looking for clarity~

[aoxomoxoa]

hi, i just don't know where to turn, up down left or right. i guess you get that a lot here.

 

my boyfriend and i have been together for two and half years, we've been friends for a long time, and been through a lot together. he's taken my daughter in as his own, and we have a child of our own together. he doesn't hit me, he goes to work for us everyday. he's passive aggressive verbally. doesn't care about becoming a better person.

 

won't talk to me. just won't talk to me. i mean, everything's okay when we're having fun, hiking, on vacation, or just having sex or having a nice family dinner. but the moment there is rough sailing, he logs offline.

 

emotionally unavailable. he was married before, bad divorce. he's ten years older than me. i'm 26. he won't marry. won't marry. tells people i'm his wife (to which i object), but won't marry. i won't force him, don't want to. but i'm not sure it's something i can compromise on.

 

we were best friends. we moved across the country together, with our kids. he won't work anything out with me. becomes defensive, aggressive, irrational, provoking me.

 

so many nights i've sat there waiting for him to say something, and he won't. last night, i was crying, because my father is in the hospital. he said nothing. nothing. emotionally unavailable. i wanted so badly to help him, but i can't.

 

and he just wants me to be grateful, 'ohmigod you go to work everyday, effing hallelujah!!' and he does nothing around the house when he gets home. i cook the meals, do his laundry, gave up my career, sold my horses to raise a family.

 

clearly i am unhappy, and it shouldn't matter what he thinks about it. if i am unhappy, if i feel it's unworkable, i should go. i should go. i don't know why i am posting here. i don't know why i stay. the kids?

 

since he doesn't beat me, cheat on me, should is stay because of the kids? or should i stop the security bit for the first time in my life, and jump in? should i do what's best for everyone? what is best for everyone? i rather be alone, then have my kids witness an unhealthy intimate unhappy relationship.

 

-kate

[xxoo]

When you were only "friends", and not a couple, was he emotionally available? Did he talk? I guess I wonder how you could have been friends--especially "best friends"--if he didn't.

 

Did he change? Did you?

 

Is there a mode of communication that might work better? I know couples who struggle to communicate face-to-face, but have success with emails (even if they are in the same house).

 

I do think we can be happy in relationships with people who do not completely support all of our emotional needs. I spent the first 10 years of my marriage looking from "more" from my H in this dept. He hasn't changed, but I am more satisfied now. The change was within me. BUT--my partner did give all along (just not always up to my own expectations). And, sometimes my criticism actively reduced his willingness/ability to give. Putting that out there, although I'm not sure it applies to your situation.

[TigerCub]

Hey Kate,

 

I'm sorry you seem so frustrated, but I have a few questions for you.

 

hi, i just don't know where to turn, up down left or right. i guess you get that a lot here.

 

my boyfriend and i have been together for two and half years, we've been friends for a long time, and been through a lot together. he's taken my daughter in as his own, and we have a child of our own together. he doesn't hit me, he goes to work for us everyday. he's passive aggressive verbally. doesn't care about becoming a better person.

 

won't talk to me. just won't talk to me. i mean, everything's okay when we're having fun, hiking, on vacation, or just having sex or having a nice family dinner. but the moment there is rough sailing, he logs offline.

 

emotionally unavailable. he was married before, bad divorce. he's ten years older than me. i'm 26. he won't marry. won't marry. tells people i'm his wife (to which i object), but won't marry. i won't force him, don't want to. but i'm not sure it's something i can compromise on.

 

When you say the marriage issue is something you wont compromise on - does that mean that you do want to get married to him?

 

You say you guys have been friends before becoming a couple - so I"m assuming that you knew of his stand on marriage (or rather, not getting married)

so why did you have a kid with him - if the M issue is gonna be something YOU wont compromise on - shouldn't you have thought of that before having a kid with him??

 

 

so many nights i've sat there waiting for him to say something, and he won't. last night, i was crying, because my father is in the hospital. he said nothing. nothing. emotionally unavailable. i wanted so badly to help him, but i can't.

What do you mean help him?

He's emotionally closed off - yes, that's a bad thing, but it seems to be more of a problem for you not him.

 

Some guys don't express their feelings as readily as others.

 

I agree that it would be frustrating trying to get through to them and seeing a reaction from them - but sometimes that's just the way they are.

 

Was he always like this?

 

btw - sorry about your father being in the hospital.

 

and he just wants me to be grateful, 'ohmigod you go to work everyday, effing hallelujah!!' and he does nothing around the house when he gets home. i cook the meals, do his laundry, gave up my career, sold my horses to raise a family.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh - but stuff like that rant above is annoying...

Yes, you should be grateful that he works everyday to support you, the kids you have together, and the kid that's just yours.

 

If you're the one that's not working - you should be cooking the meals and cleaning up around the house - yes, he should help, but you're the one that's at home - you should be doing your part.

 

You say that you gave up your career and sold your horses to raise a family - ok, who's family? YOUR family.

Did anyone put a gun to your head and MAKE you do these things? I'm guessing not, you make your choices in life.

 

Its one thing to be annoyed at how he's emotionally closed off - that I can understand, but to act like you're completely powerless and not even take responsibility for ALL these choices that paved the path to the life you currently have, isn't fair at all to him.

Own your part.

 

clearly i am unhappy, and it shouldn't matter what he thinks about it. if i am unhappy, if i feel it's unworkable, i should go. i should go. i don't know why i am posting here. i don't know why i stay. the kids?

Honestly I am sorry that you are unhappy.

But from what you wrote - he doesn't sound like a bad guy - except for not being so forthcoming with his emotions - he doesn't sound like a bad guy at all - as for the emotions problem - maybe therapy would be an option for you guys.

 

 

since he doesn't beat me, cheat on me, should is stay because of the kids? or should i stop the security bit for the first time in my life, and jump in? should i do what's best for everyone? what is best for everyone? i rather be alone, then have my kids witness an unhealthy intimate unhappy relationship.

-kate

I am a believer that people shouldn't stay for the kids if they are in an unhappy loveless relationship - if that is what you truly have, and you don't think therapy would help - then go for it, leave.

 

But honestly from what you're saying above - you actually say that for the most part things are good, you guys have activities, family time, sex...doesn't sound so bad.

 

But you're the one in this R, not me - I only know what you write.

 

Good luck to you

Edited February 28, 2011 by TigerCub

[prettylady01]

hi, i just don't know where to turn, up down left or right. i guess you get that a lot here.

 

my boyfriend and i have been together for two and half years, we've been friends for a long time, and been through a lot together. he's taken my daughter in as his own, and we have a child of our own together. he doesn't hit me, he goes to work for us everyday. he's passive aggressive verbally. doesn't care about becoming a better person.

 

won't talk to me. just won't talk to me. i mean, everything's okay when we're having fun, hiking, on vacation, or just having sex or having a nice family dinner. but the moment there is rough sailing, he logs offline.

 

emotionally unavailable. he was married before, bad divorce. he's ten years older than me. i'm 26. he won't marry. won't marry. tells people i'm his wife (to which i object), but won't marry. i won't force him, don't want to. but i'm not sure it's something i can compromise on.

 

we were best friends. we moved across the country together, with our kids. he won't work anything out with me. becomes defensive, aggressive, irrational, provoking me.

 

so many nights i've sat there waiting for him to say something, and he won't. last night, i was crying, because my father is in the hospital. he said nothing. nothing. emotionally unavailable. i wanted so badly to help him, but i can't.

 

and he just wants me to be grateful, 'ohmigod you go to work everyday, effing hallelujah!!' and he does nothing around the house when he gets home. i cook the meals, do his laundry, gave up my career, sold my horses to raise a family.

 

clearly i am unhappy, and it shouldn't matter what he thinks about it. if i am unhappy, if i feel it's unworkable, i should go. i should go. i don't know why i am posting here. i don't know why i stay. the kids?

 

since he doesn't beat me, cheat on me, should is stay because of the kids? or should i stop the security bit for the first time in my life, and jump in? should i do what's best for everyone? what is best for everyone? i rather be alone, then have my kids witness an unhealthy intimate unhappy relationship.

 

-kate

 

 

It seems as though you both are just at a wall. It isnt hard to get over the wall but it does take both parties to want to. I suggest two books they will change your life! In a good way of course hehe Bothy by David Deida, one called "Dear Lover" for women and the other called "The way of the superior man" for men but you read it too, you will understand men SO much better.

 

On the marriage thing. We have grown up to believe the hypnosis that we are supposed to be married for security. It is a myth. After getting married myself I realize that the piece of paper means nothing! The ceremony was fun and it is fine if you want a ceremony but if you need to be married to create a false sense of security then you are not mature enough to be in a real relationship. Relationships are about commitment, with out a piece of paper. My hubby and I are looking into getting a divorce because honestly it is none of the governments business about what I do with my intimate relationship.

 

Traditional therapy and counseling most of the time does not work. Honestly I would look into hypnotherapy and NLP for both of you. Him to become the man again and to treat you like the amazing woman you know you are and for you as well to release the emotions about the situation and for you to learn from it, if you can take a positive learning from the situation imagine how amazing that will feel!

[aoxomoxoa]

all of this (i mean all) has been very helpful. thank you.

 

about being grateful for him- i am. and i express it regularly. he however, never shows gratitude for what i do, and that is why i am resentful.

 

and if you think it is possible to homeschool children and handle all of the household chores by oneself, clearly you've never done it before. i do not think that is fair that i work all day too, but when his 8 hours are up, he just chills out, while i keep going, going going- including all night. he has never once been up with the baby or put him down for the night. besides that, he regularly misses work to sleep all day after getting drunk the night before. this makes me resentful. i should have been more clear with my annoying rant. i am grateful, and respectful. i would like respect and gratitude in return- this isn't 1950, we are equals.

 

i knew his stance on marriage before, and at that point i didn't want to be married. and it's not even that i want to be married (i would like a handfasting ceremony), but it's what the label 'married' represents that i would like, and that he is unwilling to give. i do not want a false sense of security, or to 'trap him' so he can't get away. i would like him to be in this without reservation.

 

i do not expect him to be my complete emotional supporter. i just want to be thrown a bone once in awhile. i'd like him to meet me a quarter of the way once in awhile. i'm not an emotional touchy feely relationship person, which is why this has worked up until now. but the fundamentals of communication are missing- refusal to talk about coming up with a parenting plan we both agree on and will stick to. refusal to talk about family values and what we expect of eachother and whether or not it's reasonable.

 

because of his nasty divorce before me, the closer we get, the longer we're together, the more shut off he is. i'd give anything to go back to just having my friend i could talk with, hang out, be comfortable with. my friend that didn't judge me or criticize my every effort to run the house more efficiently. he doesn't take me seriously.

 

i'm going to give a lot of thought to everything that has been said here, and i'm smart, i'll figure it out. thanks for all your perspective, tough love. i do appreciate it.

Edited March 1, 2011 by aoxomoxoa