NamNam Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Hey all, I've been with my lady for a year now. I love her dearly and am planning on building a life together. However, my folks dislike her because she has had a son (whom I love too) from a previous marriage. We're both relatively young (I'm 28, she's 25) and that is a reason for my folks to be more judgemental. This has created an atmosphere at home which is very cold and tense. I don't want to slip into a pattern of lying and being secretive with my parents on my where abouts. I'm a grown man but behaving like a mischievous child. It's so hard to be able to be honest with them where the easy option is to not tell them anything at all or worse still, lie. How do I break this cycle of lying and deceipt? I don't even know why I am writing this, I think I know the solution but the solutions is so damn hard to do. Maybe I'm thinking aloud or venting. I know I should not give a **** about what my folks think. But that is very difficult considering how they taught me and their sacrifices for me. Anybody have motivating words or etc? Link to post Share on other sites
ChristineB Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Wow NamNam, your situation sounds somewhat like my cousin's but trust me, things could have been worse. My cousin wasn't accepted by her in-laws because she is a lesbian. Her wife's family exploded on both of them the moment they pronounced they were together. But they got through all the hardship and got married in Canada and they will be welcoming a second baby next month. Yes, they did run away together, yes it doesn't sound much like a solution, but it was to them, the only solution. But the best part is, her in-laws are starting to accept her, seeing the two of them are happy together, they decided, "maybe it wasn't a bad thing at all?" My point is, we always have a choice, sometimes, your choice may rip your heart off, but in time, your loved one will always be there for you, will always support you, if they truly love you that is, which I believe they do. The idea may not appeal to them, but you are still family no matter what, and family accept, family forgive, and family support. Trust your heart, follow it and I believe you won't regret anything at the end. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I was in a similar situation but in the position of your girlfriend. If you really choose this women and this relationship, I suggest standing up to your family, that is how you break the pattern. Otherwise, your partner may see that you're not fighting for her or the relationship and that can lead to a lot of resentment. Lying and acting secretively while burying your head in the sand, won't make the problem go away. If she makes you happy and you stand your ground, then eventually they will see that their actions cannot change your mind, and as ChristineB suggested, in time they will accept that this is your life and your choice. It's not going to be easy, but that doesn't mean it's not worth doing. You must remain consistent that you choose this woman and this relationship. That you respect their sacrifices, how they've brought you up and their opinion but ultimately, it's your life and your choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NamNam Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) Thanks for responding to my thread. I shall answer them individually. Wow NamNam, your situation sounds somewhat like my cousin's but trust me, things could have been worse. My cousin wasn't accepted by her in-laws because she is a lesbian. Her wife's family exploded on both of them the moment they pronounced they were together. But they got through all the hardship and got married in Canada and they will be welcoming a second baby next month. Yes, they did run away together, yes it doesn't sound much like a solution, but it was to them, the only solution. But the best part is, her in-laws are starting to accept her, seeing the two of them are happy together, they decided, "maybe it wasn't a bad thing at all?" My point is, we always have a choice, sometimes, your choice may rip your heart off, but in time, your loved one will always be there for you, will always support you, if they truly love you that is, which I believe they do. The idea may not appeal to them, but you are still family no matter what, and family accept, family forgive, and family support. Trust your heart, follow it and I believe you won't regret anything at the end. I guess I am lucky as it could always be definitely worse. My lady and I have decided to move in together with her (our) son. We've decided this is the best solution if we are to progress together as a family. That will definitely antagonise my parents. Fortunately my sisters are cool with it all since I've introduced them to my partner and son. They can see and understand why I love them so much and how much they love me. It's just my parents.... But I do hope what you say is true for me, it's how I convince myself things will come good. My parents are always re-enforcing that my happiness is what matters most, if I'm happy then they're happy. Although I'm cynical, I do hold out hope for it. I was in a similar situation but in the position of your girlfriend. If you really choose this women and this relationship, I suggest standing up to your family, that is how you break the pattern. Otherwise, your partner may see that you're not fighting for her or the relationship and that can lead to a lot of resentment. Lying and acting secretively while burying your head in the sand, won't make the problem go away. If she makes you happy and you stand your ground, then eventually they will see that their actions cannot change your mind, and as ChristineB suggested, in time they will accept that this is your life and your choice. It's not going to be easy, but that doesn't mean it's not worth doing. You must remain consistent that you choose this woman and this relationship. That you respect their sacrifices, how they've brought you up and their opinion but ultimately, it's your life and your choice. The bolded statement is what I am trying very hard to do. Everyday is a battle at home currently. Mind games and acts of self restraint. I find myself stayig back in the office till late in avoid going home and facing my parents. It's ridiculous. We've found a place together already and on the verge on signing a pre-lease agreement to secure that apartment. That settlement date (March 25th) can't come soon enough. But boy would there be some fireworks if I'm not careful until then . Also, may I ask? How did that relationship go? How did you handle this and what were your feelings and emotions during that period in your life? Edited February 28, 2011 by NamNam Link to post Share on other sites
alwaysagoodgirl Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Are any of your parents concerns valid? If some of the concerns are valid can they be worked through? No relationship is perfect. Mom n dad surley have some skeletons they are keeping private. They want the best for you but often parents have a hard time allowing their adult children to live adult lives. Work hard and make them proud of your decisions. They are likely to come around. My inlaws did, it took about 10 years but they finally ate crow. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Hey all, I've been with my lady for a year now. I love her dearly and am planning on building a life together. However, my folks dislike her because she has had a son (whom I love too) from a previous marriage. We're both relatively young (I'm 28, she's 25) and that is a reason for my folks to be more judgemental. This has created an atmosphere at home which is very cold and tense. I don't want to slip into a pattern of lying and being secretive with my parents on my where abouts. I'm a grown man but behaving like a mischievous child. It's so hard to be able to be honest with them where the easy option is to not tell them anything at all or worse still, lie. How do I break this cycle of lying and deceipt? I don't even know why I am writing this, I think I know the solution but the solutions is so damn hard to do. Maybe I'm thinking aloud or venting. I know I should not give a **** about what my folks think. But that is very difficult considering how they taught me and their sacrifices for me. Anybody have motivating words or etc? It's not that you shouldn't care about what your family thinks; of course you're going to care. They're your family. They raised you. They're your base of support. To some extent, it's strange not to care. At the same time, you have your life. You are an adult. In the end, you will have to be more responsible for your own welfare, your own happiness, and achieving your own destiny more than they will. Chances are, you will outlive your parents. Chances are, you will have responsibilities that are solely yours and nobody else's. That is what parents and siblings often fail to understand or acknowledge, and that is why, in the end, you must do what you think is right for yourself, regardless of whether it upsets them or not. What I have noticed about families is that there is often an unconscious pattern of using their moral authority - the fact that they've raised you and given so much to you - to influence the thinking of their children. They're also the rule makers for the family. They've established the rules for living in the family, and they're probably not going to change. The only thing you can ask them to do is to be flexible and adapt. I hope that it works out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NamNam Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 Thanks amerikajin, Your words do help. They're often the same words I repeat to myself. But that 'moral authority' is sure a hard bastard to beat lol. Thank you again, Nam Link to post Share on other sites
devilmaycare Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 IF your parents do have any valid concerns regarding your relationship, you will find out soon enough after living together. Once you are out on your own with your lady and son, you will have more space and privacy away. DO pay attention to any cues though. My mother was very critical of my H before she passed, and she DID have some valid points. I wish I had noticed some of the behavioral tendencies early on. I would also definitely give you and your lady some time before introducing any more children. Give yourselves time to know each other as cohabitants, and this will hopefully give your parents the time they need to accept her and your son as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NamNam Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 IF your parents do have any valid concerns regarding your relationship, you will find out soon enough after living together. Once you are out on your own with your lady and son, you will have more space and privacy away. DO pay attention to any cues though. My mother was very critical of my H before she passed, and she DID have some valid points. I wish I had noticed some of the behavioral tendencies early on. I would also definitely give you and your lady some time before introducing any more children. Give yourselves time to know each other as cohabitants, and this will hopefully give your parents the time they need to accept her and your son as well. Agreed on all points. When concerns are valid, I'm more than happy to listen. And so far there hasn't been any problems that we haven't been able to overcome with communication and understanding. I'm no fortune teller, but there's very little to suggest that I am doing anything wrong. Convincing my parents is another story, but I've learned to give up on trying to convince them. I hope they have the frame of mind to be able to see things for what they really are over time - that I'm OK, happy, and she's not a gold digger lol. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 Gold digger? Why? Just because she has a son? Good grief. How disgusting. I am sorry, but you should man up and tell your parents that this is the woman you love and her son, and that they WILL NOT treat either one badly, or there will be consequences. Then back it up. I have seen too many cases of the man not standing up and allowing his parents and sibs to treat his wife/partner/etc like dirt. Please don't allow it. Please show your lady that you truly love her. Of course, you may choose a different way of telling them how it is...but the point is that you need to nip this crap in the bud...now. Link to post Share on other sites
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