Year and a half later, don't want defacto friendship

[SpaceCase]

My ex and I dated for a little over 2 years. We lived together for one. We were madly in love for the first year, and settled into the relationship in the second. We rarely argued, but I felt her drawing away. I would ask about it, and she said she just felt disconnected from her body. I was patient and kind throughout this, but it hurt me that she was witholding physically, citing first medical concerns and then psychological ones, saying she couldn't get out of her head. On a Wednesday, she wanted to look at baby clothes and asked me if I would still love her when she was pregnant, to which I said of course. I was very excited about our relationship progression and knew she was the one for me.

 

The following monday she came home from therapy, and said she needed space. I said I would go out more, and had just refinished the room that our roommate was moving out of to make her quiet space/office, and she could look forward to having her own space to relax and be quiet in. She said she needed more space than she could get in the relationship. I moved out that weekend with no arguments, just wanting her to be happy and get the space she obviously needed.

 

I left everything in the house, continued to pay for bills, insurance, internet, etc., didn't bother her and let her live her life in the hopes that she would find the 'balance' that she said she hoped to find in our last night together. I never got a reason. She never tried to find the 'balance'. I never got an apology.

 

2 months later she was sleeping with someone else. I continued to give her that space and time and was ever-kind, but unwilling to settle for friendship. that if she ever found herself in a place where she wanted to re-explore sharing time with me to see how that felt, that I was open to it, but I wouldn't be a friend by default.

 

Fast forward a year later... after several texts and emails of no consequence at all (and my not responding), she had emailed me saying she'd like to say hi and catch up. I told her I would be open to sharing space with her to see how things felt, but not if the friendship script was the only one available. She told me she wasn't interested in anything more than friendship, and told me how in love and interwined she is in her new relationship, and that her new relationship wasn't up for reconsideration. It felt like an arrogant stance on her part to assume that I would be so willing to want a romantic relationship with her, and like a very angry offensive/defensive place to be coming from, especially since I'd done nothing to provoke communication.

 

I told her I still stand in the same place, and that now, after focusing on myself for a year and a half, I realize that the only way it's worth my re-routing energy into a new relationship with her, is if she could walk in with no expectations or pre-determinations. That if it felt like friendship, great, if it felt like nothing, fine, and if it felt like a spark, good. The possibility of something wonderful had to outweigh the weight of the work I'd done to get over her. I had no expectations other than being open and warm and acting from a place of kindness, and that at this point, I didn't care if we spoke again because she hadn't done anything to let me know that she sees much value in me, and I was angry she continued to breach the space knowing that I am unwilling to settle for something that will make her feel better about dumping me with no explanations or accountability for what the heck happened! Bottom line, I've done so much growing, learning, be-ing, that I feel really good about myself and while I'd love to share some of that with her, she doesn't deserve it if all she can offer me is some hallmark friendship to be able to say the air is clear.

 

 

Her family adores me (though I've cut ties for her comfort). Her best friends still want to see me very regularly, and the only thing they've said is that she has intimacy issues and they're sorry. That she's said I was everything she always wanted, and now she doesn't want that any more. To my favor, I've said nothing bad about her current relationship, or her as a person, and even in my email response to her reiterated that if she is happy, I am happy for her. But that I can be happy for her from a distance.

 

Is it wrong to be unwilling to settle for a defacto friendship? Can you be in a rebound relationship that lasts after never dealing with the severance of your 2 year relationship? I've forgiven her, but I suppose that I hope eventually (I'm 35, she is 37), she looks back and realizes that she pushed away someone whose greatest crime was loving her too much. Is that crazy?

 

Do I hold my ground on being open to the limitless if/when she's ever in that place, but until then stay NC?

Edited February 28, 2011 by SpaceCase

[GreenPolicy]

OP you are not wrong for not wanting a friendship with her, and she is very selfish and inconsiderate for not respecting your wishes and space. You respected her decision to end the relationship. She is not respecting your need for space. It appears obvious that even a year and a half later, although you have healed a great deal from the b/u and gotten yourself back, that you still have feelings for her. And you can't have a friendship with somebody that you have those kinds of feelings for. I don't believe that you can really be friends with an ex like Jerry and Elaine. I think under certain circumstances you can be friendly, but you can't be friends.

 

And you are right, this is all about her and her desire to feel better about herself for being a walk-away spouse. Her desire to have a friendship is not coming from a place of respect and love. She disposed of you like a piece of garbage days after leading to you to believe that all was well and you had a long future together (looking at the baby clothes, etc). Then she chose to avoid dealing with it by getting involved with somebody else pretty quickly (2 mos). I guess that is now catching up to her and she wants to make it right in her own f*cked up way by reaching out to you for a "friendship." This "friendship" in practice would be one-sided. That's not what she really wants. She just wants to know you're "okay" so she can relieve her guilt for how she dumped you. I wonder how the boyfriend would feel knowing that she is contacting a pretty significant ex from her past. Wouldn't make me feel too good. She doesn't sound all that attractive now, does she?

 

Based on your description, towards the end you were the giver and she was the taker in the relationship. I believe the healthiest relationships have as close to a 50/50 balance as possible when it comes to the giver/taker roles, and it sounds like at the end that balance was way of out whack in yours. One lesson for the future is to NEVER give more than you are getting. It sounds like she ended the relationship with a push-pull maneuver.

 

That said, I can understand how you still have feelings and emotions for her. Your ex sounds A LOT like mine. Just by way of background, we were together for a year. Agreed to get married. She told her parents I was The One. Introduced me to her biological father, the only guy she ever did that with. Six weeks before she dumped me she was emailing me suggestions for wedding venues. A month before she's telling me that her parents want to meet mine and we need to arrange a dinner so the future in-laws can meet. Two weeks before the b/u we go to a jewelry convention to look at bands. Five days before she dumped me she made a comment in an email about what kind of engagement ring she wanted. Your ex said you were all she ever wanted. When my ex broke up with me, her reasons were wishy-washy vague stuff that made no sense, but one thing I'll never forget is her saying "You're everything I've ever wanted in a man, but I can't get married." That was four and a half months ago, and apart from a brief exchange of property in January in which only pleasantries were exchanged in person, I haven't heard from her since. I too have been told by most people I told my story to that she obviously has severe intimacy and commitment issues. I just hope she's never inconsiderate enough to pop back in my life to tell me she's madly in love with somebody else. She's been cruel enough. It's bad enough to know that I have either been replaced, I'm in the process of being replaced, or I will be replaced sooner or later. I don't want my nose rubbed in it.

[SpaceCase]

I do still have feelings, but not in a "i wanna get back together" way. It's in a hey, I value you enough that if you value me enough, we can sit down with no expectations and see how that feels... and if now isn't the time (and if the time is never), then I still wish you all the best and will hope in faith that if our paths are supposed to cross again, they will.

 

Just feels like she's done everything possible to keep pushing me away, as if I've been breaching her boundaries when I haven't.

 

I'm sorry about your ex. That *really* blows. It's been a year since my ex and I actually spent any face time together. This last reachout, I asked if we could talk on the phone so I could explain to her where I was at, and she made me put it into an email. Just one more 'shove' as if I'm the one who is supposed to be working for a friendship ... and the gushing about her relationship was just unneccessary. I have never threatened her relationship, and have instead just continued to work on me one day at a time.

 

Keep taking the high road. That's what I've been doing. I feel like I'm a much better person that way - to never give her the opportunity to look back and say "wow, what a jerk". Even in our last communication, I told her that I would continue to hold a warm space for her IF she ever wanted to spend the time seeing if we could re-connect on a human level - and that I didn't want to continue conversing right now cause it was obvious that she wasn't in a place to meet me where I requested I be met, and I didn't want to contribute to mucking up what little we had left.

 

I hope that your ex looks back one day and regrets the damage that she caused to a nice guy for no good reason.

[GreenPolicy]

and the gushing about her relationship was just unneccessary. I have never threatened her relationship, and have instead just continued to work on me one day at a time.

 

That's totally uncalled for and there's no excuse for that. She keeps behaving in a way that demonstrates just how unworthy she is of your love, and yet...the emotions are still there. I have a hard time accepting my ex for the sum total of her actions. She is not just the wonderful girl that gave me the best year of my life. She is also the person who walked away from me in a cruel and heartless way.

 

 

 

 

Keep taking the high road. That's what I've been doing. I feel like I'm a much better person that way - to never give her the opportunity to look back and say "wow, what a jerk".

 

That has been my strategy. Considering how blindsided I was, I was left in a state of extreme bewilderment and confusion. The only thing I did post breakup: I sent her flowers a week later, and then after she changed her status on facebook to single, I defriended her and mailed her a letter. The letter basically said I respected her decision if she felt that was best for her, but that I thought what we had was worth saving and I wanted to try couples counseling. And if that wasn't something she wanted to do, then we'd have to part ways and couldn't stay friends. I had my therapist and several friends look it over first to make sure that I didn't come across as desperate, pathetic, begging, whiny, needy, etc.

 

When she came to get her bike, the last thing I said to her was "I just want to say: Take care of yourself, I wish you well, I will always care about you, and thank you for letting me be a part of your life." Like you, as much as it hurt, I felt like I had no choice but to take the high road and not do anything to relieve any guilt she might be feeling. I figured if I got hateful or hostile, or if I did the begging/pleading/groveling routine, she'd be repulsed and it would confirm to her she made the right call. When somebody hurts us like that, we want to see them in the same kind of pain we are in, and sometimes we want to be the ones to inflict it. But you can't do that. You have to let them go and let them face their own music. It stings so bad knowing that she is blocking it all out and probably hasn't had more than two thoughts about me since she walked out of my place...and because of how she blindsided me, she set me up for a painful obsession. I've been doing everything right (strict NC, don't look at her fb, go to the gym regularly, go to therapy, go to Al-Anon meetings, reconnecting with friends/family, got a volunteer gig at an animal shelter, etc) and I still think of her relentlessly. I'm four and a half months in. When will the obsessing stop?

 

 

 

 

I hope that your ex looks back one day and regrets the damage that she caused to a nice guy for no good reason.

 

My ego wants that validation, but my hope is that one day I will get over her and be indifferent.

[SpaceCase]

I wish that I could tell you I was living proof that time heals the obsessing, but unfortunately, a year and a half later, she still crosses my mind. I just try to tell myself that she's a good person, worthy of love, her current is a good person, worthy of love, and that I am a good person, worthy of love. I release her every time she crosses my mind, and I just think that the Universe knows better than I do, and I will continue to learn how to be a better person, which is a win win for me.

 

I don't want her to hurt. Not at all. I hoped that by giving her space, she would miss me... unfortunately she had already started a new relationship, and I doubt she thinks of me other than when she has the two seconds that she shoots me an email. At least I think I've stopped that with my last email to her.

 

I hope that one day she can see that we were worth more, and that we are both clear and free from the past and can start a new relationship -- whatever that's supposed to look like. I'm just unwilling to do it if she wants me to walk in and accept a crumb. It's like my grandfather said, she wants me to give her a pound of flour and be thankful for a biscuit -- and that's just not fair.

 

UGH.... yeah. Just keep releasing the pain and releasing yourself... and in time, if it's supposed to, their past will catch up to them and they'll have no choice but to figure out why they'd throw away a good person.

 

Thanks for the validation that I'm not being a jerk by being unwilling to settle on her terms.

[GreenPolicy]

Have you tried dating anybody else? It sounds to me like on some level you are clinging to false hope or waiting out her current relationship. And based on how she's treated you, I am wondering why you would want her back. You shouldn't have to endure what she's put you through for love. I think enough time has passed that you should be willing to brave the dating scene again.

 

I realize my problem is that emotionally I still see her as the person she was when we were together, when I need to hold her accountable for how she left me. My ex appears to be a commitment-phobe with intimacy issues. I tell myself that I wanted this person for the next 40+ years of my life and she could barely give me one. And that maybe she could have stuck it out for another week, another month, another year, maybe she could have made it down the aisle to the altar with me, but she could never have given me the long-term bond that I wanted. Even in the unlikely event that she calls me up tomorrow and says sorry/I want to try again, I feel like I would be walking on eggshells waiting for her to bail again. I'd never feel confident about the relationship or its future. And from what I've read about second chances, a lot of dumpees don't anticipate the resentment that they bring along with them when they get back together.

 

and in time, if it's supposed to, their past will catch up to them and they'll have no choice but to figure out why they'd throw away a good person.

 

I thought about this a lot, about wanting my ex to own up to what she did and how she hurt me. And then I realized that there is a very good chance that she just doesn't have the requisite empathy to do that...and even if she does one day go through that epiphany and regret it, I probably won't be around to witness it, and she still probably won't let me know how she feels. We have to get validation from ourselves and not wait around for it to come from our exes.

 

I know that feeling, you have this wonderful relationship with this person who responds to and initiates future plans, you have absolutely no reason to believe you're not on the same page, and then without warning, you experience the relationship equivalent of the Titanic striking the iceberg. This person one day was your best friend and lover, the most important person in your life outside of your parents. And then the next day you don't exist to them, without much of an explanation as to why they don't want you in their life anymore. To be shunned like that by somebody you loved and cared about with every part of your soul is beyond devastating. It is so insanely hurtful and cuts to the core. It's not like a normal relationship that deteriorates and then ends.

 

Thanks for the validation that I'm not being a jerk by being unwilling to settle on her terms.

 

Somebody is definitely being a jerk here, but it's not you.

[SpaceCase]

I haven't dated anyone else. I want to be sure that if I put myself into a situation where someone is depending on my commitment that I be whole and capable of living up to my 100%. I feel much better than I did a year ago, and even a month ago, but still - I know that I need to spend this time focusing on myself so that I am solid and no one, myself included, gets hurt because I'm not in a position where I should be.

 

Would I want her back? I don't know.

 

What I do know is that I am not opposed to spending some intentional time with her IF that is something that she wants to do, WHEN she is in the space to be able to show up at 100% and be open and warm and unassuming. I have no clue if we'd be able to be friends, much less romantic partners... but I'm unwilling to spend the time and energy to find it out, if it's already been decided out of convenience.

 

I hope that makes sense.

 

And yes - Titanic for sure. It took me a few weeks and I found myself yelling "what the F*$K happened?!!!"

No arguing, no infidelity, no lack of support on any level... just... boom. Invisible, broken, and no accountability on their part. I think that I've learned a lot from this experience... and I know that it is without a doubt, the cruelest thing you can do to someone, to not give them at least an explanation (much less a conversation for the opportunity to get whatever it is you don't think you're getting) and to walk away while flicking a match.

 

I hate to say this, but I'm glad someone else is out there goin thru the same thing.

[GreenPolicy]

I haven't dated anyone else. I want to be sure that if I put myself into a situation where someone is depending on my commitment that I be whole and capable of living up to my 100%. I feel much better than I did a year ago, and even a month ago, but still - I know that I need to spend this time focusing on myself so that I am solid and no one, myself included, gets hurt because I'm not in a position where I should be.

 

Well I'm at four and a half months in. I got a profile on OKCupid and went on some dates. The good news? Even in a state where I am still emotionally f*cked up and not my old self, I still *got it* so to speak. Every woman I went on a date with wanted to see me again. Two women I even got a third date with. The bad news? In every case, I realized that my heart wasn't in it and that I just can't make a romantic connection like I want while I'm still going through grief. I'm glad I went on those dates and put my toes in the water to see where I'm at, but I'm not there yet. And by "there yet," I mean the kind of optimistic demeanor ready to open my heart up to somebody when I met my ex. I found myself comparing my dates to my ex and looking for my ex in them.

 

My resolution is that I *do* want that in my life again, but I refuse to give myself false hope in that one day it can be with my ex. I feel like I have lost so much because of this relationship - not just having her in my life on a daily basis. I believed in her and our future so much. It felt so right, it seemed so right, and it turned out so wrong. What was lacking in my judgment to not see her for who she really was? The confidence I've lost is not just in myself and my sense of self-worth, but in my ability to read people, trust people, accurately size up the lay of the land, so to speak. These kinds of breakups are the biggest sorts of mindf*cks you'll ever experience. It makes you question everything you ever knew to be true.

 

And yes - Titanic for sure. It took me a few weeks and I found myself yelling "what the F*$K happened?!!!"

No arguing, no infidelity, no lack of support on any level... just... boom. Invisible, broken, and no accountability on their part. I think that I've learned a lot from this experience... and I know that it is without a doubt, the cruelest thing you can do to someone, to not give them at least an explanation (much less a conversation for the opportunity to get whatever it is you don't think you're getting) and to walk away while flicking a match.

 

Yep, my ex never came to me with problems or things she didn't like. The last month we were together, she said a few things that were...weird. The kind of things that sort of made me cock my head like a dog and say "Huh?" But they honestly seemed like ordinary relationship issues. Never in a million years do I think I could have anticipated what was coming.

[SpaceCase]

I'm glad you went out on some dates. I had a crazy influx of interested women over the summer and into the fall, but I was very clear from the get-go that I wasn't interested in a romantic or sexual relationship. It ended up with some hurt feelings (minor), but most of them are now friends and that feels good.

 

I know I'm a catch. But I, like you, have been left with the burden of clean up for something that I don't understand... While it's definitely left me a stronger person, I lost many things...

Notably, my sense of intuition and in trusting my "true north" as I call it. I know I wasn't crazy to imagine that we were both in a committed relationship and it's nice that her friends and family were just as confused as I was, but still - I trusted in someone and in something that in the end was somehow wrong... and I've always been right when following my gut. This time I've spent is purely to re-calibrate my needle, if you will.

 

Moving forward, I will be much more cautious and have many more questions, I guess.

[GreenPolicy]

I'm glad you went out on some dates. I had a crazy influx of interested women over the summer and into the fall, but I was very clear from the get-go that I wasn't interested in a romantic or sexual relationship. It ended up with some hurt feelings (minor), but most of them are now friends and that feels good.

 

I know I'm a catch. But I, like you, have been left with the burden of clean up for something that I don't understand... While it's definitely left me a stronger person, I lost many things...

Notably, my sense of intuition and in trusting my "true north" as I call it. I know I wasn't crazy to imagine that we were both in a committed relationship and it's nice that her friends and family were just as confused as I was, but still - I trusted in someone and in something that in the end was somehow wrong... and I've always been right when following my gut. This time I've spent is purely to re-calibrate my needle, if you will.

 

Moving forward, I will be much more cautious and have many more questions, I guess.

 

I too know I'm a catch and have a lot to offer somebody else. We wouldn't have gotten as serious as we did if I wasn't. She wasn't lying when she told me I was the best guy she'd ever had.

 

That's one thing I've struggled with, a feeling of losing more than a relationship. In some ways I feel like I've lost my grip on reality. I had a lot of questions and it made me doubt just how "real" everything was. Did she really love me? Well I know she did, I got the ball further down the field with her than any guy she ever dated. Was she sincere about the marriage stuff? I believe at the time she was.

 

I just know I have to let go because I'm never going to be able to fill in the missing blank:

 

A) Boy meets girl

B) Boy and girl fall in love

C) Boy and girl plan a future together

D) .....

E) Girl dumps boy in a cruel and heartless way.

 

How do you deal with those feelings of unfairness? Knowing that she left a trail of destruction in her wake that I had no choice but to deal with? And I am glad too in a perverse way that somebody has experienced this same kind of relationship and knows where I'm coming from. My friends don't understand why this was so devastating to me. They think it's a breakup I should be able to shrug off easily.

[SpaceCase]

I try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason. That there is some lesson in this.

As far as being unfair... it is cruel and unfair. No doubt. But, you can't make the other person see that. It makes them feel bad. So they avoid it.

 

It's so different from a relationship where you've done something that you can own and you understand how/why it contributed to the break of your relationship. It's different from being cheated on. It's different than any break I've ever experienced... it's just a total rejection for being too good, too stable. It's hard because I never even had the chance to correct or talk through whatever it was that was bothering her. I wasn't worth a conversation. That's what it boils down to. WHen you realize that you weren't even worth a conversation, after giving 100% to someone and being willing to talk through/work through Anything for them.

 

She will never have Any idea of the damage that she caused. And all I really wanted - was an apology. An explanation. Hell, at least give me something to improve on?! But no, it was easier to just be 'done' and walk away and into a new relationship. And to then assume that I was going to meet with her and challenge her relationship. Please. The last thing I wanted was more of This!

[bl22]

My resolution is that I *do* want that in my life again, but I refuse to give myself false hope in that one day it can be with my ex. I feel like I have lost so much because of this relationship - not just having her in my life on a daily basis. I believed in her and our future so much. It felt so right, it seemed so right, and it turned out so wrong. What was lacking in my judgment to not see her for who she really was? The confidence I've lost is not just in myself and my sense of self-worth, but in my ability to read people, trust people, accurately size up the lay of the land, so to speak. These kinds of breakups are the biggest sorts of mindf*cks you'll ever experience. It makes you question everything you ever knew to be true.

 

 

 

 

This is how im feeling right now

[SpaceCase]

This is how im feeling right now

 

 

Sorry, bl22. We know this feeling all too well, unfortunately. It's a violation of trust, and takes its toll on our ability to confidently move toward intimacy because of it.

[Kic]

I admire your restraint. However, I'm going to echo what GP said earlier (I thought it before I even read what GP said).

 

It seems as though you're taking a longer-than-average time to start dating new people. I don't want to claim that you're "holding your breath" as you indicate that you're quite ready to never hear from her again, but I also get the sense that you want to be in a position of strength in case she does want you back. By that, I mean you may want to be able to say that you haven't been on crappy dates, slept with a lot of other women, etc. - i.e. you've behaved.

 

You mentioned earlier that you've put some interested women into the friend-zone. Maybe they're on the back-burner, or maybe you have zero-interest in all of them, but after 1.5 years I think you should consider meeting new, date-worthy ladies. It really is the best way to cope and move on. You don't need to be 100% "solid" - and there are pills for that

[GreenPolicy]

Sorry, bl22. We know this feeling all too well, unfortunately. It's a violation of trust, and takes its toll on our ability to confidently move toward intimacy because of it.

 

Spacecase, how have you dealt with the feelings of betrayal? I don't think my ex lined up a replacement but I'll never know for sure. In any event, what I do know is that nearly five months after the b/u, I have either been replaced, I'm in the process of being replaced, or I will be replaced sooner or later. She will not come back to me. And when I think back to our relationship, I wish I could tell her "You may find somebody who makes more money, drives a flashier car, has a fuller head of hair, but you will not find somebody who loves you more or treats you better. If you're lucky, you'll find somebody who loves you as much as I did and treats you as well, but you won't find something better. So you're giving up an awful lot on the off-chance of one day making at best a lateral move."

[SpaceCase]

Kic: I appreciate your input. It's not about a perceived 'good behavior' or to be in a position of strength for an interaction with her, it is because I have no interest in dating anyone. For now, the weight of the feelings that I've been sorting through, outweigh the possible joy from dating someone. I think for some folks that takes a few weeks, and for others, a few years. With all the fun I had after this breakup, I'm just not ready to get back into it yet. I think that when I'm ready, I'll know. The women I've met have all been very nice, but up until this point, I've been interested in just being able to trust women on a fundamental level, and it's been an important part of my healing to be able to connect on an intentional level without the blurring of romance or sex. I don't know if GP agrees with me or not on this, but I am like a wounded animal if my boundaries get pushed on, and I'm a little afraid that I will snap and take it out on one of them if I attempt to 'push on' before my time.

 

Green Policy: I just tell myself that she made her decision, and the universe surely knows more than I do about what needs to happen. This is all part of a bigger plan that I will never understand. A lateral move is a good way to think of it. It's kind of like Tyler Perry's 80/20 rule. I feel good knowing that I gave 100% to the relationship and I have very few regrets. I try to tell myself that I can't blame her for not being developed enough to appreciate something good, and that one day she will, and I hope that after all is said and done, we're both just happy. They say anger is like a hot coal and you will burn yourself before you ever get to throw it, so may as well let it go and try to smile through it.

[GreenPolicy]

Kic: I appreciate your input. It's not about a perceived 'good behavior' or to be in a position of strength for an interaction with her, it is because I have no interest in dating anyone. For now, the weight of the feelings that I've been sorting through, outweigh the possible joy from dating someone. I think for some folks that takes a few weeks, and for others, a few years. With all the fun I had after this breakup, I'm just not ready to get back into it yet. I think that when I'm ready, I'll know. The women I've met have all been very nice, but up until this point, I've been interested in just being able to trust women on a fundamental level, and it's been an important part of my healing to be able to connect on an intentional level without the blurring of romance or sex. I don't know if GP agrees with me or not on this, but I am like a wounded animal if my boundaries get pushed on, and I'm a little afraid that I will snap and take it out on one of them if I attempt to 'push on' before my time.

 

Green Policy: I just tell myself that she made her decision, and the universe surely knows more than I do about what needs to happen. This is all part of a bigger plan that I will never understand. A lateral move is a good way to think of it. It's kind of like Tyler Perry's 80/20 rule. I feel good knowing that I gave 100% to the relationship and I have very few regrets. I try to tell myself that I can't blame her for not being developed enough to appreciate something good, and that one day she will, and I hope that after all is said and done, we're both just happy. They say anger is like a hot coal and you will burn yourself before you ever get to throw it, so may as well let it go and try to smile through it.

 

Spacecase, you almost seem TOO Zen about the whole thing. I admire your desire to take the high road and maintain your dignity. It's something that I strive for. And if a person chooses to think of it in terms of revenge, being the bigger person and doing nothing to relieve their guilt and conscience for dumping you is much better than the short-term reward of being spiteful or hateful towards your ex. Typical dumpee mistakes lead to an easing of a guilty conscience for the dumper. If nothing else, your ex can't look back and feel good about what she did to you.

 

I remember one of my friends immediately after the b/u said to me "I think you're being TOO mature about this. You need to get angry." And in time I reached that anger stage. Now I didn't key her car or turn her into the IRS or anything like that, but I feel like a certain amount of anger is justified and absolutely integral to the grieving process. I think it's an emotion you process as you grieve. You absolutely do not want to get stuck there, I agree. But do you think you might have repressed some anger? You and I have both endured the walk-away spouse. That's the most difficult kind of breakup to go through. And your ex has returned to offer you breadcrumbs and gush about her new r/l. You should take umbrage at that.

[SpaceCase]

I have absolutely had my moments of anger. Anger that she walked away without looking back. anger that she seems so happy in her new relationship when I'm still reeling from what happened. Anger that everyone thinks she's so warm, so amazing, so wonderful.... Don't think that I didn't consider bricking her window once or twice!!

 

i've had my flare ups, for sure... but after a few minutes of 'going off', I have to bring myself back to center and say "change the record!". I may very well have some still repressed, but I think that spending this time alone, doing art, chopping wood, doing things that make me feel centered allow for the siphening off of the excess (I hope?) into more manageable bundles.

 

Now, if I had no faith in something greater, I would be totally lost.. but there is a certain comfort in knowing that bigger things are at work here, and all I have to do is keep trying to be a kind, good, solid person who appreciates themself.

 

And... what I decided months ago is that in the end, if I truly love her, then my desire for her to be happy would outweigh my desire to have her be happy with me. If our paths are to cross down the road, and she can meet me where I requested I be met, great... we can have a cup of coffee or a beer, catch up, and see how that goes. And if not, I'm still gonna keep pushing myself to be a good person.