The man I love has a foot in each door

[starshine]

I am a mother of two children, one conceived while in a relationhship with a man who told me he was separated, and in a divorce. I found out a week before I foun out I was pregnant that he was not living with his father as he said he was (I called her) and that their was no divorce. I started dating him in 2001, and had enough time to develop a strong connection to this man and was absolutley devastated. I have not met his children or any of his friends or family and I have been seeing him. I broke it off, and made the decision to have the baby anyway and am struggling to make ends meet. (he pays only the daycare expenses for a 3 days a week and frequently falls behind.) I did feel that I did love him, but now (even though his divorce is in progress probably due to the baby. She has stated that she wanted him back but that if he wanted to be with her -that he would have to have no connection with me or the baby at all).

 

I have serious doubts about this relationship ever reaching fruition to the point where I can trust him - ever-. He wants to live with me part time and live with his wife and children (3) on certain days (to help her with the kids in the morning because she is in school) and working. He has offered to pay half my mortgage. He has agreed to watch his kids at their house on Wed, Thurs, Friday nights while she works and attend their soccor/dance etc lessons on Saturdays and Sundays.

 

I am in turmoil because he has nearly asked me to marry him, and be with him. He professes his undying love and runs over to see me when he can. He wants me to wait another 60 days of this arrangement -him living at his wifes and here at the same time...

[Arabess]

What a MESS. I can understand how you got in over your head though. I think I would be more than pissed because he lied to me in the first place. I had a situation like that. It's just MEAN for someone to do that to you while claiming 'love'. Anyway.....

 

I wouldn't go for the arrangement. It's ludicrous. He needs to make a decision while siging papers granting you child support or his divorce papers. Staying in BOTH families wouldn't be acceptable. Can you imagine what your child will go thru in later years if you did this??? He/She would always be the 'other' kid. It would be confusing and not much of a self esteem booster.

 

I would tell him to take his silly assed idea down the road. If he loves you enough, he would've gotten a divorce. Truth is...you are second to his family and so will your child be.

 

PLEASE reconsider!!!!

[HokeyReligions]

He doesn't love you. If he did, he would have been divorced BEFORE he slept with you and would not have lied to you. Don't go back to him.

 

He sounds pretty sleazy - wants to have both of families! What guy wouldn't love having different women that he can go to whenever he wants! Sounds like a harem - or a mormon! I would not trust him or let him near me again - accept to discuss your child together.

 

Get an attorney - he owes you more than just the 3-days of daycare. He needs to pay you child support too. His wife cannot dictate what his legal responsbilities are. She may not want him to have anything to do with his child because of her own emotions, but he OWES his child financial support at the very least. He should participate in the child's life and upbringing as well.

 

He runs over to see you when he can -- that really pisses me off. He's an adult with adult responsibilities and hes acting like a 14 y/o kid who has found someone who will put out and he sneaks out of the house whenever he can. He's got it made.

 

I'm sure he professed his undying love to his wife too.

[Stone]

For god sake what an idot...Please for your childrens sake don't be involved with this man, he is not going to be the "Husband and Father" you want him to be if your devistated now imagine how your children will feel down the road..If he moves in and out of their lives.

[starshine]

Yes, good point... I do have an attorney and we have proved paternity. I have been reluctant to pursue a child support order due to the fact that he is always saying that he is working to get us together and have a "family. He thinks I am being unreasonable not letting him see his kids on Wed, Thurs, and Friday nights....He claims she is working until ten and that he could drive down (it takes one hour to reach me) after and stay with me... but the two times he did it he rolled in at 1:30-2am, saying she worked late.

 

Due to his untruths, I have had a difficult time of this, and been back and forth about being with him. I have have dated others but feel like I should pursue being with him because we have a child. In fact now I have two children by different dads, and that really bothers me. But then again, abortion was never an option.

 

To know that he would drive down here after watching the kids, and only stay over night one night is less than comforting. To sleep overnight at his wifes house and to have all his stuff there, and claim there is nothing going on on the nights he is caring for them makes me uneasy. I have spoken with his wife a couple of times, one when I called to see if he really did live there and another to tell her about the baby (which she already knew about). She told me that she has been "trying to keep this marriage together for 14 years" . She then said that I could "have" him if I wanted him hung up the phone. It was obvious that she didn't want this to happen and loved him very much.

 

Shortly after that she ran down to the court and filed for divorce, and obtained an attorney so as to get child support first. He does not have an attorney listed for his divorce, but he does have an attorney for child support issues. He wants to live here and be with me... but I do not feel sure of the motives and it is causing me great sadness, as I would rather feel one way or another, but I feel torn apart inside.

[Arabess]

If...he is indeed getting a divorce, he will get 'visitation' right to his children. This does not include sleeping over at the ex's house. It means taking them during 'his time' to wherever HE is living.

 

The reason you are letting him slide on this is because you probably feel guilty that he's in this position and are blaming yourself for it. You feel like he is doing you some great favor. To make it worse, you'll slide on the child support issue because you feel financially sorry for him. You feel this way because he is manipulating you to feel this way. I mean...the affair WAS all your fault and YOU got pregnant. He may not use those words, he'll WHINE instead.

 

The truth is....it's a SHARED blame....and now a SHARED child responsibility. You didn't have an affair or get pregnant by yourself. If you aren't careful though....you WILL be raising this child by yourself without adequate funds.

 

I had a friend who was in this very situation. He told her a similar story to what you heard. It ended up being some scam he was pulling with his wife to get out of supporting the child. They gave her a horrible time in court after they 'mysteriously' got back together. She ended up with the money, but had to leave town due to all the harrassment from his wife. Actually, his wife had every legal and moral right to hate this girl and make her life a living hell.

 

If he LIED to you about being married....rest assured.....he will LIE to you about other things.

 

I hate even saying that since you are pregnant and probably going thru enough pain and stress. If I said anything else though....I'd feel bad about it because it wouldn't be true.

 

Please keep posting so you don't feel all alone in this. Maybe this isn't the time to make a whole lot of decisions....but at least make the ones you can which will protect you in the future.

[brashgal]

Please don't let the love you feel for your child cloud your judgement of this man. The child is the best thing you will ever get out of him. Get a judgement against him to pay child support and think long and hard about the kind of man you want and deserve (one who is committed to you that you do not have to share). Don't settle for less.