Is there hope?

[Craig2425]

Ugh..................

[dreamingoftigers]

"don't hurt the OM. he's such a nice guy. He once saved a kitten. Kinda." Ugh...

[wilsonx]

You know whats really bad, all these posts are the same with the ex wives or soon to be ex wives as the GIGS type posts in the breakup and break forum. These are just longer term with kids, house, marriage involved. I have been following this thread and MM4 thread and its the same pattern I had in my relationship and a lot of people have on the breakup forum. Its the same exact pattern just longer term with the emotionally immature significant other.

 

Whats even sadder is the guys that take them in. They are taking in a person thats married, cheated on their married partner, and are leaving their married partner for them. Do they not understand that history repeats itself? They aren't going to be immune to this.

 

I wrote a thread called the I am no longer attracted to you thread and posted it in the breakup forum and all these types of behavior is pure selfishness. The girl I referenced in the thread, her and i had an argument Thurs about what she said. She said pretty much, if she think the grass is greenier on the other side of the fence, she's going to hop over it. That's what all these people do. Instead of facing problems in their life, they just run. It's a shame and she thinks its perfectly ok to do.

Edited August 20, 2011 by wilsonx

[gemlike]

I just joined LoveShack because I am having a hard time falling back in love with my husband. Your thread was listed at the top with great reviews, so I had to take the time to read it. Your story is a lot like mine, except I am more or less in your ex-wife's shoes. I didn't read every post, but in the beginning you said you walked out on her and not in a good way. You also mentioned you emotionally abused her before leaving her and then couldn't leave her alone once you wanted her back. I understand everyone here is saying you should be angry with her, but I question if they have read all your post. My husband walked out on me about 15 months ago and then once I started dating he came begging for me back. We have a four year old son and for his sake, I gave him another chance. He has been sincere in trying and I believe he knows he made a mistake, but I am having a hard time getting past the pain that was caused, trusting him not to hurt me again, and ultimately falling back in love. He has now turned it on me. I am the one that is causing this and if I can't fix it then it will be my fault my son doesn't have mom and dad together. I have been put through the ultimate roller coaster for over a year and no longer even know my own emotions. I would assume your wife is in the same position. You obviously have had doubtsabout stuff since you left her and I am sure that is a lot of pressure on her. I know you have already left again since she said she can't try anymore, but I would really recommend you look at the whole picture. She did come back and give you a chance, which for me was the hardest thing ever. She did go to counseling with you, which I still can't get myself to do with my hubby. You even said things were going good, but you also mentioned that she needed space and was having a hard time. From your own admittance you mentioned you were having a hard time backing-off. It sounds like she was trying to hang on to the ledge, but couldn't get the free space to really grab on. Woman are NEVER what we seem. Don't try to guess what we think or what we are doing. Maybe just give her the space she asked for, focus on making yourself happy, spending quality time with you daughter and see what happens. You guys seem to have a lot more going then most people I know in these hard times (since you came back even when dating other people and also were willing to go get help) and you guys have hung on a long time through this.

 

You mentioned she finally admitted to talking with her boyfriend. How did you find this out? It seems like there is bigger trust issues with you guys then what you may have mentioned here. Has there been cheating before. So she is seeing him again? Did she explain why or for how long? I agree don't waste your time going after her or him. You need to be the bigger person in all of this and everything always comes back around.

 

I am glad I found your post and got a look at how my husband may see things.

[marqueemoon4]

It's almost like some kind of cruel joke. Some women just have to have chaos and drama in their lives to feel good about themselves. The concept of empathy is COMPLETELY lost on these people. It never for a millisecond crosses their mind how THEY would feel if someone did this to them. How would my exW feel is some some psycho chick put our son thru something like this? She'd want them dead. It's our ME ME ME society that perpetuates this behavior. I want people to be happy, just not at my expense.

Edited August 20, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[Craig2425]

Im actually very trusting and have always been. But once you've been thru what I've been thru and you get the ilybnilwy speech along with sudden change of heart about us, can't get me out fast enough and wants a divorce you start to wonder.

I didn't want to look but there were too many things that didn't add up.

I checked her cell phone bill and she had called her ex bf last week a few times in one day and this morning while she's at work.

If I call when she's at work she has to go so she doesn't get into trouble but she can talk to him for 30 mins at a time?

She's not very smart as I wouldn't know his number but she had it programed on the house phone.

When someone tells you they love you one day and then the next they ignore you and start to act sneaky it would make anyone wonder. Wait two weeks then have the ilybnilwy speech and her logging off facebook everytime and taking her cell phone everywhere with her you start go worry.

That's when you think oh... May e this could be happening to me.

Makes you wonder how long she's been texting or in contact with him? Maybe this is why she had such a sudden change of heart.

 

As for you and your husband. If he's really trying and making progress he's a good guy. There's not a lot of guys who would do that.

But. Don't let him try alone. It takes two to **** up a marriage(something my wife doesn't realize) and it takes two to fix it(also something she doesn't realize).

I was giving her space but it appears she only wanted space to go out and be with this guy.

I could get past the fact that she slept with this guy when I left her. I could get past the fact that she was having a hard time trying and it would take awhile.

But I can't and will not get past her lying to me and going back go him behind my back.

 

I was staying there giving her space until today when I found this out. I started packing my stuff immediately .

She wanted space? She's got it.

I hope she can live with the fact that she gave up her family for some guy she only knew for a couple months.

The grass isn't greener.

 

The emotional abuse stuff. Yes I would get upset and put her down but not everyday. I didn't come home and make her feel worthless. I'm not saying what I did was ok because it wasn't. I should t have talked to her like that. But I wasn't a horrible person.

It doesn't matter. I'm still going go counseling because I don't wJtro be like that to my daughter or anybody else.

 

My wife never tried. Yes she came back but why? To just sit here while I do everyhinh and have her say she can't.

She didn't want to take any fault for her part. Like I said it takes two to mess stuff up.

I know that I tried my ass off and would have done anythunh to keep my family together and I can live with that.

In a couple months her honeymoon phase with this guy will be over and she will see that every relationship takes work.

Only to realize that now she will miss half her daughters life because of that.

That's something she will have to live with too.

You might want to think hard and long about your marriage. If he's trying you might want to too.

 

 

I just joined LoveShack because I am having a hard time falling back in love with my husband. Your thread was listed at the top with great reviews, so I had to take the time to read it. Your story is a lot like mine, except I am more or less in your ex-wife's shoes. I didn't read every post, but in the beginning you said you walked out on her and not in a good way. You also mentioned you emotionally abused her before leaving her and then couldn't leave her alone once you wanted her back. I understand everyone here is saying you should be angry with her, but I question if they have read all your post. My husband walked out on me about 15 months ago and then once I started dating he came begging for me back. We have a four year old son and for his sake, I gave him another chance. He has been sincere in trying and I believe he knows he made a mistake, but I am having a hard time getting past the pain that was caused, trusting him not to hurt me again, and ultimately falling back in love. He has now turned it on me. I am the one that is causing this and if I can't fix it then it will be my fault my son doesn't have mom and dad together. I have been put through the ultimate roller coaster for over a year and no longer even know my own emotions. I would assume your wife is in the same position. You obviously have had doubtsabout stuff since you left her and I am sure that is a lot of pressure on her. I know you have already left again since she said she can't try anymore, but I would really recommend you look at the whole picture. She did come back and give you a chance, which for me was the hardest thing ever. She did go to counseling with you, which I still can't get myself to do with my hubby. You even said things were going good, but you also mentioned that she needed space and was having a hard time. From your own admittance you mentioned you were having a hard time backing-off. It sounds like she was trying to hang on to the ledge, but couldn't get the free space to really grab on. Woman are NEVER what we seem. Don't try to guess what we think or what we are doing. Maybe just give her the space she asked for, focus on making yourself happy, spending quality time with you daughter and see what happens. You guys seem to have a lot more going then most people I know in these hard times (since you came back even when dating other people and also were willing to go get help) and you guys have hung on a long time through this.

 

You mentioned she finally admitted to talking with her boyfriend. How did you find this out? It seems like there is bigger trust issues with you guys then what you may have mentioned here. Has there been cheating before. So she is seeing him again? Did she explain why or for how long? I agree don't waste your time going after her or him. You need to be the bigger person in all of this and everything always comes back around.

 

I am glad I found your post and got a look at how my husband may see things.

[wilsonx]

It's almost like some kind of cruel joke. Some women just have to have chaos and drama in their lives to feel good about themselves. The concept of empathy is COMPLETELY lost on these people. It never for a millisecond crosses their mind how THEY would feel if someone did this to them. How would my exW feel is some some psycho chick put our son thru something like this? She'd want them dead. It's our ME ME ME society that perpetuates this behavior. I want people to be happy, just not at my expense.

 

I think its our environment and how we were raised more then society. I honestly think our situations are alike. I can probably guess it was a bad upbringing growing up. Either no mother in the picture or she was and she was emotionally unavailable and the father wasn't in the picture or was absent a significant portion of her life.

[dreamingoftigers]

I seem to notice a pattern too: much younger woman, divorced or tumultuous family, really easy to get into a relationship with her, impulsive, seems to be looking for someone to "take care of her."

[Craig2425]

Went and hung out with my sister for a bit and glad I did.

I was beginning to believe some of the **** (w) was saying. Like she only said things were going good go the counselor multiple times because knead and and she didn't want to hurt me.

My sister told me tonight that she told her that things were great and shes so excited that I'm trying and I wanted to do counseling.

I guess she would post stuff on facebook too like if I got flowers or did something nice like don't i have the best husband.

How do you go from that to i can't get past stuff and I'm sure I'm done?

Um..... You start back up with the bf that's how.

I've also noticed that she will turn anything and everything around on me to be my fault.

Like the I told the counselor things were good because you were there and wouldn't be able to handle the truth. So now that's my fault.

 

Dot- that convo that i showed you from earlier this morning at 940-10. Remember how she was being?

Well guess who she was talking to at that time.

 

I really ****ing hate that I'm gonna miss out on my daughter life now and some ****ing scumbag is gonna get to be with her half the time.

[dreamingoftigers]

She is so emotionally dependent that cheating is probably the only way that she could avoid the pain for a bit and have someone fill that void for her.

 

He must not be very bright though. Getting involved with a woman freshly "attempting" to leave her marriage is like playing Russian Roulette with Tylenol and Cyanide.

[Craig2425]

She is so emotionally dependent that cheating is probably the only way that she could avoid the pain for a bit and have someone fill that void for her.

 

He must not be very bright though. Getting involved with a woman freshly "attempting" to leave her marriage is like playing Russian Roulette with Tylenol and Cyanide.

 

He must not care because this is the second time he's done it.

 

Also just saw one of our mutal friends post that she had fun with the girls tonight.

I can see she affected by this . She could give two ****s that our daughter is in pain and that she only has her half the time now.

[Craig2425]

She emailed me at 1 this morning(after her night out with the "girls" pretty much saying I'm taking this the wrong way. It's not what I think and I have no right to be mad because she's not with me and who cares.

I never even responded. What's the point? She's just goinh to argue her point and I know what she did was and is wrong.

 

Why do these people think they can do any ****ty thing they want and still try and them it around on you?

Or they can say things like I've never had one time in my life when I was with you that I was happy. That's why I can't try, I don't know what it would be like to be happy?

Then why did you marry me,stay with me for 11 years and have a kid?

I married you because I thought you would change and we would be happy. I was being selfish and married you because I wanted to be married.

I had a kid with you because of the same reason.

What kinda monster is this person? Or how stupid does that sound? Who in their right mind would stay that long,get married or have a kid if you were never happy not even once.

Talk about the total re-write of history.

She will stop at nothing to make herself feel good about what she's doing.

[marqueemoon4]

She is so emotionally dependent that cheating is probably the only way that she could avoid the pain for a bit and have someone fill that void for her.

 

He must not be very bright though. Getting involved with a woman freshly "attempting" to leave her marriage is like playing Russian Roulette with Tylenol and Cyanide.

 

gee, its working out perfectly for my exW. and just to up the Jerry Springer element more, THE OM was separated too!! He is now twice divorced at age 36, LOOL. what a joke. I guess he wanted an insta family or shoots blanks. Sorry OM, he's not your son and never will be. YOU ARE IRRELEVANT.

 

She emailed me at 1 this morning(after her night out with the "girls" pretty much saying I'm taking this the wrong way. It's not what I think and I have no right to be mad because she's not with me and who cares.

I never even responded. What's the point? She's just goinh to argue her point and I know what she did was and is wrong.

 

Why do these people think they can do any ****ty thing they want and still try and them it around on you?

Or they can say things like I've never had one time in my life when I was with you that I was happy. That's why I can't try, I don't know what it would be like to be happy?

Then why did you marry me,stay with me for 11 years and have a kid?

I married you because I thought you would change and we would be happy. I was being selfish and married you because I wanted to be married.

I had a kid with you because of the same reason.

What kinda monster is this person? Or how stupid does that sound? Who in their right mind would stay that long,get married or have a kid if you were never happy not even once.

Talk about the total re-write of history.

She will stop at nothing to make herself feel good about what she's doing.

 

People are excellent at fooling themselves if it benefits them. If they actually have to look in the mirror and take some responsibilty, not so much. CRAIG WE BOTH HAVE TO NOT LET THIS GET TO US. There is nothing you can do.. even if she ever takes "some" responsibility believe me she will do it because she has ulterior motives. LC all the way brotha.

Edited August 20, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[Craig2425]

gee, its working out perfectly for my exW. and just to up the Jerry Springer element more, THE OM was separated too!! He is now twice divorced at age 36, LOOL. what a joke. I guess he wanted an insta family or shoots blanks. Sorry OM, he's not your son and never will be. YOU ARE IRRELEVANT.

 

 

 

People are excellent at fooling themselves if it benefits them. If they actually have to look in the mirror and take some responsibilty, not so much. CRAIG WE BOTH HAVE TO NOT LET THIS GET TO US. There is nothing you can do.. even if she ever takes "some" responsibility believe me she will do it because she has ulterior motives. LC all the way brotha.

Agree. I want to write her back and tell her my thoughts and views but what good will that do? She wont listen, she will just turn stuff around on me and I'll be even more upset.

I've just been venting here anytime I get any thought of responding to her.

 

I'm beginning to wonder if she will ever she what she did/doing. I guess when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter.

I'm just pissed that everything is my fault in her eyes.

We've been to counseling and even when the counselor talks to her about what she did/doing I don't think she pays attention to that. I think she just blocks out that and opens back up when my faults come back up.

[Steen719]

I hear you. It is hard to see someone not take any responsibility for what they have done to a marriage. It can make you want to scream at the top of your lungs, but while others might hear you, she would never understand what you are trying to say.

 

Yeah, post here instead of talking to her. At least we hear you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Making a speech to the deaf on high volume doesn't strike me as being productive.

[Craig2425]

Went from being angry to sad again.

Camt believe her

[2011aug]

I read some of your posts in this thread. I dont know what is it that you want from your marriage now.

 

Stay or leave? Simply this.

[dreamingoftigers]

You will go from depressed to pissed for awhile until you feel in control of the outcome of your life again. Not to say that you can control the events that happen in it. But that you have some say in the outcome.

 

E + R = O

 

events + your reaction = your outcome

[marqueemoon4]

I like that E+R = O thing.. its not always the case, but......

 

I know one reason why I am still not over this.. because I HATE that I gave someone the power to determine how my life is going to be. I had NO SAY in any of it, nothing. And I was up against someone who knew how to work the system to her favor and put me in a horrible position. It eats me up.

[Craig2425]

Yeah that makes sense. I'm just having a hard time dealing with the fact that she couldn't or should I say wouldn't try for her family and just chose to start talking to om again.

I've never seen someone change or re write history as much as this person even when it was only a few months ago she was happy with things.

 

Aug-I wanted to work things out and I tried but when I found out she was talking to om again I stopped wanting to.

She would say I'm done with you, I'm 100% sure but.... If I would have had space or who knows what the future holds. Really all she was doing was keeping me on the back burner while she looked around. That way if she found something she liked she could say I told you we were done but if she didn't find anything she could be like I had my space and let's see.

Too many lies and contradictions caught up with her and she forgot to cover her tracks.

I hope other man is worth not seeing her daughter everyday. I know for me it's not and I don't k is how she could do that.

[marqueemoon4]

Yeah that makes sense. I'm just having a hard time dealing with the fact that she couldn't or should I say wouldn't try for her family and just chose to start talking to om again.

I've never seen someone change or re write history as much as this person even when it was only a few months ago she was happy with things.

 

Aug-I wanted to work things out and I tried but when I found out she was talking to om again I stopped wanting to.

She would say I'm done with you, I'm 100% sure but.... If I would have had space or who knows what the future holds. Really all she was doing was keeping me on the back burner while she looked around. That way if she found something she liked she could say I told you we were done but if she didn't find anything she could be like I had my space and let's see.

Too many lies and contradictions caught up with her and she forgot to cover her tracks.

I hope other man is worth not seeing her daughter everyday. I know for me it's not and I don't k is how she could do that.

 

Craig, unfortunately its not the OM that makes it worth not seeing her daughter every day, its that she isn't tied to you for life that makes it worth it to her. Harsh I know, but most likely the truth.

[Craig2425]

Craig, unfortunately its not the OM that makes it worth not seeing her daughter every day, its that she isn't tied to you for life that makes it worth it to her. Harsh I know, but most likely the truth.

 

If this is the case then why is she in such a rush to be with someone else?

If it was she just doesn't want to be tied down to me she could still get a divorce .

Maybe I'm not understanding what you're saying. I've been having trouble concentrating and unable to do the simplest of tasks.

[Craig2425]

How can this person want to try for our relationship say things are going great to me, our counselor, my sister and everyone on her facebook then a couple months go by and she can't try?

How do you go from one extreme to another?

I feel that she's using i can't get past stuff as an excuse.

She says it's not even how things are now its the emotional damage i caused from before.

If this is true then how could you say everything was great, you are so happy that I'm going to counseling? Just to say oh yeah.... I can't do this anymore.

This is what pisses me off the most. I could see if I came back and she wasn't that into it and then said I can't do this.

****!!!!

[dreamingoftigers]

It's this: she is emotionally overloaded. But instead of working through it and taking care of herself, she would rather avoid the situation.

 

You guys have been entangled for a long time. Often when people get into relationships like that, they are avoiding something in themselves.

 

The more people avoid things, the messier and more incubated and under pressure things get.

 

This guy is no hero. But he may feel like one to her because when she is around him she doesn't have to think of her life's consequences or the work that she would have to do to fix it.