Is there hope?

[Craig2425]

I thought that too but she's been flat out heartless to me. I have been honest with her and she said she didn't mean what she said last time. I pushes her and she thought it would be easier then dealing with me.

The counselor asked me to ask if she would join me so I asked in an email. She said she's glad that I'm getting help but at this time she's not willing to.

 

Then I called tonight to talk to my daughter and she felt the need to tell Me she went to the og today and brought our kid.

Then she felt the need that she hasn't loved me in along time, I don't mean anything to her she's never been happier etc.

Of course this has nothing to do wit the om. Ita just that I've been horrible and this is it.

I can't take it anymore. She's heartless! She knows I'm hurting and just kicking me while I'm down.

Trust me I've tries and she would rather be with someone else then me evenwith our kid asking for us non stop.

[Craig2425]

She also told me that she has a lot of hate towards me that she needs to work out.

I thought that I hurt her and betrayed her trust but after all these things she's said I'm begging to think she does hate me and wants nothing to do with me.

So confused.

I've heard women cam say stuff they don't mean but that's crazy.

[heartshaped]

She also told me that she has a lot of hate towards me that she needs to work out.

I thought that I hurt her and betrayed her trust but after all these things she's said I'm begging to think she does hate me and wants nothing to do with me.

So confused.

I've heard women cam say stuff they don't mean but that's crazy.

 

Has she just started saying all this stuff lately?

[Craig2425]

Yes in the email she replied to not wanting to go the counciling.

She's said lots of other hurtful things too.

A lot that I don't even want to mention.

[heartshaped]

Yes in the email she replied to not wanting to go the counciling.

She's said lots of other hurtful things too.

A lot that I don't even want to mention.

 

Then I'd bag off, give her, her space, and I'd tell her straight up that you still want to be with her, but she has to make that decision and you aren't going to beg her back anymore. Basically, call her bluff. I don't think any of these things she's saying is really how she feels because this has all just come about lately.

[debtman]

Sounds SOO familiar. After my W told me the M was over and it had nothing to do with OM (this was 2 weeks after she met him and had been going out with him 2-3 nights/week until 2-3 am) she sent me numerous emails about how there was no love in our relationship, we were just incompatible, she was miserable for the majority of our M, and she gave me a breakdown of all the horrible things I had ever done to her and all the ways I had held her back and sabotaged the relationship.

 

SHE IS TRYING TO RATIONALIZE HER DECISION. She is trying to convince herself that she has made the right choice. She's wrong. She's giving up and taking the easy way out. It's easier to NOT work on yourself and REAL examining what's wrong in a situation and to just throw in the towel.

 

Now we're 5 months down the road and my W wants to be friends with me now. She wants to chat, wants me to come over for dinner, hang out with her, etc. But I'm not her friend. I'm friendly to her for the sake of the kids, but none of my friends would ever treat me the way she did.

 

When I start feeling wistful or lonely I can go back and look at those emails and see the fog she's living in and the way she can twist any situation to fit her needs. I'm better off without her. She and OM deserve each other.

 

Don't take it personally. She's trying to relieve her guilt about cheating and giving up on the relationship. It's easier to take the selfish route and just give up instead of admitting that there may be real personal issues that need to be addressed.

 

Don't worry, she hasn't fixed her problems and they will come up again in any new relationship she gets into. It's just a matter of time and, once the newness of the relationship wears off, the old problems will re-surface.

 

You can't rely on someone else to come along and fix your self-confidence, insecurities and social shortcomings.

 

Work on yourself. Focus on your daughter. Good luck and keep posting.

[Craig2425]

Thanks for the replies!

For the first time in awhile i feel ok today(I'm sure it will wear off). I cannot believe some of the things she said to me. I know I hurt her but I never hurt her on purpose and continue to kick her while she is down.she knows I'm hurting and just kept saying stuff and doing stuff.

After last night I feel like the om can have her.I would never make her feel like that on purpose.

 

Debtman... It seems our wives had said a lot of the same stuff. She haven't loved me in along time,we have nothing in common,want different things, this has nothing to do with the og.

She also said a lot of loving things 3 weeks ago but claims it was cause I pushed her and she broke down. I don't see how you say loving things if you're pushed.

I'm still really hurt but feel better after hearing her say this stuff,it's weird.

[Craig2425]

Now she text me saying she was thinking of trying but since I emailed her(like he therapist asked) and can't leave her alone she's pissed and doesn't want to.

I told her to leave me alone and stop with her mind games. If she wanted to try she wouldn't need time and to date this guy.

Wonder if she's feeling guilty and trying to turn it around on me now?

Just more mind games.

Awesome

[Craig2425]

Well I hung out with the boys tonight and it was fun!

Plus I picked up one of the girlss at hooters

Guess I still got it!

Not saying I'm going but good to know!

[debtman]

Nice! Just remember, whenever you get lonely, wistful or sad just remember that it's only because you're not in a relationship right now, but, eventually, that will change. Just be sure you give yourself enough time to recover from the emotional angst that you're going through so you don't drag the next person into your turmoil.

 

But it is nice to know that there are lots of option, eh?

[Craig2425]

Well it's a new day and I feel like crap again.

Can't stop thinking abiut my family and how I'm missing out on half my kids life now.

I don't even drink and all I want to do is drink to mask the pain.

I thought leaving town to work this week would help but I can't even concentrate on work.

All day I think abiut her and my kid and that's all I care abiut.

I dunno why when she clrealy doesn't care about me.

This rollercoaster I'm on sucks! The downs are too long and the ups are way too short.

[debtman]

craig2425,

 

Yes, it does suck. I thought I was getting past it after 5 months because things were getting easier and the lows were getting shorter and the highs were getting longer. Now, that I'm back in the house, surrounded by my stuff packed up in boxes and her stuff that I'm packing up into boxes (including lots of pictures of us and the kids), it's right back to more drastic ups and downs. BUT, having survived the last 5 months, I know it will get better. I know the hurt will start easing up again.

 

Hang in there...you're living in a temporary situation, remember that.

[Craig2425]

So I call to say goodnight to my d and I can't hear her.

My stbxw has taken her out to a dinner party with her bf. How can she be so careless? Shes only known him for a few months.

Isn't it usually the guy who brings people in and out like crazy? I don't get it.

When I feel like I cant get down in the pits any deeper she finds away to make it happen.

By far the hardest thing I've ever gone thru.

[Seraph1]

I know this is going to be hard to hear...but you already know that you only have control of yourself and your own actions in this situation. You can't force her to change her mind or come back. Ultimately it looks like the two of you have so many issues to work out that you will both need the space to do that. As the mother of your child, she is hardly going to forget you....but she does need to miss you if you are to even have a chance of her reassessing the situation in your favour. She can't miss you if you are always there and always telling her to come home. It just places a lot of pressure on her and if she is stubborn.. that's going to kick you later because she will feel like you are trying to force her into something that she has already told you wasn't working for her...and for you. I can't speak for her... but I've been in a similar situation.

 

I guess you could say that I've been there and done that. Every time he came after me begging and then trying to force me back... it got very bad. The pressure was awful and it did force me further and further away until I couldn't even see the wonderful man that I had initially fallen in love with. Don't fall into that trap! We don't forget you. We obsessively think about you! The trick is to make sure that we think 'happy' and 'positive' thoughts about you. Not angry and sad ones.

 

Walk away. Work on yourself and keep things light and happy when you do talk to her. Let her see the best side of you when you need to talk due to your child. Take is slowly and work on moving on and gettting your life together. It is hard. I'm don't think that anyone here will tell you different but it does get better. Slowly and surely it gets better.

[russell1968]

I know this is going to be hard to hear...but you already know that you only have control of yourself and your own actions in this situation. You can't force her to change her mind or come back. Ultimately it looks like the two of you have so many issues to work out that you will both need the space to do that. As the mother of your child, she is hardly going to forget you....but she does need to miss you if you are to even have a chance of her reassessing the situation in your favour. She can't miss you if you are always there and always telling her to come home. It just places a lot of pressure on her and if she is stubborn.. that's going to kick you later because she will feel like you are trying to force her into something that she has already told you wasn't working for her...and for you. I can't speak for her... but I've been in a similar situation.

 

I guess you could say that I've been there and done that. Every time he came after me begging and then trying to force me back... it got very bad. The pressure was awful and it did force me further and further away until I couldn't even see the wonderful man that I had initially fallen in love with. Don't fall into that trap! We don't forget you. We obsessively think about you! The trick is to make sure that we think 'happy' and 'positive' thoughts about you. Not angry and sad ones.

 

Walk away. Work on yourself and keep things light and happy when you do talk to her. Let her see the best side of you when you need to talk due to your child. Take is slowly and work on moving on and gettting your life together. It is hard. I'm don't think that anyone here will tell you different but it does get better. Slowly and surely it gets better.

 

I think this is brilliant advice!

[marqueemoon4]

Seraph speaks the truth. Its totally counter intuitive but its what needs to be done. I hate to say it but if its meant to be it will be in the future. I feel the same way as you.. I'm impatient, I want to know what the ultimate outcome will be, I see my life crumbling before me with her out of my life, but I can't control that at all. She's made her decision, is completely disinterested with what its doing to me, and is focused on herself 100%. Sure its selfish, but you have to do the same if you want to get healthy again.

[debtman]

craig2425,

 

My W met and started going out to dinner with OM for 2 weeks before she told me our M was over and she had him over for dinner to meet our kids the next week while I was out with some friends.

 

I moved out that week and 2 weeks later, her EA became a PA and he was sleeping over at our house and spending evenings over there with my kids. I would call on the phone to say goodnight and I would hear them all laughing and playing in the background.

 

My 4-year old son sometimes runs up to me, says OM name, then corrects himself and says "Daddy" and asks his question.

 

Breaks my heart, but there's NOTHING I can do about that. I don't say anything bad about him or my W to my kids, I just change the subject and move on.

 

I've done 180 and gone LC but I force myself to remain friendly to my W and not let on AT ALL how I feel about what she's done to me, my life and our kids.

 

I picked up the kids yesterday after school, took them to my house, where the power had gone out because someone hit a pole down the road. She called my cell to make sure the pick-up went alright, asked why I didn't answer the home phone, I told her about the power and she invited me and the kids over to her house (she moved in there last week and I moved back into our house, her's is a little rental house). I told her I would just take them out somewhere. Then she told me that she'd love to have me over some night for dinner because "the kids really like it when we hang out together." I told her I'd think about it, but it's not going to happen. I'm not her friend anymore, even if I'm friendly to her.

 

Whenever OM is at her house, I just drop the kids off in the driveway because I really don't want to have to see him. Maybe it will change once the paperwork is final and I'm not married anymore and he's not sleeping with MY WIFE and she's not cheating on me anymore (although she still won't admit that it's an affair or she's cheating because she was "honest with me about it and wasn't sneaking around").

 

It's brutally hard man, but, if you let on to her how you are feeling and let her know that you miss her and your family life, all it will do is give her power and make her feel that she is in control and that she made the right choice. If you let her know that you're moving on, that life will be fine and that you've adjusted to her being out of your life just like (snap) that, it takes all power and control away from her and will make her realize that you didn't NEED her and have already left her behind.

 

And face it, anyone who will cheat on you, lie to you, string you along, toy with your emotions and use what they know about you from being with you for years just to hurt you, is NOT the kind of person you want to have in your life.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[What_Next]

debtman, this is one of the most heart wrenching posts I have read on LS. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. May god have mercy on your ex-wife for what she has done. There is absolutely nothing I can do for you; except to offer my moral support. If there was I'd do it.

[worldgonewrong]

Debtman is a f*cking rock of strength. Truly.

A class act.

And he will damn well be rewarded down the line for his noble, mature behavior amidst all of this chaos.

[debtman]

Thanks guys, just trying to focus on the kids and realize that there's nothing I can do to change the fact that she decided our M was over other than accept it, learn from it and move on.

 

When I hit the emotional wall and don't think I can deal with it, I try a few different things:

1) meditation

2) hitting the heavy bag

3) working out

4) screaming (this one happens the most, mainly in the car, especially as I'm driving away from her house as the kids are crying that they don't want me to go)

5) read the quotes I've printed out and posted around the house that deal with forgiveness, living in the moment, grabbing life, etc.

 

If none of those help, I start making phone calls.

[worldgonewrong]

If none of those help, I start making phone calls.

 

...to hitmen.

 

(JOKE!)

[Craig2425]

I've been thinking a lot lately about me not seeing my daughter a lot.

Why should I be missing out on half her life when I wanted to try? I've heard that California now wants both parents to be apart of the kids life as much as possible and would grant 50-50 custody.

Does anybody know if this is true?

I feel I should get her on full week then her mom could have her the next and so on.

I've been really depressed abiut this all week and I don't see why I should miss out so much when I was willing go work things out.

Thanks

[debtman]

I hear you. My situation is a little different right now because my son is 4 and doesn't start school for another 1 1/2 years. Currently, I have the kids 2 nights a week for dinner and then Fri.-Sun. every other week, at least according to the agreement. In actuality, there have only been 3 weekends since Oct. where I didn't have them at least part of the weekend. However, I still have to pay the full child-support, 25% of my pre-tax salary.

 

Hopefully, once my son starts school, my stbx will still feel the way she does now about us having equal time and we can do a week on and a week off during the school year. I'll still have to pay a portion of child support to make up the difference in our incomes, but at least I'll have the kids more, which is all that matter. And, she'll still have to take them most of the summer and holidays except when I take vacation.

 

If I were you, I would fight for equal time. The kids need BOTH parents equally and, it sounds like you're a good dad and will give them the stability they need.

 

Good luck and keep posting!

[Craig2425]

Another tuff weekend. Everything I do reminds me of her.

Was able to get my D for Half the day today so I hope that will help for a bit.

 

Thanks everyone for the replies! The help out a lot.

I've been following the advise of no contact and getting back outside and doing stuff for myself but man it's hard.

[Bluebelle38]

Why should God have mercy on his ex?

 

As someone who was once in a relationship with a man that did not meet my emotional needs (was selfish, inconsiderate and downright awful) I can understand why the wife did not want to have sex. I certainly didn't.

 

Craig - do you have any idea how your wife must have felt when you just upped and left. You left her to pick up the pieces, to deal with everyone asking her questions about why you left. Can you not see how hurt she must have been? Is it any wonder she sought solace in the arms of another man? She would have had no idea why you would just leave the way you did without even trying to work things out.

 

You can't just walk back into her life and expect the sex to be handed to you on a plate. Come on, you can't be that naive. You would need to have a lot of counselling and deal with the issue of trust. She needs to trust you won't just walk out again when the times get tough. And you need to get over the fact she found someone else that gave to her what you couldn't.

 

This is both of your faults for not addressing the issues at hand when you were together.

 

IMO, you need to keep up your counselling and either meet her face to face down the line and put all your cards on the table, or leave her alone as much as is possible for her to get on with her life and you yours.