Am I being too picky???

[Sweets1919]

Hi, I'm hoping you can give me some opinions and advice. I am 30 years old and started seeing a guy a couple of weeks ago. He is 31, employed in a labour job (electrician), and he owns his house. He comes from a small town and I come from a city. I keep up on current events, he does not. I have a professional job and I moved to this city to have opportunities to meet people and eventually find someone special to have a family with.

 

I have been told before that I'm "too picky" when it comes to men, however I think I just never had the need to have a boyfriend all the time just for the sake of having one. I have always thought I chose wisely (at least they were right for me at the time).

 

This past week a few things have come up with this guy...what do you think?

 

-His 3 good friends in town have children out of wedlock with women that they are not in a relationship with...and don't regularly see the children.

-One friend of his repeatedly cheats on his gf, my guy knows about it, lies for him but tells me he thinks the friend should stop.

-My guy has a 9 yr old daughter who he has not seen in 8 years. He says the mother took her out of town and that he spent a fortune (10 thousand) on legal fees but still is not allowed to see the child. He said he can't afford to fight anymore and that it's not fair on the girl (daughter) to be fighting about her.

-He used what I would say is a racial slur when describing who installed his satellite at his house, however it wasn't even in an angry way. i think it's just the way he talks (he said "Chinam**")

-He is a bit uneducated it seems...asked me if Cambodia is in Africa, has poor grammar like "he don't care about her"

-Talks about how one of his friends got a girl "knocked up"

-we were making out and I said I didn't want to have sex and he said "what if I use a rubber?"

 

ALL of this has come up in the past 3 days. I have a university education and I am employed with the government. I know he and I have come from different backgrounds and that we are going to be different. Does it sound like I'm being a snob? Or am I recognizing inherent differences early on. You know, I 'd hate to have him at my parents' house and I go to the kitchen and he says something offensive to my mom or dad without even realizing it. I know I want to have a partner who I can talk to about my day etc. and I just don't know if I'd be able to have good conversations with him. It's only been 2 weeks but if I'm already having doubts, I'm not sure what I should do.

 

Thanks for any help!!

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by Sweets1919

Does it sound like I'm being a snob?

Yes.

 

And I'm not trying to hurt you. Regularly, I'd keep my opinions to myself, but you seem to recognize this. I honestly think that it's ALRIGHT for you to have high standards, but some of the things you said were a bit inconsequential. For example, I don't think you should hold his friend's actions against him. Additionally, Cambodia could be confused with "Cameroon", it sounds kind of African.

 

The guy doesn't sound like a champion, but I think you're a bit critical--not that that's inherently bad, just something that might limit your pool of romantic hopefuls. Additionally, I think my assumption that you're a bit of a snob comes from the WAY you describe it, not the things you were describing. Like, for instance, you censored "chinaman", I don't know, it's hard to explain. When you think someone's a snob, it's a prejudicial judgement--and I got snob vibes from you, I'm not neccessarily keen on explaining why, that's kinda the nature of prejudice.

[Sweets1919]

Thanks for the reply. I did censor out the "chinaman" because to me it is an offensive way to refer to someone. Maybe that's just me. I just didn't want to offend anyone who was reading this board by writing it.

 

The other thing is about his friends. I admire the fact that he has been honest (without me asking actually) about his friends' lives and their children. I guess it's just important to me to have quality (again, my judgement) friends, especially as I move into my 30s and want to settle into a nice homelife. And these are this guy's only friends..not just a couple of many. One of the guys who has come out with us the past two weeks has a wife and 3 kids at home but he is out till 4am. That concerns me that this is "normal" for him and his friends. The other friend picks up different girl every couple weekends and lies to his girlfriend. This also concerns me. I know it is not "my guy" doing this, but these friends are into drugs and drinking every weekend (all weekend). This is why I left my last city and came here, to settle down in a mature relationship, not a "let's go to the bar" every Friday and Saturday relationship and go home, have sex and I'll see you in a couple days relationship.

 

I think I am finally past my "guy" stage and I'm looking for a man. Maybe all of these comments I seemed concerned about just pointed out a bit of his lack of maturity (his last gf was ten years younger than him and they only broke up 5 months ago after a 2 yr relationship).

 

There are a lot of ways I can accept someone and I fully believe in compromise and learning from your partner. I just don't want to give up what I want for my life (a true partnership, someone who I can talk to about my life, someone who is self-aware and likes the same things I do). It's a delicate balance I know.

 

Thanks again for the reply

[dyermaker]

You might be a bit too judgmental for my tastes, but then again, I'm likely not mature enough to be considered a man. Anyway, don't settle for this guy--regardless of whether your assessments of him are correct, rational, or healthy--they DO exist, and it's unfair of you to continue a relationship with a man you look down on.

 

If you find that you're LOOKING for something wrong with people, that's unhealthy. But if you just seem to be finding crappy people, don't be afraid to throw a few back to the sea.

[Darkangelism]

dyer you are mature enough, for the most part, and i agree with what you said.

[Reckless]

I think the fact that you are asking the questions shows there is problem.

 

None of the things you asked about are insurmountable, obviously you come from different backgrounds and the difference in family and education throw up things but none of them are things are deal breakers. What is a deal breaker is you seem to have serious doubts as to whether you can accept the man as he is.

 

If you feel that a man cannot satisfy your basic needs for conversation, social interaction, intellectual stimulation, if you are offended by how he acts and speaks, the choices he makes, how you both communicate about sex and life as well as his friends, his politics and his past, it means you can't accept him the way he is and will eventually feel the need to try and 'change' him (which will cause hurt and resentment).

 

All couples are eventually influenced by each other and every family is a merging of two family cultures (some successfully cross cultural and even ethnic barriers) but if you are not... for want of another word 'delighted' by the man himself, then you cannot respect him. Love is great, respect is essential.

 

Everyone deserves to be loved and RESPECTED for who we are in a relationship, it sounds like you will have a hard time with this.

 

Being too 'picky' or a bit of a 'snob' is actually often just holding out for someone that's right for you. Differences in values, intelligence (NOT the same as education) and expectations are killers for relationships unless a couple is seriously compatible on many other levels so you are very right to be cautious.

 

I'd say, if you have a tendency to be 'rash' you might like to give this man and yourself a little more time but it seems that your gut is telling you that he's not the one for you and therein lies the answer to your questions.

 

Don't panic, you're only 30 I wish I were 30 again....

 

R.

[jmargel]

I wouldn't worry about what his FRIENDS do, since his friend are not him. I wouldn't worry too much about his grammar either. I graduated with a double major (neither are english majors) and I don't articulate my words or have great grammar. As for the racial slur, that's upto you. To me what he said wasn't bad, its not like he's in the KKK.

 

As for the daughter, unless there was an agreement of the custody of the child she needs to let him see her, unless he's not paying child support. I would be a little skeptical on his answer.

 

Anyway it does sound like you are picky. But why? You afraid of commitment, so you use this as an excuse? Perhaps your heart was broken in the past and you still have issues with that. I've always went with the feeling to NOT get into a relationship just to be in one. Not only does it waste your time, but while you are in it the right person for you just might walk on by.

[Sweets1919]

Thanks again for all your replies. I guess what it all comes down to is that I don't find myself as attracted to him as I thought I did when we first met and I really just think to myself that "this isn't the guy for me". I know it my heart that if I really liked this guy (or some other guy) I wouldn't care if he said "don't" instead of "doesn't" or what his friends do. My last boyfriend (2 years ago) was 6 years younger than me, got canned from every job he had (eventually), partied every weekend with his friends (leaving Sunday evening for me), his friends cheated on their girlfriends, there were rumours abound that my bf was bringing other girls home...and I still stayed with him through it all for 3 years (well, the rumours about the other girls came up in the last few months of the relationship). I loved him A LOT....we had a ton of fun and I learned a lot and grew a ton from the relationship. Overall, I learned what I do and do not want in a relationship. I was attracted to him, we had fun together. He had never even graduated high school and I didn't care. So it's not like i look at people and say "show me your resume, let's see how you measure up". If i feel it, he's kindhearted, and respectful, that is what matters to me.

 

I go by what I feel in my heart and with this new guy I don't have a lot of the "I'm so excited to see him" feelings, so I think I started thinking about things with my head, and the reality of how compatible we really are, especially if I have (what I consider) a lack of passion for him. I have not had sex in almost 2 years because I am waiting for someone special (after having sex for years with my ex) and this guy after two weeks saying "how bout if I use a rubber" was just a huge turnoff. I am trying to go about my relationships right by taking them slow, getting to know the people, and saving the sex till I'm more sure I actually want to be in a relationship with them.

 

I guess the final thing is that he has been telling me that he has made a huge change in his life. That he doesn't want to go out to the bar and party all weekend anymore, that he wants to make a change and find a good woman who can be his wife and who he can have kids with. He tells me that he thinks that woman is me and that I'm "perfect" for him. It's a bit scary because it's only been two weeks. I understand infatuation so I didn't go running, but this "change" only started last fall (Novemeber/December 2003) when his ex-girlfriend broke up with him and moved out (she was the one 10 yrs younger than him...basically the story is they started dating when she was 18, she gained independence, went to school, didn't like him staying out with the boys till midnight ...not coming home after work) and ended it. I wonder if this "change" he speaks so much about is not just a reaction to her leaving and not a realy change inside him. I wonder how long he can keep the "change" of being in a committed relationship where his is a partner, future husband and father who is there for his wife and kids (as he said he wants) if his only friends (whom he works with every day) are these bar flies, cheaters and not going home to their wife and kids. I would think it would be hard for him.

 

So, some more info for you all. I guess I'm trying to figure out what's behind my feelings. I know that it is not as simple as "snob" being the answer. Like I said, I don't care about the education, grammar, spelling etc. I don't care what kind of car he has (he doesn't have one right now) or the fact that his house is not a show home. Thanks again folks.

[sb8098]

i am picky too . From me I would say what are you wanting to do?. Where do you see this relationship/ companion ship leading itself to? . Are you mutually compatible? Good luck think with your head less with the heart.

[stupidcupid143]

i am picky myself, and i definitely understand where you're coming from. and no, i don't think you're being too judgmental. those doubts are quite reasonable if you ask me. i would love to bring home a guy whom i can be proud of to my parents, and not worry about whether they'll approve of him or not, or whether the guy will do something that will put me in an uncomfortable position.

 

if your gut instinct tells you something about this guy, then you should follow it. it's usually right anyways. if you think you're not going to be completely happy with this man down the road (and cannot accept him for the way he is), then you might as well end it now. you can save yourself with so much emotion and time (and probably money).

 

good luck.

[stupidcupid143]

btw, the china*** that the guy used is definitely a racial slur. the fact that he said it so nonchalantly is what bothered me the most. i take great offense in that. i am not chinese but i have a lot of friends that are. it's really sad to know that there are still way too many people who are just completely ignorant and insensitive about these kinds of things (thus, one more reason for you to not be with this guy).

[jmargel]

Sounds like you are probably best without him then. As for the racial slur, that's a whole other topic, but each to their own. I don't care if some black guy calls me a honky, everyone should be able to make fun of themselves, so its no big deal if I use the 'N' word non chantantly. Its not the word, but the way you use it.

 

People are way too politically correct nowadays. There are more important things in life to worry about then about someone calling another a name.

[tattoomytoe]

i do not think you are too picky...you know what you don't want and this dude has baggage that you do not want.

 

when you find a person you do like alot, i think you will be able to put up or deal with the things that may annoy you.

 

other wise enjoy your life, do not settle when you want something other.

[swtbonita]

I don't think you are too picky.. I would not go out with someone for the samme reasons you did.. people need to find someone they are proud to be with.. it seems like you are embarrassed by him, which is very understandable.

 

I would say find someone else because you need to find someone that suits you..

[stupidcupid143]

"I don't care if some black guy calls me a honky, everyone should be able to make fun of themselves, so its no big deal if I use the 'N' word non chantantly. Its not the word, but the way you use it. "

 

jmargel: you don't belong in the minority, so therefore, you will never understand its true impact. it's not about being politically correct, it's about using common sense. let's leave it at that.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by stupidcupid143

jmargel: you don't belong in the minority, so therefore, you will never understand its true impact. it's not about being politically correct, it's about using common sense. let's leave it at that.

 

As a Caucasisan, in my academic environment, I AM a minority. If you think that white people aren't slurred or made fun of, you're living in the past. You either let it bother you, or you don't.

[faux]

If you are unhappy with this man then perhaps he is not the right man for you. It does appear that you are quite picky, and that you are promoting yourself over him in many ways. Focus on what type of person he is, not what his friends do, and try not to compare your educations so much.

 

 

Originally posted by stupidcupid143

...jmargel: you don't belong in the minority, so therefore, you will never understand its true impact. it's not about being politically correct, it's about using common sense. let's leave it at that.

 

I think this is a very poor attitude to have. Everyone is discriminated against in some form, and caucasians are attacked every day. One could hold a rather good argument that whites are, in fact, a minority in the United States, if one really wanted to.

 

A person should not let words bother him. I have been called a "Polack" and "Dumb Pole" quite a few times, and quite a few worse things by non-whites. I see many others get sufficiently angry over racial comments, that they cause severe physical damage to those who say them. I find it odd that one justifies physical assault as a valid defense for being called a name. I believe that some people should stop acting foolish over "racial slurs", and focus on themselves.

 

An individual is an individual, and not a race. Such mob racial mentality lead to such things as the Ku Klux Klan.