Is there hope?

[Craig2425]

At first I didn't see why she wouldn't have sex with me.

Aftter this time apart and me reading up and trying to work things out I do realize why. I also realize what I have done to her.

I wasn't trying to get back with her and have sex right away. I wanted to fix our problems.

I also realized why she jumped into this relationship and that's why I was willing to put it past me and try.

She has told me she doesn't love me, we do t have anything in common anymore and is happy now.

She clearly has choosen the og over me and I'm trying to deal with that.

I'm in no way putting all the blame on her(or even most of it). I know what I did and didn't do. I also was willing to fight and try for her and our family.

I've came to the conclusion where were done and there's nothing I can do about it

I'm just a guy who messed up and is depressed trying to get by on the hardest thing I've gone thru.

Not once did I put all the blame on her.

I just wanted my wife,best friend and family back

And I'm sure almost everybody here wanted that at o e time or another.

[Craig2425]

Super depressed again. Reading thru some texts from her and she says stuff like I'm not in love with you,I love you like a brother, I've never really been in love the whole time. Then she will throw stuff out like I'm not ready to try right now or this makes me glad that I'm not trying.

Guess another day of downs

[Craig2425]

Why do I still care and want her in my life? She pretty much has showed me that she wants this og and has said she doesn't love me and never really has.

It just sucks! I went to the park yesterday with my kid and the stbxw came and fed the ducks with us.

It was after that on the way back to her house ( the park is next to it) she proceeded to tell me that.

 

This was also after our daughter has been the happiest she's been in awhile and after she asked( in front of both of us) why I can't stay with her and mommy in her house.

 

I just talk to the stbxw abiut getting 50/50 custody and she said sure no problem let's start this week.

She's happy now that she can have her relationship without having to figure something out with our daughter.

She was a great mother but now all she cares about is this guy it seems.

Don't get me wrong I'm pumped up that I get my daughter 50% now I just don't get her and how she could change so quick.

[marqueemoon4]

man, if nothing else be glad your wife is agreeing to 50/50.. I'd get that in WRITING immediately. thats what I want as well and I'm going to have to battle for it.

[Craig2425]

Does anyone know any sites that deal with toddlers and divorce?

My daughter is having a real hard time lately with this whole thing.

Lots of questions asking why we all can't be together.

She's only three so I want to see what I can do for her.

Thanks

[thediz261]

I really admire the men's strength in here but it also worries me as I go through my stuff. My wife and I were only married for 6 months, but soon after we started fighting and like Craig, I was really quick to quit after it wasn't going my way. And I regret it. She said she wanted to take a separation and work on it, then two weeks later, she moved home with her friends and family and said no, she now wants a divorce.

 

Fortunately we don't have kids, so I really admire how much you guys are going through. She said some mean things last time we talked, but I am trying to have NC and only return calls. I don't know if she is dating anyone, but she is a pretty good looking woman and very outgoing.

 

Can anyone tell me if the NC really works and if she has changed her mind from divorce, to separation, back to divorce, if she will miss me and want to work it out?

[WorldIsYours]

Dude be glad divorce is almost there. You never deserved to be cheated on and disrespected even more after you found out. Don't take blame for her affair. She probably wasn't giving you sex because she was cheating.

 

Heal, take care of your child, and cut tie this woman off completely.

[Craig2425]

I know what you mean. She is totally disrespecting me.

It breaks my heart tho from what my kid is asking and going thru.

Not saying I'm going back I just would like to know of any sites that could help me with my daughter.

I dunno what the right thing to say to her and want to help her get thru this the best I can.

Thanks again everybody.I never knew it would be this hard.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know what you mean. She is totally disrespecting me.

It breaks my heart tho from what my kid is asking and going thru.

Not saying I'm going back I just would like to know of any sites that could help me with my daughter.

I dunno what the right thing to say to her and want to help her get thru this the best I can.

Thanks again everybody.I never knew it would be this hard.

 

Hi Craig,

 

The situation is still quite fresh believe it or not and believe it or not, you actually have time on your side.

 

Perhaps a smart thing to suggest to her would be a Healing Separation. You can suggest it to your wife as a means to help everyone, including your child adjust. It would also give you face time to talk with your W.

 

Since OM is new as well you can bet that he is a rebound. One of the goals of a Healing Separation is to be able to heal in case you need to prepare for Divorce. Again, time is actually on your side because is she sees you semi-regularly while you are going through this, she will see improvements in you and changes in your attitudes.

 

I know things are very very bleak but that does nut necessarily mean that your family is at an end until you fully let it. Marriages gave actually come back from this. Google healing separations And even try Divorce Busters.

 

OM might be around for a bit, but the two of you have a child together so you are in each other's lives for the next 15 years at least. It just depends what you are still willing to put into it and when you want to let go completely.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know what you mean. She is totally disrespecting me.

It breaks my heart tho from what my kid is asking and going thru.

Not saying I'm going back I just would like to know of any sites that could help me with my daughter.

I dunno what the right thing to say to her and want to help her get thru this the best I can.

Thanks again everybody.I never knew it would be this hard.

 

Super depressed again. Reading thru some texts from her and she says stuff like I'm not in love with you,I love you like a brother, I've never really been in love the whole time. Then she will throw stuff out like I'm not ready to try right now or this makes me glad that I'm not trying.

Guess another day of downs

 

If she is still saying stuff like this that means there is still something going on for her. Women are dumb that way.

[Craig2425]

It's hard go want to keep trying. She has a bf and continues to date him even tho we aren't divorced till the end of may.

Why should I continue to try and wait while she sees if the grass is greener?

I dunno I'm sad and depressed but if she loved me she shouldn't be able to do this to me.

[2.50 a gallon]

Why wait?

 

Waiting, trying to be her friend, trying to get her to come back, is not working and in fact might be driving her toward the OM.

 

It is time for you to do a total turn around. Move on in life. Motivate yourself to get excited about life again.

 

Start thinking about attracting your next Mrs. 2425. Fight fire with fire. I am a big beleiver in getting back into the dating scene.

 

My XW was a lot like yours. "I don't love you, I never loved you, Our marriage was a mistake. The OM's muscles are such a turn on, etc."

 

I had to hear this cr*p again when my neighbor again invited the new couple over to B-B-Q when his wife was out of town. Then she discovered an empty champaign bottle in the trash, and knew that I too had been unfaithful.

 

It was a total turn around. She knew she had lost me forever, and crashed, begging me to come back, how she loved me forever, it was a mistake, and to prove it ran outside and let the neighborhood know what that the OM was a loser

 

For the next 3 to 4 years she did her utmost to get me back. Even though I loved her and wanted her to be the mother of my children, I never gave her a second chance.

 

Can you dance? Learn

 

Can you cook something other than plain meals? Go down to the local Goodwill and purchase a good cookbook, with photos and text showing you how to fix some delicious out of the ordinary meals, and start practising tonight.

 

Excersice, bike, hike, get out and do things and meet people.

 

Move on in life, enjoy life and if she don't come back, you will find somebody far better to share your life with. Somebody you can love with all of your heart and totally trust.

 

Been there and done that.

 

I have to cut this short, as there is this long legged grandma who still has her hour glass figure, who is wanting to spend the day taking a drive into the mountains. She is totally out of my league, but has been mine for the past 15 years. Because I reclaimed my life and became Mr. Excitement

[Craig2425]

Thanks for the input. I'm not chasing her and i am getting back out there doing stuff. It's hard but I'm doing it.

I am really concerned about my daughter tho so if anyone knows any sites that deal with toddlers and divorce that would b great.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for the input. I'm not chasing her and i am getting back out there doing stuff. It's hard but I'm doing it.

I am really concerned about my daughter tho so if anyone knows any sites that deal with toddlers and divorce that would b great.

 

Whoa whoa whoa,

 

no one said chase her. at all. in fact the 180 would work best to get you back in the groove.

But if you wanted to keep the possibility open you still could and there is still hope.

 

I don't know a site on toddlers and divorce but should look one up for my own sake because I have a little girl who is going to be 2 in May and there is a 50-50 chance of D in the next year or so. If I find one, I'll let you know.

[Craig2425]

Thank and if I find a good one I'll let you know too.

I don't get how you say time is on my side. My divorce will b final at the end of may,we don't live together,she has a bf,says she's never been in love with me like she should have been and doesn't love me now won't try just for a kid and so on.

Again big thanks to everyone who has replied. It's cool that people are here to help.

[debtman]

craig2425,

 

Don't worry, she's only saying that to justify her actions to herself and try to convince herself that she shouldn't feel guilty about making an entirely selfish decision just because she's not willing to actually make any changes and put any work into something to try to fix it.

 

And, it's only a matter of time before the whole cycle repeats itself with OM.

 

2.50, LOVED your post and you've nailed it. Glad to hear things are going well with grandma.

 

There are a ton of sites out there on helping kids through D. One of the better ones I've been reading is:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm

It has lots of good articles on there.

 

If your child is in school, I HIGHLY recommend calling the school counselor and talking with them about the situation. It's been an amazing experience for me and I'm just shocked at how well the school is set up to assist the kids with this and provide the support and outlet that can help.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Craig2425]

Listening to a voicemail from her and Jesus.

So hurtful. It's not that she doesn't want to try for her marriage it's that she doesn't want me as in the person. She doesn't like anything about me. If she did try she would never be able to look,talk or have sex with me. She just hates me as a person.shes told all her friends and can't wait for may 24 so she can celebrate .

We've been together since she was 16,now she 27 and she told me she had second thiugts about marrying me but did it just cause she was a girl and was caught up in the romance part of it and knee we would get divorced.then she told me she knew she shouldn't have had a kid with me but really wanted one and was selfish.

I don't get this. We couldn't have a kid. We tried for two years and had to have surgery to finally have our daughter now she says all this stuff?

I don't know this person at all. I feel like I've been with a stranger for 11 years. Who could say all this stuff or worse yet mean all that stuff and be with someone for that long when they didn't even like me?

I really feel like crap.so I just wasted my 20s with a girl who never even liked me?

Way down today.

Edited March 22, 2011 by Craig2425

[Craig2425]

I don't get this crazy person at all.

I've had our daughter for the last 6 days and her b day is coming up. I've been trying to figure presents and stuff out and she has been too busy to deal with it. I haven't called or text her for Anthony other then her b day or if my daughter wanted to talk to her( and I still didn't talk I just handed the phone over). For the past two days shes text me and called me multiple times through out these days.

Is it because her alone weekend with om is now over and I'm not there ?

I've been reading a lot online and it seems that when the spouse that is having the affair will rewrite history and also stop being a good parent like they once were cause all they care about is themselves .

This fits my stbxw exactly. I've had to say stuff that she doesn't even care abiut our kids party usually she loves planning stuff like this.

I really don't know who this person is with the stuff she has said to me and the way she's being towards our daughter.

Hope I'm not flooding this place but the replies I get help me out a lot.

Thanks again

[debtman]

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. After I moved out and W was with OM I got several emails from her telling me how horrible our marriage was, how unfair, how we never did anything together, how she was always getting hit on by other guys and turning them down because she "loved me so much" and a litany of things that I had done to belittle her and tear her down...none of which were true.

 

All of my friends and family that I told about that were shocked because they knew it was total BS and she had completely revised our entire 10 year relationship to justify cheating with OM and to justify the D.

 

You're right, when they're in the new PA they're NOT the person you were with. They're trying to do everything they can to convince themselves that they're doing the right thing.

 

All you can do is 180, realize you're better off without her, OM had NO IDEA what he's in for and, you will be a better parent without her because you can focus entirely on the kids...and it's only a matter of time before they realize how unhappy, unsure and guilty their mother is...

 

Stay strong...and also, beware, she will go back and forth sharply...sometimes she'll tell you how great you are and sometimes she'll tell you how horrible you were...

 

Worst thing in all of this is that the kids suffer because of the selfish acts of the parent(s). The key is to make the time you have with them the best, most fun and most positive that you can...your life will eventually fall back into place, mine is starting to. I still miss her sometimes, but then, there will be an episode of "crazy" like what happened to me tonight that will put things back into perspective and remind me why our relationship had been in decay before she decided to finally end it...

 

You're in a temporary situation that WILL get better...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Craig2425]

Is it normal for me to feel completely different each day?

I just went a few days being ok with what's going on and then I'll go thru what I'm going thru now. All I want is my old life back. I hate seeing my kid sad and miss her.

I hate how my emotions can go totally opposite .

I'm really dad that I'm gonna miss out on half of my kids life and all of ours.

I've been with her since I was 19(30 this year) do everything I do reminds me of her and I hate that we won't share anymore.

This sucks!!!

[marqueemoon4]

Craig I'm going through the exact thing.. you have to trust things will get better and really stop focusing on what she is saying/doing, no matter how hurtful. She is all about herself right now, and that may never change. At the end of the day you can only control yourself and continue to be a great father to your child. Lawyer up and let go, accept she is not going to be a part of your life going forward. I know, it breaks my heart to see my son go through this pain, and my stbx rationalizing that he'll be just fine. Maybe he will, its still very hard for me to see him so confused. Improve yourself for YOU and your child, not for her. In the end you'll end up a stronger, better person and father. We're pulling for ya

 

ps- I would HIGHLY suggest IC, and you might want to try meds to get through this really tough time. I fought it big time when this all started going down, I had never been on anti depressants in my life but its really helped me cope with this f-ed up situation.

Edited March 24, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[debtman]

Is it normal for me to feel completely different each day?

 

ABSOLUTELY! A sudden life change after such a long time will have emotional impact on you for months, maybe years. I was with my W for 10 years and suddenly, within 2 weeks she went from ending every email and phone call with "I love you" to saying we just aren't compatible.

 

When I was packing up her stuff and unpacking mine the other day I found a card from her saying how she will "love me forever", etc. and I found another note from her telling me about how much she has given up by deciding to get married to me and stay with me. So, she was Jekyll & Hyde even when we were married, I just chose to accept it at the time because I loved her.

 

The sad part is, I still love her, but I can't be friends with someone who will treat me and my kids the way she has.

 

It sucks to lose a friend, to lose half the time with my kids, to see them forming a bond with OM and to spend so much time in my house alone, BUT, I know it's temporary...I KNOW life is a wonderful adventure, it always has been, that's ALWAYS been my philosophy and, now that I don't have to constantly worry about what "mood" my partner is going to be in, it's MUCH easier to relax...and, my kids will benefit from that as well, which is the BEST part.

 

I know the emotional trauma is temporary. I know I will eventually get over her and, someday, find someone else who is willing to work with me to make sure that a relationship works.

 

It WILL get better. The lows will get less frequent and the highs will get more frequent.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[starting2wakeup]

you have to trust things will get better and really stop focusing on what she is saying/doing, no matter how hurtful. She is all about herself right now, and that may never change. At the end of the day you can only control yourself and continue to be a great father to your child. Lawyer up and let go, accept she is not going to be a part of your life going forward. I know, it breaks my heart to see my son go through this pain, and my stbx rationalizing that he'll be just fine. Maybe he will, its still very hard for me to see him so confused. Improve yourself for YOU and your child, not for her. In the end you'll end up a stronger, better person and father. We're pulling for ya

 

Quoted for truth.

[Steadfast]

Craig, one of my favorite truisms is 'living the life you have, not the life you planned.' Our lives can change for a variety of reasons, all out of our control; illness, accident, or a spouse having a change of heart and pulling. It is the risk we take by involving ourselves with someone; the risk of loving someone and giving your heart to them. When you trust someone and that trust is broken, then you're exactly where you are now.

 

One of the mistakes we all make it mapping it out. Because of where we are right now, we 'chart' a course for life: I'll only have my child half the time...I'll never meet someone like them again...I'll never be able to trust anyone, etc. Understand by doing this we're voluntarily setting ourselves up for depression and pigeon-holing our future. The good news? It won't go the way you're thinking it will...but it will unfold. The trick now for you is to break the cycle of depression and victimization. I know it's a cliche' but life really is what you make it Craig. It really is!

 

Take it slow and work yourself into a pattern of positive thinking and good choices. Come to an understanding that while you hate what your wife did, holding onto it and allowing these emotions to control your actions is only doing you harm. She will, at some point face the consequences of her actions. It will be much more profound if you're not involved in it at all. That way, she'll understand that her unhappiness has nothing to do with you...but is her problem alone. This will give you a tremendous boost later in life.

 

Let it go. Let her go. It won't happen overnight, but as the days stack into weeks, months and years your understanding of what's true will grow and deepen. This will make you a better person.

 

For now, take solace in the fact that you're young. Your child is much better off going through the divorce now than if she were a teen. The positives in your situation far outweigh the negatives, even if it doesn't seem like it now.

 

Day by day friend. Make the next right-

Edited March 24, 2011 by Steadfast

[j_07]

I strongly agree that marriage is bind with sacred union of the church and the fruit of love of two persons but, let's not look at the negative side of divorce. Divorce is not an excuse for us to have plenty of partners. What if you and your partner cannot work your marriage anymore, will you stay and sacrifice being with the person you do not love? Another, if you already have kids, do you think it's better to stay together as a couple and let your kids witness the conflict between you and your partner or get divorce and deal with things harmoniously. There are pros and cons in divorce but I vote for divorce. :)

 

You can visit this site it will help,laws about divorce