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Is there hope?

Craig2425

By Craig2425,
in Separation and Divorce

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Craig2425

Craig2425

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I didn't realize it. She told me she broke up with him.

Then she said he didn't do anything wrong and didn't want to just delete him(guess he means more then I do). Now she's adding more of his friends while he's still there.

I don't get what kinda mom would bring their kid around there mom and dad like she did. Our kid slept with us and saw us being affectionate together.

I'm sure that's good for our daughter.

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Craig2425

Craig2425

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K she said that she could never be happy with me because I'm not as social as her. She would never want sex like I do and it would go back to how it was.

She tried like she did because of our kid and wasn't willing to try for me at all and still doesn't want to.

Our kid is fine and we should be able to be together for our kid it's the next best thing.

She not dating or talking to og but didn't delete him because she doesn't have a need to. She's not trying with me so why should she?

 

Is there hope? I don't think so.

I'm really beginning to say I tried my best it's over.

What kinda mom does that to their child?

 

Thanks everyone for the responses.

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marqueemoon4

marqueemoon4

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What kinda mom does that to their child?

 

Thanks everyone for the responses.

 

a selfish one who is obviously confused on what she wants.

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even if you two end up divorced at the end of this, you guys will have to raise your little girl together. so at some point, you two need to figure out HOW to do that. if that means space and the divorce process starting and maybe even completing, then so be it. if things change you guys can always revisit your relationship. it's been known to happen. with some space and exposure to new things people often come to realize what they were missing........

 

i have a song that fairly accurately describes my situation and how i feel. lots of songs make me sad and cry. this one, at least gives me a bit of hope that at least *I* will be ok. my kids and i will be ok. our reality is now redefined. not bad or wrong, just different.

 

the song is "little miss" by sugarland.

 

Little Miss done on love,

Little Miss I give up,

Little Miss I'll get tough, don't you worry 'bout me anymore

 

Little Miss checkered dress,

Little Miss one big mess,

Little Miss I'll take less when I always knew so much more

 

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,

Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,

It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again

 

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay

 

 

Little Miss do your best,

Little Miss never rest,

Little Miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime it runs out

 

Little Miss you'll go far,

Little Miss hide your scars,

Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

 

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,

Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,

It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again,

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay

 

Hold on, hold on, you are loved, are loved

 

***so, up to this point i usually feel quite sad and lonely, and depressed then comes this part.***

 

Little Miss brand new start,

Little Miss do your part,

Little Miss big ole heart beats wide open, she's ready now for love

 

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,

Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,

It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay,

It'll be alright again

 

*** i guess i figure at some point all of this really will ring true.*** it could be a long time from now. or it could be right around the corner. i really don't know. BUT, what i do know is that 2 yrs out i'm a healthier person than i was. i do know it was hard, very hard, but it was worth it. i am in such a better place now than i was. we were the doing the round and round circular logic. i was on the receiving end of all of those awful hurtful comments. and once i decided to just give space and work on myself, FULLY ( not just partially committed to this!) things started to turn around.

 

you can do it too! i know you can!! you owe if yourself, and your daughter!

 

good luck, keep posting!

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Craig2425

Craig2425

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It amazes me how this person begged for me and our marriage and now she never ment any of it.

I went to the swim lesson for my daughter. It was her first time and I didn't want to miss it. She had a blast.

Stbx called me on my way to see if I wanted coffee.

She must not have heard when I told her multiple times I don't want to be friends with her.

She kept trying to just have a conversation with me like we were buddies. I was nice kept everything short and didn't really say too much to her.

Output daughter in her car seat kissed her and said goodbye.

I bet she thinks we will just go together now. It seems that she doesn't even listen to what I tell her.

Last night she said I thiught you were gonna go with us to the circus.

What I actually said was

I would love to go with you two but I camt be just friends with you. Since you bought three tickets let me know if you don't find anyone (one of our daughters friends) and I'll pay for that one.

Here we go again

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dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

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Craig, seriously look up 180 last resort. Just look it up, she is not going to give you a status right now. She isn't going to say friend, lover, or nothing at all.

 

Just look it up unless you are for sure closing the door and then you go LC.

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Craig2425

Craig2425

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Isn't the 180 last resort lc and working on myself. If she contacts me talk keep it short and nice.

Isn't that what I'm doing?

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well, if i compare your situation to mine. no. you're not doing either. in my case, no one had a 4 month relationship after leaving the marriage and then came back to the partner and said " well, i'm here trying for the kid. i gave up a good 4 mo relationship for 11 yrs of nothing good."

 

in my case, we both left each other alone. we attempted on three occassions to spend time together and each time did not go well. like your situations or worse. that's when i stopped and just gave space. there was no conversation unless it directly affected the children. and i did wait. i waited to see if anything would change. if anything would get better. nothing changed. nothing got better. and since you can't stay in a marriage by yourself, that was my answer.

 

there are lots of posts with the 180s in them. i don't know them by heart. but the point is to work on YOU. not you as a couple or family, but YOU. which means you have to, at some point, stop trying to figure out what all the little things mean and signify.

 

you want to go to swim lessons? she opened that as something for you to do. so, make the choice YOU want to make and follow through. no, you don't go for coffee afterwards. you go support your daughter. you kiss her good bye and you go your way. unless it's your turn to take her home with you. then mom kisses her good bye and then she leaves and goes her way.

 

no more family gatherings, outings, etc. till you two have hashed some of this out in front of a third party. otherwise, you will keep going in this round and round and round pattern. she doesn't want to work on you two as a couple, that's fine. and if you don't want to be just her buddy, that's fine too. but, then that means NO MORE getting together as a family. one of you needs to compromise on this. either she seeks out third party help with you ( and this doesn't have to mean you are fixing your marriage. it could mean you're working on learning how to co parent) OR you need to accept being her hubby and your daughter's father, but NOT your wife's husband. the way you guys are going at it, nothing is going to get resolved and you will just keep going in a circle....

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Craig2425

Craig2425

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Reading some recent stuff from her.

She says we have nothing I'm common now.

I don't like her type of music, I'm not social like her, I don't like church like her, i don't make her happy and crazy(guess the new guy brings out the best In Her).

Funny how I was good for 11 years and now it was just easier to stay with me thats why she stayed.

I'm so depressed it's not funny.

Like bad.Can't sleep, keep thinking of her. Guess the heart wants what it can't have.

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dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

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3 words: justify, justify, justify.

 

Push through it and stick to your 180 to improve your mood and your life.

 

Meditation really helps. We are all pulling for ya!:bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:

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dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

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Reading some recent stuff from her.

She says we have nothing I'm common now.

I don't like her type of music, I'm not social like her, I don't like church like her, i don't make her happy and crazy(guess the new guy brings out the best In Her).

Funny how I was good for 11 years and now it was just easier to stay with me thats why she stayed.

I'm so depressed it's not funny.

Like bad.Can't sleep, keep thinking of her. Guess the heart wants what it can't have.

 

 

Marital partners aren't supposed to be clones of one another. My parents have been together 34 years and have nothing in common. Except for overeating! (although they are really weird and have had a rocky marriage but have now started having a healthier one).

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Craig2425

Craig2425

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So I go over to see my daughter and give money for her school and ran Into a

Warpath .

I made the mistake of asking her if she feels anything for me. She said nope! If you were hurt or something I would be there but not in a love way. Then she became very angry and stated that she doesn't think she did anything wrong in our marriage at all hates that she would have to change or want to be Into stuff I'm into when she's not.loves to work and sit on the computer till late at night and wouldn't want to give that up for family time( big thing that I hated).

All while very angry at me. Got the I begged because it was easier for me at the time , would never want anything from our relationship ever again. She cant think back in our 11 years where she was happy with me at all. Yes we had happy moments but it was because of buying houses or pregnant.

I'm pretty sure she said shes never loved me at all.

Guess that's what I get for bringing us up. Just think it's funny that one of the things she said was she likes church and i don't. But aren't Christians supposed to forgive,be nice and not lie about loving your husband?

Very very angry. Even said one clue as to why she know110% why she doesn't want to try is because she could care less if I'm seeing someone or with someone. She has no jealousy and she should have if she wanted me.

Did I meantion that I hate my life?

This sucks so bad!

My wife would rather work then be with me.

All I wanted was to be a family and feel loved.

Pretty hard to hear such anger and horrible things said to you like that.

I don't get how she has no feelings for me at all after 11 years .well I guess if she never loved me it would be pretty easy.

I dunno if I cam do the 180 and think there's hope

For us.

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dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

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You do the 180 for yourself.

 

And Craig as much as she is being a bitch, you knew damn well that the feelings question would only throw on the defensive and shoot off the fireworks.

 

Just. Leave. It. Alone.

 

Trust me, I have a Hell of a time with it too. But that would be a necessary.

 

Odds are she didn't just blow up all at once and just spout out everything in that paragraph because you asked an innocent question and just stood there with patience.

 

You ask, she blows up, you counter and defend, she reinforces her stance and blows up even more.

 

Right?

 

That's how it got this bad in the first place.

 

If she isn't coming back, then let. it. go. and heal.

 

Then slowly start to date again. But don't try to get something from her that she isn't going to give. That is, well, disrespectful. I am not saying that you are the worse partner or that you are wrong in any way, but you really aren't helping yourself when you do that.

 

"Doctor, it hurts when I do this."

 

"Then don't do that."

 

We are all still rooting for you!:)

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seibert253

seibert253

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You do the 180 for yourself.

 

And Craig as much as she is being a bitch, you knew damn well that the feelings question would only throw on the defensive and shoot off the fireworks.

 

Just. Leave. It. Alone.

 

Trust me, I have a Hell of a time with it too. But that would be a necessary.

 

Odds are she didn't just blow up all at once and just spout out everything in that paragraph because you asked an innocent question and just stood there with patience.

 

You ask, she blows up, you counter and defend, she reinforces her stance and blows up even more.

 

Right?

 

That's how it got this bad in the first place.

 

If she isn't coming back, then let. it. go. and heal.

 

Then slowly start to date again. But don't try to get something from her that she isn't going to give. That is, well, disrespectful. I am not saying that you are the worse partner or that you are wrong in any way, but you really aren't helping yourself when you do that.

 

"Doctor, it hurts when I do this."

 

"Then don't do that."

 

We are all still rooting for you!:)

 

^^^^^^^^

This

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Craig2425

Craig2425

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Thanks dot.

I knew I shouldn't have asked but I was givin so much conflicting advise I didn't know what to do.

As my title say I was looking for hope and really shouldn't have been after all this back and forth.

I need to just work on me.

She text me a few hours ago and sent me a pic of our daughter doing something funny and usually I would respond with what she doing and stuff but I just wrote lol and left it at that.

She's not going to talk to me and tell me hurtful things like she did then a few hours later try to be buddy buddy with me.

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dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

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Center yourself Bud, or you are going to make yourself crazy.

 

Honestly she is nuts with the dynamic, but who is nuttier? Crazy or the one following Crazy all around expecting Crazy to give a rational answer?

 

See. You are going to have to work some new muscles here and it will get easier with time. You start responding with reason instead of emotional upset, you start to learn what your buttons are and when she is pressing them.

 

But first and foremost you get into that 180 like you've never wanted a straight line so bad in your life.

 

Oh wait, that sounds like cocaine doesn't it? Never mind the reference just do it k?

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Tiberius

Tiberius

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Most guys dont get sex in their marriage. Who do you think the clients of streetworkers are? Get back with her, if she is fine with no sex, get it elsewhere.

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dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

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Most guys dont get sex in their marriage. Who do you think the clients of streetworkers are? Get back with her, if she is fine with no sex, get it elsewhere.

 

I may be wrong but I think you posted on the wrong thread.

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Craig2425

Craig2425

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Guess I'm dumb because it seems most people cheat on their spouses and I never did or ever wanted to.

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Craig2425

Craig2425

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Anyone have tips or anything with nc?

After going away with her I'm right back where I was in the beginning.

I can't stop thinking abiut her when we talk abiut our kid I want to (and have) talk about us.

I'm back at the begging stage.

This time it's worse. I think because I thiught we were trying and I got my hopes up too soon.

Thanks

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dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

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I feel for you, I have to go NC with my spouse, because it is killing me too.

 

You just tough it out, meditate, work out and get together with friends.

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dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

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Guess I'm dumb because it seems most people cheat on their spouses and I never did or ever wanted to.

 

Join the club.

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