tricky, but I've found happiness from a long friendship (all together 13 years (she was married to my childhood friend and I was married to my first wife, so we were strictly friends until both of us got divorced), REALLY close for about 4 but still "just friends", and now, we are starting a romantic relationship... Its Going Great...) It does happen, and usually when you think they feel something, you are right... I was, but never wanted to push her away by pushing it. Until she kissed me four months ago!

[nezbo]

Okay, incase anyone wants closure on this story, I asked her out for dinner by email today.

heres her reply, and a further reply to my reply to her reply..

 

"do you mean a date dinner? Really really really flattered that you asked but i'm not really dateable right now. have to find myself again and all that **** and i consider you such a good friend, it could ruin that. totally keen to do a mates dinner sometime though if you'd like?

 

thanks for asking - very brave and i am totally flattered."

 

"don't worry about awkwardness, it was super cool that you asked - you are gorgeous, lovely, funny, intelligent and everything else I am stoked that you asked."

 

So clearly I was rejected. was having a bit of self-esteem problems and regretting asking afterwards, But I think I feel okay now, feels good to get that off my chest so now I can stop being infactuated, and start thinking clearly (and positively If I can) about the future again. Of course not a good idea to get a place together, we havent discussed that, but we will.

 

 

I think the issue maybe was.. the 'signs of attraction' was just my hopeful perception of her sincerity and genuine lovely, caring nature.

 

Thanks for your advice everyone. Even though rejection sux, should I tell myself it was the right thing to do?.. and to go for it again next time I feel that way about someone?

[NoMagicBullet]

Sorry about the rejection, but it was the right thing to do. After all, you never know unless you try! As lousy as rejection is, your situation is a lot clearer now -- you know that living together will be a very bad idea and to move past your infatuation with her.

 

Also, don't let you self esteem take a hit because things didn't turn out the way you had hoped. I think her very kind rejection letter proves:

1) She is the good person you think she is, so you have good taste in women.

2) She thinks you're a great guy (even if only as a friend), otherwise she wouldn't have written such a nice letter.

 

I think she was sincere in being very flattered by your offer of a dinner date, and it probably did her self esteem some good after having broken up with a cheating fiance. Even though you got a "no" on a date, it looks like she appreciated the offer and your courage to just ask her out.

 

Believe me, women do appreciate it when men are brave enough to ask them out. Preferably there would be no rejection, but the good women will decline graciously and politely -- like this woman did. Any woman who would purposely make you feel bad for asking her out wasn't worth it to begin with.

 

So yeah, you did a good thing. And yeah, go for it again next time!

 

Also, even if she only wants to remain friends, I'd bet she has even more respect for you for directly asking her on a date and would probably have tons of great things to say about you to any other female friends or acquaintances. Not that you might be ready to be considering other women right now, but just sayin'....

[nezbo]

Thanks =)

 

she sent me a nice lenghty email later on and I've been talking to her a lot since then and she has said some really nice things... and mentioned a few times it was 'bad timing'. The funny thing is, I actually feel a lot closer to her now after getting feelings off my chest, work isnt awkward at all (which I expected it might be) and we seem to be connecting a lot more, and I'm able to behave more honestly and transparently when I'm around her because I'm no longer trying to keep 'feelings' hidden. She asked me to go to lunch with her today, and out to the pub this weekend, so certainly hasnt backed off from me at all, pretty certain its not out of pity either.

 

So I'm actually really happy with how things are and hardly feel 'rejected' at all. Now that the initial embarrassment is over, I'm really glad I did it.

[nezbo]

Not sure if anyone is interested, but good things have happened here.

 

Since I asked her on a date and she said no, we've hung out together every weekend and spent heaps of time emailing each other at work and chatting online. Last time I asked, she still says she isnt 'dateable' but since then we've been making out, even secretly met for kisses at work this week hehe!

 

We are becoming really affectionate with each other and she is definitely becoming quite attached to me, she reciprocates all kinds of physical and verbal affection and she keeps inviting me places and accepting when I invite her places. Shes told me about someone else who is 'persuing' her, and that shes not interested. I'm just being easygoing, not putting any pressure on her or asking difficult questions about our status, not getting 'heavy' on her, but still being honest in expressing how I feel about her. its going incredibly well, every week we seem to have a more intimate bond.

 

We went out together last night and made out for seriously about 40 minutes straight. **** it was amazing!

 

I find it quite funny that she said no to a date but yet our everyday interactions are quickly (easily & naturally) becoming very romantic. Makes me wonder what she thinks the difference is between this and 'dating'. Far in the back of my mind I wonder if she sees us as a 'fling', but it really doesnt feel like it to me and I dont think she is much the type. Plus we are becoming so close in every way that I doubt she would be able to just cut it off after 'fling' length.

 

I'm really happy=)

thank you to the respondents here, I dont think I would've gone for it without your encouragement. I know to trust my romantic intuition in the future (but hopefully I wont need it again!)

Edited March 26, 2011 by nezbo

[funwithpaint]

Far in the back of my mind I wonder if she sees us as a 'fling', but it really doesnt feel like it to me and I dont think she is much the type. Plus we are becoming so close in every way that I doubt she would be able to just cut it off after 'fling' length.

 

 

Don't worry about that. Enjoy what you have and grow as a person. Worrying about things like that could create a self fulfilling prophecy.

[nezbo]

arrrgh! I need to vent here before I start acting irrationally and say something stupid to her.

 

I'm doing pretty well with the keeping cool and collective.

 

So Friday night was great, we were super close. We didnt see each other for the rest of the weekend but she txt me on Saturday and included calling me 'cutie' and with x's in the txts, so thats fine.

 

But yesterday (Sunday) she txt me once (with no x's or pet names) and we talked online (I waited for her to initiate talk for about 10mins, she didnt, so I did) for a short while, I sent her 'xx' and she didnt reciprocate, I didnt feel a lot of warmth. So now I feel distant from her again and its making my head go crazy.

 

Nothing at all could've possibly changed since Friday/Saturday but I'm reading into it and worrying and dwelling on it far too much.

 

I just vent this here so that I dont ruin my 'keeping cool' thing and start acting needy and desperate.

 

I'm at work today, she is here. I'm trying to resist the urge to initiate something (e.g. email affectionately or ask her to lunch or secret kiss meetings) because she hasnt reciprocated affection the last couple of times (just yesterday).

 

What I feel I need to do today is just let it be, some days are always more 'warm' with us than others. And I dont want to put her off with needyness/desperation. Maybe just wait for her to make the next move. I just wish I could shut my overactive brain off for the day!

[nezbo]

Yep, purely irrational thoughts. Sometimes I get into a weird anxious and doubtful headspace. She set my mind at ease online later last night, I even talked to her about what I was feeling like and why.... shes good like that, I can talk to her about all that kind of stuff and she cares, makes me feel better and still seems to be into me. And she had noticed that I was acting weird at work.

 

I guess that could potentially keep happening as long as we arent officially 'dating' or 'bf/gf' because I'll always feel like she could just take it all away in a second... so if I feel like the affection is dying down on her part, I start worrying it could be 'the end'. I feel like a bit of an affection addict right now, I'm not at all needy once a commitment has been established though.

 

I really need to stay cool, relaxed and positive. And I think I still do need to avoid the topic of our 'status' even though I really really want us to commit to each other somehow.

 

We are going to the movies and dinner this week... so thats pretty much a 'date' but just while carefully avoiding using that word!

Edited March 29, 2011 by nezbo

[RB123]

Fingers crossed for you. Your thoughts and emotions I can most certainly relate to and it is clear that you hold this girl in high regard and no doubt get on well with her.

 

It might seem a bit daunting but it might be worth the while taking her away for the weekend somewhere fun just to spend some quality time together and try to cement a relationship.. like camping maybe, kayaking or a themepark. That sort of thing. Provided you have a good time which in all likelihood you will, you can only go up in her estimations and that can't be a bad thing.

[nezbo]

Same girl - Change in situation. New thread - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t271416/