Is there hope?

[Craig2425]

So she emails me yesterday asking me if my family would let us stay with them and if they could help me get a job. She said she doesn't know if she could get past stuff and get the feelings back for me but if there was a chance she thinks we would have to move and start over.

Said she wants her daughter to have both parents and wants the family life.

I try and talk to her and she refuses and says she needs space and doesn't know what she wants.

It was just a thought.

If she doesn't know what she wants why the hell does she need to write me and act like she does know what she wants?

 

Anyways me being me I tried talking to her then she turned it around on me that I won't give her space.

I don't get why she needs to write me and act like she wants this only when it suits her.

 

I know I'm doing this to myself and need to just stop and let her go but I keep falling for all these things she throws out to me.

[debtman]

Craig,

 

I know how hard it is to finally accept the changes and move on. I also know how tempting it is to get back into the M to fix the heartache, repair the family and return to normal.

 

Remember Andy99's story though. People don't generally change of their own accord. Without IC, MC and lots of open communication, if you go back, you'll end up in the same sort of relationship and, eventually, you could end up in the same exact situation and have to go through all of this again...and subject your daughter to it...again. That was the kicker for me. I can't watch my kids go through the trauma again, so I won't entertain the idea of "saving" the M.

 

Tough call and only you can make the decision, but it doesn't sound like she's coming from a place where she's really committed to make things work and is just stringing you along...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

Edited September 20, 2011 by debtman

[Craig2425]

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who supported me and tried to help me get past this. Ever since stbxw posted here no one has really responded to anything I've posted so I don't see a reason to keep posting.

 

Again thanks to all who helped.

[debtman]

Craig, not sure what you mean about no one replying, but we'll be sorry to see you go.

 

I'm sure it's a bit strange knowing that your stbx knows about the account and is probably coming in and reading the threads. Removes some of the freedom of posting you had before.

 

Remember, some relationships just work, but most relationships TAKE work...from BOTH parties, all the time. If you're not communicating, if you're not working together, if you don't trust each other and believe in each other, it's time to move on and go get what you want out of life.

 

Keep working on yourself, keep making positive steps forward and try to stay focused on the MOST important thing, your happiness. That's all you can control for now.

 

So, do what YOU need to do to make YOURSELF happy because no one else can.

 

Feel free to come back any time and give us updates.

 

Good luck...

[itllgetbetter]

Craig2425: Thanks for your advice on my thread - I wish you'd reconsider posting as you've given valuable advice to me in particular and, judging by the length of this thread, you've engaged a lot of LS members in good discussion. But,l I understand if you're not comfortable with stbxw posting here as well.

 

Maybe you could PM members from time to time when you want to receive/give advice?

[Craig2425]

I wasn't going to write here anymore,not because I don't like this place but because when my stbxw wrote on my thread no one responded to me anymore.

 

So much crap has gone on and I have fallen for every single lie she has told me.*

She has been in contact with my family who lives back east and looking into moving and staying with them for a bit. She said she wanted to try with us but only of we moved as that's the only way we could really try.

I didn't mind that because I lost my job here and always wanted to move.

As soon as she tells me this we start talking, She doesn't want to try at all while were still here an thinks she should be able to go out all the time. She still doesn't think she has ever done anything wrong and blames me for everything.

I didn't agree to any of that so she freaked out and said she doesn't want to try. She was still in contact with my family telling them that she wants to try with me and sees I've made huge steps and she's proud of me, it's just that she's having trouble getting by the past but when she talks to me it's she hates me and it will never work, leave her alone.

She told them she says this because she needs her space.

I found out by digging thru her computer that she wrote one of her friends saying that she got offered a job in Chicago a month ago and took it two weeks ago. That she's happy because I have family close by and I would move so our daughter wouldn't lose either parent. We would only be a couple hours away.

That she needed to get away from here because she runs into her ex bf and his friends all the time and it makes her realize what she's lost.

 

I called her out on it and told my parents. She still has the nerve to try and say I only have half stories and why would she tell her friend she's moving to try with me? Were not together.

Of course after I find this out I'm crazy and everything is my fault.

I just can't believe she would go as far to lie to my parents and most of all our daughter. She would think shes getting us back together then a couple weeks later no?

 

I know deep down I truly tried every single thing I could to save our family. Even let her lie and walk all over me just because I thought there was hope.

The hardest part is our daughter asking for her family back. She wants us all to live together again.

Last night she had swim and when walking thru the parking lot she got between us and held both our hand saying look, mommy and daddy and --------.

To top everything off she emails me just to tell me everything is my fault and I'm the reason my kid and I don't have our family. She doesn't feel she needs to change(to meet my needs) and even tho she has said I've changed and things were good I'm a horrible person when I'm not with her because I was pressuring her, upset.*

I really never though she would lie to me and make our daughter think she's getting her family back just to move for a job.

I gotta say it was pretty hard to read that stuff. That she is upset that she lost her bf an his friends.*

I think it's pretty ****ty of her to write me and blame me for not having my family when I was here ready to do anything to fix it.

I feel so bad for my daughter. That's why I kept going back and trying so hard. Yes I wanted my wife but after what she's done it started to become just for my daughter. I didn't want her to be sad or a failure.

 

I wonder if she thinks this really is all my fault or what? No normal person could really believe that right?

 

Anyways I like this place a lot but if no one responds then there's not a reason to keep posting. I could just talk to myself.

I guess it's just one more thing she took away from me.

 

I did file for divorce and that process is on it's way now.*

I'm glad I'll be able to look back one day when my daughter asks what happened and I'll know that I tried every single thing I could to make this work and I gave it a whole year of my life. I'd say that's a lot more then most would do.

[debtman]

craig, so sorry for everything you're going through. I suppose it was easier, in some ways, for me since my stbx stayed with OM long enough for me to get past wanting to be with someone who thought it was okay to treat me the way she did. Seems like you've been back and forth on that. One of the best things you can do for your confidence and mental/emotional health is to get "past" wanting her back in your life. Neither one of you deserves to be treated the way you treated each other. Sounds like you've made lots of progress and learned a lot in this whole experience and not sure she's made the same steps.

 

I'm hoping my stbx stays single for a while, since OM left her, so that she can REALLY figure out what SHE needs from life to be happy. I've spent the last year re-learning that for myself and, I'm happier than I've been in many years. If there are 2 people in a relationship who BOTH know how to make themselves happy, and WANT their partner to be happy, they will give each other the freedom to pursue happiness and just enjoy the time they have together without trying to make the other person into who they want them to be, instead of who they are...

 

So hard to go through this with a child who just wants everyone to be happy and to have mom & dad together. I'm lucky because my daughter got into a great program at school about a month after all of this started and it REALLY helped her to deal with what was going on, realize that NONE of it was her fault and there was nothing she could do to change things. Have you two talked about some counseling for your daughter?

 

I wish you the best. I hope, for your daughter's sake, that you and your W can work TOGETHER as far as your daughter is concerned to give her the BEST life that she can get...which includes her having BOTH parents around (not necessarily together) and spending quality time with both of you.

 

Remember, SHE is the most important thing in all of this and SHE is the innocent who never asked for any of this. I know you'll do the right thing, I hope your stbx will as well. Whatever your conflicts are, you should both be able to set those aside when it comes to your daughter.

 

I've bitten my tongue so many times in the past year, but, it's finally paying off because my stbx and I get along well enough that we know that it's pointless to argue about the past anymore and the only things we need to discuss are parenting issues and we both are open to whatever works for our kids.

 

Hope you keep posting here, but I understand if you don't. Shoot a pm with updates sometime if you decide to stop posting. I'll be interested to hear how things work out.

 

Good luck....

[debtman]

Craig2425,

 

I know you said you were "done" on here, just wanted to check and see if there are any updates you would care to share??

 

Hope things are well for you...

 

Good luck...

[Majkl]

Debtman, I registered here only for you, you sir are a breath of fresh air,

you show me how weak and pathetic I am.

If you ever need any kind of emotional support send me a PM we'll exchange email adress and I'll be your pen pal.

 

Respect.

[debtman]

Debtman, I registered here only for you, you sir are a breath of fresh air,

you show me how weak and pathetic I am.

If you ever need any kind of emotional support send me a PM we'll exchange email adress and I'll be your pen pal.

 

Respect.

 

Majkl,

 

I appreciate your post. Don't ever get down on yourself. Nothing about these sorts of situations are easy and there were MANY times in the last year where I was tempted to make poor decisions and be reactive. It was through the support of friends, family and others here on LS that helped get me through it.

 

I got lots of incredible advice, input and insight on this site and am just trying to pay back a little of that and try to help out other people if I can.

Not sure what brought you here or where you're at, but it's a great site and it's amazing how helpful opening up and posting can be...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Majkl]

debtman,

From reading this thread, EVERYONE was very helpful.

But its just that from your personal atitude towards your situation I am trying to draw strenght about mine, when I'm ready I will share it with you guys and plead for help and emotional support to get through my own havoc!!

Till then respect to all of you, I dont feel so alone anymore.

[debtman]

Majkl,

 

Glad to be able to provide any help I can in this time of insanity and confusion. Just remember, you are in a TEMPORARY situation and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter what the circumstances are.

 

Focus on yourself, focus on positivity and remember that for all the bad times you have now, you will have hundreds of incredible times in your future...

 

Good luck...

[willowthewisp]

Craig if you are still checking in I don't think much from what your stbx wrote her, she seems to be placing the blame at your feet. Whilst I understand that you left first, she also agreed to try again, on ecannot try again when seeing someone else, nor can it work when they don't want to. If she doesn't want to...let her go. If she chooses to use what you did, leaving first as an excuse or self justification for her leaving now, that is her choice...doesn't mean others see it that way.

 

Hope you are doing ok?