dreamingoftigers Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Co-dependency Sucks! I am co-dependent, my parents are in different ways to each other. I have emotionally, physically and financially bankrupted myself due to co-dependency. I have done this in an effort to make my husband (and before him my boyfriends) happy, or often so that they would feel a sense of self-worth and pride because someone like me cared about them so much. I truly also did it to feed my own ego/self-worth because being in these relationships gave me a form of identity. The crisis comes when the relationships begin to break down. If you earn $50, you are less likely to go and spend it away foolishly as opposed to if someone gives you $50 as a gift. Odds are you would spend the little indulgence. If someone gives you seemingly unconditional live and affection and follows you wherever you may go no matter how you treat them, then they will eventually have no respect for you and not have to give you anything to receive that kind of love and affection. They will suck your soul out, and you will let them, afraid to cut the cord for fear that they will now leave thereby walking away with everything you have invested into them. Since you have next to no sense of self, you feel that the way they treat you is because you are not worthy, why else would someone you love almost unconditionally leave you? Unless you weren't good enough to begin with and felt so lucky that someone so wonderful appreciated you in the first place. Round and round it goes, one person becoming dependent on the other for validation and identity, the other dependent on the resources of the co-dependent. I know I have to heal my sense of self and realize that I am good enough to demand better treatment. I don't have to drain myself to be validated. I must validate myself and then perhaps give done extra to others. I am 28 years old now, how long will it bloody take not to be my mother? I know what I must do: Give myself some joy immediately Start looking at depression treatment Not ever ever allow my husband to have any control over my self-worth due to my neediness or his emotionally abusive bull****. Attend my recovery group Find something else about my identity to develop besides being a betrayed spouse and a crappy mom. And yes I feel crappy for dragging back my daughter's unhealed father because of my own fear and dependency. So we begin where we should have begun a year or so ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Wilie Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 <<I am 28 years old now, how long will it bloody take not to be my mother?>> You new life begins now.. Enjoy!! Cheers, Will Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 Thank you thank you thank you. I am going to start right away by giving myself some joy! Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I'm so impressed by you, dot. Keep going and good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 I am not impressed by me yet. I am still very reactive and it isn't working for me. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I am not impressed by me yet. I am still very reactive and it isn't working for me. But you're working very hard to address all the issues. It's good to be critical but remember to give yourself some credit where credit is due. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 The biggest thing that I am trying to do is stay focused and battle the depression. It should not matter how someone in active addiction and choosing to stay in active addiction perceives me. It should only matter who I am and what I am doing. Just have to keep reflecting back to myself to develop my own strength and keep with my own values. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Trying to get stuff done tonight has sucked, it is already pretty much bedtime and I haven't done dinner or folded the clothes. Blah.... Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 You are incredibly introspective. I love your posts. I will be following your journey because I believe you're going to make it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Trying to get stuff done tonight has sucked, it is already pretty much bedtime and I haven't done dinner or folded the clothes. Blah.... Well i did recover the time from this and managed to get a few loads of laundry washed, dried, folded and put away. I had to prepare dog food and get our little one ready to come back home etc etc. Not as much as I had hoped, but more then would have usually been done late at night. I am just trying to get the house completely in order and not have to worry about where everything is going to go, inventory etc. You are incredibly introspective. I love your posts. I will be following your journey because I believe you're going to make it. thank you thank you! I have my S-Anon meeting tomorrow night and we'll see what tools I learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Çäåñü íàõîäÿòñÿ èíòåðåñíûå ññûëêè: êîðíè ôàìèëèè ôðóíäèí ñêà÷àòü ïîðíî âèäåî ðûæåíüêèõ ñêà÷àòü øïîðãàëêè ïî õèìèè èñòîðèÿ ôàìèëèè ÷å÷åíêîâ ïîðíî íà ïðè¸ìå ñêà÷àòü øïîðû ìåòîäû ïëàíèðîâàíèÿ ïðèáûëè îò åàëèçàöèè ñêà÷àòü óäàëèòü ïðîãðàììû ïðîèñõîæäåíèå ôàìèëèè ðÿäîâàÿ âîçíèêíîâåíèå ôàìèëèè ñèìà÷åâ êðóïíîå ïîðíî ôîòî èíäèàíîê ñêà÷àòü mp3 ñåðãåÿ ëàçàðåâà äàæå åñëè òû óé ïîðíî ôîòî àðèà êðóòîå ïîðíî ïîæèëûõ ñêà÷àòü øàòóíîâ þðèé è óïàâ íà êîëåíè òåîíà äîëüíèêîâàâñå ïóòè àíãåëîâñêà÷àòü èñòîðèÿ ôàìèëèè àôàíàñåíêî óçíàòü çíà÷åíèå ôàìèëèè òèìóðãàëååâ òàíåö-âñïûøêà ñêà÷àòü ñîâðåìåííûå õóäîæíèêè ñêà÷àòü ñêà÷àòü mp3 àëüáîìîì ðîäîñëîâíàÿ ôàìèëèè ãëàçìèí âàêóóì âóëüâû ïîðíî îíëàéí ýäâàðäà äå áîíî ñêà÷àòü êíèãà ñêà÷àòü java èãðó äëÿ ìîáèëüíîãî äóðàê 2 êîðíè ôàìèëèè ñòîðóáëÿíêîâ ñòåðåî ïîðíî ôèëüìû îíëàéí êîðíè ôàìèëèè åâñèêîâ ñêà÷àòü p4s533 mx âñå î ôàìèëèè àáàäæèäè ïîðíî êàíàë ñïåðìà ïîäáîðêà ïîðíî þëèè íà÷àëîâîé ñêà÷àòü key 5.0.14 âîçíèêíîâåíèå ôàìèëèè êóáåíñêàÿ êàê ïîÿâèëàñü ôàìèëèÿ ñåëåä÷èêîâ ïîðíî ôèëüì ñíåãóðî÷êà âîçíèêíîâåíèå ôàìèëèè íàäîëüíèê ñêà÷àòü îñòàòüñÿ â æèâûõ 3 ñåçîí 5 ñåðèÿ ðîäîñëîâíàÿ ôàìèëèè øèðèíÿí îòêóäà ïðîèçîøëà ôàìèëèÿ ñèãèíîâ ïîðíî ôîòî ãàëåðåè áëîíäèíîê ñåêðåòàðø âîçíèêíîâåíèå ôàìèëèè ðîäèìèí ãåé ïîðíî âîåííûå ñêà÷àòü save äëÿ ïîëíûé ïðèâîä ñêà÷àòü mp3 ïïê ìíå íóæåí ðèòì æåíùèíû â òðóñèêàõ ïîðíî ôîòî ñêà÷àòü ôîðìó âîäèòåëüñêîãî óäîñòîâåðåíèÿ òîñêà äæ ïó÷÷èíè ñêà÷àòü êàê ïîÿâèëàñü ôàìèëèÿ âûïèõ ôðàíöóçñêî-ðóññêèé ñëîâàðü ñêà÷àòü áåçïëàòíî êàê ïîÿâèëàñü ôàìèëèÿ êîñüÿíîâà ñêà÷àòü il-2 shturmovik demo ñêà÷àòü alcohol 1.9.5.4521 crack ñêà÷àòü òðåéëåð èç íåñóùåñòâóþùåãî ôèëüìà â ãðàéíäõàóñå êîðíè ôàìèëèè êîíäþêîâà ñêà÷àòü enrique iglesias escape mp3 ôîòîðåäàêòîð äëÿ íîêèÿ 6233 ñêà÷àòü òàíöû ìèíóñ-ñêà÷àòü mp3 ïîëîâèíêà êàê ïîÿâèëàñü ôàìèëèÿ íîâîæåíêîâ ñêà÷àòü pst phone programmer english õõõ ïîðíî ôîòî áåç ðåãèñòðàöèè òîï 100 õèò åâðîïà ïëþñ ñêà÷àòü ñêà÷àòü sis èãðû ïî áëþòóç äëÿ n70 êàê ïîÿâèëàñü ôàìèëèÿ ñóìåíêîâ óçíàòü çíà÷åíèå ôàìèëèè çåí÷åâ ñóåò â ðîò òðóñèêè ïîðíî ïîðíî îíëàéí íåâåñòó ñ äðóãîì âñå î ôàìèëèè äîâàòîð ÷òî îçíà÷àåò ôàìèëèÿ öåâèí ïðîèñõîæäåíèå ôàìèëèè ìàëîâèê êîðíè ôàìèëèè àëäàòîâà ÷òî ìîæíî ñêà÷àòü èç ïàðíóõò ñêà÷àòü øðèôò îðãàçì íîñòðàäàìóñà ÷åðíî áåëîå ïîðíî ôîòî òåñò 2-íäôë 2005 ñêà÷àòü ìåëèññà äæîàí õàðò ïîðíî òèõâèí øâåéíàÿ ôàáðèêà àîçò òðóä ñêà÷àòü òîëêîâàíèå ôàìèëèè îêàåìîâ ñêà÷àòü ÷èëè õîï èñòîðèÿ ôàìèëèè ìàãàñüêèíà ñìîòðåòü ïîðíî ôèëüì ñëóæàíêè òðàíñâåñòèòû êîí÷àþò ïîðíî èñòîðèÿ ôàìèëèè ñíóëîâà ñêà÷àòü tokio hotel ich bin nicht ich ñêà÷àòü äåðåâî äæîøóà ïîðíî â êîñòþìå ñëóæàíêè ïîðíî â ðîò îíëàéí êàê ïîÿâèëàñü ôàìèëèÿ òîðáè÷ êàê ïîÿâèëàñü ôàìèëèÿ ñòåáà âñå î ôàìèëèè ðèçàåâ ñàìîå ïðåêðàñíîå ïîðíî ñîâåòñêèå êàðòèíêè 50-60-õ ãîäîâ ñêà÷àòü õîðîøèå øóòêè ñêà÷àòü mp3 àïîæ êàê ïîÿâèëàñü ôàìèëèÿ áóçûíêèíà êàê ïîÿâèëàñü ôàìèëèÿ òàåêîâ òò-34-èíîé_ñêà÷àòü ñêà÷àòü chat for local net 2.0 àíäåðñîí ñåêðåòíûå ìàòåðèàëû ïîðíî ïîðíî îíëàéí ñìîòðåòü ñêà÷àòü ïîðíî áåðêîâà àíàë óçíàòü çíà÷åíèå ôàìèëèè êóëóåâà Um, thank you for your insight.... Link to post Share on other sites
Solgurl Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Co-dependency Sucks! I am co-dependent, my parents are in different ways to each other. I have emotionally, physically and financially bankrupted myself due to co-dependency. I have done this in an effort to make my husband (and before him my boyfriends) happy, or often so that they would feel a sense of self-worth and pride because someone like me cared about them so much. I truly also did it to feed my own ego/self-worth because being in these relationships gave me a form of identity. The crisis comes when the relationships begin to break down. If you earn $50, you are less likely to go and spend it away foolishly as opposed to if someone gives you $50 as a gift. Odds are you would spend the little indulgence. If someone gives you seemingly unconditional live and affection and follows you wherever you may go no matter how you treat them, then they will eventually have no respect for you and not have to give you anything to receive that kind of love and affection. They will suck your soul out, and you will let them, afraid to cut the cord for fear that they will now leave thereby walking away with everything you have invested into them. Since you have next to no sense of self, you feel that the way they treat you is because you are not worthy, why else would someone you love almost unconditionally leave you? Unless you weren't good enough to begin with and felt so lucky that someone so wonderful appreciated you in the first place. Round and round it goes, one person becoming dependent on the other for validation and identity, the other dependent on the resources of the co-dependent. I know I have to heal my sense of self and realize that I am good enough to demand better treatment. I don't have to drain myself to be validated. I must validate myself and then perhaps give done extra to others. I am 28 years old now, how long will it bloody take not to be my mother? I know what I must do: Give myself some joy immediately Start looking at depression treatment Not ever ever allow my husband to have any control over my self-worth due to my neediness or his emotionally abusive bull****. Attend my recovery group Find something else about my identity to develop besides being a betrayed spouse and a crappy mom. And yes I feel crappy for dragging back my daughter's unhealed father because of my own fear and dependency. So we begin where we should have begun a year or so ago. Hello Dreaming, I signed up after reading your thread. In reading your words, I felt a since of connection to them. I too feel the same way. I could not have said it any better. I too am on a path to recovery or better yet a path to discovery. I want to rediscover who I am. Not the years, I have spend living for everyone's elses affection towards me. That said, I wish you nothing but strength on you road. I know no matter how we try, there will always be as I call them barrels coming done to block our recovery.....just know at that time, what you are doing is right. Otherwise the barrels would not be there to block you from getting well. Thank you for your well written words. I am so sorry for the pain you are and have been suffering. Just keep dancing.....which I always tell mysef...emerge dancing. Many hugz K Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 Hello Dreaming, I signed up after reading your thread. In reading your words, I felt a since of connection to them. I too feel the same way. I could not have said it any better. Thank you, what really sucks is that I knew I was 10000 steps behind during my childhood and have been working at steadily improving things for years in my life. I really hate how ling things take to realize and integrate. I too am on a path to recovery or better yet a path to discovery. I want to rediscover who I am. Not the years, I have spend living for everyone's elses affection towards me. It is so weird not having that same internal guide as so many seem to have. I used to think I was just easygoing, but I think I was just lost. I have some real people-pleasing tendencies. Then they get mixed up with done of my other demanding tendencies, neither one of which serves me very well. The co-dependent's guide to the 12 steps has been quite helpful so far. That said, I wish you nothing but strength on you road. I know no matter how we try, there will always be as I call them barrels coming done to block our recovery.....just know at that time, what you are doing is right. Otherwise the barrels would not be there to block you from getting well. I have read one book on optimism and another on changing my body. Both have mentioned that optimists don't look at obstacles as a reason to quit or think that you have failed, but rather to expect obstacles and look at them as opportunities for growth. The flipside to that is ther it might have kept me in a an unhealthy marriage circumstance for much longer then I should have been. Thank you for your well written words. I am so sorry for the pain you are and have been suffering. Thanks, and just like any other co-dependent, it's nice to know that you are not alone! What are you doing for your recovery that us working? I have been reading and attending a group. I have a sponsor but I really wondered what a co-dependency sponsor would be like. I envisioned myself calling her up and saying: "I am having a tough day" and her saying back "deal with it yourself." LOL! Just keep dancing.....which I always tell mysef...emerge dancing. Many hugz K Well my dancing skills are not much to talk about, but I don't give up. We just need to focus that not giving up on others energy right back at ourselves. Never ever give up in yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
Solgurl Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 I totally understand what your saying. I think after years of feeling the way I do, I kinda just got use to living this way. Sadly enough to say, it is like my norm....if that makes any sense. Although, I want to be a stronger person within and have a, "I dont give sh&t attitude," it's tough. There are days when I feel strong and feel like I can be my own...but then I just go back to being the weak insignificant person I am....hmm.... I have not started any groups yet but I have been reading books and the 12 step program....the book "Codependent No More" is really good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 I totally understand what your saying. I think after years of feeling the way I do, I kinda just got use to living this way. Sadly enough to say, it is like my norm....if that makes any sense. Although, I want to be a stronger person within and have a, "I dont give sh&t attitude," it's tough. There are days when I feel strong and feel like I can be my own...but then I just go back to being the weak insignificant person I am....hmm.... I totally understand what you are saying here, like each time you hit a new low you think "I can handle this, i'LL just wait it out, but it kinda consumes more of you. I also want to be able to walk away and not care about people or their feelings on the matter, but often I find when I need to leave a situation I end up feeling bad for the other person and assume that they don't get it, then I try to talk it out with them, often repeatedly. I hate having to hurt people's feelings even when they are destroying parts of me. I have not started any groups yet but I have been reading books and the 12 step program....the book "Codependent No More" is really good. 12 steps For Co-dependents is written by the same author. I realized today that I did nothing to warrant the kind of treatment that I have been subjected to and that as such it is my responsibility to myself to make sure that I am not treated that way again, it is (for instance) my husband's responsibility to make sure that he does not treat others this way, and if he decides to that the choices he makes do have consequences. It isn't my fault in any way if he decides not to honour his own responsibilities. Link to post Share on other sites
Solgurl Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 12 steps For Co-dependents is written by the same author. I realized today that I did nothing to warrant the kind of treatment that I have been subjected to and that as such it is my responsibility to myself to make sure that I am not treated that way again, it is (for instance) my husband's responsibility to make sure that he does not treat others this way, and if he decides to that the choices he makes do have consequences. It isn't my fault in any way if he decides not to honour his own responsibilities. This is very true. No one can make anyone honour their responsibilities.....he/she must do it themselves. Reading a great book and highlyh recommend it to you. It's titles "In the Meantime," by Iyanla Vanzant - Finding yourself and the Love you Want. It's helping me so much. Not so much of a self help book but more of a self discovery. Learning how to love you......wonderful book. It is so crazy, when I read what you write, cuz it is totally what I have been feeling, have felt, and are experiencing. For so many years, I have always seeked the love from outside. I always thought if I could find someone to love me and my flaws that everything will be alright. But never did I tell them, how heavy they were...hmm. But in self discovery, love only comes from me......I know hard, right? So my journey continues....in discovery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 I resolve a thousand times to change things and keep falling back into my old cycles, this really sucks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 1, 2011 Author Share Posted April 1, 2011 I've been getting better about dealing with the discomfort that comes with being alone in my home, it isn't half as bad as I thought it would be. It is nice to have my own little space and have it not be cluttered up with someone else leaving the garbage around all of the time. Finally all of the laundry is caught up.... whew. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 22, 2011 Author Share Posted April 22, 2011 I am doing a lot better with the lonliness, it really isn't too bad. I feel comfortable and free. I have started designed my life in little bits. I bought a little magazine on hairstyles and looked into taking a paint class at Michael's. I cleaned up the basement and organized a bunch of stuff nicely, lots of stuff went to the dump. I bought a book called "The New Codependency" and I am going to start reading it tomorrow. I am also laying the groundwork and starting sugar withdrawal. I've actually done a lot in a short amount of time while working. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassygirl2 Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 Thank you Solgurl for reminding me of the book, "In the Meantime". I have that book and didn't finish reading it. I bought it after my last breakup because I knew then (over a year ago) that I needed to love myself in order to move on. I too, have this co-dependency issue thing with men. Thanks for starting the thread DOT. Sounds like you are making progress and that must feel really good! I think it's important that we can feel OK with ourselves and being alone. We don't have to have someone there to feel secure (although I often think this way). I kept telling myself it was companionship that I miss or crave but I think that was a lie. I just didn't feel comfortable or safe in my own skin and for this reason, I haven't been able to maintain a healthy relationship with anyone. Time to work on getting better! Link to post Share on other sites
Ross MwcFan Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 I am doing a lot better with the lonliness, it really isn't too bad. I feel comfortable and free. I have started designed my life in little bits. I bought a little magazine on hairstyles and looked into taking a paint class at Michael's. I cleaned up the basement and organized a bunch of stuff nicely, lots of stuff went to the dump. I bought a book called "The New Codependency" and I am going to start reading it tomorrow. I am also laying the groundwork and starting sugar withdrawal. I've actually done a lot in a short amount of time while working. Keep it up. I really hope things will get better for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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