Wife says she is done. Should I let go?

[jbl32]

I am in a serious dilemma and losing sleep and confidence due to our situation. I really need some advice from this wonderful community.

 

Here is some background:

 

 

• Married 11 years ago
  
• Two kids 8 (girl) and 5 (boy)
  
• Both of us make decent income ($200K+ income each)
  

 

Some more background

 

• 3 years ago, we decided that we would move back to our home country (we are both not originally from US). I quit my job in US but my wife decided to take a 2 months time-off so we could test the waters in our home country. I took on a senior level job in the other country and my wife and kids spent 2 months with me so we could see how things shape up in the other country.
  
• My wife decided that she really didn't want to live in the home country after all so she decided to come back with the kids to US. We mutually decided that I will move back in about 6 months when I can find another job back in US.
  
• During this time, my wife had help (from her parents) to help out with household activities.
  
• On a few occasions, she called me on phone asking me to come back to US because she needed help with the kids. I agreed to come back but told her that I cant do it instantly because I still needed to find a job in US (in hindsight this was a wrong move on my part - I should have come back immediately when she needed me).
  
• I did move back to US in about 4-5 months - and our relationship seemed fine at first but I did notice that something was off.
  
• After several months my wife started mentioning that she didnt think she had feelings for me anymore - that all her love had been replaced with this feeling of abandonment and she now felt that she didnt really need me in her life any more.
  

What happened since then?

 

• There have been 2 occasions where I have "caught" my wife having some sort of relationship with other men. In one case, she confessed this was an EA. In other case, she maintains that she has feelings for this other person - but nothing physical. Incidentally, both of these individuals are in very powerful position and happen to be her bosses or superiors.
  
• She is completely detached from me and we haven't had anything physical for the last 2.5 years.
  
• I still have feelings for her, but slowly I am losing hope because she is so cold towards me when it comes to love and affection.
  
• She is very good with kids - and does what it takes to make sure that they are getting the right parenting. (classes, activities, school work etc.).
  
• She is VERY good looking and I am sure there are guys at work or elsewhere who are making her feel that she would have lots of fun being single again.
  
• I recently convinced her to attend therapy - but she really didnt open up at all in the sessions and basically said that she was pretty much done with our relationship.
  

If there were no kids involved, I would have moved on by now given what I have gone through. However, I can't live with the thought of not waking up in the same house as our kids. I can't imaging not staying together as a beautiful family. Both me and wife have a very cordial relationship with each other - we do not fight, we even go to movies and dinners together. But only as good friends. She also agrees that it is important that I continue to play a large role in our kid's lives and she is open to joint physical custody.

 

What do I do? Should I continue to live like this and keep pushing her to try and make things work or should I let her go and move on? I am so scared to even think of living away from our family that tears come to my eyes everytime I even think of that scenario. However, I do realize that if she has already made up her mind, there is not much I can do - and in the end, it may be good for everyone to end our relationship. But I feel like I am about to lose something very big and that my kids do not deserve this - I dont know if she is being too naive or easy going about this - she basically thinks that we can be divorced but still continue to live together in the same house till the kids grow up. I just dont know what is the point of a divorce in that case - if we are still living together?

 

Can you please share some of your perspectives and insights - I just can't think straight any more and would appreciate some unbiased and objective opinions from this great community.

[AloneAndWaiting]

You change your goal to "not staying together for the kids" but staying together for "you" and for "us". The kids will be forever affected by your relationship and you owe them every opportunity to see a man and wife work through relationship issues in a peaceful and loving way. You are currently staying together so you "take" pleasure in being with them. Your role as a parent is to "give" and not "take" and the things that are most precious to give them cannot be purchased.

 

See a marriage counselor to help the process begin. Become humble. Learn to listen and be what someone else needs you to be. Forgive.

 

No, letting go is many steps past this point. You are just beginning.

Edited March 1, 2011 by AloneAndWaiting

[allenmj]

You change your goal to "not staying together for the kids" but staying together for "you" and for "us". The kids will be forever affected by your relationship and you owe them every opportunity to see a man and wife work through relationship issues in a peaceful and loving way. You are currently staying together so you "take" pleasure in being with them. Your role as a parent is to "give" and not "take" and the things that are most precious to give them cannot be purchased.

 

See a marriage counselor to help the process begin. Become humble. Learn to listen and be what someone else needs you to be. Forgive.

 

No, letting go is many steps past this point. You are just beginning.

 

This

 

Great advice here, I couldn't have said it better.

[dreamingoftigers]

In your case never, ever say die!

 

I would give Divorce Busters and talk to a coach ( no I am in no way affiliated with them or doing advertising etc.)

 

You still have a HUGE advantage in the fact that you have a friendly relationship and that you and she still live together.

 

She might say "it's all dead" etc. But she hasn't made any actions towards that has she? She us expecting something from you, typical female cryptic behaviors.

 

Trust me, I know all about female cryptic BS.

[Steadfast]

There's a big difference between a melancholy spouse and one who says they "don't think they have feelings", that "love had been replaced with abandonment" or that she "doesn't need you in her life anymore". In addition, saying publicly that she's done is the kiss of death. At least, on average. Usually, when a woman / wife reaches this verbal stage, it's at the end of a very long mental/emotional process. To her, it's old news.

 

I'm sorry. The mention of other men seals this deal.

 

At this point, the only chance you have of saving this relationship (not the marriage, IMO it's over) is to back away emotionally, refuse any dialog regarding the relationship, file for divorce and see her out. Yes, that's right, she moves away. The kids stay in the home, with you. Why does she get to call all the shots? See other men, tell you her 'feelings' have changed (after vowing faithfulness to you before God) then have the NERVE to tell you she's "open" to joint custody? Please, do me a favor, find her handbag and retrieve your testicles. You'll need them back 'cause she isn't going to like this.

 

From this point on, actions count for everything. Words are meaningless. Stand tall as a father and a man and do not roll over. Be someone. Live in strength, not fear.

[jbl32]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my post and for responding with your very insightful comments. I truly appreciate it - it finally feels that I have someone to talk to after 3 years of trying to deal with this myself. I do have some questions and points of clarifications. If I snoop around, I am sure I can find some "other man" who she is involved with in some way (either one way feelings or an EA or a PA). The question is what road would that lead to? If I find out there is another man, I am sure her response would be - sure, lets get a divorce. I dont know how that would take me down a path of rebuilding our relationship or keeping our family together.

 

On the other comment related to moving forward with a divorce and making her leave the house and kids - she will never agree to that. She has been pretty clear that she wants to be with the kids but is open to a joint custody if thats what i want. I can always fight for a full custody but I have also read that it is extremely hard for dads to win that battle. So - will I be digging myself a bigger hole by asking for something which will most definitely lead to a court battle which I would most likely lose?

 

While she hasn't moved forward with filing for the divorce, I do think she wants to do it - she has mentioned that several times and it seems to me at this point, she is of the "grass is greener.." mindset. Maybe she has some guilt about ruining this marriage that is holding her back. I certainly don't see anything in her eyes that would make me feel that she still has any feelings for me. It is pretty sad for me to be in this situation that someone who I dreamt of spending my whole life with suddenly has no feelings for me. But I am trying to deal with it.

 

So here is my gameplan :

 

1. Even though she has been pretty clear about wanting a divorce, I will still try the last resort. I will move to a LC mode and will try to focus on things or activities that make my kids or me happy.

 

2. I will be very cordial with her and continue to treat her with respect - will not show any emotions or feelings about our relationship or about our future.

 

3. This is something I need your advice on. Despite our relationship issues, she has mentioned several times that she wants to go on a vacation with kids. I want to do that as well - but would that contradict my LC strategy ? should I just ignore her vacation idea and just plan something separately with kids.

 

4. I will start being more assertive on things and be more respectful of my own decisions. Upon self reflection, I have come to the conclusion, that I ask for her permission on almost everything - instead I should just do those things without asking for permission (unless they involve the kids). She has always admired men who are in control - and I have been way too nice.

 

5. I have already moved to a different room in the house. Should I consider moving to a different house? This might give her more space and a taste of living separately but would this become a self-fulfilling prophecy - leading to an outcome (divorce) that I am trying to avoid.

 

 

Some of you might think that I am crazy for trying to stay with someone who has already "moved on" emotionally and who doesnt have any love or affection for me any more. I do miss not having anyone in the world who I can have an emotional or physical relationship with - but divorce seems like too big a price to pay for rebuilding an emotional or physical relationship with someone else. . I would appreciate any additional thoughts from you.

[Steadfast]

If I snoop around, I am sure I can find some "other man" who she is involved with in some way (either one way feelings or an EA or a PA). The question is what road would that lead to? If I find out there is another man, I am sure her response would be - sure, lets get a divorce. I dont know how that would take me down a path of rebuilding our relationship or keeping our family together.

 

Before making a cake, you must have the ingredients. Without all of them you won't have cake. If you just use what's on hand, it won't taste very good.

 

It's the same with marriage. The two most important ingredients are a man and woman who desire to be together. You 'desire' to save your relationship. Good. She apparently does not, and you're not going to coax her into it. In fact, the harder you try the more she'll resist. You see her as love, she sees you as a block to her true happiness; one that's trying to control what she does.

 

The only chance you have is to give her what she wants, or think she wants, then remove yourself from the equation. Then you do what you need to heal and move on. If she likes it that way then you are ahead on the healing process...there was nothing to save. If she discovers the grass isn't greener, that you aren't trying to control her and she misses you and your family together, you might have a chance of restoration.

 

These things have been learned from great experience and pain from the many who have faced it before you. It isn't pleasant and I am truly sorry. But you are in it, so make the best, wisest decisions for all involved.

 

On the other comment related to moving forward with a divorce and making her leave the house and kids - she will never agree to that.

But you must? Why? Why must you be the one to leave? You stated yourself that you don't want to lose your family, yet because she'll 'never agree' you're packing your bags? This is where fear meets reality.

 

Understand, I'm not placing myself in a position of authority here OP, just advising.

 

I'd tell her the exact thing you posted here; that the thought of losing her and your family is more than you wish to sacrifice. And while you can't stop her from doing whatever she wants, you can (and must) regain some control over the children you've had together.

 

Why, I ask again, must she automatically get it all, just the way she wants? You need to MAKE her see there will be a price for her decision. That you WILL have your family together. She isn't happy and wants more? There is the door.

 

State that you made a commitment to fatherhood and intend to honor it. Will she fight, threaten and otherwise raise holy hell? Probably, but you may be shocked. More than anything, for the first time she'll be forced into facing reality. She'll begin to realize that -perhaps- the grass isn't greener. And at the same time you are no pushover. Both are good.

 

It takes courage and resolve. Many men just leave because deep down they don't want the responsibility, all the while bitching and moaning how the ex screwed them over. This is a dark path and when they are grown, the children will see it. I don't want that, do you? Consider what she is really asking of you then decide if you wish to give it to her. Please do that.

 

Take strength. Be a man.

Edited March 3, 2011 by Steadfast

[jbl32]

@Steadfast, Thank you for your message! I have to say I read it atleast 8-10 times. For the first time after a long while, I feel good and more confident about my resolve to be in control. I do think this would be a tough journey and she will likely want out - but it is my kids that are my #1 priority. No one can take them from me. I will no longer let her control my emotions - I need to be much stronger.

 

Sometimes, I do feel that I should just move forward with the divorce because I have tried for the last 2-3 years with no real signs of her changing. It is my emotions and confusion that I need to control. I will give this another 12 months (unless, she files before that time - in which case, I will agree for nothing less than joint physical custody with me continuing to stay in the primary residence).

 

Thanks to all of those who have responded and please keep your comments coming - they are helping me become much stronger.

[Soxfaninfl]

If you want joint custody, go for 50/50 visitation. I have my son every other week(Monday to Monday). Don't move out of your house. She is the one that wants the divorce. That was the mistake I made. My stbx wanted the divorce, and I move out. I tried separation to see if that would help but it didn't. When she moves out and she will start to miss her home and want to come back. If she really wants the divorce then she will move out. If not, she won't leave.

[jstobo]

jbl - I am in the exact same situation right now. Last Nov. I found out my Wife was texting another man and when I confronted her with it, she said she was no longer in love with me. I went thru everything you have written. 10 year marriage with two kids. I couldn't stand the thought of divorce. I changed everything. Did more things around the house, complimented her more, lost 25 pounds, did more with the kids etc. etc. At first it was working; we got along great and had unbelievable sex. Reality eventually tool hold and my anger regarding the other man came into play. Bottom line, she was no longer in love with me. We had a MAJOR blow up 9 days ago and told her she needed to get the ef out. She did the same as your Wife and wouldn't go. I pressed the issue so much, her parents stepped in and she is moving out this weekend.

 

OK, so back to the last week. I finally accepted there was NOTHING I could do to save this marriage. The changes didn't work and ultimately the crying and begging really wasn't going to work. My conversations changed from working things out to working with the kids, finances, holidays, etc. etc. I have given every indication that I am OK with divorcing and happy about it. Total game face. I also have allowed myself to meet and talk with other women. There is one I'm kind of liking, but she has a boyfriend. But it has taken my mind off my failed marriage and it has been fun.

 

Is there something in the back of my mind that hopes my Wife says, I like the new you and this is the person I have been wanting? Sure, but I not banking on it. In the meantime, I LIKE THE NEW ME. I like that women are flirting with me. I see that some fun can be in my future. Let me tell you, FUN is not going to bed every night with someone who has no desire to touch you.

 

So let go. Be nice. Be strong. Move on. It will NEVER be too late if she changes her mind, but the decision will be yours if you want her back.

[jbl32]

Agreed. She has cheated more than once and is a heartless woman. Divorce her.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she has cheated. and trust me - it is a very painful feeling to think about that scenario. Everytime she comes home late from work or travels out of town or goes out of the way to look really hot for her work meetings, those thoughts do cross my mind - infact those thoughts are on my mind pretty much all the time. However, doesn't it come down to two options -

 

1. I divorce her or

2. I stop worrying about her - and focus on myself and my kids.

 

There is no middle ground. Begging or trying to work on our marriage is not going to work - especially when she has no intention or desire to make it work.

 

I just don't have the courage to move forward with a divorce. Even though it would be such a great feeling to have someone else in my life who cares about me - who waits for me when I come home with open arms - who says I love you - who holds my hand and hugs me when I am feeling down - who makes me feel special and loved. It would be so good to be with someone who loves me. But I think that would come at a large cost - the happiness of my kids. At the end of the day, if my kids are sleeping with this feeling of comfort that both their Mommy and Daddy are around - and are there for them - I think it is worth it.

 

I do need to focus on me - and do things that make me a better person. But I feel I owe it to my kids to give it one more shot.

 

 

BTW, she is Vegas for this weekend with her girl friends. and the interesting thing is - for the first time, I am really not that concerned or interested in that. I haven't called her to see how the trip is going - I am just enjoying the weekend alone with my kids. All I need is some strength - this board is helping me so much, I can't even describe it. Thank you for all those who have commented so far!

 

Sorry about these ramblings - I have too many emotions to write a structured, well thought out post about what I am going through.

[Duckduckgoose]

Just keep posting what is going on, whether you think it's rambles or not. People here will help you every step of the way, and please believe no matter what happens its going to be a rough ride!

[jbl32]

BTW, I have this strong hunch that when she is back from Vegas, she would bring up the divorce topic again. Here is how I plan to respond - if she brings up this topic:

 

If you have made up your mind, I would support your decision. But, I have a commitment to my kids - and I have no intention of moving away from them or from this house. You have the option of staying in this house or moving out (I will consider a 50/50 joint custody). If you still want to move forward with the divorce, I would like to have the agreement that i will keep the kids if in future you decide to move out of town or somewhere else due to other "priorities".

 

Is the last point reasonable to ask - and is it possible to legally bind her into that kind of an agreement - that if she moves, I keep full custody? Any other thoughts or feedback?

[Craig2425]

I'm in the same situation. I know what you mean that you want to give it one more shot for the kids.

My stbx wife went to the river with the og. That was the last straw for me. I know that I tried and was willing to do whatever to give it a chance and I can feel good about that for me and my daughter.

I have a feeling in a bit this rebound fling will be over and she will change her mind but it's too late now. I already knew about this guy and she flat out would rather go away for the weekend with him.

 

My kid is only 3 so the thing that hurts is she asks all the time for her mommy and daddy together.

 

I'm not over it and still very hurt but what can you do? I'm sorry you're going thru this but glad to see that I'm not the only one. I felt like I was going crazy but reading here has helped some.

[jstobo]

jbl, I have to give you an update that goes with my first post to you. First of all, your response to her wanting a divorce is perfect. Support it 100%, but she has to make the sacrifices, not you. She moves, gets the kids half the time etc. etc. Be strong. Stick to that.

 

Now my update. I met at a girl at a sporting event over a week ago. A little flirting, but no number exchange. No harm, no foul. My friend saw her again at the next game and got her number for me. I contacted her and set up a date. Well my friend told his Wife about it and of course she told my stbx (who has told me the marriage is over, she is no longer in love with me and isn't attracted to me). Well guess who has been crying all morning at the news of my pending date.

 

I'm not trying to be vindictive or anything, but it has certainly caused her to think. I'm telling you. "Act" like you have moved on and you support her divorce or separation decision. Go out and meet some people, but don't get involved with anyone. The confidence and strength it will give you does wonders. Here is the most important thing. Make sure verbally, that she knows you are ready to jump back in with both feet if she has a change in opinion. You don't want her telling her friends and family that YOU gave up. She needs to hear regularly that YOU DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. But she also needs to think its OK if that is the end result. Perception becomes reality. She needs the reality of YOU NO LONGER BEING IN LOVE WITH HER!!

[Woggle]

Why do walkaway wives do that? If they are really done then why do they care who you date?

[jstobo]

Why do walkaway wives do that? If they are really done then why do they care who you date?

 

Exactly!! Any walk away wives want to comment?

[dreamingoftigers]

Beats me.... But I can never figure out why a spouse just ditches a family.

[What_Next]

jstobo, your wives reaction is quite normal given the circumstances actually. The going out and meeting people is a good thing as far as I'm concerned, but you mentioned not getting involved with anyone and making it clear to your wife of your intentions. Both are very wise points. I wish I had the brains to have done that. Getting involved with someone after my wifes affair is something I am ashamed of and it has caused us both a lot of pain.

[jstobo]

jstobo, your wives reaction is quite normal given the circumstances actually. The going out and meeting people is a good thing as far as I'm concerned, but you mentioned not getting involved with anyone and making it clear to your wife of your intentions. Both are very wise points. I wish I had the brains to have done that. Getting involved with someone after my wifes affair is something I am ashamed of and it has caused us both a lot of pain.

 

I do believe her emotions are normal. I now just need to take some time to figure out if she is changing her mind about the divorce or just feeling the normal pain of me moving on. Aren't marriages easy?

 

JBL, I'm telling you though, this "method" is working much better than begging and pleading. She said things this weekend like "maybe the separation is just what we need to work things out" and "you have been really nice to me" and "let's just start today with doing our best with each other." She's like a different person.

 

Give us an update.

[worldgonewrong]

Is there something in the back of my mind that hopes my Wife says, I like the new you and this is the person I have been wanting? Sure, but I not banking on it. In the meantime, I LIKE THE NEW ME. I like that women are flirting with me. I see that some fun can be in my future. Let me tell you, FUN is not going to bed every night with someone who has no desire to touch you.

 

BINGO! This is my philosophy, too.

[PollyIvy]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. From reading your posts, I would say that as things stand, the marriage is over. I totally understand your feelings about keeping the family together, and I admire that you seem to be holding it together.

I agree that you should shake the tree and see what happens. But you also need to start confronting your fears about your marriage breaking up...

[Woggle]

Exactly!! Any walk away wives want to comment?

 

I am obviously not a walkaway wife but it goes against the typical sterotype of a woman proclaiming her independence and riding triumphantly into her new independent life while her pathetic ex is heartbroken and depressed. If she sees that she is easily replaced it crushes her ego and lets her know that maybe she is not as hot as she thinks she is.

[jbl32]

Thank you everyone for giving me courage to be bold and focus on my priorities (myself and my kids). Since it has been a while since my last post, I thought I owe an update to all of you.

 

Things are not that different than they were few months ago. My wife is no longer talking about Divorce but she is also not showing any signs of trying to make things work.

 

We both continue to have very cordial relationship - we talk about work etc (mostly she talks about work and asks for my advice etc- I just go along with the conversations but do not try to initiate too many conversations on my own.).With both of us working/ traveling couple of days a week, most of our conversations are around kids schedules, coordination etc.

 

Whenever I see other couples laughing with each other or holding their hands or doing activities together - I miss our own relationship so much. But I know it is pointless to talk to her about any of that - so I just keep going with the flow.

 

I do think I need to take a bigger 360 because she seems to be in a comfort zone with how things are going right now. I do have few questions around 360 that I am hoping you can help with:

 

1. She seeks my advice for a lot of her work related issues. She even asks me to work on documents or powerpoints sometimes. So far, I have been helping her with anything that she wants. However, would a true 360 in this case be that I refuse to help her with these activities?

 

2. She wants to go on a vacation with family in June. In the past I used to be very active in planning for our vacations. However, this time I have been pretty passive. My question is - should I even go for a vacation with her - or a true 360 be that I just do something separately with kids and she does her own thing?

 

3 I can possibly do more to enjoy my own life (e.g. weekend get together with friends etc.). However I feel that she will get even more upset that I am not helping with any of the home responsibilities. Would that really be a 360 or would that alienate her more from me. Spending less time with her and family seems a bit counter intuitive to me - especially when that comes at a risk of more friction between us.

 

Any thoughts on these points would be helpful. Hope everyone else is having a better time than I am - I feel so lonely and confused sometimes that I just dont see any light at the end of tunnel.

[djaya4u]

jbl32,

 

I want you to know you are not alone. My current situation is VERY similar. Obviously, there are some differences, but I feel for you.

 

Have there been any new developments?

 

DJZ