Is there hope?

[Craig2425]

After doing tons of research online and talking with counselor I've to to realize that I'm not all to blame for the emotional abuse.

Turns out she was doing it to me aswell.

 

I feel good that I'm working on me to correct it.

 

Pretty bummed out that tonight is my last night with my daughter for five days. We had a great time and can't wait till next Monday/Tuesday.

 

Also found out that stbxw is back on birth control.

And guess what? She had an excuse for that too. Lol.

It is what it is now.

[broken_mommy]

Not sure how often this happens, but I am sure this is going to make for a great read.... I am Craig2425 ex-wife. All I did was Google the user name he uses for everything and this forum was the first thing to show up on the search.

 

At first I didn't want to tell him I found it, because I liked that he felt like he had "someone" he could turn to. Then I started reading the post he wrote and I couldn't believe it.

 

I know everyone thinks I am a cheating wife, but that is not the case at all. In September of 2010 I proceed to go to our bedroom and waited up for him to come up to join me for bed. When he didn't come up after 30 minutes, I went down and asked him if he was coming up, he responded that he was not. I figured no big deal and went back upstairs. Then when I got up to my room again I got the most unexpected TEXT from my husband saying he wanted a divorce. We did not have a horrible marriage, did not fight all the time, had a beautiful daughter, a nice house, a company, nice cars, traveled, and had fun. His ONLY complaint was the lack of sex he was receiving. All of a sudden the next day he was packed and out of the house, leaving me with all the bills and a daughter to raise with no warning. He was the most awful person you have ever met after this.

 

To give a little history... We have been together almost 12 years....I noticed there was an issue with how often Craig felt he should be having sex. I had a hard time giving him more of the attention he needed, when I felt like I was raising a home alone. I would bath my daughter, cook, clean and do everything. He would sit and play video games for hours. I would take my daughter out of the house so he could have time to play or jam, and he would still play when we got home. I would take my daughter to amusement parks alone, took her camping at 2 months old alone cause he didn't want to go. I pushed my daughters Queen mattress up the stairs while he sat on the stairs and watched, or I delt with everything from the lawn maintentance guys to the car maintenance. I wanted him to be happy and So in 2009 I started researching solutions. I recommended counciling and he said NEVER. I recommened Church and he said NEVER. I read books and learned how men feel "loved" through sex and woman feel "loved" through romance. I asked him to read the books with me and he wouldn't. I was at a loss. Then in April 2010 he decided he didn't want to be married anymore and walked out the door. After a few months of living at a friends he realized what he had walked away from (I never asked him to come back) and begged me to take him back, so in July I agreed. Nothing bad happened over the next couple months and things seemed really good. Then on that fateful night I got the shock of my life when he walked out on me AGAIN.

 

Then in October of 2010, I found out he was dating his ex-girlfriend from 12 years ago. I was heartbroken to say the least. I still tried to be nice to him, to make things easier on my daughter. I went trick-or-treating with him, so we both could be there for my daughter and was totally nice to him. I told him he could take anything from the house, he could take the lexus, I didn't fight him. I didn't make him pay child support so he could save money to get a place of his own and not stay at his moms. I gave him 50% custody of our daughter when he asked for it because I felt he was a great dad and our daughter deserved that, he in turn said "you must not want your daughter so you can go out and party" (Which I am the furthest thing from a partier). I let him stay the night at my home on Christmas so he wouldn't miss anything and ensured our daughter gave him a framed pic, his response was "What the f$@! am I supposed to do with this". I asked him to watch our daughter so I could load the U-haul and he responded by telling me he was on a date at the movies. Then in late November 2010, my friends pushed me to try dating becuase they could see how depressed I was. I went on a couple of dates with a guy and realized how nieve I was to dating after all these years.

 

Then I started dating a great guy by accident. I started to finally move on and got my life without Craig back together. All off a sudden Craig decided "Oh crap" and decided he wanted his family back. For four months straight Craig called me, texted me, emailed me, showed up at my house at midnight, called my friends, called my family members and pushed hard for me to come back. He said he wanted to do counciling again. I recently went through my phone bill and found that on average Craig was texting me 96 times a day. That is once every 8 minutes for 12 hours straight. I can not even begin to tell you what this does to a person. I ended up just breaking down. In March I ended things with the guy I was dating. Our relationship was perfect and he was heartbroken, but I couldn't deal with Craig anymore. If I wasn't scared of how a restraining order would have effected Craigs future (jobs, etc), I would have filed one. I finally just gave in and agreed to go to counciling. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. To go back to this man that had done and said some of the most horrible things to me for the last year, was hard. I decided I was married still (divorce was not supposed to be legal for 2 months) and had a 3 year old, so I was going to put the past aside and do everything I could. I went to counciling and jumped in. Then slowly the past started creeping in my mind. I would be driving and think of the things he did, I would be laying in bed with him and think about him going back to his ex and wondering if he had cheated with her, I would go sit on the couch and get a look from him cause he felt I wasn't "trying" hard enough. I slowly started to feel pressure. I felt guilt for walking out the door on the guy I dated with no warning, I walked out on the friends that helped me when Craig let, I walked out on everyone that supported me for 9 months. I tried being honest with Craig, I told him I thought I needed some space. I felt like I never had time to heal. I went from being harrassed by him EVERY day to trying to be in love with him and never dealt with ME. He said he would give me this space, but it never happened. He tried, Ill admit that, but it was too hard for him. All this did was push me further. Then one day I just lost it and told him I couldn't do it anymore. This was in July of 2011.

 

I wasn't really sure this was what I wanted, but I knew if I couldn't get the space I needed to heal, then we could never work. So this was the choice I had. I told hiim he could sleep in the house still and lets take it slow. Craig started going through my phone bills and stuff and freaking out (I didn't know this). That is when he came across a phone conversation I had with the guy I had dated during our divorce. I had not mentioned it at this point because Craig and I were not together and honestly, what was the point? I know how it looked, but it wasn't that at all. I had gone to the shopping center by my work at lunch an when I pulled in that guy was right there. I freaked out and left, never saying a word. He saw me though and called me. This was the first time we had talked since I walked out on him. It was the most innocent conversation ever. My partner at work was even sitting next to me. We talked about his family, his brother getting engaged to my best friend, his new job, and his new GIRLFRIEND. Ill admit, it took a weight off my shoulder knowing he was okay and had forgiven me. Then a week later I texted him cause I heard he bought a car and asked what he got and how he liked it. Then after that we never talked again beause he made it clear he was in a serious relationship and he didn't want drama with Craig. That was it. Of course Craig didn't believe me. He called me "whore" and said I must feel good for leaving my family for my boyfriend. If you know me, you would know I am a person you can trust. Craig knows this. I could go to vegas with the girls and he could trust me. This is why once I walked out of the guy I was dating to give Craig another chance I never spoke to him, not ONCE. I over night cut him off.

 

After this I told Craig he needed to go to his moms. I couldn't handle him going though my stuff and accussing me of stuff while he lives in my house for free (I say "my house:, becuase this is the house I moved into alone after Craig left me). I told him he could come back on his days and stay with our daughter to make it easier on her. I ended up going to sleep in my car one night, just so he could have the house alone and I wouldn't have to deal with his mean words and my daughter could have her home. What ex wife does this? What ex husband lets there ex wife sleep in their car on some street, while he stays in her home? After one night, I decided I was sick of being the nice one and couldn't keep being nice to him and have him talk down to me, so I told him he couldn't stay there at all.

 

I then started googling all his user names and found him on porn sites and affair sites.... and this one. He isn't so innocent.... (Way more to the history of this, but I wont go there now)

 

While all this was going on, I was talking to our marriage councilor through email still. I was talking to woman on groups that had similiar issues, I was making amends with people I had abanded when I took Craig back, I went to church and was starting to feel level. I told everyone I thought Craig and I should be together, we just needed this leveled break to get past the year of hurt. I couldn't tell him this, becuase he couldn't give space. I called my obgyn and scheduled an appt to get my infertility medicine. I knew Craig and I wanted another child and figured since we had a hard time last time, I should start getting ready now. He said before he will prescibe Clomid, he requires his patients to do 2 months of birth control to regulate their menstrual cycle. So I started back on birth control. Then Craig came over to my house one day and foudn it and of course called me every name in the book. At that point I was so upset that he thought he could just come in my house (he thought I was at work) and the stuff he was saying, that I never told him why. Also, during this time I had called his family that lives in another state and talked to them about possibly moving back there. I thought maybe Craig and I needed to get away from California and start over. I thought it might be nice to have family to help with our daughter. I also applied for jobs and actualy got a great offer. I talked to my current boss and told her my plan. I never told Craig cause I was still waiting to see how he was going to be. It didn't matter how nice or honest I was, I got called every name under the sun. I couldn't pay him to be nice to me. I wondered if this was the best deicision. How can someone be so mean, if they really loved me?

 

 

Then three days ago Craig calls me and acts all nice asking what I am doing. I answer him, thinking wow this is nice. Then his next words came tumbling down. He wanted to know so his sister could serve me the divorce papers. Divorce papers??? He had gone behind my back and filed divorce papers. Then had his sister try to serve me at work in front of all my co-workers (When I told him I would meet her in a couple days). He got sneaky and never told me what he was doing. Plus I am paying for ALL of my daughters child care, ALL of my daughters Medical Insurance, ALL of her swim, and even ALL of Craigs healthy and car insurance because hs isn't working. But he can borrow the money to go pay for a divorce, while I struggle to pay stuff and even pay for his stuff. No ex would ever do, but I keep trying to be nice hoping one day he will return the favor. So now the fertility appointment is being cancelled, the other job is being declined and he has now made our relationship like millions of others.... ending in divorce and probably a nasty one.

 

I admit I have done wrong, I admit I have hurt him in the last couple months by all my indescision, but nothing I have done compares to how he walked out on me and my daughter. I think I did 1000 things that most ex-wives would never have done if a man did the things he did. I tried being nice, I tried being fair, and I have NEVER cheated on him. He has this life because of choices he made. Clear and simple.

 

I hope this gives everyone a little more insight. Bet this doesn't happen often on here.....

Edited September 11, 2011 by broken_mommy

[Saul Goodman]

That's interesting. We usually only get one side of the story here and I sometimes think about what my wife would type up if she used LS.

 

Is it all true Craig? I also wouldn't recommend that you use the same username over different sites.

 

Bet this doesn't happen often on here.....

What Next and Done Wrong. That's pretty much the only other LS couple I can think of that has pulled something like this.

[Craig2425]

i responded below her paragraphs.

 

 

Not sure how often this happens, but I am sure this is going to make for a great read.... I am Craig2425 ex-wife. All I did was Google the user name he uses for everything and this forum was the first thing to show up on the search.

 

At first I didn't want to tell him I found it, because I liked that he felt like he had "someone" he could turn to. Then I started reading the post he wrote and I couldn't believe it.

 

I know everyone thinks I am a cheating wife, but that is not the case at all. In September of 2010 I proceed to go to our bedroom and waited up for him to come up to join me for bed. When he didn't come up after 30 minutes, I went down and asked him if he was coming up, he responded that he was not. I figured no big deal and went back upstairs. Then when I got up to my room again I got the most unexpected TEXT from my husband saying he wanted a divorce. We did not have a horrible marriage, did not fight all the time, had a beautiful daughter, a nice house, a company, nice cars, traveled, and had fun. His ONLY complaint was the lack of sex he was receiving. All of a sudden the next day he was packed and out of the house, leaving me with all the bills and a daughter to raise with no warning. He was the most awful person you have ever met after this.

 

 

some of this is true. yes that is how i left . really ****ty way and im not proud of the way i handled this. while she is right that we didnt fight and we had nice things i didnt feel loved by her. i went thru several periods of no sex at all(one time was 6 months). again after leaving i started to read and realized that i wasnt meeting her needs. ive already said this in my thread multiple times.

 

 

To give a little history... We have been together almost 12 years....I noticed there was an issue with how often Craig felt he should be having sex. I had a hard time giving him more of the attention he needed, when I felt like I was raising a home alone. I would bath my daughter, cook, clean and do everything. He would sit and play video games for hours. I would take my daughter out of the house so he could have time to play or jam, and he would still play when we got home. I would take my daughter to amusement parks alone, took her camping at 2 months old alone cause he didn't want to go. I pushed my daughters Queen mattress up the stairs while he sat on the stairs and watched, or I delt with everything from the lawn maintentance guys to the car maintenance. I wanted him to be happy and So in 2009 I started researching solutions. I recommended counciling and he said NEVER. I recommened Church and he said NEVER. I read books and learned how men feel "loved" through sex and woman feel "loved" through romance. I asked him to read the books with me and he wouldn't. I was at a loss. Then in April 2010 he decided he didn't want to be married anymore and walked out the door. After a few months of living at a friends he realized what he had walked away from (I never asked him to come back) and begged me to take him back, so in July I agreed. Nothing bad happened over the next couple months and things seemed really good. Then on that fateful night I got the shock of my life when he walked out on me AGAIN.

 

 

i was very resentful towards her for not having sex at all.it came to a point where i didnt know what to do so i turned to video games to take my mind off of things. i didnt want to cheat. i wouldnt want to be around her because i felt like i was married and i couldnt have sex with other women and my wife wouldnt have sex either. i felt trapped and was really upset.

again very poor communication skills between us and after reading i understand kinda why she wouldnt. / the bills thing is BS!!!!!

i asked lots of times to help out with stuff and was told dont worry about it or what i do with them is too complicated and shes got it.

she did try for counseling but i was so upset and at the time with the sex stuff and i didnt think i was doing anything wrong towards her so i said no.

 

 

 

Then in October of 2010, I found out he was dating his ex-girlfriend from 12 years ago. I was heartbroken to say the least. I still tried to be nice to him, to make things easier on my daughter. I went trick-or-treating with him, so we both could be there for my daughter and was totally nice to him. I told him he could take anything from the house, he could take the lexus, I didn't fight him. I didn't make him pay child support so he could save money to get a place of his own and not stay at his moms. I gave him 50% custody of our daughter when he asked for it because I felt he was a great dad and our daughter deserved that, he in turn said "you must not want your daughter so you can go out and party" (Which I am the furthest thing from a partier). I let him stay the night at my home on Christmas so he wouldn't miss anything and ensured our daughter gave him a framed pic, his response was "What the f$@! am I supposed to do with this". I asked him to watch our daughter so I could load the U-haul and he responded by telling me he was on a date at the movies. Then in late November 2010, my friends pushed me to try dating becuase they could see how depressed I was. I went on a couple of dates with a guy and realized how nieve I was to dating after all these years.

 

 

i didnt date my ex gf. i went out on a few dates and i realized it was wrong.i ran into her after i left and was angry and sad. i said i was with her longer then i really was because i was really hurt.i know lots of guy who would cheat on their wives or gf if they werent getting sex for a month let alone several months at a time and i never once cheated on my wife.this is no excuse for what i did but it is why i did it.

the lexus wasnt in her name so she didnt let me take that. she did say i could take whatever i wanted and i didnt take anything really. i took the smaller tv and stereo equipment because i was into that stuff and she wasnt, other then that i gave her everything. when i didnt have my kid 50% of the time i did too pay child support(it wasnt court ordered and it was a price that we agreed on). once i took her 50% of the time i stopped paying but we agreed on that too.

i did say hurtful things like that to her. not proud of that but i was still angry toward her and i didnt feel loved by her. she had also been out with multiple guys and staying the night at their house on the first date(wonder why???).

i told her lots of things that werent true because i knew she was going on dates and and i was hurt. i wanted to make things hard on her. i never went on a date to the movies. i sat at home and cried and felt sorry for myself.

 

 

 

 

Then I started dating a great guy by accident. I started to finally move on and got my life without Craig back together. All off a sudden Craig decided "Oh crap" and decided he wanted his family back. For four months straight Craig called me, texted me, emailed me, showed up at my house at midnight, called my friends, called my family members and pushed hard for me to come back. He said he wanted to do counciling again. I recently went through my phone bill and found that on average Craig was texting me 96 times a day. That is once every 8 minutes for 12 hours straight. I can not even begin to tell you what this does to a person. I ended up just breaking down. In March I ended things with the guy I was dating. Our relationship was perfect and he was heartbroken, but I couldn't deal with Craig anymore. If I wasn't scared of how a restraining order would have effected Craigs future (jobs, etc), I would have filed one. I finally just gave in and agreed to go to counciling. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. To go back to this man that had done and said some of the most horrible things to me for the last year, was hard. I decided I was married still (divorce was not supposed to be legal for 2 months) and had a 3 year old, so I was going to put the past aside and do everything I could. I went to counciling and jumped in. Then slowly the past started creeping in my mind. I would be driving and think of the things he did, I would be laying in bed with him and think about him going back to his ex and wondering if he had cheated with her, I would go sit on the couch and get a look from him cause he felt I wasn't "trying" hard enough. I slowly started to feel pressure. I felt guilt for walking out the door on the guy I dated with no warning, I walked out on the friends that helped me when Craig let, I walked out on everyone that supported me for 9 months. I tried being honest with Craig, I told him I thought I needed some space. I felt like I never had time to heal. I went from being harrassed by him EVERY day to trying to be in love with him and never dealt with ME. He said he would give me this space, but it never happened. He tried, Ill admit that, but it was too hard for him. All this did was push me further. Then one day I just lost it and told him I couldn't do it anymore. This was in July of 2011.

 

i started to want her back before she was with this guy but when she was with him i was scared and in more of a rush to try.i did beg and bug the crap out of her. i dont think i text her 96 times one day but maybe i did.

it wasnt like she was ignoring me and i kept doing it. she would respond and even sometimes start with me.i think it sucks that you care more about how that guy feels then you do about me. just so happened that you couldnt try or felt like this after i was out of work and all the savings was gone? then you are talking to the guy you care more about then me?

 

 

 

 

 

I wasn't really sure this was what I wanted, but I knew if I couldn't get the space I needed to heal, then we could never work. So this was the choice I had. I told hiim he could sleep in the house still and lets take it slow. Craig started going through my phone bills and stuff and freaking out (I didn't know this). That is when he came across a phone conversation I had with the guy I had dated during our divorce. I had not mentioned it at this point because Craig and I were not together and honestly, what was the point? I know how it looked, but it wasn't that at all. I had gone to the shopping center by my work at lunch an when I pulled in that guy was right there. I freaked out and left, never saying a word. He saw me though and called me. This was the first time we had talked since I walked out on him. It was the most innocent conversation ever. My partner at work was even sitting next to me. We talked about his family, his brother getting engaged to my best friend, his new job, and his new GIRLFRIEND. Ill admit, it took a weight off my shoulder knowing he was okay and had forgiven me. Then a week later I texted him cause I heard he bought a car and asked what he got and how he liked it. Then after that we never talked again beause he made it clear he was in a serious relationship and he didn't want drama with Craig. That was it. Of course Craig didn't believe me. He called me "whore" and said I must feel good for leaving my family for my boyfriend. If you know me, you would know I am a person you can trust. Craig knows this. I could go to vegas with the girls and he could trust me. This is why once I walked out of the guy I was dating to give Craig another chance I never spoke to him, not ONCE. I over night cut him off.

 

this is such BS! i started to give her space like she wanted and i said ill sleep in the other room. her space became her igonring me and needing to go out with her friends who are friends with her OM. then i started to get a gut feeling that something wasnt right. she was being very sneaky with her phone and computer,changing passwords and erasing history.

i checked her phone bill and found out she was talking to OM.

if you werent sure what you wanted then you would have told me, or at least should have. but no, you hid it from me. you even went as far as putting his number under a girls name you work with. so you werent sure what you wanted or you didnt know what guy you wanted?

i use to trust you. but not after all this.

 

 

 

 

 

After this I told Craig he needed to go to his moms. I couldn't handle him going though my stuff and accussing me of stuff while he lives in my house for free (I say "my house:, becuase this is the house I moved into alone after Craig left me). I told him he could come back on his days and stay with our daughter to make it easier on her. I ended up going to sleep in my car one night, just so he could have the house alone and I wouldn't have to deal with his mean words and my daughter could have her home. What ex wife does this? What ex husband lets there ex wife sleep in their car on some street, while he stays in her home? After one night, I decided I was sick of being the nice one and couldn't keep being nice to him and have him talk down to me, so I told him he couldn't stay there at all.

 

more BS! after i found out you called him i left. sorry i lost my job and all my savings ran out. i never gave you crap when you lost your jobs. sorry when you did the economy was still good and jobs were still available and now its not like that. you did say i could stay there and you also said you would stay at you friends house or your brothers house. we spoke to our counselor about this so dont act like it was your idea and youre such a saint.while i stayed there i didnt talk to you at all expect for our daughter.

 

 

 

 

I then started googling all his user names and found him on porn sites and affair sites.... and this one. He isn't so innocent.... (Way more to the history of this, but I wont go there now)

 

yes ive used this name for other sites but not for affair sites. there are other people out there who use this username. porn stuff. well. i joined some when i wasnt getting sex from my wife and i didnt want to cheat. sorry. maybe i should be like most of the world and just say screw her, ill find someone who will. im not like that. i married you and only wanted you.

 

 

While all this was going on, I was talking to our marriage councilor through email still. I was talking to woman on groups that had similiar issues, I was making amends with people I had abanded when I took Craig back, I went to church and was starting to feel level. I told everyone I thought Craig and I should be together, we just needed this leveled break to get past the year of hurt. I couldn't tell him this, becuase he couldn't give space. I called my obgyn and scheduled an appt to get my infertility medicine. I knew Craig and I wanted another child and figured since we had a hard time last time, I should start getting ready now. He said before he will prescibe Clomid, he requires his patients to do 2 months of birth control to regulate their menstrual cycle. So I started back on birth control. Then Craig came over to my house one day and foudn it and of course called me every name in the book. At that point I was so upset that he thought he could just come in my house (he thought I was at work) and the stuff he was saying, that I never told him why. Also, during this time I had called his family that lives in another state and talked to them about possibly moving back there. I thought maybe Craig and I needed to get away from California and start over. I thought it might be nice to have family to help with our daughter. I also applied for jobs and actualy got a great offer. I talked to my current boss and told her my plan. I never told Craig cause I was still waiting to see how he was going to be. It didn't matter how nice or honest I was, I got called every name under the sun. I couldn't pay him to be nice to me. I wondered if this was the best deicision. How can someone be so mean, if they really loved me?

 

lol.... i like how you tell everyone but me how you feel.and you seemed to be going out partying a lot.

when i came over and found the birth control i never called you every name in the book. i said that it makes a lot of sense with everything else you were doing. just the night before you went out with your two slutty friends and were sneaking around with talking with OM. i came by the house that day to get more of my clothes. i dropped our kid off at school and she lives right around the corner and i still got what i came for.

i havent even been in contact with you except for our daughter.

again good for you talking to everyone but me about stuff. funny how that works out.

 

 

 

 

 

Then three days ago Craig calls me and acts all nice asking what I am doing. I answer him, thinking wow this is nice. Then his next words came tumbling down. He wanted to know so his sister could serve me the divorce papers. Divorce papers??? He had gone behind my back and filed divorce papers. Then had his sister try to serve me at work in front of all my co-workers (When I told him I would meet her in a couple days). He got sneaky and never told me what he was doing. Plus I am paying for ALL of my daughters child care, ALL of my daughters Medical Insurance, ALL of her swim, and even ALL of Craigs healthy and car insurance because hs isn't working. But he can borrow the money to go pay for a divorce, while I struggle to pay stuff and even pay for his stuff. No ex would ever do, but I keep trying to be nice hoping one day he will return the favor. So now the fertility appointment is being cancelled, the other job is being declined and he has now made our relationship like millions of others.... ending in divorce and probably a nasty one.

 

this is the best part yet. i called you and asked if you could meet my sister or her meet you. you asked why and i said because i filed the divorce papers. you said no im too busy and i dont need them for 30 days who cares. i then had my sister go to your work where you refused to come down and get them.

the part that shes leaving out is that she has been threatening me with leaving for a new job with my kid and theres nothing i can do about it. so yes i went right away and filed.who wouldnt? who would use their kid like that? i didnt try to make it at your work and you made it difficult. maybe dont threaten people that youre gonna take their kids away from them. i never did that to you or never would. i told you i paid for them because i dont need to tell you how i do stuff anymore. you wanted to be divorced. you told me you couldnt be with me and needed your space. i filed with the fee wavier papers and dont know if its been excepted. if its not ill have to make payment with the money i dont have. quit acting like i have money and im not paying for stuff for our daughter. the divorce is only nasty because of the way youre being. i told you how i filed. the only thing i asked for was that our oral agreement be put into writing. that we keep our child custody joint and 50-50. thats it. youre the one who is saying i dont deserve that and youre going to fight me one everything.

 

 

 

 

 

I admit I have done wrong, I admit I have hurt him in the last couple months by all my indescision, but nothing I have done compares to how he walked out on me and my daughter. I think I did 1000 things that most ex-wives would never have done if a man did the things he did. I tried being nice, I tried being fair, and I have NEVER cheated on him. He has this life because of choices he made. Clear and simple.

 

 

hahahaha. now you admit youve done wrong?

 

I hope this gives everyone a little more insight. Bet this doesn't happen often on here.....

[robf1971]

His ONLY complaint was the lack of sex he was receiving. QUOTE]

 

At any time did you have a rational discussion about this? Did he ever ask you why you weren't interested sexually because I'll tell you this is one of the ultimate rejections a man can receive?

 

Did you ever tell him you weren't giving him sex because he didn't help out and do stuff round the house? Would it made a blind bit of difference anyway? Look how often on these forums when the sex goes it's because she's interested in someone else. I wouldn't blame Craig one little bit for suspecting that.

 

Anyway it's both your faults, you could probably still save it if you wanted to but it doesn't look like you do.

[Craig2425]

I forgot to mention that she has asked me many times to file for divorce because that's the only way I can get off her insurance before it's up for renewal. She's the one that told me about the fee waiver.

 

Also I forgot to mention when she threatened to move away with our daughter she wouldn't and still hasn't told me where she's going.

[Saul Goodman]

 

At any time did you have a rational discussion about this? Did he ever ask you why you weren't interested sexually because I'll tell you this is one of the ultimate rejections a man can receive?

 

Did you ever tell him you weren't giving him sex because he didn't help out and do stuff round the house? Would it made a blind bit of difference anyway? Look how often on these forums when the sex goes it's because she's interested in someone else. I wouldn't blame Craig one little bit for suspecting that.

 

Anyway it's both your faults, you could probably still save it if you wanted to but it doesn't look like you do.

 

I agree with this. Problem is, after reading the last few posts here...it's pretty obvious that this has all turned into a finger-pointing contest: Poo flinging everywhere. The reason that MC (or even a conversation without any blameshifting from either side) seems like a good idea is because this behaviour will likely continue in any future relationships. There's communication problems all over the place.

 

But there's little to be done now if neither side is willing.

Edited September 11, 2011 by Saul Goodman

[Craig2425]

There's no finger pointing. You asked me if this is true. I responded. I told you that yes some of what she said was true. I've also said this throughout my thread.

I've also come to realize what I did wrong in the marriage thru reading and counseling.

 

I agree with this. Problem is, after reading the last few posts here...it's pretty obvious that this has all turned into a finger-pointing contest: Poo flinging everywhere. The reason that MC (or even a conversation without any blameshifting from either side) seems like a good idea is because this behaviour will likely continue in any future relationships. There's communication problems all over the place.

 

But there's little to be done now if neither side is willing.

[Saul Goodman]

There's no finger pointing. You asked me if this is true. I responded. I told you that yes some of what she said was true. I've also said this throughout my thread.

I've also come to realize what I did wrong in the marriage thru reading and counseling.

 

I'll admit that "finger-pointing contest" was not the best choice of words. But...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3618586&postcount=604

 

I read the post. There is a lot of back and forth. A lot of miscommunication and misconceptions. A lot of bad choices on both sides. A few uses of the word "BS".

 

A lot of "No, that's not how it happened, this is how it happened". You've both got opposing stories here. Her story makes you seem like kind of a jerk. And your rebuttal kinda makes her seem like a jerk. I don't believe that either of you are jerks, alright?

 

There just seems to be some emotional dishonesty here. There is still a chance to rectify that. Though, I understand why you don't want to go down that path.

 

I guess what I'm getting at after reading that post is...

 

Anyway it's both your faults, you could probably still save it if you wanted to but it doesn't look like you do.

I don't know dude. If she decided to keep on posting here... Edited September 11, 2011 by Saul Goodman

[broken_mommy]

I'm was not planning on responding because I agree, it's becoming finger pointing. Of course I disagree with a lot he said;therefore, this wouldn't really go anywhere.

 

I didn't ask him to file divorce, I asked him to get a legal separation. He is not working right now and Its hard for me to pay for everything alone. If we get a legal separation, it gives us time to see where we are going (with a divorce) and it also allows me to take him off my insurance. Instead he filed divorce, which in California takes 6 months and 1 day to finalize. That means I can't take him off my insurance and am stuck paying it.

 

He didn't pay child support the first two months he left because he said he didn't have money. Then in November he paid. December he asked if he could not pay, so he could afford gifts. Then in January he paid. Then he asked he asked for 50% custody. Until right now he had it made as far as ex wifves go. I never faught him and tried agree to most things. I got pissed this month cause I continue to try and be nice and everything has to be mean from him. I threaded to take Our daughter to show him what kind of ex wife he could have.

 

Oh yes he knew why I wasn't having sex. We talked a lot about this. That's why I even read to ensure I understood his needs and how sex is how he feels "loved", I just couldn't get him to do his part.... Until after this last time, which by then I had a lot of hurt and anger.

 

 

I'm not commenting on the other stuff. He knows the truth, he just wants to look for other reasons instead of believing I could only be hurt because of HIM.

[broken_mommy]

.... I didn't date a bunch of guys and sleep at their house on first dates either. I did date a guy and I did stay at his house on the third date cause I had been drinking. He did try doing stuff and I stopped him.... That's why I said I was niece to dating. I was honest and told Craig about this. That is the only one, but this Is the stuff I'm sick of from him. I didn't choose to be single, I was trying to pick up my life and learning, so I made a mistake. I'm not slutty girl and I'm sick of hearing that.

 

My two slutty friends? Lol. It doesn't matter what I do or who I'm with, it's wrong. I met a girlfriend (married with kids) for an Hr the other day, Craig found out and texted me, hope you four are having fun (implying I had a guy with me). 99% of the time I go somewhere, I'm DD. I don't trust friends not to drink and drive, I'm the type that can dance and have a blast without it, so I just end up being DD. I'm not parting. I'm trying to hang out with friends and keep myself busy, otherwise I'll sit at home sad.

[robf1971]

I don't believe that either of you are jerks, alright?

 

The truth is always somewhere in the middle. I think they've both done stupid jerky things to each other and probably both done each other wrong.

[debtman]

I'm sure my stbx would have another side of many of my posts, and, yes, Craig, different user names help.

 

That being said, they key here seems to be trouble communicating and finding compromises...that work. My stbx is suddenly interested in reconciliation, but, I won't risk putting my kids through all of this again, and I won't ever go through this again, so, unfortunately, my kids won't grow up with a "traditional" family, but, we are BOTH so focused on doing what is best for them that we're willing to work with each other to make sure our kids get as much time with each other as possible, they are as happy as they can be and we never use them as leverage.

 

Sounds like you both, at one point, cared deeply for each other. Now, it's hard to see past the bad things, the problems, the inconsistencies, etc.

 

If there's a chance you two might get back together, REALLY go to MC and REALLY work at making things work (read What_Next's threads to see some of the good and bad of that), I'd say pursue that, but, you BOTH have to be FULLY, 100% on board, or it won't work. You might end up with a much stronger, more honest, more fair, happier marriage if you LISTEN to each other and work together to make each other happy. Use this as a learning experience and grow from it.

 

If there's no chance at reconciliation, then it's time to let the past go, doesn't matter who did what, what didn't work, etc. It's ALL in the past and doesn't matter anymore. What matters now is working together to make things as fair as possible for your daughter. Put your issues behind you and work together for her future.

 

Just my 2 cents...

 

Best of luck to you both...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Craig2425]

I tried talking to stbxw and she just won't do it. She contradicts everything she has said on here.

1-she tells people that we should be together.

2-she got a job and talked to my family about moving.

3-she got on birth control to regulate herself so we could try for kids.?

 

I tried talking to her and she says she doesn't know if she could get past stuff and doesn't want pressure from me and wants her space.

She goes out non stop with her friends to bars and clubs.

What kind of space does she need?

 

Then why would you tell people that we should be together, get a job so we can move and plan on having a kid if you don't k ow what you want?

 

I get the feeling that she just wants to keep me around and see what else comes up.

 

She won't talk to me about us but she can talk to everyone else? If I try and talk it's you're pressuring me.

I'm just sick of trying to make things better and trying to fix our horrible communication skill and get crap for it.

 

Am I wrong?

[Craig2425]

I really tried to work things out. Even after she wrote all that stuff I tried talking to her and she wouldn't.

I feel like I'm the backup plan or second. I don't deserve to be that....

[Saul Goodman]

The truth is always somewhere in the middle. I think they've both done stupid jerky things to each other and probably both done each other wrong.

 

I agree.

 

I have little doubt that emotions are flaring up. People are being painted in a nastier light than they really are. Both of them have messed up.

 

But I'm sure neither of them are genuinely jerks. Considering how nasty genuine jerks can be.

[Craig2425]

Listen, if you've read my thread you'll see that I understand that it's not all my stbx fault. I know what I did but I also tried to fix things. Our counselor has told us that one of our biggest problems is communication.

 

What I'm saying now is how can she come here and say things like she tells people she knows we should be together, she's planning on having a baby , and moving then say she needs space and doesn't want to talk.

That just seems like she's buying time and or not working on our problem with communication.

I don't get how you say all those things then say you need space because you're not sure what you want. That doesn't make any sense at all.

[Saul Goodman]

Introspection can be useful. Just don't beat yourself up too badly.

 

What I'm saying now is how can she come here and say things like she tells people she knows we should be together, she's planning on having a baby , and moving then say she needs space and doesn't want to talk.

That just seems like she's buying time and or not working on our problem with communication.

I don't get how you say all those things then say you need space because you're not sure what you want. That doesn't make any sense at all.

Woman logic.

 

I know a female co-worker that has naturally curly hair. She likes to straighten her hair up, than use a hair curler soon after.Woman logic!

 

Actually, while you are looking at your own faults Craig, she needs to do the same. Like you said, she's just jerking you around atm.

 

It's also probably not a good idea for the two of you to post your conversations here. But that's up to you two.

Edited September 13, 2011 by Saul Goodman

[Craig2425]

Introspection can be useful. Just don't beat yourself up too badly.

 

Woman logic.

 

I know a female co-worker that has naturally curly hair. She likes to straighten her hair up, than use a hair curler soon after.Woman logic!

 

Actually, while you are looking at your own faults Craig, she needs to do the same. Like you said, she's just jerking you around atm.

 

It's also probably not a good idea for the two of you to post your conversations here. But that's up to you two.

 

I agree with not posting conversations on here. I was asking about stuff that she posted on here. Just didn't understand her logic. Doesn't make sense to me to say all that stuff then contradict what she said.

 

Thanks

[Severely Unamused]

I agree with not posting conversations on here. I was asking about stuff that she posted on here. Just didn't understand her logic. Doesn't make sense to me to say all that stuff then contradict what she said.

 

Thanks

 

From a female perspective...

 

-She's confused. She doesn't know exactly what she wants.

 

-She's messing around with you. Either vindictively or (as I said above) because she is confused.

 

-You're the fallback guy.

 

-She still has love for you but her resentments are getting in the way.

 

-Fear. She's going through some large changes in her life. She isn't thinking clearly.

 

^ Could be the above. Could be something else.

 

It's up to you to ask and it's up to her to give you a good answer.

[Craig2425]

From a female perspective...

 

-She's confused. She doesn't know exactly what she wants.

 

-She's messing around with you. Either vindictively or (as I said above) because she is confused.

 

-You're the fallback guy.

 

-She still has love for you but her resentments are getting in the way.

 

-Fear. She's going through some large changes in her life. She isn't thinking clearly.

 

^ Could be the above. Could be something else.

 

It's up to you to ask and it's up to her to give you a good answer.

 

Even after our counselor told us our biggest problem is communication she still won't talk.

She comes on here and says things like she tells people we should be together etc then when I try and talk she says she needs space or doesn't have much to say.

 

It's hard being the only one who will try and work on things while the other throws stuff out like that then won't say anything to the one person they should be talking to.

 

Oh well. Once again I tried.

[Severely Unamused]

Even after our counselor told us our biggest problem is communication she still won't talk.

She comes on here and says things like she tells people we should be together etc then when I try and talk she says she needs space or doesn't have much to say.

 

Right. Judge this woman by her actions, and not her words.

 

If she genuinely wants to be with you, you'll know it.

[Craig2425]

Well I tried again to talk to her about all the things she said on here.

She said she doesn't want to talk to me. Blames me for leaving( even tho she was talking to her old bf). Said all those things she said was when I was staying there. This person only cares about herself. Does not care about me or our family. Doesn't care that our daughter says she wants mommy daddy daughter to live together.

Expects me to just sit and wait to see what she wants. She doesn't think she can get past old stuff and love me.

I can't take the pain from her anymore. I tried everything and I tried to talk and she can't even do that. I had so much bad stuff going on in my life and I needed her, that's why I was pressuring her to love,want me. Instead I got the opposite.

 

There's no way this person could care for me after she hurts me and then blames me non stop for EVERYTHING!

[debtman]

Well then, MOVE ON. Sounds like she's set against any reconciliation, time to focus on the future, move ahead, let her go. Focus on yourself, focus on your daughter, focus on getting out of this relationship and on to the next adventure that life brings.

 

I never wanted to get D and would have done anything to avoid it. Now, I've discovered that it's not that bad. It's good enough that I won't go back to my M now that my W wants to. It's too late. She showed her true colors, her ability to switch her feelings for me and our family on and off and I won't give her that chance again. I don't deserve that and neither do my kids.

 

Life is a wonderful thing...focus on the future, enjoy every moment and treasure the time with your daughter...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[robf1971]

Well I tried again to talk to her about all the things she said on here.

She said she doesn't want to talk to me. Blames me for leaving( even tho she was talking to her old bf). Said all those things she said was when I was staying there. This person only cares about herself. Does not care about me or our family. Doesn't care that our daughter says she wants mommy daddy daughter to live together.

Expects me to just sit and wait to see what she wants. She doesn't think she can get past old stuff and love me.

I can't take the pain from her anymore. I tried everything and I tried to talk and she can't even do that. I had so much bad stuff going on in my life and I needed her, that's why I was pressuring her to love,want me. Instead I got the opposite.

 

There's no way this person could care for me after she hurts me and then blames me non stop for EVERYTHING!

 

Give her what she wants, ie her freedom. Do it with a big smile on your face....