Is there hope?

[debtman]

Congrats Craig! Always good to see things turning around and working out. Keep working TOGETHER and individually on the relationship and yourselves and you will find yourself in a far better place than you ever imagined!

 

Stay focused!

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks everyone! I know it's not over and still have along way to go but it seems pretty good so far.

Dot. What do you mean (about her and maybe sooner)?

 

Well, she had a bf and was going "I want you, I don't want you, I want you maybe in a train on the roof in the rain, maybe... Never mind."

 

Once the smoke clears a little more and things steady out, she'll most likely feel pretty crappy.

[Steadfast]

Here's hoping you get to the bottom of what started the mess and work your way up. It's good to see a family stay together.

 

Look, Craig, you're no different than a lot of guys who were less-than-perfect in their marriage, but there's a big difference between bad decisions and sleeping with somebody else. Right? You played a part, but you didn't have anything to do with that part. I'm only saying this in case someone, somewhere suggests you shoulder the blame. It has to end there.

 

Be loving, be kind, be smart and be tough-

[dreamingoftigers]

Stay positive, independent, supportive, and self-forgiving.

[Craig2425]

Hey guys haven't posted in my thread for awhile now( just lurking/posting in others) and thought I'd give an update.

Still going to mc and working rather well

Moved back into the house.

Getting along with eachother and both are really trying(which is a first in a long time).

Having the mc has been great because we can both get our sides out without getting in a fight and understand where were coming from.

Our biggest problem was communication and although it's not perfect right now it's 100times better.

Still have lots of work ahead of us but it's really going good.

I will say that I really think it has a lot to do with the mc. I spent a lot of hours/days looking for a really good one. One who wasn't going to make things worse and take my money.

I wish I could personally thank everyone of you who truly helped get me thru such a hard time in my life.

thank you.

I don't know if I should keep updating in this thread every once in awhile or make a new one? or even at all?

Again thank you guys so much for the help and support.

[marqueemoon4]

thats awesome man.. congrats! keep up the good work.

[worldgonewrong]

Great to hear this, Craig.

 

Please DO keep checking in & updating as it gives the rest of us an example of how couples can handle things in a healthy manner.

[willowthewisp]

Glad to hear it Craig and please do keep us updated, it's always really lovely to hear that some couples do value each other enough to work it through. All the best to you both.

[2.50 a gallon]

Huzzah

 

Please keep posting, as there are not many success stories in this forum. Also, just to remind you how far you have come

 

Another thing, sometimes it is the simplists of things that do the most good.

 

I am in a long term loving relationship, that is going great guns, and no longer need to try and score points with my lady, But that does not mean that I stop trying.

 

Last week I recalled that earlier in the spring we had stopped by a park to have a picnic and there we spotted a couple of baby duckings. So on her next day off I suggested we revisit the park just to feed the ducks and check on her two little friends. Even though is was darn near a hundred in the shade we spent a good hour there and I could tell that she had really enjoyed herself. Much more than when we go out to dinner. And yes they are doing quite well

 

Simple, we got rid of some old bread, the cost maybe a dollar in gas, and she had a great time.

[Craig2425]

Hey everyone,

Well things have gone downhill a little bit.

My wife is very depressed and doesn't know what she wants anymore.

I'd say the past 2 weeks she has been very distant, almost not really talking u less I start it.

Were still going to counseling and the counselor said that this is normal but it's gonna depend on my wife whether or not she can work thru this.

 

The problem is she's pissed at me for what I did.

She tried to just put all her feeling behind her and move ahead and now there're coming back up for her.

It sucks that I myself caused all this and there's nothing I can do but wait to see what she wants to do.the scary thing is how long do I do this?

How long do I keep trying my hardest for her/us/ our family while she (at the moment) isn't.

 

Anyways that's where I'm at theses days.

[dreamingoftigers]

This is that her feeling crappy thing that I told you about.

She is quite the projector.

Ride through it.

[itllgetbetter]

I'm mid-way through this thread. At no. 126 I think it is, debtman states: "She's trying to push your buttons so that you will get upset and frustrated." Why do they do that? What's the purpose? Is it to alleviate the guilt of what they're doing? Anyone who has an answer, not necessarily debtman, can let me know. Thanks.

Edited August 2, 2011 by itllgetbetter
typo

[debtman]

itllgetbetter,

 

Can't speak for everyone, but, with my stbx, most of her button pushing was done in order to make me angry at her so I would respond and she could tell herself "see, I made the right choice, he's angry and flips out over nothing."

 

The best thing I've done for myself in all of this is to NOT react. I ignore the rant emails, the rant phone messages and just address things that concern the kids.

 

craig2425,

 

Sorry to hear things are up and down, but, that's what real relationships are. You are doing everything you can and your only option now, if you really want to save this relationship, is to give her some time and space and focus on being the best person you can be...for yourself. If it doesn't work out with her, you will be better off. If it does work out with her, you will both be better off...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Craig2425]

Well she's done.

When we were younger (16-17) I had anger problems and would yell and cuss. I worked on that but turned my anger problems to emotional abuse towards her when I would get angry.

I would make sly sarcastic remarks toward and at her when I got mad instead of yelling.

 

She said today that she cant get past all those years of being treated like that. It doesn't matter how good I treat her now or that I'm in counseling working on Me and us. She just can't get past that stuff.

She said that she doesn't feel any love towards me except that we've been together along time but nothing like a wife should for a husband and can't imagine that would change.

Maybe things would have been different if I would have given her space when we were separated to work past that stuff but I didn't.

I like most of everybody on here chased her and persued her everyday and night.

 

We just went to counseling on Monday and the counselor didn't have much to say about her feelings at all. Just that I should give her space.

My w said that she's been reading books and on the Internet but couldn't really find anything with our problems( because we have so much).

Everything she found was she could forgive or get past if it was just one thing but we have all the years of emotional abuse and the way I left.

She asked the counselor if she could get past this stuff and the answer was I can't answer that for you. Only you can.

 

As you can imagine I'm super depressed again.

I'm starting all over in this process.

I have to go thru all the feelings all over again

My wife not being with me

My wife being with someone else

Only seeing my kid half the time

Not being there for all the holidays.

 

One of the worst things is seeing my daughter go thru this again( it hasn't happened just yet as she had just told me this 30 mins ago).

She was so happy that we were a family again.

 

I guess even with all the effort and work I put in and still am it doesn't matter. Her mind is made up.

 

I'm sure I'll be posting a lot more now that I'm super depressed again.

[marqueemoon4]

I'm sorry Craig.. please don't beat yourself up. It's gonna take some time but you'll get through this.

[Craig2425]

I know. Just sucks because I thought we were working thru stuff.

Thanks

[Craig2425]

Has anyone on this board been thru anything close to me?

I'd like to read and or ask then a few questions.

[worldgonewrong]

ahhh, Craig, I'm sorry.

I don't know what's worse - keep going down the hole or starting over in the hole.

[dreamingoftigers]

Has she made any plans yet or done anything to move?

 

Btw EMDR.

[Craig2425]

She's told me that she never got time to heal herself and doesn't have any love for me." How can she try when I don't love you"?

"She's made up her mind" when I left she moved into a new place and I moved back in there so I will have to move.

Plans? She's trying to figure a way to repay me some of the money I brought in and she spent.

Doesn't want to leave me high and dry I guess.

I don't know what emdr means

[dreamingoftigers]

EMDR therapy for trauma triggers.

[Craig2425]

What's your thoughts?

[Craig2425]

How do you go back to giving someone space after this?

She keeps throwing out if I would have given her space to take care of herself and you should give me space now but on the same breath it's I'm sure I'm done.

Which is it? Are we done or do you want space?

She thinks she tried. To a certain exstent she did. I mean she did come back and go to counseling but she has all this anger and emotional abuse stuff towards me that going to counseling wouldn't work because she couldn't forgive,get past stuff.

She never truely opened herself up to me.

It's like she just did this for the sake of saying yes I tried but never really gave a a fair shot.

Am I being wrong in the way I'm thinking?

Am I just too hurt to see that she did try?

 

Dot, I researched the emdr stuff and thats some of the stuff she suffers from. I told her about it ( because her new thing is she wants to work on herself) but she got mad and said I'm not listening. I want space and I want to do this myself. I'm a big girl and can figure stuff out alone.

 

Things were going pretty good at the beginning of counseling. She even said so herself. Because she did say that I pushed for things to go quicker.

She throws that in my face too.

 

Well it's official. I'm back go being a mess again.

[strangeways]

Very sorry to hear this Craig. Same thing happened to me yesterday.

 

We've been seperated almost 2 years and in the last few months have been reconciling and things seemingly going well.. I was to move into her place in 2 weeks. Got many of the same reasons as you.

 

Don't really now what advice to give. Still getting my head round it myself. I understand your pain and frustration. You're not alone.

 

BTW my wife (stbx now I guess) wasn't the ex that brought me to LS.

[dreamingoftigers]

Testing, testing 1,2,3....

 

Told you in PM she was gonna do this. She feels crap about herself and is blaming all the externals. You are trying to present external options when she isn't ready to hear them. Active listening.

 

If she is going around telling you how "it's done" "it's done" "I need space" "what's on tv?" she hasn't withdrawn and you haven't just taken the info and just been that guy who can listen without resistance.

 

Remember kind of like all the 180 principles. Seriously, right now your happiness cannot be dependent on her stability. She ain't there yet.

 

Hit the books again and stay calm. She never worked through the abandonment issues so here they come again. And they were so much fun last time.....

 

As long as she feels crap about herself and powerless, she isn't going to want to be in the marriage. People are like that.

 

Just hit the books again, learn to duck, be positive and optimistic and wait this one out. I know it gets harder each time because the connection feels less and less and you reach a max tolerance for feeling alone or shamed by your partner. I am not saying to eat her crap for breakfast until the end of time, but I do believe ending a relationship is a very personal decision.

 

Btw she might even be kind of "addicted" to yanking your chain in the relationship for the reaction, if you don't give her a smother/abandon reaction that will go a long way.

 

What was different about the way you were acting when you reconciled vs. now?