ei_cathy Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Hi! Im new to the forum.. I decided to join just to air out my frustation and to get a some advice or comments regarding my situation... Ive been with my boyfriend for about 8 years now and this year im turning 29, he's 3 years older than me.. i just passed my cpa exams and he's a LPN (a type of nurse) who wants to go back to school.. my friends and family has been consistently teasing us on when are we going to tie the know but of course i just smile knowing that i dont have any answer for them.. recently, i brought up the topic of marriage .. i asked him when does marriage fit in his plan since he told me that he wants to go back to school so he could get into a better profession (he wants to be a Occupational therapist) and his answer was after graduation which is 2 or 3 years from now. It is kinda long for me, i mean I will be 32 then. He noticed that i got a lil upset over it and he told me that he doesnt want to get into marriage knowing that he's not financially independent and that we are not ready financially for it.. and he said "What do you want me to do? or say? " and i said the truth or some kind of assurance that it will happen but he said that time will only tell if it really going to be us.. it didnt give any kind of comfort at all.. i know he can't predict the future whatsoever but i can't help the way i feel... i dont know what to do.. i think i am willing to wait since he does have a valid reason but i want him to kinda give me something like.. as of now, like today, i am the woman that he wants to marry in 2-3 years.. and then we'll see if it changes or not within those years.. Other than this issue, we dont really have any major problems.. we don't live together (since i told him that i dont want to unless we're married or engaged at least).. but we see each other on weekends and he pretty much just stay there on those days.. we love each other very much and in our own ways.. we are kinda of opposites in a lot of ways but it works for us coz we balance each other out.. i dont know that to do... Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Hi! Im new to the forum.. I decided to join just to air out my frustation and to get a some advice or comments regarding my situation... Ive been with my boyfriend for about 8 years now and this year im turning 29, he's 3 years older than me.. i just passed my cpa exams and he's a LPN (a type of nurse) who wants to go back to school.. my friends and family has been consistently teasing us on when are we going to tie the know but of course i just smile knowing that i dont have any answer for them.. recently, i brought up the topic of marriage .. i asked him when does marriage fit in his plan since he told me that he wants to go back to school so he could get into a better profession (he wants to be a Occupational therapist) and his answer was after graduation which is 2 or 3 years from now. It is kinda long for me, i mean I will be 32 then. He noticed that i got a lil upset over it and he told me that he doesnt want to get into marriage knowing that he's not financially independent and that we are not ready financially for it.. and he said "What do you want me to do? or say? " and i said the truth or some kind of assurance that it will happen but he said that time will only tell if it really going to be us.. it didnt give any kind of comfort at all.. i know he can't predict the future whatsoever but i can't help the way i feel... i dont know what to do.. i think i am willing to wait since he does have a valid reason but i want him to kinda give me something like.. as of now, like today, i am the woman that he wants to marry in 2-3 years.. and then we'll see if it changes or not within those years.. Other than this issue, we dont really have any major problems.. we don't live together (since i told him that i dont want to unless we're married or engaged at least).. but we see each other on weekends and he pretty much just stay there on those days.. we love each other very much and in our own ways.. we are kinda of opposites in a lot of ways but it works for us coz we balance each other out.. i dont know that to do... If he and you are both able to maintain separate dwellings and keep your bills paid, you're not exactly "not financially ready" because these two incomes would combine for ONE household. And its been 8 years, what is it that time will tell that 8 years hasn't already shown? I get that he wants to complete his education before marriage, just as much as I get you waiting to live together until a course of intent is established. But after 8 years, he shouldn't still be "time will tell" about it. It should be more "yes you are the one in my eyes and I fully intend to make that step with you, just not till schooling is finished." He can't even tell you that. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ei_cathy Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 If he and you are both able to maintain separate dwellings and keep your bills paid, you're not exactly "not financially ready" because these two incomes would combine for ONE household. And its been 8 years, what is it that time will tell that 8 years hasn't already shown? I get that he wants to complete his education before marriage, just as much as I get you waiting to live together until a course of intent is established. But after 8 years, he shouldn't still be "time will tell" about it. It should be more "yes you are the one in my eyes and I fully intend to make that step with you, just not till schooling is finished." He can't even tell you that. I'm sorry. thanks! actually he still lives with his family.. in our culture the kids don't normally leave the family until they get married.. the only reason why i live alone is because of the job.. but i think you are right.. i need him to tell those words to me, after 8 years, he should know.. maybe he can't answer that question.. maybe its time to move on (easier said than done) Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I agree with Sally4Sara - I wasted 6 years with my last bf waiting for him to be ready - I finally walked away, spent months crying my eyes out, but now I am finally doing much, MUCH better. Would you prefer to be starting over again now, or in 3 or 4 more years? The reality is he will always have a reason to delay, and those reasons will always make sense. Once he graduates he will need to build a practice. My ex lost his job 7 months into our relationship and decided it was time to start the "entrepreneurial" phase of his life. The bottom line is somehow I lost the next 5+ years of my life continuing to live on my own, paying for everything we did together (thinking I was paying into our future), and taking his progressively more nasty attitude toward me without realizing it as his various businesses did not catapult him to succesws. I did not end it until I discovered that he was on match.com either cheating or looking for someone else - it didn't matter which at that point - once I found out he was lying to me I never spoke to him again. However when I met him I was 39 years old - there was actually still a chance I could have have had children. By the time we broke up - there was none (according to my doctor) - so while my case is more extreme than yours, since you are ten years younger than that - think about whether or not you want to waste those years or not. Best of luck to you! CNYCG Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 thanks! actually he still lives with his family.. in our culture the kids don't normally leave the family until they get married.. the only reason why i live alone is because of the job.. but i think you are right.. i need him to tell those words to me, after 8 years, he should know.. maybe he can't answer that question.. maybe its time to move on (easier said than done) I think he is too comfortable and complacent about the relationship, as in, she's not going anywhere. And maybe, you are or have been also. So it is as if he has a wife who attends to many of his needs while not having to provide, profess or protect. My advice: Get busy with what you want to do, be, go, etc. Start to plan a future as if he will NOT be a part of it. Maybe, just maybe, start dating. Tell him while you admire his ambition to return to school, you would really like to get married and start a family, or whatever it is you want. Why wait for him to be ready......another 8 years could go by. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Question: Do you want to get married - because you want to marry HIM? Or do you want to get married for the sake of being married? I think you really need to ask yourself that question. He seems very wooshy washy about it, and if after 8 years he's telling you that 'time will tell' on whether you two will end up together - then (I'm sorry to say) - I don't think he wants to marry YOU. Sure, there could be love, but honestly, after 8 years - should you know by then? Its great that he has career ambitions, its great that there is love between you two, but I dunno...it just doesn't seem like he's into it to the extent you are. I'm really sorry. Honestly, on the plus side, at least he's honest about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I think he is making some excuses why he doesn't want to get married. He doesn't sound like he's ready, but if that were the case I'd think he would just say "I want to marry you someday, I'm just not ready yet." If he said that would you stick around? It sounds like you just want some reassurance that you aren't wasting your time and he didn't really give you that. I guess you have to decide whether or not you are willing to risk waiting another 3-4 years for him to make up his mind. If that time comes and he is STILL making excuses, would you be more ready to walk away? Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Question: Do you want to get married - because you want to marry HIM? Or do you want to get married for the sake of being married? I think you really need to ask yourself that question. He seems very wooshy washy about it, and if after 8 years he's telling you that 'time will tell' on whether you two will end up together - then (I'm sorry to say) - I don't think he wants to marry YOU. Sure, there could be love, but honestly, after 8 years - should you know by then? Its great that he has career ambitions, its great that there is love between you two, but I dunno...it just doesn't seem like he's into it to the extent you are. I'm really sorry. Honestly, on the plus side, at least he's honest about it. Great points Tiger! So OP, you be honest too, if you really want a future with him. FWIW, a man in love cannot fathom the thought of a future without you; he pursues you, if for no other reason, than he cannot bear the thought of another man claiming? marrying? taking you away from him. If he is properly besotted, HE is the one who refuses to lose you to some other admirer. So, what is it you want? And are you sure you want it with him? If yes, then tell him so. If no, then cut him free and find someone who cannot imagine a future without you. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Today most men know that marriage brings no benefit. This guy is probably one of the informed ones. Link to post Share on other sites
davidmoore Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 The same situation was with my friend, but to them i suggested a counselor help, after which they were fine and got married. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Shall I guess mommy does his laundry, cooks his meals and takes care of all his needs at home? Then he has his friend with benefits on the weekend? Do you vacation together? Is he allowed to stay all weekend with you? 8 years and age 32....... Wake up...... Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I see no reason why you couldn't get engaged now, move in together, and start planning a wedding for after his graduation. It's been eight years and he's still making excuses to avoid any sort of commitment; by this point he should be sure that he loves you and should be ready to commit. As others have said, when he graduates there'll be yet another excuse for you not to get married, by which time you'll be in your thirties and time will be running short for you to find a suitable partner. If he's not ready to commit to you after eight years, he probably never will be. I wouldn't be prepared to risk my future on the offchance that my man might propose in a couple of years time, especially when a whole eight years have already gone past without him proposing. Why didn't he propose five years ago, since he presumably wasn't going back to school then?! Link to post Share on other sites
phenotype22 Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Plain and simple: He doesn't want to marry you. The whole financial issue is just an excuse. It's time to cut your losses and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 He's an LPN (licensed practical nurse)... nurses are good at communication, they have to be on lose their job. He IS communicating what he feels to you. He is making excuses it seems like. Cut him loose. Best way to know what you lost is to lose it. Link to post Share on other sites
Woman In Blue Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Today most men know that marriage brings no benefit. This guy is probably one of the informed ones. What a crock of bull. The OP is in a very lucrative field and will more than likely always earn more than her boyfriend (or their salaries will be comparable). Also more than likely, it will be the OP who ends up doing 99% of the housework, the shopping, the laundry, the cooking, the day to day house chores AND the raising of the children - all while bringing home at least as much (but probably more!) money as her boyfriend. It seems to me that nowadays, the ONLY one benefitting from marriage is the lazy ass men. Link to post Share on other sites
AlleneTullo Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Hey,man. Nice post. I have read a number of your informative post, thanks for sharing. Link to post Share on other sites
Woman In Blue Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Cathy, culture or not, a full grown man still living with mommy and daddy - at the age of 32 - is just an embarrassment at that point. I'll assume mommy does all the housework and the cooking, does his laundry for him, and probably packs his lunch every day. The only thing she probably doesn't do is wipe his ass. You lucky, lucky woman - if you DO win this prize, all those jobs will become yours! The guy's a social misfit - he'll go right from mommy's house to his new wife, who'll continue to take care of him just like his mother did. Blech. Do you want a MAN or a man-child? You've wasted 8 years on this guy - are you prepared to waste any MORE of your child-bearing years on Mr. Arrested Development? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 OP, how is it that he is NOT financially stable working as an LPN? Does he work full time? I actually thought that nurses made "somewhat" decent money, ESPECIALLY since he mooches off his parents! And he could go back to school part time while he is working, lots of people do that everyday! And after graduation what will he say if he hasn't found a job in his field? "I'll marry you when I find a job honey!" I agree with the others that these are just excuses, plain and simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 LPN salary in my state is pretty decent. The guy should definitely be having an apartment of his own, with a 2000-2008 model year vehicle. This guy is living with his parents why again? Kick his ass to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
sniffys Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 hey guys! ive met like a bunch of men living w/ their parents (age less than 33) because 1) his work is not so far from his house, and he has no reason to get his own place because his parents dont mind him living at their house since he contributes or pays the bills mostly (for electricity, food, medicine) 2)theyd save up a lot if they just stay w/ the parents, especially if its a big house or has a big yard, or if he actually lives in a seperate house but within the lot 3)there are some cultures that are ok w/ this, but my white guy friend told me that there is no excuse for this (altho he left his home at age 30 due to being forced by his mom hehe) 4)if his work is at the same town/city/state or if he works in his parents company which is just a walking distance to their own home, it probably would not make much sense to get their own place even if they can afford it i ran out of things to add, but i think the only caveat to this is u wont have much privacy (if you fight, make love, etc) Link to post Share on other sites
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