Male friend flirts w/ me knowing I have a bf

[lemonlegs]

I'm 19 and this past year, I started a new job. I then found out that one of the guys I work with is also in one of my college classes, so I thought it was good that I could make a new friend out of the deal. He was cool to talk to and was also majoring in my major as well, so it worked out. We would occassionally go grab something to eat, and I get him to read over my essays because he does really well in school and on papers.

 

Now, I do have a boyfriend who knows that this guy texts me (cause he's read some of the texts) but usually those were just the ones regarding work. He does say some suggestive things sometimes, but I don't want to call him out on it because 1. I could be totally misinterpreting it I suppose, and then I look like the idiot, 2. It would just make things awkward when I see him in class or at school.

 

There are times where it's been blatantly obvious, like he'll just say something sexual for example. Now I've never told my boyfriend because I feel like I'm just starting drama and/or rubbing it in his face that another guy is flirting with me. I know if he told me a girl was flirting with him, I'd want to calll her up myself and share a few choice words with her. I don't want to make a big deal out of it.

 

Overall, it doesn't really bother me much because I can easily shrug it off, but sometimes when we are together I can feel the tension. Not BETWEEN us, but becasue I sense that he does "like" me or whatever.... thinks I'm attractive, whatever it may be. My boyfriend even told me once when I mentioned his name, "I don't like him... I think he has the hots for you.." and that was without me even TELLING him about the more uhh, controversial things he has said to me.

 

One time when I mentioned to him that I was planning a trip to Cuba, he said "Well then I'll be expecting topless pictures or something", I just replied, "Hmm, don't think my boyfriend would approve of that"

 

And I NEVER discuss my relationship with him, so it's not like that. And if I do talk about my bf, it's not bashing. It's just mentioning him or something he said, for example. I don't know why he thinks it's okay. He's a nice guy and I like how he helps me out school-wise and that I have a friend in my classes, but yeah....

[lemonlegs]

What should I say to him? After reading other posts, I realize that even letting him say things like that to me isn't fair to my boyfriend though I'm not the one doing it.

 

Should I tell my boyfriend first? Or simply say something to my friend?

[Pyro]

If you can't shrug off the comments like they are nothing, then you should confront the friend and tell him that his comments are making you feel uneasy. Give him a chance to lay off the comments before your BF gets involved.

[jnj express]

Hey Lemon---how important to you is your BF---If keeping the relationship going with your BF is important---than whatever you do with your scumbag buddy is meaningless---in other words hurting his feelings ---no big deal

 

You know the guy is trying to score on you---so what you need to do---is to in no uncertain terms tell him to get lost---you should not be hanging with guys who do not respect you

 

You do not need to tell your BF, what is going on---you need to RID YOURSELF of your scumbag hangeron who is trying very sneaky hard to bust up your relationship------what happens is up to you---Do you want a relationship with your BF or not----you know what needs to be done!!!!!!!

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed how would you be feeling about this?

[sally4sara]

I think there is a way to diffuse this in a respectful manner, but I also think being real friends with this guy is a lost cause. You do have to work with him and go to school with him so I'm not suggesting an all out bridge burning. But he isn't behaving like someone you'd be wise to get to know outside of school and work.

 

The next time he says something sexual, you can say:

 

"Friend, I have enjoyed the pleasant nature of our work and school relationship but some of the things you say to me make me really uncomfortable. It makes me feel you're only friendly in the hopes of something more coming of this association. You know I have a BF and I know he would not appreciate some of the comments you make. So please stop saying them okay?"

 

Best case scenario is he back peddles and claims he is only joking. Allow him to save face, but don't forget his behavior and build on you association with him beyond school and work. He will only take it as a green light to start trying again.

[eleanorhurting]

If I were you I would cut him off completely. Interact with him only when you have to at work. Dont call, dont text, dont email, dont see each other outside of work.

 

Maybe right now you cannot possibly imagine anything happening. Maybe right now you are strong in your relationship and you do not make much of it. BUT, I went through something that starting EXACTLY like this and I ended up screwing up. Did I think I would be the kind of person to screw up? NO! But it happened to me. Maybe it wont happen to you but why risk it?

 

When you play with fire you could easily get burned. Why put yourself in that situation???

[xpaperxcutx]

I have a male friend who can be blatantly suggestive when he's single but when he's in relationships, he shies away from anything that would disrespect his current girlfriends. This is called setting boundaries, of which your guy friend has none. Not only this, your nonchalant response is enabling him to continue this behaviour.

 

Out of respect for both your bf and relationship, either talk to your friend or break off all ties with him. Your actions dictate your situations so you need to take some responsibility.

[lemonlegs]

Thanks everyone for your input. I do agree that I should say something the next time I pick up on it. We don't HANGOUT outside of school or work, except after class where we'll briefly go to get something to eat or if we both bus to work when we're working the same shifts, but that's it. He's rarely like that when we're face-to-face. I notice he does it more through texting. And we don't text everyday. A conversation will usually start if I ask him a question relating to school or work for example.

 

And I would be upset if a girl was talking to my boyfriend like that, so you're right. I just feel like telling my boyfriend would be like me trying to make him jealous, even though that's obviously not the case. I think I'll just say something next time it's blatant. I like this suggestion;

 

"Friend, I have enjoyed the pleasant nature of our work and school relationship but some of the things you say to me make me really uncomfortable. It makes me feel you're only friendly in the hopes of something more coming of this association. You know I have a BF and I know he would not appreciate some of the comments you make. So please stop saying them okay?"

 

Something along those lines would suffice.

 

He has also told me that he was the "other guy" in a relationship once, which he wasn't proud of, but (of course) told me the girl's boyfriend was a goof to her.

[neveragain1]

he's flirting with you because you allow it, and probably encourage it whether you think you do or not.

 

he is flirting with you because you are giving him a vibe that somehow you don't want to talk about your bf much. thats what people do when they want someone else to pay attention to them.

[neveragain1]

What should I say to him? After reading other posts, I realize that even letting him say things like that to me isn't fair to my boyfriend though I'm not the one doing it.

 

Should I tell my boyfriend first? Or simply say something to my friend?

 

cut ties with this so-called "friend". he is saying those things to you to test the waters because this isn't a friendship. he is laying the groundwork to bed you down. and if you reject him he can say he is just fooling around to save face if you aren't interested in him.

 

Like that episode of Seinfeld, "he's found a dating loophole"

 

you know this is not an appropriate "friendship" to have as a girl with a committed boyfriend. so cut the friendship.

[jnj express]

This is real simple---IF YOU HAVE A BF, who you REALLY wanna have a relationship with---your association with this other guy is inappropriate in every way shape or form

 

You need to stop associating with him at school, at work, and anywhere else---and tell him to stop contacting you electronically

 

DO NOT TELL ME you can't get thru school without contact from this scumbag who is an admitted home/relationship wrecker---if you need help at school I am sure there many many others you can talk to----stop traveling with him---just plain stop alltogether---unless of course you don't love your BF, or he, your BF, doesn't mean anything to you

[TaraMaiden]

"We teach people how to treat us".

 

I don't entirely like Dr. Phil but some of the stuff he says makes complete sense.

[lemonlegs]

This is real simple---IF YOU HAVE A BF, who you REALLY wanna have a relationship with---your association with this other guy is inappropriate in every way shape or form

 

You need to stop associating with him at school, at work, and anywhere else---and tell him to stop contacting you electronically

 

DO NOT TELL ME you can't get thru school without contact from this scumbag who is an admitted home/relationship wrecker---if you need help at school I am sure there many many others you can talk to----stop traveling with him---just plain stop alltogether---unless of course you don't love your BF, or he, your BF, doesn't mean anything to you

 

It's not a question of whether I love my boyfriend or care about him. I definitely do without a doubt.

 

As I said, his behaviour was not always obvious, it was more subtle and even then, I just asked if it was in my head.

 

But last night he started talking to me VIA facebook chat, and said "I missed ya today" (I wasn't in class because I'm sick). I found that a little weird but disregarded it. Then we kept talking about the lecture that I missed and I cAN'T REmember what exactly I said, but suggested something about school and he jokingly replied "That's genius... I could kiss you" or something like that. So then I replied "Whoa, tone it down, ______. So-and-so (my boyfriend) would definitely NOT approve... just sayin'...."

 

Then his response was "I'm waaaay out of your league" and I just said "whatever you say" or whatever... and then he said "ouch, that really hurt", but at this point I was confused about what he was talking about so I just said I was going to sleep and went offline.

 

Weird....so my question is, does my boyfriend deserve to know that this happened..?

[jnj express]

You need to stop with this guy---end of discussion

 

At this point you have nothing to talk to your BF about---unless you keep on---you know this guy is trying to get to you---Be a big girl, and say no more contact----why can't you do that??????

[hoping2heal]

I'm 19 and this past year, I started a new job. I then found out that one of the guys I work with is also in one of my college classes, so I thought it was good that I could make a new friend out of the deal. He was cool to talk to and was also majoring in my major as well, so it worked out. We would occassionally go grab something to eat, and I get him to read over my essays because he does really well in school and on papers.

 

Now, I do have a boyfriend who knows that this guy texts me (cause he's read some of the texts) but usually those were just the ones regarding work. He does say some suggestive things sometimes, but I don't want to call him out on it because 1. I could be totally misinterpreting it I suppose, and then I look like the idiot, 2. It would just make things awkward when I see him in class or at school.

 

There are times where it's been blatantly obvious, like he'll just say something sexual for example. Now I've never told my boyfriend because I feel like I'm just starting drama and/or rubbing it in his face that another guy is flirting with me. I know if he told me a girl was flirting with him, I'd want to calll her up myself and share a few choice words with her. I don't want to make a big deal out of it.

 

Overall, it doesn't really bother me much because I can easily shrug it off, but sometimes when we are together I can feel the tension. Not BETWEEN us, but becasue I sense that he does "like" me or whatever.... thinks I'm attractive, whatever it may be. My boyfriend even told me once when I mentioned his name, "I don't like him... I think he has the hots for you.." and that was without me even TELLING him about the more uhh, controversial things he has said to me.

 

One time when I mentioned to him that I was planning a trip to Cuba, he said "Well then I'll be expecting topless pictures or something", I just replied, "Hmm, don't think my boyfriend would approve of that"

 

And I NEVER discuss my relationship with him, so it's not like that. And if I do talk about my bf, it's not bashing. It's just mentioning him or something he said, for example. I don't know why he thinks it's okay. He's a nice guy and I like how he helps me out school-wise and that I have a friend in my classes, but yeah....

 

I absolutely do not let other guys hit on me, knowing I have a BF. Those who have tried, I did not bother continued contact. I am going to marry this man, and if you have that little disrespect for another persons relationship, believe me I have no business being your acquaintance or casual friend.

 

I agree with others that you need to quit talking to the jerkoff. You wont look like a fool because you actually do the right thing out of respect for the RS you are in. How you look to some other guy should be your last concern, unless I dont know you have feelings for the flirter guy.

Edited March 3, 2011 by hoping2heal

[sally4sara]

In what way does being loyal to an SO require you to create a crappy and combative atmosphere at your job and class? She told the guy to cool it and said she doesn't socialize with him; only talks about work and school related subjects. Does she really have to go full tilt, give her BF something to stress over every time she goes to school or work and scream this guy down to get a point across? Seems to me she handled it. Why would she need to mess things up at school and work to be considered loyal to her relationship? ITs not like they were having an affair.

 

About the only thing I can think of that would be reasonable is to find someone else in her class to be her contact for missed subjects and assignments.

 

Guys don't only hit on you because you "let them". She let him know its not cool so what more is there to do? Get her BF to kick his ass and possibly an assault rap in his record? Quit her job? Drop her class? Scream every time the guy gets within 20 feet of her?

[jnj express]

Hey S4S---do you not read well---he is texting her, that is inapropos---he is hitting on her in his texts-----that is all inapropos and needs to be stopped, if she is in a relationship

 

Lemon what is your problem with cutting this guy out of your cell phone, and not seeing him all outside of the classroom, or the workplace?????

[sally4sara]

Hey S4S---do you not read well---he is texting her, that is inapropos---he is hitting on her in his texts-----that is all inapropos and needs to be stopped, if she is in a relationship

 

Lemon what is your problem with cutting this guy out of your cell phone, and not seeing him all outside of the classroom, or the workplace?????

 

I read just fine. She called him out on his tone and let him know its not welcome. So like I said; what else is there to do? About the only other thing I could think of that she can do is find a different in class contact for assignment and lecture info. Anything else will cause more drama than necessary when she is on the job.

[neveragain1]

Weird....so my question is, does my boyfriend deserve to know that this happened..?

 

I think you know the answer to this. is there something about this you feel he doesn't deserve to know?

[neveragain1]

In what way does being loyal to an SO require you to create a crappy and combative atmosphere at your job and class?

 

the crappy atmosphere was brought on by the guy who was testing how far he could go with her, not by her.

 

and allowing it to continue would be disrespectful to her SO as well as being friends with this guy.

 

If I had a SO with a guy friend that said he wanted topless photos of her, I wouldn't feel she respected me if she kept him as a friend.

[neveragain1]

Exactly. She knows she needs to tell him. It's cheating and she knows it because she allows this to happen. She should've cut him off when he started to hit on her.

 

I guarantee you I haven't met a woman that I don't think wouldn't want to slap me if I stayed friends with another woman that hit on me. And I wouldn't blame her.

[Citizen Erased]

If you didn't love the attention, you would have dropped him by now.

 

You haven't told your boyfriend about this because you know he will insist you dropthis "friend". And then where would you get the ego stroke?

 

I'm sorry, but texting and flirting with another guy is not appropriate. And going out to eat after class with a guy that clearly likes you and doesn't respect your relationship, also inappropriate.

[lemonlegs]

In what way does being loyal to an SO require you to create a crappy and combative atmosphere at your job and class? She told the guy to cool it and said she doesn't socialize with him; only talks about work and school related subjects. Does she really have to go full tilt, give her BF something to stress over every time she goes to school or work and scream this guy down to get a point across? Seems to me she handled it. Why would she need to mess things up at school and work to be considered loyal to her relationship? ITs not like they were having an affair.

 

About the only thing I can think of that would be reasonable is to find someone else in her class to be her contact for missed subjects and assignments.

 

Guys don't only hit on you because you "let them". She let him know its not cool so what more is there to do? Get her BF to kick his ass and possibly an assault rap in his record? Quit her job? Drop her class? Scream every time the guy gets within 20 feet of her?

 

 

See, that's how I felt too. Initially. He HAS said some inappropriate things and I let him know. Basically I'm a person that tries to avoid awkward situations, and I know that if I were to cause a scene about it, I'd feel like a drama queen. And Citizen, no, I don't keep up the friendship as an ego stroke, I just genuinely feel like I would be making a huge deal out of something that I can easily turn the other cheek to.

 

On the other hand, as others have mentioned, I would be upset if I knew a girl was doing this to my boyfriend. But naturally, I'm in university, and work with males AND females, and it's inevitable that I'm going to come into contact with a lot of guys, some of which will probably try and hit on me even knowing I have a boyfriend. And my boyfriend has told me he's acknowledged this. My boyfriend doesn't go to school and works with all males. I am a girl that tends to associate with guys more... at school, for example, only guys have ever approached me nicely to make small talk (not to say it was for one reason only), whereas no girl has ever done that.

 

The guy in question is a nice guy for the most part, and I do believe he'd never try anything TOO extreme. There's only 5 weeks left of class and I'm hoping to find a new job in the next couple of months. After that, contact will definitely stop. Why? Well.... the only two things we have in common at this point is our class, and our job.