Is there hope?

[Craig2425]

My wife and I have been spit up since oct 2010.

I left cause I was sick of not getting sex and instead of talking or trying to get help I just said it's over.

 

We've been together for 11 years and married for 5 of them.

As i said before I left cause I wasn't getting sex and she said I wasn't meeting her emotional needs.

Through out this 5 months I've asked for her back twice and she's said yes( after a bit a begging) but once I started talking I found out she rushed out and got a bf(both times) and it freaked me out so I said nevermind.

She's also begged for me back and I've been the one to say no ( she does this after I've asked for her).two weeks ago we hooked up and she begged for me back but still had this bf. I said no and that I shouldn't have come over or done this(this was on a Thursday). That Sunday I called her and agreed to talk about us and that I wanted to try but she suddenly changed her mind and said she's done and didn't mean the stuff she said to me. Of course I didn't and still don understand how she could say these things to me twos days before and when I agree she didn't mean any of it and doesn't want

Me.

 

The problem is that I don't want to be without her.

We've been through so much and I want her back.

We have a 3 year old little girl and I wish j could go back in time so I could have been more mature about the way I handled our problems.

 

I've told her that I'm sorry for leaving the way I did and not treating her the way she deserved to be treated. I begged for a week for her and she just said she's done and is 100% sure.

 

Do I have any hope at all or is this it?

I finally respected what she's asked of me and I'm leaving her alone. I haven't tried to contact her this weekend at all( hardest thing I've gone thru).

 

I feel horrible. I just want my wife and my family back. I feel like if I leave her Alone with this bf she is going to move on from me for sure but I don't know what else to do.

 

Yes I know that I brought this upon myself by not getting real help and just leaving the way I did.

I just hope I can change it before my divorce if finale( end of may).

 

Do I have any hope?

[willowthewisp]

Hi and welcome to LS, but sorry for the reason you are here.

 

I'd say you do have a chance, but you don't ave control over that chance. It sounds like your wife has jumped into a rebound because she was not getting her emotional needs met in the marriage, that is probably why there was no sex as well. There are some women who can have sex without emotion, but there are also many of us that need an emotional connection to have sex.

 

The only thing you can do is send your wife a hand written letter (don't email, text or call, all those things are quick and easy to do) a hand written letter sent in the mail is an unusal thing today and will stand out to her. Just tell her, without begging, pleading etc that you regret very deeply leaving and everything that has happened since. Tell her you love her, say that you think your relationship is worth fighting for and that you are willing to do that and go to marriage counselling. Tell her that you want your daughter to grow up in her family, with her parents and you want your child to know that realtionships take work, that people don't just throw in the towel when things get tough, that that is what love, committment and marriage is about.

 

Then just say that you totally understand if she is done, that you realise it will take a huge leap of faith to trust that you two can work this out and that you will respect her decision and leave her be.

 

Then you do the 180 (search for it on here).

 

That is all you can do. You do not have conrol over her choice, all you can do is be honest and then start the 180 and the process of rebuilding your life.

[Craig2425]

I've already sent an email saying some of that stuff, should I still send a hand written letter?

I don't have a computer anymore and the search isn't working on my phone. Where and what is this 180 thing you're talking about?

So pretty much I just wait and see if she comes back to me? How long do I wait?

I hate that she is seeing someone.

Thanks for the reply.

[willowthewisp]

Hi,

 

I can't find the 180 at the moment but I am sure someone will post it up for you on here. Otherwise you can look at the divorce busting website which is where it comes from. It basically tells you what to do and what not to do. The 180 involves goes against your gut instinct so it is very difficult to do, if you can though, you may have a chance MAY, like I said her choice is not in your control.

 

I don't want to get your hopes up but I will say although she has this new guy, they do not have the history you two have or share a child like you two do, it sounds very much like she is on the rebound. Maybe she is very hurt by what you did. I think it is positive that she asked you back twice already.

 

If you have already made it clear in the email that you wnat to work on the marriage, then no do not send a letter.

 

The thing is, you ask how long you wait? You don't. I hate having to tell you this, because I know how it feels when it has just happened and all you want is hope, but the hard thruth is that you have to do the 180 for you. If it brings her back then great, but if it doesn't you will have allowed yourself to move on by doing it.

 

It is so hard when you just want your life back, your family back, your partner back and you have to accept that you don't have any say in it, but you just have to take what you can, do what you can for you and hope she sees the changes and is willing to reconcile. I have seen the 180 work on here and I have seen it fail, but it's the only shot you have. Keep posting, it's weirdly quiet on here today, but you will get some great supprot and advice here from people who have been where you are and those that still are.

[Craig2425]

I'll check out that db site.

She has said some really mean stuff this last time when I told her I was willing to talk about us.

Like she didn't mean it,I broke her down and she thought it would just be easier.

It's so hard to just not contact her and try for her.

We've been thru so much and I really font think our problems are too bad. Yes there're serious but it's just we got too comfortable and didn't talk,let things get out of control.

Again thanks for the response.

[willowthewisp]

I know how you feel Craig, truely I do, but begging, pleading, it isn't going to work, I know because I did it to, it just doesn't work if the other person is unreasonable.

 

What really amazes me is that I know of people from here and in life who's spouse have done the most terrible, dispicable things to them and they still get back together, yet people like my ex and others will leave for no real reason at all, they have no idea what is out there and what could actually be awaiting them. For example, I know of one couple, his wife made up stories about being beaten and raped, lied to the police, then later in the realtionship cheated with a much younger man and he STILL took her back. It seems dreadfully unfair.

[Craig2425]

Man this is so hard.

She just called me about an hour ago because my daughter wanted to talk.

I was nice, seemed up beat didn't say anything about us and just spoke to my daughter.

I wanted to tell her how much I miss her and want her back.

This is only the second day of no contact and I'm dying.

[Craig2425]

We don't live together and haven't been together in 5 months now.

Our divorce will b final at the end of may.

 

We both keep doing this to each other.

I'll ask for her back then when she says let's talk I found out she has been seeing someone and I get scared. Then she will beg for me for a week or so then stop.

I have started to 180. My gut is telling me I should contact her and beg but so far I've stuck to this.

 

I know we are both at fault for letting this get out of hand but I feel responsible cause I just up and left without real help. Now my time is running out and to make matters worse there's another guy in the picture.

 

I feel that once this is final that's it.

[Craig2425]

Any help???

[Craig2425]

We have a kid. I left for the wrong reasons. Instead of getting help I just up and left and regret it.

[debtman]

Best thing you can do is stick to the 180 and go as NC as possible. My wife met OM 5 months ago after 10 years together and 2 young kids (4 and 6). I moved out, did 180 and LC and it was the hardest thing ever for the first two months or so. Lots of loneliness, bitterness, anger and resentment.

 

But, life is an amazing thing. I got through it by focusing on myself, exercising, meditating, getting into my old hobbies, trying some new ones, reconnecting with old friends, making new ones, leaning on my family a LOT and posting lots to LS.

 

My W is moving out of our house this weekend into a rental house and I get to move back into my house. I've been living with my parents and it's going to be fabulous to get my life started again. I've been more positive, confident and happy the last month or so than I have in a long time. And she sees that.

 

Tonight I called to say goodnight to the kids and she told me she had a long day of packing and moving and said it felt strange and it felt like I should be moving with them. Then she invited me over to dinner at the new house after they get settled. I said that would be nice, but I won't go. She made her decision. She has OM and she passed on me. I don't want to be her friend anymore because friends don't treat each other that way. Friends don't make selfish choices without trying every other solution. Friends don't give up on friends. None of my other friends would do that to me. She's not my friend. All she is to me now is the mother of my children.

 

She has a mean streak and is stubborn and insecure. She didn't learn anything from our relationship or her first marriage and I see the same pattern starting with OM (who is still married and has 2 kids of his own).

 

As far as the kids go. I don't get to spend as much time with them (2 days/week and most weekends), but, the time I do spend with them is JUST about us. We just play, talk and have fun. I don't have anything else that I have to do or that is "more important" than my time with them. I appreciate them more and they see that. I don't yell at them anymore and I'm much less frustrated in general. I hate them talking about things they do with OM, but I'm glad that he's nice to them and they like him. Eventually, I'll come to terms with that as well.

 

It's the hardest thing you'll ever go through, but, if she's not willing to work WITH you to make changes, to go to MC and IC and REALLY put in the time to re-build, you're better off and so is your daughter.

 

Take this as a learning opportunity. Think about what you can do next time to avoid this. Read through other posts on here and look at other people's stories and see how things change for them...

 

Good luck and keep posting!

[Craig2425]

Thanks debtman

 

The last time we spoke she told me that she's done and it has nothing to do with her being mad,upset,sad, or the other guy.

 

I guess if I was willing to try anything to make this work and she just say no screw her.

I'm not gonna lie i feel like crap.

I'm a total mess.

I just feel bad now cause our daughter .

Thanks for the replies. They help

[Craig2425]

Heard thru the grapevine that she is going away to river with the om for the weekend.

Guess it's time I move on. Was really Hoping things would work out but I can be disrespected anymore.

Now I'm just sorry for my kid that she won't have her family.

Well I can honestly say that I tried and was willing to do whatever it took. I hope my daughter will respect that later on in life.

 

Really crushed right now.

[Craig2425]

I can't believe that I'm still struggling with this. I know shes with someone and I can't believe that she would rather be with him thanked family.

 

I have girls I could date should I? I dunno what else to do to make this easier.

[debtman]

Sorry man, I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but there are some things that just remain difficult. I'm 5 months out from when she started her EA and 4 months from when it turned into a PA and I still have problems dealing with her being with someone else, switching her emotions, actions and entire lifestyle in the matter of a few weeks. I also still have problems dealing with the kids talking about him because I know they spend enough time with him that they've formed a bond with him. I know it's confusing to my 4-year old son because he sometimes calls me the OM's name. My 6-year old daughter has occasionally picked up on my changing of topics when OM is mentioned and she doesn't bring him up anymore.

 

Other than those things, life is really looking pretty damn good. I moved back into my house today, she left it a mess, left half her stuff here and I'm going to have to deal with her coming over to pick up the rest of her stuff for another few weeks, BUT, I've got my house, my dog & cat and a place for my kids to come where they feel secure and safe.

 

My neighbors are awesome and I love the house, even though it needs a LOT of work. I'm going to have to bust my a$$ for the next year until I finish up my debt payments (now that I have child support as well), but I know I can do anything I set my mind to.

 

My W has said numerous strange things over the past few weeks about me, what a great person I am, how much she's learned about me, etc. I don't know why, but I think it's a combination of the 180, LC and the fact that things may be getting "routine" with the OM.

 

Stick to your guns man, nothing you can do but work on yourself, be strong & confident...for YOU not for her...

 

Keep posting, it does get better. The hurt and anger ease up with time. You're in a temporary situation...

[Craig2425]

I know what the 180 is but what's the lc?

[uncool]

The fact that she's committing adultery while still married is a turn off all by it's self. You don't want that crap and you don't want your daughter to see that crap.

 

Even if you guys do get back together she will withhold sex from you even more guaranteed. Then you're gonna get even more frustrated. If she really loved you in the first place she'd actually want to have sex with you. It sounds like you have anger issues and act before you think... but if you get that cleared up there are plenty of other attractive women out there wanting to share their love with you.

[robf1971]

left half her stuff here ..

 

Box it up, put it in the front garden, ring her and tell her you've got till Saturday when the dustmen come.

[marqueemoon4]

im in a similar situation.. now that another guy is in the picture I'm sorry to say its not looking good. the only way there is any chance is if you back off, focus on yourself and your son and let go. putting up a big fight will do nothing. crying, begging, etc will definitely make matters worse and will make the OM look better. believe me, these are all the things I did and it accomplished nothing.

[debtman]

Box it up, put it in the front garden, ring her and tell her you've got till Saturday when the dustmen come.

 

Don't think I haven't thought about that, but, until we sign the separation/divorce agreement, I'm trying to stay as nice and pleasant as possible. Even after that, as part of the 180, I'll continue to be friendly towards her, remembering that I'm not friends with her. She is still the mother of my children and I will be tied to her, especially financially, for at least the next 18 years, so it's still in my best interest, and that of the kids, to be civil to her.

 

Plus, she's made several statements to me throughout all of this about how lucky she is to be going through this with someone as understanding and nice as I am, and, if she's ever going to feel regret or feel bad about the decisions she made, it will be because she will finally realize what a great guy I am. Besides, life is too short to create animosity in others and encouraging conflict will only cause me more stress, no matter how good it might feel as I throw her stuff out on the front lawn.

 

Thanks for the advice, but, I've made it this far being forgiving and understanding and I don't plan to change now. I'm trying to be the best example for my kids that I can and keep my life and experience as positive as possible.

 

Also, craig2425, LC is little contact, similar to NC (no contact). Basically, only deal with her when you have to because of the kids...

 

Also, here's something that helped me. Write down a list of all the things about her that annoyed you, bothered you, etc. and, whenever you start feeling wistful, go back and look at that list and remind yourself that, eventually, OM is going to get to experience all of that...always makes me smile a little and say "OM, good luck with that."

 

I went to the bathroom last night, left the seat up, watched whatever I wanted on TV, let the dog into the house (instead of living on the porch where he has been the last 5 months) and started setting things up the way I want them set up. All with NO input from someone else. I get to put up whatever pictures I want, wherever I want, do whatever projects I want, when I want, and I can leave several of them half-finished and no one will yell at me about it...silver linings man...

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[Craig2425]

We use to have sex all the time but I started to treat her like my kids mom instead of my wife. I took her for granted. She was a really good wife did everything for me but stopped having sex after along time of me not beig there for her.

I'm not making up excuses for what she's doing cause I think it's horrible but I just don't want to live with what ifs.

Like what if we did really try could we be happy again? My kid just asked yesterday when I dropped her off how come daddy doesn't stay with me and mommy anymore? She's 3.

I would hate to not try everything possible first for my kid.

You're right I do have anger problems. I wasn't getting sex and I didn't want to cheat so I just left.

I've been reading books and want to get help but she doesn't care. Her needs are being met now .

 

Just three weeks ago we both wanted to try but I found out she had a bf (but broke it off before I came over) and I freaked out. She begged me for three days saying all this same stuff to me them two days later I said ok but she had already put her wall back up. Told Me she didn't mean what she said. A week later she's back with this guy again.

 

I dunno. This is so hard. It's real easy to say just forget her and move on but it's hard when I know I should have talked to her and gotten help.

I feel bad for my daughter that I caused this and now because I was too immature to talk and get help she's lost her family.

I have a lot of guilt about it. Doesn't help thatthe stbxw says that I chose this,not her. Now shes moving on and I need to let her .

[debtman]

Craig2425,

 

No one is saying to "forget her and move on." All you can do (if you want to eventually be happy) is to work on yourself. Make yourself the best person you can be. Let her see you happy, friendly and thoughtful. You can tell her you would like to work on the relationship, but don't beg, plead, etc. You can't work on the relationship if she's not willing to work on it as well. In the meantime, get happy (if you have to, "fake it 'til you make it"), get active, get healthy, enjoy your time with your kid. Read through other entries on here and see how the 180 has helped people, whether they were able to save their relationships or not.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. You may have had a bigger hand in setting the "state" of the relationship, but, she is just as responsible for not communicating her needs/feelings. No matter what you did (as long as there was no abuse), you did not deserve to be cheated on.

 

Once my W cheated on me, I realized that I deserved better. I couldn't be married to someone who would do that to me. She has no respect for marriage or for me. Regardless of the state of our relationship, I was willing to work on it, go to MC, IC, etc. I gave her a dozen ideas of ways we could work on the relationship, but she wasn't interested. Because she had OM.

 

Now, he can have her, and she can have him. They deserve each other. He's still married, has 2 kids of his own and has NO idea what he's getting himself into.

 

It's hard. Hardest things you'll ever have to go through. Especially with having the kid. Don't live in the past, focus on the future. Be positive, learn from this experience so that you won't repeat the mistake the next time. Focus on being a good dad and a good person. She may see that and decide the M is worth another chance. Of course, by then, it may be too late and you may have already decided that you will be happier not being married...only time will tell.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Craig2425]

I've contacted a marriage counselor and I think I'm gonna go even if it's by myself.

I'm so depressed that I don't want to do anything and even care if I do. Plus I feel guilty that this is mostly my fault.

I'm not even divorced yet and cant imagine what that's going to feel like.

I hope this gets easier. I dunno how much longer I can feel this pain.

[debtman]

Sorry man, it's the worst. But, you have to tell yourself that this is temporary. It will get better. Look at some other posts on here. Time heals all.

 

When my W finally told me it was over, it was like a hole had been ripped in my chest. Between the thought of losing half of my kids lives and not having the partner I had for the past 10 years, it was unbearable. Then, knowing she was with OM, and moving back in with my parents, dealing with the financial reality of assuming all the bills AND child support. It was overwhelming.

 

Go to the counseling. It will certainly help. But, most importantly, you have to start working on yourself. Force yourself to go do things, find new hobbies, make new friends or re-establish your old ones.

 

Easier said than done, I know. Take some time, don't blame yourself too much. It gets better, believe me. Life is an incredible thing and every day is a gift...don't give up too much of it worrying about past mistakes that you can't do anything about...

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[heartshaped]

I don't think your wife really wants to move on or even really wants your marriage to be over. The facts are you left, I'm assuming you filed for divorce too not her, and then, when it came to reconciliation you've been very back and forth. One minute you say you want to reconcile, the next minute you don't. Meanwhile, there's a guy on the sidelines whispering in her ear about how he wants to be with her, etc.

 

She doesn't want to be with this guy or else she wouldn't have agreed to reconcile with you or even asked you to reconcile with her. It's just the fact you left and now she's hurt and most likely lashing out. Hence the "you wanted this" statement.

 

If I were you, I'd fight for my marriage before it's too late. Tell her you want to work on your marriage, you want to be with her, and that you were an idiot in the past. Beg and plead if you have to and most importantly when you get her to agree to reconcile make it a stipulation that she cannot even be in contact with the OM. He's nothing, but trouble.

 

Don't let pride or whatever else come between you and your wife.