Els Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 I agree with LT, and I think what happened was a good thing. All the best! Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 I think the email and the talk following really went extremely well. You stated the problem, suggested a solution, and he agreed to the solution. Things really couldn't have gone better than that. I think things are looking good overall too. Happy for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 Thank you so much LT! I'm proud of myself for saying it all, finally And thank you for all the support and hand holding lately HOH, for what it's worth, I think it's great. I think you've made really good progress and you should be proud of yourself for speaking up and asking for your needs to be met. You got your point across to him and he has promised to make some changes. That's a big step forward - well done. Although you've given a fair amount of information here, nobody knows either you or your partner personally and nobody knows every word of your conversation, so it's difficult for other's to assess what's actually happening. I think everyone is giving their opinion based on their understanding of your situation which, for most, is not complete. That isn't your fault, or theirs, it just isn't possible on a forum like this to explain everything in detail. Give yourself a pat on the back and be happy with what you've achieved in the past few days. What you're best doing now is waiting to see if your partner follows through with his promises and, if/when he does, take notice of how much better you feel about your relationship. If you're still struggling as much as you have in the past then it's time to take a good long look at whether this relationship is right for you. If, as I hope will be the case, the changes your partner makes result in you feeling much happier and able to cope with the distance, then I'd say you're on to a good thing. You've said that you both have self-esteem issues etc, which is bound to make a relationship harder, especially in the beginning, but you seem like lovely people to me and I've got my fingers crossed for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 Many thanks Elswyth and heartshaped, I'll let you know how things go Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 I've probably given the impression on there that he makes it hard for me to talk about problems, but it's always been the opposite, from day one he has said many times 'always say how you feel, I want to know how you feel even if you're worried it might upset me, just don't feel you can't say what's on your mind.' But I've always had a problem saying to people how I feel because I fear hurting or making people cross, and I fear rejection, but these feelings all come from me, something I've always struggled with, and not from him making me feel I shouldn't say anything to upset him. An he has the same problem So we both agreed we need to work on that and talk about things at the time and not let them build up. Link to post Share on other sites
folieadeux Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Glad everything is working out for you. Something most likely got lost in translation somewhere along the lines for me in regards to the resentment issue but that's neither here nor there. It's so hard conveying things via text sometimes and as long as you're happy that's all any of us want to see for you. Link to post Share on other sites
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 (edited) What am I justifying? He's willingly agreed to make changes. And where did I say he resents me? Yes, I know him, and trust him. Time will tell if he makes changes and if it will help or not, maybe even after changes I still won't be able to handle the distance. i am sorry, it's just your posts are inconsistent so i am not sure which is which. Thank you. I don't know how things are to be honest. He read the email last night and we talked on msn, at first he said he didn't know what I wanted him to say and did I still want to see him. Basically I said it would help if he just saw his ex once a month and he agreed to that with no problem, I said but there's no point if you'd resent me and said he wouldn't resent me, and put a smiley face. I think now he's slept on it he will resent me asking him to see less of her, although he understood while I feel the way I do. plus the premise of you writing this thread initially was about his ex spending time together and in the end you said the problem is not about her but the distance. I can't do this for nearly 2 more years, actually it would probably be more than 2 years as he'll be stressed about moving and will delay it. I feel I could cope with the distance if he weren't with his ex most w/ends, I told him how I feel a few weeks ago and he was very understanding and has made more time for me while she is there, but for the last week my stomach has been in a tight knot because her being there makes everything worse, I feel if she wasn't there so much then I could deal with the distance, but her being there rubs in how much I miss him and how I feel they will remain closer than me and him are, he denies that's he not closer to her just cos there's a lot. I've told him several times I'm finding the distance hard, whether his ex is involved or not, I was really struggling with the distance, then I got to the point a few weeks ago I felt much more at ease with it, got more used to it and time between visits went more quickly, but then the situation with his ex got worse again as she started spending more time with him again and this made the distance feel too hard again. what i say is what you may not want to hear, but my point is that at least be true to yourself and accept whatever it is that is bugging you in this relationship. you have to come in terms with yourself and know what you want cuz your boyfriend is also not a mind reader. he may not resent you for asking him to see less of his ex, but when you begin to feel uncomfortable about it again later on, it will cause a misunderstanding. i am not saying you cannot change your mind. but it helps a lot knowing what you want because it minimizes the frustration. Edited March 9, 2011 by TokyoG33kyGal Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 i am sorry, it's just your posts are inconsistent so i am not sure which is which. TokyoGal, let me explain (HOH, I hope you don't mind). HOH said "he said he wouldn't resent me" Then she said "I think, now he's slept on it, he will resent me" There's a big difference between what HOH's partner is saying he will feel and what she is thinking he will feel. HOH is a self-confessed worrier and this is just something she is worrying about. The reality is what he says, not what she thinks. Regarding the change in conversation and concerns about the distance and the ex - do all your conversations with your bf stay on one topic? Is every issue in your relationship clear cut and separated from every other issue? Somehow I doubt it. HOH finds the distance difficult (as do most of us) and the ex is an added complication. The two are not separate problems and a conversation about one, is bound to become entangled with a conversation about the other. I think HOH has been very consistent in what her concerns are and, now she's had the courage to share them with her partner, she is one step closer to getting her needs met in this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 Spot on LT, you know me well Link to post Share on other sites
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 There's a big difference between what HOH's partner is saying he will feel and what she is thinking he will feel. HOH is a self-confessed worrier and this is just something she is worrying about. The reality is what he says, not what she thinks. what she thinks is her interpretation of what he says. so it's still relevant for them to understand each other. thus, i told her she knows herself more and her bf and apologized for any misinterpretation. punctuation changes the meaning of phrases as well. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 what she thinks is her interpretation of what he says. so it's still relevant for them to understand each other. No, I don't think so. He said X and she heard X. Then she went away and started worrying about things and wondered if he would think Y in the morning - that's it - simple. No misunderstanding. He didn't think Y in the morning. Just HOH worrying about something that never happened. (Sorry HOH, I feel as though I keep speaking for you ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 I don't mind at all! You explain things much better than I do! No, I don't think so. He said X and she heard X. Then she went away and started worrying about things and wondered if he would think Y in the morning - that's it - simple. No misunderstanding. He didn't think Y in the morning. Just HOH worrying about something that never happened. (Sorry HOH, I feel as though I keep speaking for you ) Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I don't mind at all! You explain things much better than I do! Oh, I don't know about that - you explain yourself fine. I'm just very quick to 'stick my nose in' albeit with the best intentions. Link to post Share on other sites
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 that is okay, we can agree to disagree. i still stick to my opinion. in the end, it's up to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 12, 2011 Author Share Posted March 12, 2011 I feel so much better after talking to my other half last w/end about the things which were on my mind, I feel much more happy and positive, bacially I feel I can handle the distance now he'll be seeing less of his ex and if he mentions the future more, which he is doing I should have told him exactly how I felt a while ago instead of beating around the bush. The chat we had after I sent him the email was hard going as he worried it was ultimately the distance I couldn't handle and he was worried I wanted out, and I worried he would, but once we talked more he realised it was the other things I couldn't deal with which made the distance seem unbearable, once things became clear he was so understanding and sweet It may sound to some people like he's uncaring and doesn't consider my feelings, this isn't the case, if it were I wouldn't be daft enough to be with him, he can be naive with things but this doesn't mean he is uncaring. He has called himself selfish and thoughtless before, regarding his ex and how I might feel about the situation, but I don't agree, well not thoughtless as in doesn't give a s*** how I feel, thoughtless to some extent that it didn't occur to him it would bother me, but he admits to that. It looks like some of you think I'm an fool for staying with him, all I can say is I know him, so I am much better able to judge. TokyoGal especially, you seem convinced he's not worthy of me and that I'm making a huge mistake. I've no idea if we'll go the distance but we're both giving it our best shot, we both care deeply how the other feels, I wish you could wish me well rather than implying I don't know what I'm doing. I've lived with a horrible person before and I swore I'd never make the same mistake again and I haven't. If you met my partner you'd see why I love him, you'd see what a generous, kind, loving, and sweet soul he is, ok he's not perfect and he makes mistakes, so do I, but please don't judge him so harshly, he really doesn't deserve it and you'd see that if you met him. We both need to practice communicating when we have a problem, and both need to stop assuming or guessing things incorrectly. He's said several times to please let him know how I feel if there's a problem as he wants to work through it with me, I am learning also to not assume there is a problem just because he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve like I do, he is the same as my ex in this respect but it didn't matter with him as he was by my side so it was totally different, him just being there was reassuring. I probably came across as he's bound to make a fuss about me saying what I had to say, but it was all in my head, because I've always worried about saying to anyone when I have a problem, it wasn't something he'd done to make me feel I couldn't tell him, quite the opposite, he has always said he wants to know if I'm not happy so we can try and work it out. Link to post Share on other sites
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 hey HoH, you don't really have to explain. we all love somebody for our own reasons. i believe i have been in the same boat as you all were at some point in time, and in no way i am doing this to rain on anybody's parade. like i said, i can only evaluate to the extent of what you say here...and without the account of your partner, i have to take into consideration what he might be thinking. isn't all that what we came here for? to possibly analyze what they think or justify their actions? if you must give a try, then do so. but you must love yourself first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 >if you must give it a try< Not a case of must it's a case of I want to because he's worth it and our r/ship is special to us. I do tell him how I feel now, so I've changed the way I approach any problems. Yes people here analyse situations, we all do it, but at times, not just with my posts, you don't seem to be reading the posts properly, you disregard/ignore some of what has been said. hey HoH, you don't really have to explain. we all love somebody for our own reasons. i believe i have been in the same boat as you all were at some point in time, and in no way i am doing this to rain on anybody's parade. like i said, i can only evaluate to the extent of what you say here...and without the account of your partner, i have to take into consideration what he might be thinking. isn't all that what we came here for? to possibly analyze what they think or justify their actions? if you must give a try, then do so. but you must love yourself first. Link to post Share on other sites
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 it just does seem like that because that's not what people would like to hear. we are just different people and leave it at that. don't take my words personally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 The problem is you don't seem to read some posts properly because your replies don't correspond with what is being said, sometimes you perceive things incorrectly even though the couple involved clearly know the situation better than you do, and when someone says you're wrong you deny it. Like LT and Elswyth said you seem to think couples should split up at the first sign of a problem. None of us know if our r/ships will go the distance, but if there's real potential and both coupes are putting in the effort, some words of encouragement would be nice. it just does seem like that because that's not what people would like to hear. we are just different people and leave it at that. don't take my words personally. Link to post Share on other sites
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 sometimes you perceive things incorrectly even though the couple involved clearly know the situation better than you do, and when someone says you're wrong you deny it. nobody is wrong. there are X ways to do Y, you just want to hear 1 way that justifies your action. if the couple involved clearly know the situation better, then why ask strangers opinions? why even bother posting in LS asking for advice? ignore my posts if you don't like it, simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 LOL I'm sorry but I found the spambot hilarious for once. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 That is funny LOL I'm sorry but I found the spambot hilarious for once. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeavenOrHell Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 I'd take you more seriously if you dropped the 'I'm right no matter what anyone says attitude'. And of course there's two sides to every story, no-one's saying otherwise, we all have to look at both sides, that also means everyone who reads my posts needs to look at my partner's side and not just mine. Yes I come here for advice, but when me and my partner are rectifying the problems and things are going well I don't appreciate you implying I'm wrong. It's like you're saying I should have walked away before I even explained to him how I felt and what the problems were, I'd never talked to him properly before about the problems, so how was he supposed to put them right before that. He knows now and he's changed things, so where's the problem? I can't see one, seems to only be you who can! nobody is wrong. there are X ways to do Y, you just want to hear 1 way that justifies your action. if the couple involved clearly know the situation better, then why ask strangers opinions? why even bother posting in LS asking for advice? ignore my posts if you don't like it, simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
abcheck12 Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 A time devoted to the action of taking Crunch Time can happen at anytime, in anyplace, to anyone. The length of a Crunch Time is affected my many things. Your age, your sex, barometric pressure, the earths pitch relative to the sun's axis, and what you ate last night for dinner all play a part on when Crunch Time will ensue. Justin: Nick, you've been in there a while. You okay man? Link to post Share on other sites
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