Is there hope?

[MoniqueFleshman]

there is really hope for everything but sometimes we human must accept that there are things that are not meant to be...

[Craig2425]

Is it normal for my kid to always want my wife?

I mean she always says she wants to go home there.asks to talk to her at night when with me but when I call shes in a rush to go.

All she does is ask me why we all cant live together and asks question like that to me but not her mom.

I don't put anything in her head and try to change the subject quick and keep her happy.

Just makes me sad that I have to deal with all the bad stuff while stbxw is out probably with og and our kid wants her and not me.

[dreamingoftigers]

Kids will flop back and forth on parents, it is natural and it also depends on what life stage she is at.

 

My daughter really loves her Dad right now and he just isn't here so that sucks.

 

All that you can guarantee and do is to take care of yourself and perhaps seek some independent counseling to help you and your daughter through this.

[What_Next]

Craig, yes it is. I know in my case our daughter would not call me for a good night when she was with my wife. It used to sometimes anger me and other times hurt me. I'll admit that I often used to lash out at my wife about it.

 

The reality was that our child was living in our original place and she still considered it "home". She just felt more comfortable there.

 

Be there when your child needs you to be in whatever way you can for her.

[debtman]

Very normal Craig. Generally, my son wants his mom and my daughter wants me, but they flip-flop depending on the day. My son handles the drop-off fine, but my daughter cries and fights it whenever I drop her off.

 

From talking with my daughter's school counselor, it tends to take them at least 6-9 months to adjust to all the changes and start to accept the way it is.

 

Yesterday, when I picked up my daughter, she told me that she had been checking for loose eyelashes so she could make wishes. When I asked what she was wishing she said "I know it's not going to happen and that there's nothing that I can do to change it, but I'm wishing that you were living with us again because I miss you." Broke my heart, but, she and I both know (and are coming to accept) that it's just not the way things are and we have to make the best of the situation we have. We ended up having a great night together and I'm looking forward to another one tonight.

 

Good luck and keep posting....

[Craig2425]

Thing that bothers me is ever since that tripand Disney land my daughter has been saying stuff to me like why dobro stay there anymore, I did for a little bit.

Stbxw say that daughter never says stuff like that to her and I must be feeding stuff to her.

 

I would never do that to my daughter. I don't know why she says this stuff to me and of her but it sucks.

Not only do I not have my family and wife but I also have to deal with my kid asking me questions only.

 

I feel bad for our kid cause my head is screwed up and I know after all the time we all spent hers is too.

[willowthewisp]

Yes and that's exactly why your wife needs to make a decision and not act until she has!

[Craig2425]

Well i finally made it thru one day of nc with her.

Called to say goodnight to my daughter when we were done I just hung up. She called back right away and I hung up. I text her I

Said goodnight to her bye.

She wrote back should I bring her snow

Stuff to her school( told her I need it for this weekend). I just said yes. Nite.

Her replie was k.nite.

Not going to lie, it was a hard long day.I thought about her all day long. Heck it's 1:20 and I'm still thinking of her.

I dunno why. She has said some of the worst things pulled me and our kid in and out in and out with trying and not.

She seems not to care,think of me at all. She had no problem not contacting me at all.

Why do I want someone who could care less about me or our family?

I have my daughter this weekend(actually till Tuesday cause I have her 50% now) so that will keep me busy I hope.

I guess it's a start. Wonder if she thinks of me? Or if me just hanging up bothered her?

Oh well. Nothing I can do anymore.

I've wasted so much energy and have tried everything that I could do.

She said she wants this so she can have it.

I can't waste my time or have her say mean stuff and hurt me anymore.

Hope I keep it up. One day at a time right?

[marqueemoon4]

Well i finally made it thru one day of nc with her.

Called to say goodnight to my daughter when we were done I just hung up. She called back right away and I hung up. I text her I

Said goodnight to her bye.

She wrote back should I bring her snow

Stuff to her school( told her I need it for this weekend). I just said yes. Nite.

Her replie was k.nite.

Not going to lie, it was a hard long day.I thought about her all day long. Heck it's 1:20 and I'm still thinking of her.

I dunno why. She has said some of the worst things pulled me and our kid in and out in and out with trying and not.

She seems not to care,think of me at all. She had no problem not contacting me at all.

Why do I want someone who could care less about me or our family?

I have my daughter this weekend(actually till Tuesday cause I have her 50% now) so that will keep me busy I hope.

I guess it's a start. Wonder if she thinks of me? Or if me just hanging up bothered her?

Oh well. Nothing I can do anymore.

I've wasted so much energy and have tried everything that I could do.

She said she wants this so she can have it.

I can't waste my time or have her say mean stuff and hurt me anymore.

Hope I keep it up. One day at a time right?

 

this is all normal man.. stay the course and in time you'll get use to it. you have to stop worrying about what she is thinking/doing. you'll get there.

[dreamingoftigers]

Every time I get the urge to contact my husband, I set the timer on my phone for 22 minutes. Most human urges (sexual, hunger etc.) pass in about 20 minutes.

[Craig2425]

Well I had a complete meltdown today. Pretty ashamed of myself to be honest.

Head hung in shame....

[Craig2425]

It amazes me how the one person in the world we think will never hurt us hurts us the most.

Not once did I think thru our marriage she didn't love me. But I guess she never loved me "like a married couple should".

Or that she's thought about leaving me before.

I camt wait for the day I wake up and don't care abiut her anymore.

After reading a lot of other threads it seems everyone wants to get their spouse back but it never happens. We all just hope/pray/wish/beg that we can fix this but in reality it's already done.

The stbx doesn't care about us. They say the most god awful things and yet we still hope,for what?

I really think she never loved me. There's no way she could have and say the stuff she's said to me.

Too bad we couldn't just flip the switch like them and say ok I agree and just move on.

Her life seems great right now meanwhile I'm dealing with my daughter asking my why we can't go to mommies house she misses her family.

 

I'm so tired from being told such horrible things. What is wrong with me? Why do I keep coming back for more? I certainly don't like to hear them.

[SunshineAllie]

I've been reading through your post. Sorry for your pain. I spent the first couple of months and many days watching for texts, waiting for calls and wishing for change. Now, I focus on my children and when at work I focus on work. I laugh and joke with my kids, spend time with them then when I am at work, every time I would have a thought of him cross into my head I would tell myself to focus on my job and the importance of it. I listen to songs in the morning that make me happy, I also focus on what I need to get done in the mornings before work. Things are better, much better. Yours will get better too. If it is meant to be, at some time in the future it will be there. Enjoy your daughter and the bubbly life she brings you. Give Thanks everyday out loud for the positive good things in your life and for the challenges that help you grow. Focus on yourself, your job, your daughter, your good friends (the friends that really care). Smile, Smile, smile, compliment everybody you see about something.

[marqueemoon4]

Craig you have an idealized belief of what a family should be, and the way things are now is unacceptable to you. I'm the same way, I don't like my reality now, but its the way it is. Unfortunately, we both put ourselves in situations where we gave other people the power to decide the outcome of our lives, and whether we will be full time fathers or weekend warriors. Remember when you were getting ready for your wedding and everyone asked "you ready to take the plunge?" I do. Its because you're putting yourself in an extremely vulnerable position by committing to someone else, and if they feel it isn't right or they can do better they'll end it with you and find someone else. It SUCKS. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't do anything to push her away, I absolutely did. But its been done and as she says "living in the past isn't doing me any good." Sure, its easy for her to say this as she is "happy" and has things set up the way she wants them. Also she made the ultimate decision so acceptance on her side was really not hard.

 

I suggest you stop fighting it, I know it hurts to see your daughter confused and disappointed, but everyone keeps telling me kids are resilient and they will be just fine. Think about it, this person does not care about you or your wellbeing right now, and may never again. Thats YOUR responsibility.. I told my stbxw that I felt there was no way I could be happy under the current circumstances, and that will be true for awhile. She has been gone for almost a YEAR and it stills feels like it was yesterday. All we can do is make the best of our situations, focus on ourselves and our children, and reinforce to ourselves that the person our wives used to be is long gone. Thats fine... Craig I guarantee you there is someone out there better for you. And you'll go through the healing process and not jump into a rebound and you'll be better for it in the end. Be strong, this is probably the hardest thing you'll ever go through. In the end you'll come out stronger and a better person for it, guaranteed. Have a great weekend.

[Craig2425]

I'm literally right back where I was when I first wanted her back if not worse.

The whole trying,not,trying,not has screwed me up so bad. I'm back to the begging and pleading again and for what?

I know it's not going to change anything and only make me feel worse. She must love having power over me like this. Just loves throwing carrots out there too to keep giving me hope.

I made it thru one day of nc and screwed up yesterday and this morning.

I refuse to let her make me feel like crap. I'm done trying for her. I have to stop.

[Scott72]

I'm literally right back where I was when I first wanted her back if not worse.

The whole trying,not,trying,not has screwed me up so bad. I'm back to the begging and pleading again and for what?

I know it's not going to change anything and only make me feel worse. She must love having power over me like this. Just loves throwing carrots out there too to keep giving me hope.

I made it thru one day of nc and screwed up yesterday and this morning.

I refuse to let her make me feel like crap. I'm done trying for her. I have to stop.

 

Until you can separate yourself from her and her games, you'll never get over this. It's like you have a deep wound somewhere on your body, and as soon as it starts healing you rip it wide open again. You've got to have that healing time, and that means time away from her and her temptations.

[marqueemoon4]

nvmmmmmmmmmm

Edited April 17, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[sedona2004]

Do I have any hope?

 

Hello Craig,

How are you? Hope, you recaptured your wife's mind, heart and soul. Right?

If no, maybe you give a try to this one? If you still want to enter the same river twice:confused:

"If you'll take my hand, I'll show you exactly what to do and what to say to get your ex lover back in your arms- Especially if you are the only one trying..." http://sedona2004.makingup.hop.clickbank.net

 

Sorry to disturb you, but I'd like to help you:)

[Craig2425]

Why is it so easy for them to say they don't want us and are so sure without ever really trying? This person supposedly loved us and now were just trash that they can throw away and not think twice about it.

It's crazy to think that just a few months ago she was begging for me. Saying and doing all the same things that I'm doing. But now she never meant any of them. It was just easier at the time to have her old life back.

How can a few months erase 11 years of history away? How can she be so sure that we couldn't work and not even give it a shot?

If we learnt to talk and meet each others needs we would be fine. That was our big problem.

She has a point in she wanted to get help last year but I said no(didn't think we needed counciling and could fix it ourselves). Things got worse and I ruined an easy fix. I blame me for most of this. She wanted to get help, she tried at first but I was too stubborn. I guess all it takes is a few months and a new bf to totally erase me from her mind and close me out.

No I have to live with the fact that I ruined my kids family. Now I hope that one day my kid will forgive me.

[willowthewisp]

You didn't ruin anything, she did when she walked without trying first.

 

As for how they can do it, I have no idea, I guess some people just don't have the capacity for empathy and just think of themself and not how they would feel if if it was done to them.

[Craig2425]

So tonight when stbxw called to say goodnight our daughter said mommy daddy stuff to her. She said she never says this stuff and I just make it up.

Daughter said

Mommy. I want mommy and daddy again(I wanted to cry).

Then she said she wants daddy to stay with us again.

I asked what she said to her and she just said mommy and daddy are on a time out.

Said goodbye and hung up.

I text her(didn't want to talk in front of our daughter)

You really believe we couldn't be a happy family? How are you so sure?

She wrote back-positive.

I said -I'm positive we could and I've giving yiu reasons why I think that. Whats your reasons for being so positive when we haven't tried? Maybe you see something I don't or I'm missing.

She said-I don't have to. All that matters is I am.

Thanks and goodnight.

I know ,I know. I shouldn't have but after my daughter just asked those questions I felt I need to know. After 11 years and a kid I guess she feel I don't deserve an answer because all that matters is she is positive.

What kinda crap is that? That was the only contact I had today.

Really wish I knew how she is so positive on this.

Any thoughts?

I have two.

1- she's seeing that guy again and doesn't want to admit it,maybe feels bad abiut it but not bad enough

2.could just be me still hoping.she's confused and doesn't have a reason and doesn't want to say for sure incase. She does say stuff like she wished i left her alone to want it herself etc. That and doesn't it say in the divorce busting site that stbx can want to try and get scared off like mine did?

I'm probably just looking too far into it.

11 years I feel like I should at least get an answer to why she's so sure when we never tried.

Edited April 18, 2011 by Craig2425

[dreamingoftigers]

She's really done for now.

 

Do 180, 180 means not doing this.

[Steadfast]

This really is a classic example of the harder you try, the worse it gets. I know you feel guilt for leaving Craig, but if what you're writing is true you have truly expressed your deep regret and love. And then some.

 

I hate to say it and speak only in a general sense, but when a woman turns a blind eye towards the suffering of her loved ones, there's another man in the picture. He's probably painted as the good guy right now...her knight in armor. Not pleading, not wrapped in issues. A loving wife and mother would only allow so much of this before bringing the family back together. Before things get out of hand. She isn't, because she doesn't want to.

 

And you know what Craig? She sure as hell isn't going to let you or anyone else talk her into it. Take the above advice and leave her alone. She knows you love her...she won't think otherwise if you step away. She'll know she is getting what she asked for, and that's the first step in clearing the air. Let her experience the weight of her own decisions...it's the only way she'll know. For sure.

 

Leave her be Craig, or you'll ruin any remaining chance of putting your family back together.

[marqueemoon4]

This really is a classic example of the harder you try, the worse it gets. I know you feel guilt for leaving Craig, but if what you're writing is true you have truly expressed your deep regret and love. And then some.

 

I hate to say it and speak only in a general sense, but when a woman turns a blind eye towards the suffering of her loved ones, there's another man in the picture. He's probably painted as the good guy right now...her knight in armor. Not pleading, not wrapped in issues. A loving wife and mother would only allow so much of this before bringing the family back together. Before things get out of hand. She isn't, because she doesn't want to.

 

And you know what Craig? She sure as hell isn't going to let you or anyone else talk her into it. Take the above advice and leave her alone. She knows you love her...she won't think otherwise if you step away. She'll know she is getting what she asked for, and that's the first step in clearing the air. Let her experience the weight of her own decisions...it's the only way she'll know. For sure.

 

Leave her be Craig, or you'll ruin any remaining chance of putting your family back together.

 

 

THIS IS SO TRUE!!!!!! Every last word of it. WGW, Craig, myself, and anyone else on here who is going through this needs to get this tattooed on our forearms, Memento style.

[worldgonewrong]

Word.

Steadfast has put it in a nutshell.