Author Craig2425 Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 I know I'm talking to myself but that's better then trying to reason with her Lol. So now she said those tickets were a lot of money so she's going ( crazy person ). She asks what the plan is. I tell her what time were leaving and were going to dinner( my family for my b-day coming up ). She then said dinner? I don't know if I should go then. I don't want it to get weird. I just said ok whatever you want but that's the plan. She knew this was for my b-day. What's the difference if we go to dinner before or not? My family is still going to be there tonight. Seems like it's just games! She's said like 4/5 different things about this in 2 hours. I just want to go outside and scream Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 I don't know what else you can do other than just say OK. She really doesn't know what the heck she is doing, does she? Maybe you should go outside and scream...it might make you feel better. You cannot make this woman be reasonable. Go out tonight with your family and have a nice time. It probably would go better if she was not there, so just leave it be if she says that again. Just my 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 Thanks steen. I just said you can do whatever you want but that's the plan. I'm starting to regret telling her she can go now. She's been super quite and is acting like she has a chip on her shoulder. It seems like she's gonna try and make this a bad night by being this way. She Also felt the need to throw out that she's only going now because she didn't want to waste the money even tho last night she said she's always wanted to go. I swear she's trying to get I to a fight for no reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 Just tell her that you will find someone else to go if the money is why she is going and then just eat the money. Go have a good time! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 Helllooooo Craig, she is picking a special occasion to pull out the big TEST THE **** OUT OF YOU GUNS. Ooohhh, quite the bag of tricks she has. Don't stress yourself about it. She goes, or she doesn't. She can be sulky, whiny or weird. She can be sulky, whiny or weird by herself. She is trying (subconsciously mind you) to get you to make her feel better in whatever way, but most likely by emotionally blowing back at her or criticizing her behaviour. Do neither. If she wants to sit at home she can, if she wants to go and sulk, she can. One little exercise I do ( I designed it for myself so it isn't exactly certified or anything) I tell myself that I am not letting this person steal any of my happiness with their emotional outbursts or withdrawal. I pretend kind of like I am Jacque Cousteau in a little safe cage watching the moody shark go by. Shark can't get in, and I get to sit back and enjoy the experience of my life. In fact, I can even enjoy the shark's company in a way because they can't harm me. Never let an emotional-box-factory worker steal your happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 That's what I'm doing dot. I think that's making her even more pissed that I'm not getting into anything with her. Everytime she's came to me with a different answer about this I just said ok. That's fine if you go or that's fine if you stay. No worries. I have to say that I'm glad I can come here and just get this stuff off my chest so I don't let it stew and boil up. I'll let everyone know how it went after tonight. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 If I feel my energy start to drain when I am with my h, I kind of re-check my emotional happiness armor and kind of mentally say "nope, you can't have that. That's MY happiness. Go get your own." or "nope, I am not gonna let you take that." Well, until they can learn to share anyways. By the way.... YOU ARE DOING AWESOME!! TOTALLY AWESOME! Especially for Day One. It's tough on Day One. Then you get into a groove. I can post up tons more over the coming week (if I have time) about the stuff that motivates me and keeps me going. Things are still on the up with my H. He is much more present. I expect another test soon, most likely tomorrow or over the next few days. He has been drawing closer, so that is usually when he hits overload capacity. Btw, the fact that she is emotionally all over the map says TEST, not DONE. If she were firmly 110% decided, she wouldn't give a **** if "things got weird." she'd just say: "I am going/not going tonight." blam! Chips fall where they may. She might even say: I am going but I don't want any weird **** tonight. Not, "I am going, maybe, oh jeez, I have some squarely little emotions about this. Can you make a decision for me because I don't want to take responsibility for my own feelings again. Can you make the decision so I don't feel bad and then I can get mad at you and say that it was the wrong one? Puh-leeze." Don't give up Craig, just Remember how she reacts at the factory when the boxes don't all fold the same way. Now she's just upset because her husband isn't either Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 Just tell her that you will find someone else to go if the money is why she is going and then just eat the money. Go have a good time! Steen, I've thought about it but that won do anything but cause a fight. I want to have fun tonight so she can make the choice to go/stay have fun or be a baby. I've tried and all that did was push her away so she wants her space here it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 Dot, please do post away when you have time. I'm glad things are on the up but not so much that you're dealing with what I'm dealing with. It's not that fun. I'm glad you think I'm doing good because I don't know. I'm trying and that's all I can do. I really do too think that this is a test. I mean if she was 100% done with me why would she want to go hang out with me and my family tonight? If she is done and just going because of a ticket she has some serious problems! Wish me luck! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 That's what I'm doing dot. I think that's making her even more pissed that I'm not getting into anything with her. Everytime she's came to me with a different answer about this I just said ok. That's fine if you go or that's fine if you stay. No worries. I have to say that I'm glad I can come here and just get this stuff off my chest so I don't let it stew and boil up. I'll let everyone know how it went after tonight. Thanks again this is a good sign! Emotional reactivity from her shows investment. She is not indifferent to you at all. How do you usually react when she is like this? Let me guess: A) make the decision for her B) share your feelings about the matter therefore swaying her decision C) get annoyed by her back and forth D) maybe get frustrated enough to yell E) tell her to just make a damn decision already (I am not saying that you are for sure doing all of the above, just know the familiar patterns with men and anxious women.) When you take out all of the above you take away her familiar pattern of reactions. Don't kid yourself, she wants a fight. And a big one. She wants you to "ruin her evening" or "tell her what she is doing is wrong." Don't give her an excuse. Just let her deal with herself being nuts. She can be as pissed as she wants for you being reasonable, but she can't stay pissed at it. What's she gonna say? "he doesn't love me as much as he used to after I told him we were divorcing." um, what? OR "he made me decide for myself what to do with myself on Saturday night. He let me make my own decision about going for dinner." Sounds like grounds for divorce. Hornets eventually run out of energy. Trust me, at this point, pissed is good. A female pissed off at you is actually good. (unless it's me) Now don't cave into the emotional ****-storm your wife is making for herself or you will make all the hard work you did today go to waste (and yes it is WORK) Basically you need to show her that you won't budge. Not that you will budge after 8-10 hours of being annoyed by her behavior. You get really good at this after a week or two. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 Dot, please do post away when you have time. I'm glad things are on the up but not so much that you're dealing with what I'm dealing with. It's not that fun. I'm glad you think I'm doing good because I don't know. I'm trying and that's all I can do. I really do too think that this is a test. I mean if she was 100% done with me why would she want to go hang out with me and my family tonight? If she is done and just going because of a ticket she has some serious problems! Wish me luck! LOL Craig, You don't need luck. You need a cage and an underwater camera. It actually becomes kind of fun when you realize that you can be happy and that you have more power over your life and relationship then you think you did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 14, 2011 Author Share Posted August 14, 2011 So I'm back and I had fun tonight. Went to dinner and had a great time with my family. W was still being weird like she wasn't sure if she wanted to have fun or not but was starting to open up and just enjoy herself. Went to the show and everyone had a great time. I just talked to everyone the same. Didn't try to get her to talk to me but didn't ignore her and leave her out of conversations. I broke down once (after I had a few to drink) when we were siting watching the show I reached over and rubbed her arm. I didn't get a reaction so I stopped and went back to how I was the rest of the night. It was hard. I wanted to hold her hand and kiss her but there was no way that was happening. Got home and she went to bed and before I went back down stairs she said she had fun tonight. I said me too good night and off I went. Who knows what she thinks. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 She thinks: I had fun tonight and he wasn't pressuring me and now I have to sleep alone, this sucks. Repeat times 25 and see what happens. I screwed up my 180 tonight. I invited him to sleep in bed with me. He turned me down, I used "the tone." ugh. Oh well that one is easily recoverable. I have to pull back a bit and start over. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 And yes, I have been on here most of the day LOL Post 4300. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Doesn't she? And she can see the future. She told me this stuff would happen and now it is. This is why I'm looking for her guidance. Maybe I should open my own phone line LOL. Yes, that would be a great idea. I can let my husband know that I am starting a phone line where I charge $3.95 a minute to have frustrated married men talk to me about "relationship issues." haha, my life is now planned. Thanks guys Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 14, 2011 Author Share Posted August 14, 2011 And yes, I have been on here most of the day LOL Post 4300. Lol! Me too. Is that a bad thing? I really hope things get better for you dot. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. As for how I pressure her. I would say when we started counseling the both discovered that we weren't meeting each others needs. I pushed for her to start meeting mine as I was trying hard for hers. She wasn't so happy about that because of what I have done to her. Then it was just a bunch of little stuff some of which I didn't even do but because of my old self she was stressed about it. I think I did pretty good today. I tried once to see if she would hold hands and stopped once I saw that was a no go. I guess I'll see which crazy person I get tomorrow when I wake up and what crazy answers and thoughts she has for me Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 14, 2011 Author Share Posted August 14, 2011 Maybe I should open my own phone line LOL. Yes, that would be a great idea. I can let my husband know that I am starting a phone line where I charge $3.95 a minute to have frustrated married men talk to me about "relationship issues." haha, my life is now planned. Thanks guys Lol. It's true. You told me when we first started to try that she would do this and even Now that she's started to what shes going to do. It's too bad that we( everyone ) can't just talk and work thru things instead of playing all these games and testing people. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Well to be fair, to her she isn't playing a game. She is using the same self-destructive/protective/coping patterns that she has had since childhood. Any kind of change is going to being those up until she can see that the change isn't a threat. Just the same as you were using destructive coping patterns until you can realize that they don't work and that they are messing up your marriage. Most of us were either raised with the notion that we take into consideration other's feelings more then our own or take our own feelings into consideration more then anyone else's. Truthfully, we should be looking at how to best navigate each marital situation to make it best for both. Right bow though, it'll require a short-term swallow of your pride to pull this one through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 14, 2011 Author Share Posted August 14, 2011 She slept in this morning so I decided to take our daughter for a bike ride. Just as we were all set and leaving the driveway she's tapping on the window asking if were going for a ride. Yes we are you wanna go? No I'm gonna go for a walk. Why tap on the window just so she can tell me she doesn't want to hang out? I just said ok see you later but it sucked Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Craig will you please get away from this woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 14, 2011 Author Share Posted August 14, 2011 Craig will you please get away from this woman? I don't know what to do. We were trying and things were going pretty good then she just freaked out with the pressure,stress and anxiety. I just want my family but I know that it doesn't matter. It has to be both of us. I guess it comes down to how long to I keep up hope and fight for this and as of now i still do. I'm not chasing her or begging for her I'm just trying to keep improve me and I'll see how long I'm willing to keep hope alive. I know that I won't keep hope up forever but I still feel I owe it to my marriage and my daughter to make sure i never gave up too quick. I know you're just looking out for me and don't want me to hurt and I really appreciate that. I don't think I can keep this up too much longer tho. It's very draining and I'm doing all the work with little to no reward. Maybe you're right and I'm just making things worse for me and I'm dragging out all this pain but maybe I'm not? Anybody have a magic 8 ball?lol Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Look, emotionally you are going to have to stand on your own two feet here one way or the other. She is going to be a stress case as either your wife or stbxw you are going to have to go through this conditioning. It's easier to do it with her there then randomly when she's gone. And Christ, don't invite her for anything. If you didn't she would have felt the disconnection that you didn't and might even ask to come along. If not she probably would next time. You guys are still really emotionally entangled and you need to sort that. She's only toxic if you ingest her toxicity. Don't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 14, 2011 Author Share Posted August 14, 2011 You guys are still really emotionally entangled and you need to sort that. Sounds good! Um... How? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Ignore her emotional plays and only reward healthy behaviour from her. Furthermore let her come to you and only randomly reciprocate. Basic 180. Do this until you strengthen up considerably and then you can start making decisions on what to do next. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 14, 2011 Author Share Posted August 14, 2011 Ignore her emotional plays and only reward healthy behaviour from her. Furthermore let her come to you and only randomly reciprocate. Basic 180. Do this until you strengthen up considerably and then you can start making decisions on what to do next. I feel like I am doing this for the most part. She asked where I was going and didn't want to be rude that's why I asked. I guess I need to find ways not ask and another be rude at the same time Link to post Share on other sites
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