Living together & friends coming over

[Els]

In lieu of the recent earthquake, the bf's friends' house is without electricity and internet (it's otherwise liveable, not damaged or dangerous, has water, etc). Yesterday, they called him up at 8am and asked to come over to our place; he told them he was on the way out to work but they could come. He specifically told them I would still be sleeping.

 

Well, they came at 8am and stayed all the way to 10pm. Not only that, but they didn't seem to try staying quiet even though they'd known I was sleeping. They didn't make an inordinate amount of rowdy noise, but watched movies and chatted constantly, and the living room is right next to the bedroom, with the walls being paper-thin. I heard every word and ended up with 2 hours of sleep.

 

Today, they asked to come over again. I'd had trouble sleeping again the previous night due to PMS insomnia, and I was banking on catching up in the afternoon. So I told bf no. I felt a little bad, but really, it was a warm day so the lack of power shouldn't be affecting them too much, and I'm sure internet wasn't such a huge necessity especially since they used ours all of yesterday. Also, if they'd wanted to come again, I did think they could've tried being quieter the last time they'd come and known I was sleeping, so I didn't trust them to be quiet even if they were asked this time.

 

Later today, bf said he felt bad about not helping them since they were victims of the earthquake. I told him that if their need had truly been that great, they could have checked into a motel, OR actually not treated our house like their own yesterday and not stayed for 14 hours and kept their noise down. He said he gets it, but I think he's still feeling down about it. There was one point during the discussion, before it was resolved by him saying he gets it, where he actually said, "I should have just said yes." THAT is still sticking into my craw. It's my house too, and I would never have put a friend's comfort above his unless the friend was literally homeless.

 

Reasonable? Unreasonable? PMS just making me a grouchy bitch?

[Pyro]

how well do you know his friends? Do you feel comfortable around them?

 

IMO all it would've taken was you going out and asking them nicely if they could keep the noise down because you are trying to sleep.

[Els]

I realize that I should've, the last time.

 

But that was over, and the choice remained whether to have them come or not. What if they had come and despite me urging them to keep the noise level down, they still did not do it satisfactorily (I dunno about them, but for me, when people say there's someone in the house sleeping, I automatically KNOW to keep the noise level down)? Would I have to eject them?

 

I don't know his friends very well. I'm okay with having the occasional meal or hangout with them but I'm not very close with them. And yes, to tell the truth, I don't like having people I don't know very well in OUR apartment for 14 hours straight.

 

He said that there was a colleague who might be homeless and might need shelter, and THAT I agreed to have, even though I still won't like it. I won't turn down a poor homeless soul.

 

Just to add, I suggested allowing them to come over for a couple hours after work tomorrow if they wanted to use the internet and other power utilities, so that he'd feel better, and he agreed. I'll stand by my offer, but I think I'll put my foot down if it starts becoming an everyday thing.

Edited February 27, 2011 by Elswyth

[Pyro]

I'm with you. The common courtesy kicks in when I am in someone elses home.

 

The fact that both of you pay the bills to stay there means that he should discuss things with you before allowing them to stay as long.

 

Would you have been OK with the idea of them being there for 14 hours a day had they been quiet?

[Els]

I wouldn't have liked it, but I guess I would have agreed if they hadn't kept me awake the day before.

 

He always asks me when people ask to come over 'for fun'. I guess he's all into the 'helping earthquake victims in need' etc, even though I wouldn't exactly consider them victims myself. He also didn't 'allow them to stay as long', though, he was working the entire time they were here. And I felt it'd be rude of me to eject them. I think they should have had the common sense not to stay for 14 hours when their own house is liveable.

 

He pays the majority of the bills due to the fact that he's working and I'm studying, but I do the majority of the chores.

[allina]

I think these are special circumstances. There was just a tragedy in the country, people want to be together, with power and comfort. A few nights of little sleep won't kill you, and you can't expect people to sit in silence. In my experience being welcoming to your SO's friends is very important. Trust me, his friends will pick up on the unwelcoming vibe and it will cause friction that just isn't worth it. I would make the best of it and hang out with them, welcome them and offer them something to eat.

[Els]

I was welcoming to them when they were here; the thing is that I knew if they came for another 14 hours, with my lack of sleep and PMS I would NOT be able to fake being welcoming anymore. I was literally subsisting on 2 hours' sleep in 48 hours. And that would definitely lead to friction everywhere. I would probably even argue with the bf, we came close the previous day.

 

I am curious how you think 'a few nights of little sleep won't kill me', but them going without internet and power would kill them? If they have anything urgent to do with the power and internet, they should do it without disrupting the host's sleep. If they really just want to chatter and watch movies for 14 hours, they should do it in their own home (they all live together anyway) or go to a cybercafe (there are plenty open).

 

Today that I've gotten decent sleep without people calling in at 8am, I messaged them offering to let them come after work, though...

Edited February 28, 2011 by Elswyth